Reluctance

MY COLONOSCOPY (Humor)

Dedicated to fellow writer Clarise.
Dear reader; this non-erotic short story is my first attempt at writing humor. If you want a little chuckle read on and then leave a comment to let me know what you think of my effort. If you are looking for something a little more sexually salacious, you might want to look at another offering and then come back when you are in the mood for humor.
In support and in solidarity, I dedicate this story to my friend and fellow writer, Clarise, who recently had one of her stories deleted. My Colonoscopy:
by Hardrive
After several weeks of complaining about stomach discomfort and constipation, my wife Rita got tired of my belly aching and called her fudge-packing brother for advice. That made a lot of sense. After all, who better to ask about asshole problems than your queer brother? Woops, did I say queer? I meant to say Homo-American. Anyway, Rita said her brother recommended I go see a gastroenterologist for a full evaluation.
“What?” I asked, “An ass-hole-enter what? That doesn’t even sound like a real doctor. It’s probably some kind of voodoo fag doctor.”
“No, you homophobic ignore-anus” came Rita’s cynical reply. “A gas-tro-enter-ologist, is a doctor that specializes in disorders of the digestive system. My brother is a well regarded general practitioner and if he says you should have a full evaluation of your intestinal track, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. It’s high time someone looks up your stupid ass to see what kind of problems you’ve got brewing up there.”
“Oh, really,” I said, mocking her sarcastic tone, “Since you insist I need to have my colon examined by a doctor, I guess you’re finally ready to admit you’ve been wrong about me all these years.” Rita’s perplexed expression indicated that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained. “You’re always saying that I have my head stuck up my ass.” Rita nodded in agreement. “Well,” I said with a smug smile, “if my head was really up my ass why would we need to hire a doctor to see what’s wrong… I could see it for myself.”
I thought that was hilarious, so I slapped my wife’s butt and did a little victory jig while laughing my head off. Rita wasn’t amused.
“Oh, you can’t take it when I get the upper hand.” I started to mock her. “You think you and that fairy brother of yours are so much smarter than me. Just ‘cause I don’t have a fancy college education don’t mean that I can’t tell when you’re trying to pull my leg. There is no such thing as an ass-hole-enter-whatever, So, go ahead and make an appointment with your made-up doctor. I dare you.” Rita just gave me an icy stare, smiled and walked away.
A week later we were sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him explain why I needed to have a colonoscopy. I told the doc I’ve never heard of a cola-ass-copy and had no idea what he was talking about. The doctor picked up a book with full color illustrations and used it to thoroughly explain the procedure. Pointing to the interior of the large intestine he indicated the areas that he wanted to examine and photograph.
Nodding thoughtfully, I pretended to understand what he was talking about and asked a question or two that was intended to display my advanced knowledge of medical terms. “Will you be using an x-ray camera or an MIR to photograph my inners?
The doctor smiled. “No, we use a flexible hose to guild a miniature camera through your anus and into the full length of your large intestine.” Then he showed me a picture of a little camera attached to a very long black hose.
Hell no! I said to myself. I won’t even let my family doctor check my prostate, so there was no way this joker was going to shove a big old hose up my ass. Looking around the office I spotted the door, popped up out of my seat and began to vigorously shake the doctor’s hand while I thank him profusely for wonderful presentation. The doctor seemed confused and tired to interrupt me several times but I just continued to pump his hand while backing up towards the door. My plan was working just fine and I actually got to openthe door open and had one foot over the threshold before my wife decided to intervene.
Now at this point I’d like to pause to give my male readers some advice. Never marry a stout, red headed woman of Italian-Irish descent. That combination gives them a split personality that makes Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Hulk look like a mild eccentricity. In public she tries to maintain the illusion that she is the devoted wife and I’m the boss in our relationship… but in reality she calls all the shots and only lets me do what she wants me to do.
In public she always agrees with me but she uses a code to let me know what she really wants. Whenever she smiles and says ‘Yes dear’ while putting the accent on the ‘yes’ but elongating the ‘dear,’ that means that if I even think about doing what I want, she’ll make my life a living hell. And let me tell you, when my wife says ‘living hell’ she’s not talking about Dante’s little cake walk through the seven levels of the fiery pit. She’s talking about providing me with my own personal apocalypse. Believe me, when it comes to pursuing a vengeful agenda, my wife puts Captain Ahab to shame.
In this case she was determined that I was going to have that colonoscopy, so she moved quickly to intercept me at the door. Putting her arm around me in a very loving way, she smiled at the doctor while she worked her hand under my coat and up to my neck. Putting me in her version of the Vulcan death grip, Rita paralyzed my body. When the doctor noticed that my expression suddenly went blank, he asked if there was something wrong. All I could do was move my head left to right as Rita manipulated the back of my neck. When he asked if he could schedule my procedure, I wanted to say hell no but I found myself nodding ‘yes.’ Then, when the doctor smiled and said goodbye, Rita squeezed the nerves in my neck so hard that my pained grimmest looked like I was smiling back.
By the time we left the doctor’s office, I was feeling dizzy. Leaning against Rita, we walked over to the discharge nurse who gave us the doctor’s instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘Koli-Kleen.’ The nurse said I was to drink two doses of Koli-kleen the night prior to the colonoscopy. What she didn’t tell us was that using that product was going to be, without doubt, the most gruesome part of the whole procedure.
I didn’t know it then but a week after my colonoscopy I did a google search and found that Koli-Kleen is sold in the United States as a prescription laxative, but it was originally developed during world war two by the Gestapo. The Germans called it Magen-buster and used it to get prisoners to voluntarily run into gas chambers they mislabeled “Latrines.” After the war, the Russians developed the formula into a WMD or Weapon of Mass Defecation. When the cold war ended, the KBG sold the formula to the CIA who used it in Guantanamo as an interrogation aid. It was reported that the CIA had a lot of success getting even the most resistant terrorist to literally spill their guts, but when the UN found it was being used on the prisoners, they banned its use as inhumane and a serious breach of the Geneva Convention.
Considering the nefarious history of this product, it was beyond my comprehension how any Pharmaceutical Company could get it approved by the FDA for sale to the American public. But then I saw the outrages price on the insurance company’s invoice and my question was answered.
I was totally ignorant of all that before the colonoscopy so I spent the week prior to the procedure nervously worrying about the ‘big fat hose’ and never gave a second thought to the hellish experience that awaited me on the night before.
When the time came for me to get ready, I read the instructions. Step one said that 12 hours prior to the colonoscopy I shouldn’t take any solid foods by mouth. That kind of confused me since taking solid foods by mouth was the only way I knew how to do that. Anyway, by supper time I was pretty hungry so the wife suggested I try some chicken broth. I love chicken soup but chicken broth was a big disappointment. It is nothing more than hot salty water with a little food coloring. The only chicken you’ll find in chicken broth is the word “chicken” printed on the box.
But I digress… the second step was to try and drink the first dose of Koli-Kleen. I say try because the stuff tastes like industrial grade toilet cleaner. The pharmacist recommended the lemon flavored product but I can tell you right now that the lemon flavoring in that noxious concoction does absolutely nothing to mask its totally disgusting taste. In fact, to this day I still can’t look at a lemon without getting the dry heaves.
The instructions warned that After drinking the first dose I might experience some gastric discomfort followed by a loose bowel movement. That was a gross understatement. What the instructions should have said was that after taking Koli-Kleen, my guts would heave, toss and turn like a small boat caught in a typhoon and that shortly thereafter, everything in my stomach would simultaneously attempt to abandon ship through the stern of my little brown boat.
Holy Crap, that stuff works fast. It may not be written on the box but I believe that one of Koli-Kleen’s chief ingredients is rocket fuel. I say that because when that stuff kicks in, your colon ignites and the full content of your alimentary canal is explosively jettisoned out of your ass with such force that, unless you hold on to the toilet seat, it’s possible that your body could be propelled into low earth orbit.
Needless to say, I spent the whole night sitting on the toilet and nervously waiting for the many intestinal eruptions that followed. Whenever I felt my gut begin to rumble I shut my eyes, held on to the toilet seat and did a short count-down as my rocket powered ass violently sprayed whatever was in my guts into the crapper.
This went on for hours until my intestines were totally empty and I had nothing more to give. By then it was time to drink the second round of Koli-Kleen, and to my absolute amazement, the process started all over again. I couldn’t believe it possible that there was anything left in me to expel, but apparently I was wrong.
My only explanation for this extraordinary phenomenon is that the second dose of Koli-Kleen must have the ability to tap into the spiritual realm, locate my long dead ancestors and channel the festering content of their ancient intestines through my flaming ass-hole and into the commode.
And that leads us to a subject that isn’t covered by the Koli-Kleen instructions. I’m talking about the smell. Oh my god the smell is incredible.
Let’s face it, you can’t flush out the rotting content of someone’s intestine without creating some serious atmospheric pollution. You’re probably going to think I’m exaggerating but things got so bad at my house, that I actually saw lines of staggering insects abandoning the residence. I also witness our house plants literally wither and die right before my eyes. Even the plastic plants keeled over. Rita could attested to all this but she barricaded herself in the guestroom, stuffed towels into the crack under the door, and refused to come out until it was time to go to the clinic.
Needless to say, by the end of the evening I was exhausted. All that running back and forth to the bathroom left my legs feeling like the rubbery limbs of a punch drunk boxer, and my asshole like the business end of a blow torch. That night, after pushing several ice cubes up my raw pucker, I finally passed out and slept like a very tired and dehydrated baby.
The next morning my wife got me up at what is known in military time as “oh five hundred hours.” The “oh” stands for; “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s still dark.” Anyway, when we arrived at the clinic we thought, since they wanted us there at the crack of dawn, that they intended to begin the procedure right away. We were wrong. Instead they had us filling out forms for hours. The frustrating part is that they had me answering questions I’ve already answered hundreds of times before. What the hell do they do with all that information? Obviously they don’t keep it or they wouldn’t need to ask the same dam questions over and over again.
When I was finished with the questioner the nurse brought in the consent form and asked me to sign. After looking it over I told her that I couldn’t possible sign it. She asked me why and I told her that just over the signature line there was a statement that said that I understood and agreed to all the terms, conditions and provisions stated therein. The document was twelve pages long and written in a Pig-Latin dialect of legalize that was so convoluted and incomprehensible that even my lawyer’s lawyer couldn’t have understood it.
The nurse looked at me and smiled. Then she told me I could take all the time I needed to read the consent forms and I didn’t have to sign them until I fully understood what I was signing. However, she quickly added that if I didn’t have the form signed within the next five minutes she would have to reschedule my procedure.
That’s all she had to say. It took me about five seconds to sign the release and hand it to her. There was no way I was going to reschedule the colonoscopy knowing full well that I would have to go through the same gut-draining pre-procedure I went through the night before. I think the clinic counts on that reaction and that’s why they ask you to sign the consent form after you’ve had the Koli-Kleen experience.
A half hour after I finished the paper work, a very fruity looking male nurse named Hector, came for me. He gave my wife a wink, put his hand on my shoulder and walked around me without taking his hand off my body. Then he asked her a question in a very swishy Spanish accent. “Is this jew hombre?” My wife nodded while trying to contain a very smug smile. Hector returned her smile and said, “Ay que Lindo.” And they both began to giggle as Hector put his hand through my arm and walked me down the clinic’s main corridor. “Don jew warry lindo,” he said as he snuggled up to me. “I will take berry good car of jew.”
Looking over my shoulder I made eye contact with my wife and with a sorrowful and plaintiff gaze I pleaded for her help, but Rita just smiled. It seemed to me that she was enjoying my predicament because all she did was hold up a box of Kolie-Kleen and gave me a looked that seemed to said… ‘are you sure you want to reschedule the procedure?
It was a long and uncomfortable walk to the prep-room, and when we got there Hector released my arm and handed me a plastic bag. He instructed me to go into a little room that had a curtain instead of a door. He asked me to take off all my clothes and put them in the bag. Then he handed me one of those hospital gowns. You know… the kind that is designed to strip you of all your dignity and make you feel more exposed and venerable then you’ve ever felt before.
After putting on the gown I noticed that my ass was hanging out of the back. Try as I might, I couldn’t stretch the cloth to cover my exposed behind. That’s when I saw Hector peeking through the curtains. The pervert was staring at my ass but when he saw me looking at him he smiled and asked if I was ready. Then he pushed a wheel chair into the room and with a big grin he patted the bench and told me to put my cute little tushie into the seat.
There was no way I was going to turn my bare bottom towards that flaming fruitcake so I just stood there looking at him. That’s when Hector decided to come around from behind the chair to help me get into the seat. It was more likely that he wanted to help himself into my seat, so as he approached, I clutched the back of my hospital gown and slowly backed away. Hector kept advancing and I kept retreating so we went around and around that wheelchair until I finally saw an opportunity to safely sit down.
The fruity nurse laughed, his very girly laugh, and called me a crazy gringo as he pushed my wheelchair into another room. There he tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm and tried to put an I.V. needle into the back of my hand. It only took him five tries, and while I would have normally fainted after the second attempt, there was no way I was going to allow myself to pass out while I was alone in the room with him. This was especially true after he started talking about the procedure. With a faraway and dreamy look in his eyes, he described the length and girth of the hose the doctor would be using… and then he said, “El doc-tor wheel e’put it in jew ass nice and e’slow. He wheel go in deeper and deeper. Ay bandito, It’z so beautiful I juice want to e’cry every time I thing about it.”
If I had any doubt about Hector’s sexual orientation, after listening to him describe the procedure, all my doubts were gone. Hector was what I called a real Granola Bar; flaky, fruity and nuts.
“listen up, Hector.” I said with my most manly voice. “There is no way that I am going to have sex with you.”
“What?” Hector said with a genuine look of surprise. Giving me a very stern look and with a very indignant voice he continued. “Is dat what jew ting? Will jew are so rung. Having sex wit jew is da last ting on my mine. DA LAST TING! No senor. First jew will half to ax me to dinner, and den to a show and den after dat….”
“Read my lips Hector… No Way!!!”
Hector looked disappointed so he changed the subject and asked me if I had taken the Koli-Kleen as proscribed. My revolted expression and the cold shiver that ran up and down my spine leaving my puckered face quivering with a look of pure disgust, told him all he needed to know.
“O’ I si, no juan e’toll jew?” The blank expression on my face let him know I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so he went on. “Jew can e’take un poco de Tequila before jew drink that sheet. Dat e’helps it e’go down mucho more ezy.”
As soon as I figured out what he was trying to say, a light bulb went on over my head. What a great idea. I had a fully stocked bar at home and would have gladly downed a bottle of good Iris whisky if I had known it was okay to drink before taking that Koli-Krap. But then I started to imagine myself drunk and stumbling around the house, squirting and dripping all over the rug and the furniture. There was no way Rita would have cleaned up after me, and knowing her, she probably would have had no alternative but to shot me, torch the house for the insurance money and move down to Florida.
As Hector wheeled me into the procedure room I looked around nervously and saw the doctor and anesthesiologist standing there, but no sign of the dreaded “Big fat hose.” No doubt they planed on bringing it in after I was asleep. That sounded like such a waste of Anastasia. Not because I was so brave that I didn’t need it, but because all they would have had to do was to show me that “big fat hose” and I would have passed out on my own.
Before putting me under, the doctor had me roll over on my side, pull up my knees and count backward from a hundred. As I started to count I heard someone, standing behind me and singing with a swishy Spanish accent. To my great horror I realized it was Hector. He was standing behind me while he sang ”I fee pretty” from ‘West Side Story.’ Oh my god, that raving queen was going to be in the room while I was laying there unconscious and my naked butt exposed.
With my last once of strength I looked up at the doctor and with pleading eyes begged him. “Please shot me now before I pass out from the anesthesia,” but no such luck. The room went dark and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, still feeling high from the drugs they gave me.
The first thing I saw was my doctor’s smiling face. He looked down at me and asked how I felt. I told him I felt great except for a little discomfort around that place where the sun never shines. That reminded me of my last thoughts before going under so I reached up, grasped my doctor by the collar and pulling his face down close to mine. In an almost threatening tone I asked him, “Did you leave me alone with Hector at any time during the procedure?” The doctor looked puzzled but he assured me that he hadn’t. When I let him go the doctor said he had good news. My colon was fine and there was no evidence of any malignancy.
“Thanks doc,” I said. Then I asked him to do me a favor. “Please tell my wife…”
“I’ve already given her the good news.” The doctor interrupted.
“No, not that.” I said, as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down close to my face again. “I want you to let her know that you’ve performed a very thorough inspection of my entire intestinal track and looked into every nook and cranny of my colon… Got that?” The doctor nodded that he did. “Okay, then I want you to tell her that you’ve found absolutely no evidence that I’ve ever had my head up my ass.”
THE END
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MY COLONOSCOPY (Humor)

Dedicated to fellow writer Clarise.
Dear reader; this non-erotic short story is my first attempt at writing humor. If you want a little chuckle read on and then leave a comment to let me know what you think of my effort. If you are looking for something a little more sexually salacious, you might want to look at another offering and then come back when you are in the mood for humor.
In support and in solidarity, I dedicate this story to my friend and fellow writer, Clarise, who recently had one of her stories deleted. My Colonoscopy:
by Hardrive
After several weeks of complaining about stomach discomfort and constipation, my wife Rita got tired of my belly aching and called her fudge-packing brother for advice. That made a lot of sense. After all, who better to ask about asshole problems than your queer brother? Woops, did I say queer? I meant to say Homo-American. Anyway, Rita said her brother recommended I go see a gastroenterologist for a full evaluation.
“What?” I asked, “An ass-hole-enter what? That doesn’t even sound like a real doctor. It’s probably some kind of voodoo fag doctor.”
“No, you homophobic ignore-anus” came Rita’s cynical reply. “A gas-tro-enter-ologist, is a doctor that specializes in disorders of the digestive system. My brother is a well regarded general practitioner and if he says you should have a full evaluation of your intestinal track, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. It’s high time someone looks up your stupid ass to see what kind of problems you’ve got brewing up there.”
“Oh, really,” I said, mocking her sarcastic tone, “Since you insist I need to have my colon examined by a doctor, I guess you’re finally ready to admit you’ve been wrong about me all these years.” Rita’s perplexed expression indicated that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained. “You’re always saying that I have my head stuck up my ass.” Rita nodded in agreement. “Well,” I said with a smug smile, “if my head was really up my ass why would we need to hire a doctor to see what’s wrong… I could see it for myself.”
I thought that was hilarious, so I slapped my wife’s butt and did a little victory jig while laughing my head off. Rita wasn’t amused.
“Oh, you can’t take it when I get the upper hand.” I started to mock her. “You think you and that fairy brother of yours are so much smarter than me. Just ‘cause I don’t have a fancy college education don’t mean that I can’t tell when you’re trying to pull my leg. There is no such thing as an ass-hole-enter-whatever, So, go ahead and make an appointment with your made-up doctor. I dare you.” Rita just gave me an icy stare, smiled and walked away.
A week later we were sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him explain why I needed to have a colonoscopy. I told the doc I’ve never heard of a cola-ass-copy and had no idea what he was talking about. The doctor picked up a book with full color illustrations and used it to thoroughly explain the procedure. Pointing to the interior of the large intestine he indicated the areas that he wanted to examine and photograph.
Nodding thoughtfully, I pretended to understand what he was talking about and asked a question or two that was intended to display my advanced knowledge of medical terms. “Will you be using an x-ray camera or an MIR to photograph my inners?
The doctor smiled. “No, we use a flexible hose to guild a miniature camera through your anus and into the full length of your large intestine.” Then he showed me a picture of a little camera attached to a very long black hose.
Hell no! I said to myself. I won’t even let my family doctor check my prostate, so there was no way this joker was going to shove a big old hose up my ass. Looking around the office I spotted the door, popped up out of my seat and began to vigorously shake the doctor’s hand while I thank him profusely for wonderful presentation. The doctor seemed confused and tired to interrupt me several times but I just continued to pump his hand while backing up towards the door. My plan was working just fine and I actually got to openthe door open and had one foot over the threshold before my wife decided to intervene.
Now at this point I’d like to pause to give my male readers some advice. Never marry a stout, red headed woman of Italian-Irish descent. That combination gives them a split personality that makes Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Hulk look like a mild eccentricity. In public she tries to maintain the illusion that she is the devoted wife and I’m the boss in our relationship… but in reality she calls all the shots and only lets me do what she wants me to do.
In public she always agrees with me but she uses a code to let me know what she really wants. Whenever she smiles and says ‘Yes dear’ while putting the accent on the ‘yes’ but elongating the ‘dear,’ that means that if I even think about doing what I want, she’ll make my life a living hell. And let me tell you, when my wife says ‘living hell’ she’s not talking about Dante’s little cake walk through the seven levels of the fiery pit. She’s talking about providing me with my own personal apocalypse. Believe me, when it comes to pursuing a vengeful agenda, my wife puts Captain Ahab to shame.
In this case she was determined that I was going to have that colonoscopy, so she moved quickly to intercept me at the door. Putting her arm around me in a very loving way, she smiled at the doctor while she worked her hand under my coat and up to my neck. Putting me in her version of the Vulcan death grip, Rita paralyzed my body. When the doctor noticed that my expression suddenly went blank, he asked if there was something wrong. All I could do was move my head left to right as Rita manipulated the back of my neck. When he asked if he could schedule my procedure, I wanted to say hell no but I found myself nodding ‘yes.’ Then, when the doctor smiled and said goodbye, Rita squeezed the nerves in my neck so hard that my pained grimmest looked like I was smiling back.
By the time we left the doctor’s office, I was feeling dizzy. Leaning against Rita, we walked over to the discharge nurse who gave us the doctor’s instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘Koli-Kleen.’ The nurse said I was to drink two doses of Koli-kleen the night prior to the colonoscopy. What she didn’t tell us was that using that product was going to be, without doubt, the most gruesome part of the whole procedure.
I didn’t know it then but a week after my colonoscopy I did a google search and found that Koli-Kleen is sold in the United States as a prescription laxative, but it was originally developed during world war two by the Gestapo. The Germans called it Magen-buster and used it to get prisoners to voluntarily run into gas chambers they mislabeled “Latrines.” After the war, the Russians developed the formula into a WMD or Weapon of Mass Defecation. When the cold war ended, the KBG sold the formula to the CIA who used it in Guantanamo as an interrogation aid. It was reported that the CIA had a lot of success getting even the most resistant terrorist to literally spill their guts, but when the UN found it was being used on the prisoners, they banned its use as inhumane and a serious breach of the Geneva Convention.
Considering the nefarious history of this product, it was beyond my comprehension how any Pharmaceutical Company could get it approved by the FDA for sale to the American public. But then I saw the outrages price on the insurance company’s invoice and my question was answered.
I was totally ignorant of all that before the colonoscopy so I spent the week prior to the procedure nervously worrying about the ‘big fat hose’ and never gave a second thought to the hellish experience that awaited me on the night before.
When the time came for me to get ready, I read the instructions. Step one said that 12 hours prior to the colonoscopy I shouldn’t take any solid foods by mouth. That kind of confused me since taking solid foods by mouth was the only way I knew how to do that. Anyway, by supper time I was pretty hungry so the wife suggested I try some chicken broth. I love chicken soup but chicken broth was a big disappointment. It is nothing more than hot salty water with a little food coloring. The only chicken you’ll find in chicken broth is the word “chicken” printed on the box.
But I digress… the second step was to try and drink the first dose of Koli-Kleen. I say try because the stuff tastes like industrial grade toilet cleaner. The pharmacist recommended the lemon flavored product but I can tell you right now that the lemon flavoring in that noxious concoction does absolutely nothing to mask its totally disgusting taste. In fact, to this day I still can’t look at a lemon without getting the dry heaves.
The instructions warned that After drinking the first dose I might experience some gastric discomfort followed by a loose bowel movement. That was a gross understatement. What the instructions should have said was that after taking Koli-Kleen, my guts would heave, toss and turn like a small boat caught in a typhoon and that shortly thereafter, everything in my stomach would simultaneously attempt to abandon ship through the stern of my little brown boat.
Holy Crap, that stuff works fast. It may not be written on the box but I believe that one of Koli-Kleen’s chief ingredients is rocket fuel. I say that because when that stuff kicks in, your colon ignites and the full content of your alimentary canal is explosively jettisoned out of your ass with such force that, unless you hold on to the toilet seat, it’s possible that your body could be propelled into low earth orbit.
Needless to say, I spent the whole night sitting on the toilet and nervously waiting for the many intestinal eruptions that followed. Whenever I felt my gut begin to rumble I shut my eyes, held on to the toilet seat and did a short count-down as my rocket powered ass violently sprayed whatever was in my guts into the crapper.
This went on for hours until my intestines were totally empty and I had nothing more to give. By then it was time to drink the second round of Koli-Kleen, and to my absolute amazement, the process started all over again. I couldn’t believe it possible that there was anything left in me to expel, but apparently I was wrong.
My only explanation for this extraordinary phenomenon is that the second dose of Koli-Kleen must have the ability to tap into the spiritual realm, locate my long dead ancestors and channel the festering content of their ancient intestines through my flaming ass-hole and into the commode.
And that leads us to a subject that isn’t covered by the Koli-Kleen instructions. I’m talking about the smell. Oh my god the smell is incredible.
Let’s face it, you can’t flush out the rotting content of someone’s intestine without creating some serious atmospheric pollution. You’re probably going to think I’m exaggerating but things got so bad at my house, that I actually saw lines of staggering insects abandoning the residence. I also witness our house plants literally wither and die right before my eyes. Even the plastic plants keeled over. Rita could attested to all this but she barricaded herself in the guestroom, stuffed towels into the crack under the door, and refused to come out until it was time to go to the clinic.
Needless to say, by the end of the evening I was exhausted. All that running back and forth to the bathroom left my legs feeling like the rubbery limbs of a punch drunk boxer, and my asshole like the business end of a blow torch. That night, after pushing several ice cubes up my raw pucker, I finally passed out and slept like a very tired and dehydrated baby.
The next morning my wife got me up at what is known in military time as “oh five hundred hours.” The “oh” stands for; “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s still dark.” Anyway, when we arrived at the clinic we thought, since they wanted us there at the crack of dawn, that they intended to begin the procedure right away. We were wrong. Instead they had us filling out forms for hours. The frustrating part is that they had me answering questions I’ve already answered hundreds of times before. What the hell do they do with all that information? Obviously they don’t keep it or they wouldn’t need to ask the same dam questions over and over again.
When I was finished with the questioner the nurse brought in the consent form and asked me to sign. After looking it over I told her that I couldn’t possible sign it. She asked me why and I told her that just over the signature line there was a statement that said that I understood and agreed to all the terms, conditions and provisions stated therein. The document was twelve pages long and written in a Pig-Latin dialect of legalize that was so convoluted and incomprehensible that even my lawyer’s lawyer couldn’t have understood it.
The nurse looked at me and smiled. Then she told me I could take all the time I needed to read the consent forms and I didn’t have to sign them until I fully understood what I was signing. However, she quickly added that if I didn’t have the form signed within the next five minutes she would have to reschedule my procedure.
That’s all she had to say. It took me about five seconds to sign the release and hand it to her. There was no way I was going to reschedule the colonoscopy knowing full well that I would have to go through the same gut-draining pre-procedure I went through the night before. I think the clinic counts on that reaction and that’s why they ask you to sign the consent form after you’ve had the Koli-Kleen experience.
A half hour after I finished the paper work, a very fruity looking male nurse named Hector, came for me. He gave my wife a wink, put his hand on my shoulder and walked around me without taking his hand off my body. Then he asked her a question in a very swishy Spanish accent. “Is this jew hombre?” My wife nodded while trying to contain a very smug smile. Hector returned her smile and said, “Ay que Lindo.” And they both began to giggle as Hector put his hand through my arm and walked me down the clinic’s main corridor. “Don jew warry lindo,” he said as he snuggled up to me. “I will take berry good car of jew.”
Looking over my shoulder I made eye contact with my wife and with a sorrowful and plaintiff gaze I pleaded for her help, but Rita just smiled. It seemed to me that she was enjoying my predicament because all she did was hold up a box of Kolie-Kleen and gave me a looked that seemed to said… ‘are you sure you want to reschedule the procedure?
It was a long and uncomfortable walk to the prep-room, and when we got there Hector released my arm and handed me a plastic bag. He instructed me to go into a little room that had a curtain instead of a door. He asked me to take off all my clothes and put them in the bag. Then he handed me one of those hospital gowns. You know… the kind that is designed to strip you of all your dignity and make you feel more exposed and venerable then you’ve ever felt before.
After putting on the gown I noticed that my ass was hanging out of the back. Try as I might, I couldn’t stretch the cloth to cover my exposed behind. That’s when I saw Hector peeking through the curtains. The pervert was staring at my ass but when he saw me looking at him he smiled and asked if I was ready. Then he pushed a wheel chair into the room and with a big grin he patted the bench and told me to put my cute little tushie into the seat.
There was no way I was going to turn my bare bottom towards that flaming fruitcake so I just stood there looking at him. That’s when Hector decided to come around from behind the chair to help me get into the seat. It was more likely that he wanted to help himself into my seat, so as he approached, I clutched the back of my hospital gown and slowly backed away. Hector kept advancing and I kept retreating so we went around and around that wheelchair until I finally saw an opportunity to safely sit down.
The fruity nurse laughed, his very girly laugh, and called me a crazy gringo as he pushed my wheelchair into another room. There he tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm and tried to put an I.V. needle into the back of my hand. It only took him five tries, and while I would have normally fainted after the second attempt, there was no way I was going to allow myself to pass out while I was alone in the room with him. This was especially true after he started talking about the procedure. With a faraway and dreamy look in his eyes, he described the length and girth of the hose the doctor would be using… and then he said, “El doc-tor wheel e’put it in jew ass nice and e’slow. He wheel go in deeper and deeper. Ay bandito, It’z so beautiful I juice want to e’cry every time I thing about it.”
If I had any doubt about Hector’s sexual orientation, after listening to him describe the procedure, all my doubts were gone. Hector was what I called a real Granola Bar; flaky, fruity and nuts.
“listen up, Hector.” I said with my most manly voice. “There is no way that I am going to have sex with you.”
“What?” Hector said with a genuine look of surprise. Giving me a very stern look and with a very indignant voice he continued. “Is dat what jew ting? Will jew are so rung. Having sex wit jew is da last ting on my mine. DA LAST TING! No senor. First jew will half to ax me to dinner, and den to a show and den after dat….”
“Read my lips Hector… No Way!!!”
Hector looked disappointed so he changed the subject and asked me if I had taken the Koli-Kleen as proscribed. My revolted expression and the cold shiver that ran up and down my spine leaving my puckered face quivering with a look of pure disgust, told him all he needed to know.
“O’ I si, no juan e’toll jew?” The blank expression on my face let him know I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so he went on. “Jew can e’take un poco de Tequila before jew drink that sheet. Dat e’helps it e’go down mucho more ezy.”
As soon as I figured out what he was trying to say, a light bulb went on over my head. What a great idea. I had a fully stocked bar at home and would have gladly downed a bottle of good Iris whisky if I had known it was okay to drink before taking that Koli-Krap. But then I started to imagine myself drunk and stumbling around the house, squirting and dripping all over the rug and the furniture. There was no way Rita would have cleaned up after me, and knowing her, she probably would have had no alternative but to shot me, torch the house for the insurance money and move down to Florida.
As Hector wheeled me into the procedure room I looked around nervously and saw the doctor and anesthesiologist standing there, but no sign of the dreaded “Big fat hose.” No doubt they planed on bringing it in after I was asleep. That sounded like such a waste of Anastasia. Not because I was so brave that I didn’t need it, but because all they would have had to do was to show me that “big fat hose” and I would have passed out on my own.
Before putting me under, the doctor had me roll over on my side, pull up my knees and count backward from a hundred. As I started to count I heard someone, standing behind me and singing with a swishy Spanish accent. To my great horror I realized it was Hector. He was standing behind me while he sang ”I fee pretty” from ‘West Side Story.’ Oh my god, that raving queen was going to be in the room while I was laying there unconscious and my naked butt exposed.
With my last once of strength I looked up at the doctor and with pleading eyes begged him. “Please shot me now before I pass out from the anesthesia,” but no such luck. The room went dark and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, still feeling high from the drugs they gave me.
The first thing I saw was my doctor’s smiling face. He looked down at me and asked how I felt. I told him I felt great except for a little discomfort around that place where the sun never shines. That reminded me of my last thoughts before going under so I reached up, grasped my doctor by the collar and pulling his face down close to mine. In an almost threatening tone I asked him, “Did you leave me alone with Hector at any time during the procedure?” The doctor looked puzzled but he assured me that he hadn’t. When I let him go the doctor said he had good news. My colon was fine and there was no evidence of any malignancy.
“Thanks doc,” I said. Then I asked him to do me a favor. “Please tell my wife…”
“I’ve already given her the good news.” The doctor interrupted.
“No, not that.” I said, as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down close to my face again. “I want you to let her know that you’ve performed a very thorough inspection of my entire intestinal track and looked into every nook and cranny of my colon… Got that?” The doctor nodded that he did. “Okay, then I want you to tell her that you’ve found absolutely no evidence that I’ve ever had my head up my ass.”
THE END
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MY COLONOSCOPY (Humor)

Dedicated to fellow writer Clarise.
Dear reader; this non-erotic short story is my first attempt at writing humor. If you want a little chuckle read on and then leave a comment to let me know what you think of my effort. If you are looking for something a little more sexually salacious, you might want to look at another offering and then come back when you are in the mood for humor.
In support and in solidarity, I dedicate this story to my friend and fellow writer, Clarise, who recently had one of her stories deleted. My Colonoscopy:
by Hardrive
After several weeks of complaining about stomach discomfort and constipation, my wife Rita got tired of my belly aching and called her fudge-packing brother for advice. That made a lot of sense. After all, who better to ask about asshole problems than your queer brother? Woops, did I say queer? I meant to say Homo-American. Anyway, Rita said her brother recommended I go see a gastroenterologist for a full evaluation.
“What?” I asked, “An ass-hole-enter what? That doesn’t even sound like a real doctor. It’s probably some kind of voodoo fag doctor.”
“No, you homophobic ignore-anus” came Rita’s cynical reply. “A gas-tro-enter-ologist, is a doctor that specializes in disorders of the digestive system. My brother is a well regarded general practitioner and if he says you should have a full evaluation of your intestinal track, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. It’s high time someone looks up your stupid ass to see what kind of problems you’ve got brewing up there.”
“Oh, really,” I said, mocking her sarcastic tone, “Since you insist I need to have my colon examined by a doctor, I guess you’re finally ready to admit you’ve been wrong about me all these years.” Rita’s perplexed expression indicated that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained. “You’re always saying that I have my head stuck up my ass.” Rita nodded in agreement. “Well,” I said with a smug smile, “if my head was really up my ass why would we need to hire a doctor to see what’s wrong… I could see it for myself.”
I thought that was hilarious, so I slapped my wife’s butt and did a little victory jig while laughing my head off. Rita wasn’t amused.
“Oh, you can’t take it when I get the upper hand.” I started to mock her. “You think you and that fairy brother of yours are so much smarter than me. Just ‘cause I don’t have a fancy college education don’t mean that I can’t tell when you’re trying to pull my leg. There is no such thing as an ass-hole-enter-whatever, So, go ahead and make an appointment with your made-up doctor. I dare you.” Rita just gave me an icy stare, smiled and walked away.
A week later we were sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him explain why I needed to have a colonoscopy. I told the doc I’ve never heard of a cola-ass-copy and had no idea what he was talking about. The doctor picked up a book with full color illustrations and used it to thoroughly explain the procedure. Pointing to the interior of the large intestine he indicated the areas that he wanted to examine and photograph.
Nodding thoughtfully, I pretended to understand what he was talking about and asked a question or two that was intended to display my advanced knowledge of medical terms. “Will you be using an x-ray camera or an MIR to photograph my inners?
The doctor smiled. “No, we use a flexible hose to guild a miniature camera through your anus and into the full length of your large intestine.” Then he showed me a picture of a little camera attached to a very long black hose.
Hell no! I said to myself. I won’t even let my family doctor check my prostate, so there was no way this joker was going to shove a big old hose up my ass. Looking around the office I spotted the door, popped up out of my seat and began to vigorously shake the doctor’s hand while I thank him profusely for wonderful presentation. The doctor seemed confused and tired to interrupt me several times but I just continued to pump his hand while backing up towards the door. My plan was working just fine and I actually got to openthe door open and had one foot over the threshold before my wife decided to intervene.
Now at this point I’d like to pause to give my male readers some advice. Never marry a stout, red headed woman of Italian-Irish descent. That combination gives them a split personality that makes Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Hulk look like a mild eccentricity. In public she tries to maintain the illusion that she is the devoted wife and I’m the boss in our relationship… but in reality she calls all the shots and only lets me do what she wants me to do.
In public she always agrees with me but she uses a code to let me know what she really wants. Whenever she smiles and says ‘Yes dear’ while putting the accent on the ‘yes’ but elongating the ‘dear,’ that means that if I even think about doing what I want, she’ll make my life a living hell. And let me tell you, when my wife says ‘living hell’ she’s not talking about Dante’s little cake walk through the seven levels of the fiery pit. She’s talking about providing me with my own personal apocalypse. Believe me, when it comes to pursuing a vengeful agenda, my wife puts Captain Ahab to shame.
In this case she was determined that I was going to have that colonoscopy, so she moved quickly to intercept me at the door. Putting her arm around me in a very loving way, she smiled at the doctor while she worked her hand under my coat and up to my neck. Putting me in her version of the Vulcan death grip, Rita paralyzed my body. When the doctor noticed that my expression suddenly went blank, he asked if there was something wrong. All I could do was move my head left to right as Rita manipulated the back of my neck. When he asked if he could schedule my procedure, I wanted to say hell no but I found myself nodding ‘yes.’ Then, when the doctor smiled and said goodbye, Rita squeezed the nerves in my neck so hard that my pained grimmest looked like I was smiling back.
By the time we left the doctor’s office, I was feeling dizzy. Leaning against Rita, we walked over to the discharge nurse who gave us the doctor’s instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘Koli-Kleen.’ The nurse said I was to drink two doses of Koli-kleen the night prior to the colonoscopy. What she didn’t tell us was that using that product was going to be, without doubt, the most gruesome part of the whole procedure.
I didn’t know it then but a week after my colonoscopy I did a google search and found that Koli-Kleen is sold in the United States as a prescription laxative, but it was originally developed during world war two by the Gestapo. The Germans called it Magen-buster and used it to get prisoners to voluntarily run into gas chambers they mislabeled “Latrines.” After the war, the Russians developed the formula into a WMD or Weapon of Mass Defecation. When the cold war ended, the KBG sold the formula to the CIA who used it in Guantanamo as an interrogation aid. It was reported that the CIA had a lot of success getting even the most resistant terrorist to literally spill their guts, but when the UN found it was being used on the prisoners, they banned its use as inhumane and a serious breach of the Geneva Convention.
Considering the nefarious history of this product, it was beyond my comprehension how any Pharmaceutical Company could get it approved by the FDA for sale to the American public. But then I saw the outrages price on the insurance company’s invoice and my question was answered.
I was totally ignorant of all that before the colonoscopy so I spent the week prior to the procedure nervously worrying about the ‘big fat hose’ and never gave a second thought to the hellish experience that awaited me on the night before.
When the time came for me to get ready, I read the instructions. Step one said that 12 hours prior to the colonoscopy I shouldn’t take any solid foods by mouth. That kind of confused me since taking solid foods by mouth was the only way I knew how to do that. Anyway, by supper time I was pretty hungry so the wife suggested I try some chicken broth. I love chicken soup but chicken broth was a big disappointment. It is nothing more than hot salty water with a little food coloring. The only chicken you’ll find in chicken broth is the word “chicken” printed on the box.
But I digress… the second step was to try and drink the first dose of Koli-Kleen. I say try because the stuff tastes like industrial grade toilet cleaner. The pharmacist recommended the lemon flavored product but I can tell you right now that the lemon flavoring in that noxious concoction does absolutely nothing to mask its totally disgusting taste. In fact, to this day I still can’t look at a lemon without getting the dry heaves.
The instructions warned that After drinking the first dose I might experience some gastric discomfort followed by a loose bowel movement. That was a gross understatement. What the instructions should have said was that after taking Koli-Kleen, my guts would heave, toss and turn like a small boat caught in a typhoon and that shortly thereafter, everything in my stomach would simultaneously attempt to abandon ship through the stern of my little brown boat.
Holy Crap, that stuff works fast. It may not be written on the box but I believe that one of Koli-Kleen’s chief ingredients is rocket fuel. I say that because when that stuff kicks in, your colon ignites and the full content of your alimentary canal is explosively jettisoned out of your ass with such force that, unless you hold on to the toilet seat, it’s possible that your body could be propelled into low earth orbit.
Needless to say, I spent the whole night sitting on the toilet and nervously waiting for the many intestinal eruptions that followed. Whenever I felt my gut begin to rumble I shut my eyes, held on to the toilet seat and did a short count-down as my rocket powered ass violently sprayed whatever was in my guts into the crapper.
This went on for hours until my intestines were totally empty and I had nothing more to give. By then it was time to drink the second round of Koli-Kleen, and to my absolute amazement, the process started all over again. I couldn’t believe it possible that there was anything left in me to expel, but apparently I was wrong.
My only explanation for this extraordinary phenomenon is that the second dose of Koli-Kleen must have the ability to tap into the spiritual realm, locate my long dead ancestors and channel the festering content of their ancient intestines through my flaming ass-hole and into the commode.
And that leads us to a subject that isn’t covered by the Koli-Kleen instructions. I’m talking about the smell. Oh my god the smell is incredible.
Let’s face it, you can’t flush out the rotting content of someone’s intestine without creating some serious atmospheric pollution. You’re probably going to think I’m exaggerating but things got so bad at my house, that I actually saw lines of staggering insects abandoning the residence. I also witness our house plants literally wither and die right before my eyes. Even the plastic plants keeled over. Rita could attested to all this but she barricaded herself in the guestroom, stuffed towels into the crack under the door, and refused to come out until it was time to go to the clinic.
Needless to say, by the end of the evening I was exhausted. All that running back and forth to the bathroom left my legs feeling like the rubbery limbs of a punch drunk boxer, and my asshole like the business end of a blow torch. That night, after pushing several ice cubes up my raw pucker, I finally passed out and slept like a very tired and dehydrated baby.
The next morning my wife got me up at what is known in military time as “oh five hundred hours.” The “oh” stands for; “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s still dark.” Anyway, when we arrived at the clinic we thought, since they wanted us there at the crack of dawn, that they intended to begin the procedure right away. We were wrong. Instead they had us filling out forms for hours. The frustrating part is that they had me answering questions I’ve already answered hundreds of times before. What the hell do they do with all that information? Obviously they don’t keep it or they wouldn’t need to ask the same dam questions over and over again.
When I was finished with the questioner the nurse brought in the consent form and asked me to sign. After looking it over I told her that I couldn’t possible sign it. She asked me why and I told her that just over the signature line there was a statement that said that I understood and agreed to all the terms, conditions and provisions stated therein. The document was twelve pages long and written in a Pig-Latin dialect of legalize that was so convoluted and incomprehensible that even my lawyer’s lawyer couldn’t have understood it.
The nurse looked at me and smiled. Then she told me I could take all the time I needed to read the consent forms and I didn’t have to sign them until I fully understood what I was signing. However, she quickly added that if I didn’t have the form signed within the next five minutes she would have to reschedule my procedure.
That’s all she had to say. It took me about five seconds to sign the release and hand it to her. There was no way I was going to reschedule the colonoscopy knowing full well that I would have to go through the same gut-draining pre-procedure I went through the night before. I think the clinic counts on that reaction and that’s why they ask you to sign the consent form after you’ve had the Koli-Kleen experience.
A half hour after I finished the paper work, a very fruity looking male nurse named Hector, came for me. He gave my wife a wink, put his hand on my shoulder and walked around me without taking his hand off my body. Then he asked her a question in a very swishy Spanish accent. “Is this jew hombre?” My wife nodded while trying to contain a very smug smile. Hector returned her smile and said, “Ay que Lindo.” And they both began to giggle as Hector put his hand through my arm and walked me down the clinic’s main corridor. “Don jew warry lindo,” he said as he snuggled up to me. “I will take berry good car of jew.”
Looking over my shoulder I made eye contact with my wife and with a sorrowful and plaintiff gaze I pleaded for her help, but Rita just smiled. It seemed to me that she was enjoying my predicament because all she did was hold up a box of Kolie-Kleen and gave me a looked that seemed to said… ‘are you sure you want to reschedule the procedure?
It was a long and uncomfortable walk to the prep-room, and when we got there Hector released my arm and handed me a plastic bag. He instructed me to go into a little room that had a curtain instead of a door. He asked me to take off all my clothes and put them in the bag. Then he handed me one of those hospital gowns. You know… the kind that is designed to strip you of all your dignity and make you feel more exposed and venerable then you’ve ever felt before.
After putting on the gown I noticed that my ass was hanging out of the back. Try as I might, I couldn’t stretch the cloth to cover my exposed behind. That’s when I saw Hector peeking through the curtains. The pervert was staring at my ass but when he saw me looking at him he smiled and asked if I was ready. Then he pushed a wheel chair into the room and with a big grin he patted the bench and told me to put my cute little tushie into the seat.
There was no way I was going to turn my bare bottom towards that flaming fruitcake so I just stood there looking at him. That’s when Hector decided to come around from behind the chair to help me get into the seat. It was more likely that he wanted to help himself into my seat, so as he approached, I clutched the back of my hospital gown and slowly backed away. Hector kept advancing and I kept retreating so we went around and around that wheelchair until I finally saw an opportunity to safely sit down.
The fruity nurse laughed, his very girly laugh, and called me a crazy gringo as he pushed my wheelchair into another room. There he tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm and tried to put an I.V. needle into the back of my hand. It only took him five tries, and while I would have normally fainted after the second attempt, there was no way I was going to allow myself to pass out while I was alone in the room with him. This was especially true after he started talking about the procedure. With a faraway and dreamy look in his eyes, he described the length and girth of the hose the doctor would be using… and then he said, “El doc-tor wheel e’put it in jew ass nice and e’slow. He wheel go in deeper and deeper. Ay bandito, It’z so beautiful I juice want to e’cry every time I thing about it.”
If I had any doubt about Hector’s sexual orientation, after listening to him describe the procedure, all my doubts were gone. Hector was what I called a real Granola Bar; flaky, fruity and nuts.
“listen up, Hector.” I said with my most manly voice. “There is no way that I am going to have sex with you.”
“What?” Hector said with a genuine look of surprise. Giving me a very stern look and with a very indignant voice he continued. “Is dat what jew ting? Will jew are so rung. Having sex wit jew is da last ting on my mine. DA LAST TING! No senor. First jew will half to ax me to dinner, and den to a show and den after dat….”
“Read my lips Hector… No Way!!!”
Hector looked disappointed so he changed the subject and asked me if I had taken the Koli-Kleen as proscribed. My revolted expression and the cold shiver that ran up and down my spine leaving my puckered face quivering with a look of pure disgust, told him all he needed to know.
“O’ I si, no juan e’toll jew?” The blank expression on my face let him know I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so he went on. “Jew can e’take un poco de Tequila before jew drink that sheet. Dat e’helps it e’go down mucho more ezy.”
As soon as I figured out what he was trying to say, a light bulb went on over my head. What a great idea. I had a fully stocked bar at home and would have gladly downed a bottle of good Iris whisky if I had known it was okay to drink before taking that Koli-Krap. But then I started to imagine myself drunk and stumbling around the house, squirting and dripping all over the rug and the furniture. There was no way Rita would have cleaned up after me, and knowing her, she probably would have had no alternative but to shot me, torch the house for the insurance money and move down to Florida.
As Hector wheeled me into the procedure room I looked around nervously and saw the doctor and anesthesiologist standing there, but no sign of the dreaded “Big fat hose.” No doubt they planed on bringing it in after I was asleep. That sounded like such a waste of Anastasia. Not because I was so brave that I didn’t need it, but because all they would have had to do was to show me that “big fat hose” and I would have passed out on my own.
Before putting me under, the doctor had me roll over on my side, pull up my knees and count backward from a hundred. As I started to count I heard someone, standing behind me and singing with a swishy Spanish accent. To my great horror I realized it was Hector. He was standing behind me while he sang ”I fee pretty” from ‘West Side Story.’ Oh my god, that raving queen was going to be in the room while I was laying there unconscious and my naked butt exposed.
With my last once of strength I looked up at the doctor and with pleading eyes begged him. “Please shot me now before I pass out from the anesthesia,” but no such luck. The room went dark and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, still feeling high from the drugs they gave me.
The first thing I saw was my doctor’s smiling face. He looked down at me and asked how I felt. I told him I felt great except for a little discomfort around that place where the sun never shines. That reminded me of my last thoughts before going under so I reached up, grasped my doctor by the collar and pulling his face down close to mine. In an almost threatening tone I asked him, “Did you leave me alone with Hector at any time during the procedure?” The doctor looked puzzled but he assured me that he hadn’t. When I let him go the doctor said he had good news. My colon was fine and there was no evidence of any malignancy.
“Thanks doc,” I said. Then I asked him to do me a favor. “Please tell my wife…”
“I’ve already given her the good news.” The doctor interrupted.
“No, not that.” I said, as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down close to my face again. “I want you to let her know that you’ve performed a very thorough inspection of my entire intestinal track and looked into every nook and cranny of my colon… Got that?” The doctor nodded that he did. “Okay, then I want you to tell her that you’ve found absolutely no evidence that I’ve ever had my head up my ass.”
THE END
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MY COLONOSCOPY (Humor)

Dedicated to fellow writer Clarise.
Dear reader; this non-erotic short story is my first attempt at writing humor. If you want a little chuckle read on and then leave a comment to let me know what you think of my effort. If you are looking for something a little more sexually salacious, you might want to look at another offering and then come back when you are in the mood for humor.
In support and in solidarity, I dedicate this story to my friend and fellow writer, Clarise, who recently had one of her stories deleted. My Colonoscopy:
by Hardrive
After several weeks of complaining about stomach discomfort and constipation, my wife Rita got tired of my belly aching and called her fudge-packing brother for advice. That made a lot of sense. After all, who better to ask about asshole problems than your queer brother? Woops, did I say queer? I meant to say Homo-American. Anyway, Rita said her brother recommended I go see a gastroenterologist for a full evaluation.
“What?” I asked, “An ass-hole-enter what? That doesn’t even sound like a real doctor. It’s probably some kind of voodoo fag doctor.”
“No, you homophobic ignore-anus” came Rita’s cynical reply. “A gas-tro-enter-ologist, is a doctor that specializes in disorders of the digestive system. My brother is a well regarded general practitioner and if he says you should have a full evaluation of your intestinal track, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. It’s high time someone looks up your stupid ass to see what kind of problems you’ve got brewing up there.”
“Oh, really,” I said, mocking her sarcastic tone, “Since you insist I need to have my colon examined by a doctor, I guess you’re finally ready to admit you’ve been wrong about me all these years.” Rita’s perplexed expression indicated that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained. “You’re always saying that I have my head stuck up my ass.” Rita nodded in agreement. “Well,” I said with a smug smile, “if my head was really up my ass why would we need to hire a doctor to see what’s wrong… I could see it for myself.”
I thought that was hilarious, so I slapped my wife’s butt and did a little victory jig while laughing my head off. Rita wasn’t amused.
“Oh, you can’t take it when I get the upper hand.” I started to mock her. “You think you and that fairy brother of yours are so much smarter than me. Just ‘cause I don’t have a fancy college education don’t mean that I can’t tell when you’re trying to pull my leg. There is no such thing as an ass-hole-enter-whatever, So, go ahead and make an appointment with your made-up doctor. I dare you.” Rita just gave me an icy stare, smiled and walked away.
A week later we were sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him explain why I needed to have a colonoscopy. I told the doc I’ve never heard of a cola-ass-copy and had no idea what he was talking about. The doctor picked up a book with full color illustrations and used it to thoroughly explain the procedure. Pointing to the interior of the large intestine he indicated the areas that he wanted to examine and photograph.
Nodding thoughtfully, I pretended to understand what he was talking about and asked a question or two that was intended to display my advanced knowledge of medical terms. “Will you be using an x-ray camera or an MIR to photograph my inners?
The doctor smiled. “No, we use a flexible hose to guild a miniature camera through your anus and into the full length of your large intestine.” Then he showed me a picture of a little camera attached to a very long black hose.
Hell no! I said to myself. I won’t even let my family doctor check my prostate, so there was no way this joker was going to shove a big old hose up my ass. Looking around the office I spotted the door, popped up out of my seat and began to vigorously shake the doctor’s hand while I thank him profusely for wonderful presentation. The doctor seemed confused and tired to interrupt me several times but I just continued to pump his hand while backing up towards the door. My plan was working just fine and I actually got to openthe door open and had one foot over the threshold before my wife decided to intervene.
Now at this point I’d like to pause to give my male readers some advice. Never marry a stout, red headed woman of Italian-Irish descent. That combination gives them a split personality that makes Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Hulk look like a mild eccentricity. In public she tries to maintain the illusion that she is the devoted wife and I’m the boss in our relationship… but in reality she calls all the shots and only lets me do what she wants me to do.
In public she always agrees with me but she uses a code to let me know what she really wants. Whenever she smiles and says ‘Yes dear’ while putting the accent on the ‘yes’ but elongating the ‘dear,’ that means that if I even think about doing what I want, she’ll make my life a living hell. And let me tell you, when my wife says ‘living hell’ she’s not talking about Dante’s little cake walk through the seven levels of the fiery pit. She’s talking about providing me with my own personal apocalypse. Believe me, when it comes to pursuing a vengeful agenda, my wife puts Captain Ahab to shame.
In this case she was determined that I was going to have that colonoscopy, so she moved quickly to intercept me at the door. Putting her arm around me in a very loving way, she smiled at the doctor while she worked her hand under my coat and up to my neck. Putting me in her version of the Vulcan death grip, Rita paralyzed my body. When the doctor noticed that my expression suddenly went blank, he asked if there was something wrong. All I could do was move my head left to right as Rita manipulated the back of my neck. When he asked if he could schedule my procedure, I wanted to say hell no but I found myself nodding ‘yes.’ Then, when the doctor smiled and said goodbye, Rita squeezed the nerves in my neck so hard that my pained grimmest looked like I was smiling back.
By the time we left the doctor’s office, I was feeling dizzy. Leaning against Rita, we walked over to the discharge nurse who gave us the doctor’s instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘Koli-Kleen.’ The nurse said I was to drink two doses of Koli-kleen the night prior to the colonoscopy. What she didn’t tell us was that using that product was going to be, without doubt, the most gruesome part of the whole procedure.
I didn’t know it then but a week after my colonoscopy I did a google search and found that Koli-Kleen is sold in the United States as a prescription laxative, but it was originally developed during world war two by the Gestapo. The Germans called it Magen-buster and used it to get prisoners to voluntarily run into gas chambers they mislabeled “Latrines.” After the war, the Russians developed the formula into a WMD or Weapon of Mass Defecation. When the cold war ended, the KBG sold the formula to the CIA who used it in Guantanamo as an interrogation aid. It was reported that the CIA had a lot of success getting even the most resistant terrorist to literally spill their guts, but when the UN found it was being used on the prisoners, they banned its use as inhumane and a serious breach of the Geneva Convention.
Considering the nefarious history of this product, it was beyond my comprehension how any Pharmaceutical Company could get it approved by the FDA for sale to the American public. But then I saw the outrages price on the insurance company’s invoice and my question was answered.
I was totally ignorant of all that before the colonoscopy so I spent the week prior to the procedure nervously worrying about the ‘big fat hose’ and never gave a second thought to the hellish experience that awaited me on the night before.
When the time came for me to get ready, I read the instructions. Step one said that 12 hours prior to the colonoscopy I shouldn’t take any solid foods by mouth. That kind of confused me since taking solid foods by mouth was the only way I knew how to do that. Anyway, by supper time I was pretty hungry so the wife suggested I try some chicken broth. I love chicken soup but chicken broth was a big disappointment. It is nothing more than hot salty water with a little food coloring. The only chicken you’ll find in chicken broth is the word “chicken” printed on the box.
But I digress… the second step was to try and drink the first dose of Koli-Kleen. I say try because the stuff tastes like industrial grade toilet cleaner. The pharmacist recommended the lemon flavored product but I can tell you right now that the lemon flavoring in that noxious concoction does absolutely nothing to mask its totally disgusting taste. In fact, to this day I still can’t look at a lemon without getting the dry heaves.
The instructions warned that After drinking the first dose I might experience some gastric discomfort followed by a loose bowel movement. That was a gross understatement. What the instructions should have said was that after taking Koli-Kleen, my guts would heave, toss and turn like a small boat caught in a typhoon and that shortly thereafter, everything in my stomach would simultaneously attempt to abandon ship through the stern of my little brown boat.
Holy Crap, that stuff works fast. It may not be written on the box but I believe that one of Koli-Kleen’s chief ingredients is rocket fuel. I say that because when that stuff kicks in, your colon ignites and the full content of your alimentary canal is explosively jettisoned out of your ass with such force that, unless you hold on to the toilet seat, it’s possible that your body could be propelled into low earth orbit.
Needless to say, I spent the whole night sitting on the toilet and nervously waiting for the many intestinal eruptions that followed. Whenever I felt my gut begin to rumble I shut my eyes, held on to the toilet seat and did a short count-down as my rocket powered ass violently sprayed whatever was in my guts into the crapper.
This went on for hours until my intestines were totally empty and I had nothing more to give. By then it was time to drink the second round of Koli-Kleen, and to my absolute amazement, the process started all over again. I couldn’t believe it possible that there was anything left in me to expel, but apparently I was wrong.
My only explanation for this extraordinary phenomenon is that the second dose of Koli-Kleen must have the ability to tap into the spiritual realm, locate my long dead ancestors and channel the festering content of their ancient intestines through my flaming ass-hole and into the commode.
And that leads us to a subject that isn’t covered by the Koli-Kleen instructions. I’m talking about the smell. Oh my god the smell is incredible.
Let’s face it, you can’t flush out the rotting content of someone’s intestine without creating some serious atmospheric pollution. You’re probably going to think I’m exaggerating but things got so bad at my house, that I actually saw lines of staggering insects abandoning the residence. I also witness our house plants literally wither and die right before my eyes. Even the plastic plants keeled over. Rita could attested to all this but she barricaded herself in the guestroom, stuffed towels into the crack under the door, and refused to come out until it was time to go to the clinic.
Needless to say, by the end of the evening I was exhausted. All that running back and forth to the bathroom left my legs feeling like the rubbery limbs of a punch drunk boxer, and my asshole like the business end of a blow torch. That night, after pushing several ice cubes up my raw pucker, I finally passed out and slept like a very tired and dehydrated baby.
The next morning my wife got me up at what is known in military time as “oh five hundred hours.” The “oh” stands for; “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s still dark.” Anyway, when we arrived at the clinic we thought, since they wanted us there at the crack of dawn, that they intended to begin the procedure right away. We were wrong. Instead they had us filling out forms for hours. The frustrating part is that they had me answering questions I’ve already answered hundreds of times before. What the hell do they do with all that information? Obviously they don’t keep it or they wouldn’t need to ask the same dam questions over and over again.
When I was finished with the questioner the nurse brought in the consent form and asked me to sign. After looking it over I told her that I couldn’t possible sign it. She asked me why and I told her that just over the signature line there was a statement that said that I understood and agreed to all the terms, conditions and provisions stated therein. The document was twelve pages long and written in a Pig-Latin dialect of legalize that was so convoluted and incomprehensible that even my lawyer’s lawyer couldn’t have understood it.
The nurse looked at me and smiled. Then she told me I could take all the time I needed to read the consent forms and I didn’t have to sign them until I fully understood what I was signing. However, she quickly added that if I didn’t have the form signed within the next five minutes she would have to reschedule my procedure.
That’s all she had to say. It took me about five seconds to sign the release and hand it to her. There was no way I was going to reschedule the colonoscopy knowing full well that I would have to go through the same gut-draining pre-procedure I went through the night before. I think the clinic counts on that reaction and that’s why they ask you to sign the consent form after you’ve had the Koli-Kleen experience.
A half hour after I finished the paper work, a very fruity looking male nurse named Hector, came for me. He gave my wife a wink, put his hand on my shoulder and walked around me without taking his hand off my body. Then he asked her a question in a very swishy Spanish accent. “Is this jew hombre?” My wife nodded while trying to contain a very smug smile. Hector returned her smile and said, “Ay que Lindo.” And they both began to giggle as Hector put his hand through my arm and walked me down the clinic’s main corridor. “Don jew warry lindo,” he said as he snuggled up to me. “I will take berry good car of jew.”
Looking over my shoulder I made eye contact with my wife and with a sorrowful and plaintiff gaze I pleaded for her help, but Rita just smiled. It seemed to me that she was enjoying my predicament because all she did was hold up a box of Kolie-Kleen and gave me a looked that seemed to said… ‘are you sure you want to reschedule the procedure?
It was a long and uncomfortable walk to the prep-room, and when we got there Hector released my arm and handed me a plastic bag. He instructed me to go into a little room that had a curtain instead of a door. He asked me to take off all my clothes and put them in the bag. Then he handed me one of those hospital gowns. You know… the kind that is designed to strip you of all your dignity and make you feel more exposed and venerable then you’ve ever felt before.
After putting on the gown I noticed that my ass was hanging out of the back. Try as I might, I couldn’t stretch the cloth to cover my exposed behind. That’s when I saw Hector peeking through the curtains. The pervert was staring at my ass but when he saw me looking at him he smiled and asked if I was ready. Then he pushed a wheel chair into the room and with a big grin he patted the bench and told me to put my cute little tushie into the seat.
There was no way I was going to turn my bare bottom towards that flaming fruitcake so I just stood there looking at him. That’s when Hector decided to come around from behind the chair to help me get into the seat. It was more likely that he wanted to help himself into my seat, so as he approached, I clutched the back of my hospital gown and slowly backed away. Hector kept advancing and I kept retreating so we went around and around that wheelchair until I finally saw an opportunity to safely sit down.
The fruity nurse laughed, his very girly laugh, and called me a crazy gringo as he pushed my wheelchair into another room. There he tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm and tried to put an I.V. needle into the back of my hand. It only took him five tries, and while I would have normally fainted after the second attempt, there was no way I was going to allow myself to pass out while I was alone in the room with him. This was especially true after he started talking about the procedure. With a faraway and dreamy look in his eyes, he described the length and girth of the hose the doctor would be using… and then he said, “El doc-tor wheel e’put it in jew ass nice and e’slow. He wheel go in deeper and deeper. Ay bandito, It’z so beautiful I juice want to e’cry every time I thing about it.”
If I had any doubt about Hector’s sexual orientation, after listening to him describe the procedure, all my doubts were gone. Hector was what I called a real Granola Bar; flaky, fruity and nuts.
“listen up, Hector.” I said with my most manly voice. “There is no way that I am going to have sex with you.”
“What?” Hector said with a genuine look of surprise. Giving me a very stern look and with a very indignant voice he continued. “Is dat what jew ting? Will jew are so rung. Having sex wit jew is da last ting on my mine. DA LAST TING! No senor. First jew will half to ax me to dinner, and den to a show and den after dat….”
“Read my lips Hector… No Way!!!”
Hector looked disappointed so he changed the subject and asked me if I had taken the Koli-Kleen as proscribed. My revolted expression and the cold shiver that ran up and down my spine leaving my puckered face quivering with a look of pure disgust, told him all he needed to know.
“O’ I si, no juan e’toll jew?” The blank expression on my face let him know I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so he went on. “Jew can e’take un poco de Tequila before jew drink that sheet. Dat e’helps it e’go down mucho more ezy.”
As soon as I figured out what he was trying to say, a light bulb went on over my head. What a great idea. I had a fully stocked bar at home and would have gladly downed a bottle of good Iris whisky if I had known it was okay to drink before taking that Koli-Krap. But then I started to imagine myself drunk and stumbling around the house, squirting and dripping all over the rug and the furniture. There was no way Rita would have cleaned up after me, and knowing her, she probably would have had no alternative but to shot me, torch the house for the insurance money and move down to Florida.
As Hector wheeled me into the procedure room I looked around nervously and saw the doctor and anesthesiologist standing there, but no sign of the dreaded “Big fat hose.” No doubt they planed on bringing it in after I was asleep. That sounded like such a waste of Anastasia. Not because I was so brave that I didn’t need it, but because all they would have had to do was to show me that “big fat hose” and I would have passed out on my own.
Before putting me under, the doctor had me roll over on my side, pull up my knees and count backward from a hundred. As I started to count I heard someone, standing behind me and singing with a swishy Spanish accent. To my great horror I realized it was Hector. He was standing behind me while he sang ”I fee pretty” from ‘West Side Story.’ Oh my god, that raving queen was going to be in the room while I was laying there unconscious and my naked butt exposed.
With my last once of strength I looked up at the doctor and with pleading eyes begged him. “Please shot me now before I pass out from the anesthesia,” but no such luck. The room went dark and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, still feeling high from the drugs they gave me.
The first thing I saw was my doctor’s smiling face. He looked down at me and asked how I felt. I told him I felt great except for a little discomfort around that place where the sun never shines. That reminded me of my last thoughts before going under so I reached up, grasped my doctor by the collar and pulling his face down close to mine. In an almost threatening tone I asked him, “Did you leave me alone with Hector at any time during the procedure?” The doctor looked puzzled but he assured me that he hadn’t. When I let him go the doctor said he had good news. My colon was fine and there was no evidence of any malignancy.
“Thanks doc,” I said. Then I asked him to do me a favor. “Please tell my wife…”
“I’ve already given her the good news.” The doctor interrupted.
“No, not that.” I said, as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down close to my face again. “I want you to let her know that you’ve performed a very thorough inspection of my entire intestinal track and looked into every nook and cranny of my colon… Got that?” The doctor nodded that he did. “Okay, then I want you to tell her that you’ve found absolutely no evidence that I’ve ever had my head up my ass.”
THE END
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MY COLONOSCOPY (Humor)

Dedicated to fellow writer Clarise.
Dear reader; this non-erotic short story is my first attempt at writing humor. If you want a little chuckle read on and then leave a comment to let me know what you think of my effort. If you are looking for something a little more sexually salacious, you might want to look at another offering and then come back when you are in the mood for humor.
In support and in solidarity, I dedicate this story to my friend and fellow writer, Clarise, who recently had one of her stories deleted. My Colonoscopy:
by Hardrive
After several weeks of complaining about stomach discomfort and constipation, my wife Rita got tired of my belly aching and called her fudge-packing brother for advice. That made a lot of sense. After all, who better to ask about asshole problems than your queer brother? Woops, did I say queer? I meant to say Homo-American. Anyway, Rita said her brother recommended I go see a gastroenterologist for a full evaluation.
“What?” I asked, “An ass-hole-enter what? That doesn’t even sound like a real doctor. It’s probably some kind of voodoo fag doctor.”
“No, you homophobic ignore-anus” came Rita’s cynical reply. “A gas-tro-enter-ologist, is a doctor that specializes in disorders of the digestive system. My brother is a well regarded general practitioner and if he says you should have a full evaluation of your intestinal track, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. It’s high time someone looks up your stupid ass to see what kind of problems you’ve got brewing up there.”
“Oh, really,” I said, mocking her sarcastic tone, “Since you insist I need to have my colon examined by a doctor, I guess you’re finally ready to admit you’ve been wrong about me all these years.” Rita’s perplexed expression indicated that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained. “You’re always saying that I have my head stuck up my ass.” Rita nodded in agreement. “Well,” I said with a smug smile, “if my head was really up my ass why would we need to hire a doctor to see what’s wrong… I could see it for myself.”
I thought that was hilarious, so I slapped my wife’s butt and did a little victory jig while laughing my head off. Rita wasn’t amused.
“Oh, you can’t take it when I get the upper hand.” I started to mock her. “You think you and that fairy brother of yours are so much smarter than me. Just ‘cause I don’t have a fancy college education don’t mean that I can’t tell when you’re trying to pull my leg. There is no such thing as an ass-hole-enter-whatever, So, go ahead and make an appointment with your made-up doctor. I dare you.” Rita just gave me an icy stare, smiled and walked away.
A week later we were sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him explain why I needed to have a colonoscopy. I told the doc I’ve never heard of a cola-ass-copy and had no idea what he was talking about. The doctor picked up a book with full color illustrations and used it to thoroughly explain the procedure. Pointing to the interior of the large intestine he indicated the areas that he wanted to examine and photograph.
Nodding thoughtfully, I pretended to understand what he was talking about and asked a question or two that was intended to display my advanced knowledge of medical terms. “Will you be using an x-ray camera or an MIR to photograph my inners?
The doctor smiled. “No, we use a flexible hose to guild a miniature camera through your anus and into the full length of your large intestine.” Then he showed me a picture of a little camera attached to a very long black hose.
Hell no! I said to myself. I won’t even let my family doctor check my prostate, so there was no way this joker was going to shove a big old hose up my ass. Looking around the office I spotted the door, popped up out of my seat and began to vigorously shake the doctor’s hand while I thank him profusely for wonderful presentation. The doctor seemed confused and tired to interrupt me several times but I just continued to pump his hand while backing up towards the door. My plan was working just fine and I actually got to openthe door open and had one foot over the threshold before my wife decided to intervene.
Now at this point I’d like to pause to give my male readers some advice. Never marry a stout, red headed woman of Italian-Irish descent. That combination gives them a split personality that makes Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Hulk look like a mild eccentricity. In public she tries to maintain the illusion that she is the devoted wife and I’m the boss in our relationship… but in reality she calls all the shots and only lets me do what she wants me to do.
In public she always agrees with me but she uses a code to let me know what she really wants. Whenever she smiles and says ‘Yes dear’ while putting the accent on the ‘yes’ but elongating the ‘dear,’ that means that if I even think about doing what I want, she’ll make my life a living hell. And let me tell you, when my wife says ‘living hell’ she’s not talking about Dante’s little cake walk through the seven levels of the fiery pit. She’s talking about providing me with my own personal apocalypse. Believe me, when it comes to pursuing a vengeful agenda, my wife puts Captain Ahab to shame.
In this case she was determined that I was going to have that colonoscopy, so she moved quickly to intercept me at the door. Putting her arm around me in a very loving way, she smiled at the doctor while she worked her hand under my coat and up to my neck. Putting me in her version of the Vulcan death grip, Rita paralyzed my body. When the doctor noticed that my expression suddenly went blank, he asked if there was something wrong. All I could do was move my head left to right as Rita manipulated the back of my neck. When he asked if he could schedule my procedure, I wanted to say hell no but I found myself nodding ‘yes.’ Then, when the doctor smiled and said goodbye, Rita squeezed the nerves in my neck so hard that my pained grimmest looked like I was smiling back.
By the time we left the doctor’s office, I was feeling dizzy. Leaning against Rita, we walked over to the discharge nurse who gave us the doctor’s instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘Koli-Kleen.’ The nurse said I was to drink two doses of Koli-kleen the night prior to the colonoscopy. What she didn’t tell us was that using that product was going to be, without doubt, the most gruesome part of the whole procedure.
I didn’t know it then but a week after my colonoscopy I did a google search and found that Koli-Kleen is sold in the United States as a prescription laxative, but it was originally developed during world war two by the Gestapo. The Germans called it Magen-buster and used it to get prisoners to voluntarily run into gas chambers they mislabeled “Latrines.” After the war, the Russians developed the formula into a WMD or Weapon of Mass Defecation. When the cold war ended, the KBG sold the formula to the CIA who used it in Guantanamo as an interrogation aid. It was reported that the CIA had a lot of success getting even the most resistant terrorist to literally spill their guts, but when the UN found it was being used on the prisoners, they banned its use as inhumane and a serious breach of the Geneva Convention.
Considering the nefarious history of this product, it was beyond my comprehension how any Pharmaceutical Company could get it approved by the FDA for sale to the American public. But then I saw the outrages price on the insurance company’s invoice and my question was answered.
I was totally ignorant of all that before the colonoscopy so I spent the week prior to the procedure nervously worrying about the ‘big fat hose’ and never gave a second thought to the hellish experience that awaited me on the night before.
When the time came for me to get ready, I read the instructions. Step one said that 12 hours prior to the colonoscopy I shouldn’t take any solid foods by mouth. That kind of confused me since taking solid foods by mouth was the only way I knew how to do that. Anyway, by supper time I was pretty hungry so the wife suggested I try some chicken broth. I love chicken soup but chicken broth was a big disappointment. It is nothing more than hot salty water with a little food coloring. The only chicken you’ll find in chicken broth is the word “chicken” printed on the box.
But I digress… the second step was to try and drink the first dose of Koli-Kleen. I say try because the stuff tastes like industrial grade toilet cleaner. The pharmacist recommended the lemon flavored product but I can tell you right now that the lemon flavoring in that noxious concoction does absolutely nothing to mask its totally disgusting taste. In fact, to this day I still can’t look at a lemon without getting the dry heaves.
The instructions warned that After drinking the first dose I might experience some gastric discomfort followed by a loose bowel movement. That was a gross understatement. What the instructions should have said was that after taking Koli-Kleen, my guts would heave, toss and turn like a small boat caught in a typhoon and that shortly thereafter, everything in my stomach would simultaneously attempt to abandon ship through the stern of my little brown boat.
Holy Crap, that stuff works fast. It may not be written on the box but I believe that one of Koli-Kleen’s chief ingredients is rocket fuel. I say that because when that stuff kicks in, your colon ignites and the full content of your alimentary canal is explosively jettisoned out of your ass with such force that, unless you hold on to the toilet seat, it’s possible that your body could be propelled into low earth orbit.
Needless to say, I spent the whole night sitting on the toilet and nervously waiting for the many intestinal eruptions that followed. Whenever I felt my gut begin to rumble I shut my eyes, held on to the toilet seat and did a short count-down as my rocket powered ass violently sprayed whatever was in my guts into the crapper.
This went on for hours until my intestines were totally empty and I had nothing more to give. By then it was time to drink the second round of Koli-Kleen, and to my absolute amazement, the process started all over again. I couldn’t believe it possible that there was anything left in me to expel, but apparently I was wrong.
My only explanation for this extraordinary phenomenon is that the second dose of Koli-Kleen must have the ability to tap into the spiritual realm, locate my long dead ancestors and channel the festering content of their ancient intestines through my flaming ass-hole and into the commode.
And that leads us to a subject that isn’t covered by the Koli-Kleen instructions. I’m talking about the smell. Oh my god the smell is incredible.
Let’s face it, you can’t flush out the rotting content of someone’s intestine without creating some serious atmospheric pollution. You’re probably going to think I’m exaggerating but things got so bad at my house, that I actually saw lines of staggering insects abandoning the residence. I also witness our house plants literally wither and die right before my eyes. Even the plastic plants keeled over. Rita could attested to all this but she barricaded herself in the guestroom, stuffed towels into the crack under the door, and refused to come out until it was time to go to the clinic.
Needless to say, by the end of the evening I was exhausted. All that running back and forth to the bathroom left my legs feeling like the rubbery limbs of a punch drunk boxer, and my asshole like the business end of a blow torch. That night, after pushing several ice cubes up my raw pucker, I finally passed out and slept like a very tired and dehydrated baby.
The next morning my wife got me up at what is known in military time as “oh five hundred hours.” The “oh” stands for; “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s still dark.” Anyway, when we arrived at the clinic we thought, since they wanted us there at the crack of dawn, that they intended to begin the procedure right away. We were wrong. Instead they had us filling out forms for hours. The frustrating part is that they had me answering questions I’ve already answered hundreds of times before. What the hell do they do with all that information? Obviously they don’t keep it or they wouldn’t need to ask the same dam questions over and over again.
When I was finished with the questioner the nurse brought in the consent form and asked me to sign. After looking it over I told her that I couldn’t possible sign it. She asked me why and I told her that just over the signature line there was a statement that said that I understood and agreed to all the terms, conditions and provisions stated therein. The document was twelve pages long and written in a Pig-Latin dialect of legalize that was so convoluted and incomprehensible that even my lawyer’s lawyer couldn’t have understood it.
The nurse looked at me and smiled. Then she told me I could take all the time I needed to read the consent forms and I didn’t have to sign them until I fully understood what I was signing. However, she quickly added that if I didn’t have the form signed within the next five minutes she would have to reschedule my procedure.
That’s all she had to say. It took me about five seconds to sign the release and hand it to her. There was no way I was going to reschedule the colonoscopy knowing full well that I would have to go through the same gut-draining pre-procedure I went through the night before. I think the clinic counts on that reaction and that’s why they ask you to sign the consent form after you’ve had the Koli-Kleen experience.
A half hour after I finished the paper work, a very fruity looking male nurse named Hector, came for me. He gave my wife a wink, put his hand on my shoulder and walked around me without taking his hand off my body. Then he asked her a question in a very swishy Spanish accent. “Is this jew hombre?” My wife nodded while trying to contain a very smug smile. Hector returned her smile and said, “Ay que Lindo.” And they both began to giggle as Hector put his hand through my arm and walked me down the clinic’s main corridor. “Don jew warry lindo,” he said as he snuggled up to me. “I will take berry good car of jew.”
Looking over my shoulder I made eye contact with my wife and with a sorrowful and plaintiff gaze I pleaded for her help, but Rita just smiled. It seemed to me that she was enjoying my predicament because all she did was hold up a box of Kolie-Kleen and gave me a looked that seemed to said… ‘are you sure you want to reschedule the procedure?
It was a long and uncomfortable walk to the prep-room, and when we got there Hector released my arm and handed me a plastic bag. He instructed me to go into a little room that had a curtain instead of a door. He asked me to take off all my clothes and put them in the bag. Then he handed me one of those hospital gowns. You know… the kind that is designed to strip you of all your dignity and make you feel more exposed and venerable then you’ve ever felt before.
After putting on the gown I noticed that my ass was hanging out of the back. Try as I might, I couldn’t stretch the cloth to cover my exposed behind. That’s when I saw Hector peeking through the curtains. The pervert was staring at my ass but when he saw me looking at him he smiled and asked if I was ready. Then he pushed a wheel chair into the room and with a big grin he patted the bench and told me to put my cute little tushie into the seat.
There was no way I was going to turn my bare bottom towards that flaming fruitcake so I just stood there looking at him. That’s when Hector decided to come around from behind the chair to help me get into the seat. It was more likely that he wanted to help himself into my seat, so as he approached, I clutched the back of my hospital gown and slowly backed away. Hector kept advancing and I kept retreating so we went around and around that wheelchair until I finally saw an opportunity to safely sit down.
The fruity nurse laughed, his very girly laugh, and called me a crazy gringo as he pushed my wheelchair into another room. There he tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm and tried to put an I.V. needle into the back of my hand. It only took him five tries, and while I would have normally fainted after the second attempt, there was no way I was going to allow myself to pass out while I was alone in the room with him. This was especially true after he started talking about the procedure. With a faraway and dreamy look in his eyes, he described the length and girth of the hose the doctor would be using… and then he said, “El doc-tor wheel e’put it in jew ass nice and e’slow. He wheel go in deeper and deeper. Ay bandito, It’z so beautiful I juice want to e’cry every time I thing about it.”
If I had any doubt about Hector’s sexual orientation, after listening to him describe the procedure, all my doubts were gone. Hector was what I called a real Granola Bar; flaky, fruity and nuts.
“listen up, Hector.” I said with my most manly voice. “There is no way that I am going to have sex with you.”
“What?” Hector said with a genuine look of surprise. Giving me a very stern look and with a very indignant voice he continued. “Is dat what jew ting? Will jew are so rung. Having sex wit jew is da last ting on my mine. DA LAST TING! No senor. First jew will half to ax me to dinner, and den to a show and den after dat….”
“Read my lips Hector… No Way!!!”
Hector looked disappointed so he changed the subject and asked me if I had taken the Koli-Kleen as proscribed. My revolted expression and the cold shiver that ran up and down my spine leaving my puckered face quivering with a look of pure disgust, told him all he needed to know.
“O’ I si, no juan e’toll jew?” The blank expression on my face let him know I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so he went on. “Jew can e’take un poco de Tequila before jew drink that sheet. Dat e’helps it e’go down mucho more ezy.”
As soon as I figured out what he was trying to say, a light bulb went on over my head. What a great idea. I had a fully stocked bar at home and would have gladly downed a bottle of good Iris whisky if I had known it was okay to drink before taking that Koli-Krap. But then I started to imagine myself drunk and stumbling around the house, squirting and dripping all over the rug and the furniture. There was no way Rita would have cleaned up after me, and knowing her, she probably would have had no alternative but to shot me, torch the house for the insurance money and move down to Florida.
As Hector wheeled me into the procedure room I looked around nervously and saw the doctor and anesthesiologist standing there, but no sign of the dreaded “Big fat hose.” No doubt they planed on bringing it in after I was asleep. That sounded like such a waste of Anastasia. Not because I was so brave that I didn’t need it, but because all they would have had to do was to show me that “big fat hose” and I would have passed out on my own.
Before putting me under, the doctor had me roll over on my side, pull up my knees and count backward from a hundred. As I started to count I heard someone, standing behind me and singing with a swishy Spanish accent. To my great horror I realized it was Hector. He was standing behind me while he sang ”I fee pretty” from ‘West Side Story.’ Oh my god, that raving queen was going to be in the room while I was laying there unconscious and my naked butt exposed.
With my last once of strength I looked up at the doctor and with pleading eyes begged him. “Please shot me now before I pass out from the anesthesia,” but no such luck. The room went dark and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, still feeling high from the drugs they gave me.
The first thing I saw was my doctor’s smiling face. He looked down at me and asked how I felt. I told him I felt great except for a little discomfort around that place where the sun never shines. That reminded me of my last thoughts before going under so I reached up, grasped my doctor by the collar and pulling his face down close to mine. In an almost threatening tone I asked him, “Did you leave me alone with Hector at any time during the procedure?” The doctor looked puzzled but he assured me that he hadn’t. When I let him go the doctor said he had good news. My colon was fine and there was no evidence of any malignancy.
“Thanks doc,” I said. Then I asked him to do me a favor. “Please tell my wife…”
“I’ve already given her the good news.” The doctor interrupted.
“No, not that.” I said, as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down close to my face again. “I want you to let her know that you’ve performed a very thorough inspection of my entire intestinal track and looked into every nook and cranny of my colon… Got that?” The doctor nodded that he did. “Okay, then I want you to tell her that you’ve found absolutely no evidence that I’ve ever had my head up my ass.”
THE END
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MY COLONOSCOPY (Humor)

Dedicated to fellow writer Clarise.
Dear reader; this non-erotic short story is my first attempt at writing humor. If you want a little chuckle read on and then leave a comment to let me know what you think of my effort. If you are looking for something a little more sexually salacious, you might want to look at another offering and then come back when you are in the mood for humor.
In support and in solidarity, I dedicate this story to my friend and fellow writer, Clarise, who recently had one of her stories deleted. My Colonoscopy:
by Hardrive
After several weeks of complaining about stomach discomfort and constipation, my wife Rita got tired of my belly aching and called her fudge-packing brother for advice. That made a lot of sense. After all, who better to ask about asshole problems than your queer brother? Woops, did I say queer? I meant to say Homo-American. Anyway, Rita said her brother recommended I go see a gastroenterologist for a full evaluation.
“What?” I asked, “An ass-hole-enter what? That doesn’t even sound like a real doctor. It’s probably some kind of voodoo fag doctor.”
“No, you homophobic ignore-anus” came Rita’s cynical reply. “A gas-tro-enter-ologist, is a doctor that specializes in disorders of the digestive system. My brother is a well regarded general practitioner and if he says you should have a full evaluation of your intestinal track, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. It’s high time someone looks up your stupid ass to see what kind of problems you’ve got brewing up there.”
“Oh, really,” I said, mocking her sarcastic tone, “Since you insist I need to have my colon examined by a doctor, I guess you’re finally ready to admit you’ve been wrong about me all these years.” Rita’s perplexed expression indicated that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained. “You’re always saying that I have my head stuck up my ass.” Rita nodded in agreement. “Well,” I said with a smug smile, “if my head was really up my ass why would we need to hire a doctor to see what’s wrong… I could see it for myself.”
I thought that was hilarious, so I slapped my wife’s butt and did a little victory jig while laughing my head off. Rita wasn’t amused.
“Oh, you can’t take it when I get the upper hand.” I started to mock her. “You think you and that fairy brother of yours are so much smarter than me. Just ‘cause I don’t have a fancy college education don’t mean that I can’t tell when you’re trying to pull my leg. There is no such thing as an ass-hole-enter-whatever, So, go ahead and make an appointment with your made-up doctor. I dare you.” Rita just gave me an icy stare, smiled and walked away.
A week later we were sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him explain why I needed to have a colonoscopy. I told the doc I’ve never heard of a cola-ass-copy and had no idea what he was talking about. The doctor picked up a book with full color illustrations and used it to thoroughly explain the procedure. Pointing to the interior of the large intestine he indicated the areas that he wanted to examine and photograph.
Nodding thoughtfully, I pretended to understand what he was talking about and asked a question or two that was intended to display my advanced knowledge of medical terms. “Will you be using an x-ray camera or an MIR to photograph my inners?
The doctor smiled. “No, we use a flexible hose to guild a miniature camera through your anus and into the full length of your large intestine.” Then he showed me a picture of a little camera attached to a very long black hose.
Hell no! I said to myself. I won’t even let my family doctor check my prostate, so there was no way this joker was going to shove a big old hose up my ass. Looking around the office I spotted the door, popped up out of my seat and began to vigorously shake the doctor’s hand while I thank him profusely for wonderful presentation. The doctor seemed confused and tired to interrupt me several times but I just continued to pump his hand while backing up towards the door. My plan was working just fine and I actually got to openthe door open and had one foot over the threshold before my wife decided to intervene.
Now at this point I’d like to pause to give my male readers some advice. Never marry a stout, red headed woman of Italian-Irish descent. That combination gives them a split personality that makes Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Hulk look like a mild eccentricity. In public she tries to maintain the illusion that she is the devoted wife and I’m the boss in our relationship… but in reality she calls all the shots and only lets me do what she wants me to do.
In public she always agrees with me but she uses a code to let me know what she really wants. Whenever she smiles and says ‘Yes dear’ while putting the accent on the ‘yes’ but elongating the ‘dear,’ that means that if I even think about doing what I want, she’ll make my life a living hell. And let me tell you, when my wife says ‘living hell’ she’s not talking about Dante’s little cake walk through the seven levels of the fiery pit. She’s talking about providing me with my own personal apocalypse. Believe me, when it comes to pursuing a vengeful agenda, my wife puts Captain Ahab to shame.
In this case she was determined that I was going to have that colonoscopy, so she moved quickly to intercept me at the door. Putting her arm around me in a very loving way, she smiled at the doctor while she worked her hand under my coat and up to my neck. Putting me in her version of the Vulcan death grip, Rita paralyzed my body. When the doctor noticed that my expression suddenly went blank, he asked if there was something wrong. All I could do was move my head left to right as Rita manipulated the back of my neck. When he asked if he could schedule my procedure, I wanted to say hell no but I found myself nodding ‘yes.’ Then, when the doctor smiled and said goodbye, Rita squeezed the nerves in my neck so hard that my pained grimmest looked like I was smiling back.
By the time we left the doctor’s office, I was feeling dizzy. Leaning against Rita, we walked over to the discharge nurse who gave us the doctor’s instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘Koli-Kleen.’ The nurse said I was to drink two doses of Koli-kleen the night prior to the colonoscopy. What she didn’t tell us was that using that product was going to be, without doubt, the most gruesome part of the whole procedure.
I didn’t know it then but a week after my colonoscopy I did a google search and found that Koli-Kleen is sold in the United States as a prescription laxative, but it was originally developed during world war two by the Gestapo. The Germans called it Magen-buster and used it to get prisoners to voluntarily run into gas chambers they mislabeled “Latrines.” After the war, the Russians developed the formula into a WMD or Weapon of Mass Defecation. When the cold war ended, the KBG sold the formula to the CIA who used it in Guantanamo as an interrogation aid. It was reported that the CIA had a lot of success getting even the most resistant terrorist to literally spill their guts, but when the UN found it was being used on the prisoners, they banned its use as inhumane and a serious breach of the Geneva Convention.
Considering the nefarious history of this product, it was beyond my comprehension how any Pharmaceutical Company could get it approved by the FDA for sale to the American public. But then I saw the outrages price on the insurance company’s invoice and my question was answered.
I was totally ignorant of all that before the colonoscopy so I spent the week prior to the procedure nervously worrying about the ‘big fat hose’ and never gave a second thought to the hellish experience that awaited me on the night before.
When the time came for me to get ready, I read the instructions. Step one said that 12 hours prior to the colonoscopy I shouldn’t take any solid foods by mouth. That kind of confused me since taking solid foods by mouth was the only way I knew how to do that. Anyway, by supper time I was pretty hungry so the wife suggested I try some chicken broth. I love chicken soup but chicken broth was a big disappointment. It is nothing more than hot salty water with a little food coloring. The only chicken you’ll find in chicken broth is the word “chicken” printed on the box.
But I digress… the second step was to try and drink the first dose of Koli-Kleen. I say try because the stuff tastes like industrial grade toilet cleaner. The pharmacist recommended the lemon flavored product but I can tell you right now that the lemon flavoring in that noxious concoction does absolutely nothing to mask its totally disgusting taste. In fact, to this day I still can’t look at a lemon without getting the dry heaves.
The instructions warned that After drinking the first dose I might experience some gastric discomfort followed by a loose bowel movement. That was a gross understatement. What the instructions should have said was that after taking Koli-Kleen, my guts would heave, toss and turn like a small boat caught in a typhoon and that shortly thereafter, everything in my stomach would simultaneously attempt to abandon ship through the stern of my little brown boat.
Holy Crap, that stuff works fast. It may not be written on the box but I believe that one of Koli-Kleen’s chief ingredients is rocket fuel. I say that because when that stuff kicks in, your colon ignites and the full content of your alimentary canal is explosively jettisoned out of your ass with such force that, unless you hold on to the toilet seat, it’s possible that your body could be propelled into low earth orbit.
Needless to say, I spent the whole night sitting on the toilet and nervously waiting for the many intestinal eruptions that followed. Whenever I felt my gut begin to rumble I shut my eyes, held on to the toilet seat and did a short count-down as my rocket powered ass violently sprayed whatever was in my guts into the crapper.
This went on for hours until my intestines were totally empty and I had nothing more to give. By then it was time to drink the second round of Koli-Kleen, and to my absolute amazement, the process started all over again. I couldn’t believe it possible that there was anything left in me to expel, but apparently I was wrong.
My only explanation for this extraordinary phenomenon is that the second dose of Koli-Kleen must have the ability to tap into the spiritual realm, locate my long dead ancestors and channel the festering content of their ancient intestines through my flaming ass-hole and into the commode.
And that leads us to a subject that isn’t covered by the Koli-Kleen instructions. I’m talking about the smell. Oh my god the smell is incredible.
Let’s face it, you can’t flush out the rotting content of someone’s intestine without creating some serious atmospheric pollution. You’re probably going to think I’m exaggerating but things got so bad at my house, that I actually saw lines of staggering insects abandoning the residence. I also witness our house plants literally wither and die right before my eyes. Even the plastic plants keeled over. Rita could attested to all this but she barricaded herself in the guestroom, stuffed towels into the crack under the door, and refused to come out until it was time to go to the clinic.
Needless to say, by the end of the evening I was exhausted. All that running back and forth to the bathroom left my legs feeling like the rubbery limbs of a punch drunk boxer, and my asshole like the business end of a blow torch. That night, after pushing several ice cubes up my raw pucker, I finally passed out and slept like a very tired and dehydrated baby.
The next morning my wife got me up at what is known in military time as “oh five hundred hours.” The “oh” stands for; “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s still dark.” Anyway, when we arrived at the clinic we thought, since they wanted us there at the crack of dawn, that they intended to begin the procedure right away. We were wrong. Instead they had us filling out forms for hours. The frustrating part is that they had me answering questions I’ve already answered hundreds of times before. What the hell do they do with all that information? Obviously they don’t keep it or they wouldn’t need to ask the same dam questions over and over again.
When I was finished with the questioner the nurse brought in the consent form and asked me to sign. After looking it over I told her that I couldn’t possible sign it. She asked me why and I told her that just over the signature line there was a statement that said that I understood and agreed to all the terms, conditions and provisions stated therein. The document was twelve pages long and written in a Pig-Latin dialect of legalize that was so convoluted and incomprehensible that even my lawyer’s lawyer couldn’t have understood it.
The nurse looked at me and smiled. Then she told me I could take all the time I needed to read the consent forms and I didn’t have to sign them until I fully understood what I was signing. However, she quickly added that if I didn’t have the form signed within the next five minutes she would have to reschedule my procedure.
That’s all she had to say. It took me about five seconds to sign the release and hand it to her. There was no way I was going to reschedule the colonoscopy knowing full well that I would have to go through the same gut-draining pre-procedure I went through the night before. I think the clinic counts on that reaction and that’s why they ask you to sign the consent form after you’ve had the Koli-Kleen experience.
A half hour after I finished the paper work, a very fruity looking male nurse named Hector, came for me. He gave my wife a wink, put his hand on my shoulder and walked around me without taking his hand off my body. Then he asked her a question in a very swishy Spanish accent. “Is this jew hombre?” My wife nodded while trying to contain a very smug smile. Hector returned her smile and said, “Ay que Lindo.” And they both began to giggle as Hector put his hand through my arm and walked me down the clinic’s main corridor. “Don jew warry lindo,” he said as he snuggled up to me. “I will take berry good car of jew.”
Looking over my shoulder I made eye contact with my wife and with a sorrowful and plaintiff gaze I pleaded for her help, but Rita just smiled. It seemed to me that she was enjoying my predicament because all she did was hold up a box of Kolie-Kleen and gave me a looked that seemed to said… ‘are you sure you want to reschedule the procedure?
It was a long and uncomfortable walk to the prep-room, and when we got there Hector released my arm and handed me a plastic bag. He instructed me to go into a little room that had a curtain instead of a door. He asked me to take off all my clothes and put them in the bag. Then he handed me one of those hospital gowns. You know… the kind that is designed to strip you of all your dignity and make you feel more exposed and venerable then you’ve ever felt before.
After putting on the gown I noticed that my ass was hanging out of the back. Try as I might, I couldn’t stretch the cloth to cover my exposed behind. That’s when I saw Hector peeking through the curtains. The pervert was staring at my ass but when he saw me looking at him he smiled and asked if I was ready. Then he pushed a wheel chair into the room and with a big grin he patted the bench and told me to put my cute little tushie into the seat.
There was no way I was going to turn my bare bottom towards that flaming fruitcake so I just stood there looking at him. That’s when Hector decided to come around from behind the chair to help me get into the seat. It was more likely that he wanted to help himself into my seat, so as he approached, I clutched the back of my hospital gown and slowly backed away. Hector kept advancing and I kept retreating so we went around and around that wheelchair until I finally saw an opportunity to safely sit down.
The fruity nurse laughed, his very girly laugh, and called me a crazy gringo as he pushed my wheelchair into another room. There he tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm and tried to put an I.V. needle into the back of my hand. It only took him five tries, and while I would have normally fainted after the second attempt, there was no way I was going to allow myself to pass out while I was alone in the room with him. This was especially true after he started talking about the procedure. With a faraway and dreamy look in his eyes, he described the length and girth of the hose the doctor would be using… and then he said, “El doc-tor wheel e’put it in jew ass nice and e’slow. He wheel go in deeper and deeper. Ay bandito, It’z so beautiful I juice want to e’cry every time I thing about it.”
If I had any doubt about Hector’s sexual orientation, after listening to him describe the procedure, all my doubts were gone. Hector was what I called a real Granola Bar; flaky, fruity and nuts.
“listen up, Hector.” I said with my most manly voice. “There is no way that I am going to have sex with you.”
“What?” Hector said with a genuine look of surprise. Giving me a very stern look and with a very indignant voice he continued. “Is dat what jew ting? Will jew are so rung. Having sex wit jew is da last ting on my mine. DA LAST TING! No senor. First jew will half to ax me to dinner, and den to a show and den after dat….”
“Read my lips Hector… No Way!!!”
Hector looked disappointed so he changed the subject and asked me if I had taken the Koli-Kleen as proscribed. My revolted expression and the cold shiver that ran up and down my spine leaving my puckered face quivering with a look of pure disgust, told him all he needed to know.
“O’ I si, no juan e’toll jew?” The blank expression on my face let him know I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so he went on. “Jew can e’take un poco de Tequila before jew drink that sheet. Dat e’helps it e’go down mucho more ezy.”
As soon as I figured out what he was trying to say, a light bulb went on over my head. What a great idea. I had a fully stocked bar at home and would have gladly downed a bottle of good Iris whisky if I had known it was okay to drink before taking that Koli-Krap. But then I started to imagine myself drunk and stumbling around the house, squirting and dripping all over the rug and the furniture. There was no way Rita would have cleaned up after me, and knowing her, she probably would have had no alternative but to shot me, torch the house for the insurance money and move down to Florida.
As Hector wheeled me into the procedure room I looked around nervously and saw the doctor and anesthesiologist standing there, but no sign of the dreaded “Big fat hose.” No doubt they planed on bringing it in after I was asleep. That sounded like such a waste of Anastasia. Not because I was so brave that I didn’t need it, but because all they would have had to do was to show me that “big fat hose” and I would have passed out on my own.
Before putting me under, the doctor had me roll over on my side, pull up my knees and count backward from a hundred. As I started to count I heard someone, standing behind me and singing with a swishy Spanish accent. To my great horror I realized it was Hector. He was standing behind me while he sang ”I fee pretty” from ‘West Side Story.’ Oh my god, that raving queen was going to be in the room while I was laying there unconscious and my naked butt exposed.
With my last once of strength I looked up at the doctor and with pleading eyes begged him. “Please shot me now before I pass out from the anesthesia,” but no such luck. The room went dark and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, still feeling high from the drugs they gave me.
The first thing I saw was my doctor’s smiling face. He looked down at me and asked how I felt. I told him I felt great except for a little discomfort around that place where the sun never shines. That reminded me of my last thoughts before going under so I reached up, grasped my doctor by the collar and pulling his face down close to mine. In an almost threatening tone I asked him, “Did you leave me alone with Hector at any time during the procedure?” The doctor looked puzzled but he assured me that he hadn’t. When I let him go the doctor said he had good news. My colon was fine and there was no evidence of any malignancy.
“Thanks doc,” I said. Then I asked him to do me a favor. “Please tell my wife…”
“I’ve already given her the good news.” The doctor interrupted.
“No, not that.” I said, as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down close to my face again. “I want you to let her know that you’ve performed a very thorough inspection of my entire intestinal track and looked into every nook and cranny of my colon… Got that?” The doctor nodded that he did. “Okay, then I want you to tell her that you’ve found absolutely no evidence that I’ve ever had my head up my ass.”
THE END
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MY COLONOSCOPY (Humor)

Dedicated to fellow writer Clarise.
Dear reader; this non-erotic short story is my first attempt at writing humor. If you want a little chuckle read on and then leave a comment to let me know what you think of my effort. If you are looking for something a little more sexually salacious, you might want to look at another offering and then come back when you are in the mood for humor.
In support and in solidarity, I dedicate this story to my friend and fellow writer, Clarise, who recently had one of her stories deleted. My Colonoscopy:
by Hardrive
After several weeks of complaining about stomach discomfort and constipation, my wife Rita got tired of my belly aching and called her fudge-packing brother for advice. That made a lot of sense. After all, who better to ask about asshole problems than your queer brother? Woops, did I say queer? I meant to say Homo-American. Anyway, Rita said her brother recommended I go see a gastroenterologist for a full evaluation.
“What?” I asked, “An ass-hole-enter what? That doesn’t even sound like a real doctor. It’s probably some kind of voodoo fag doctor.”
“No, you homophobic ignore-anus” came Rita’s cynical reply. “A gas-tro-enter-ologist, is a doctor that specializes in disorders of the digestive system. My brother is a well regarded general practitioner and if he says you should have a full evaluation of your intestinal track, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. It’s high time someone looks up your stupid ass to see what kind of problems you’ve got brewing up there.”
“Oh, really,” I said, mocking her sarcastic tone, “Since you insist I need to have my colon examined by a doctor, I guess you’re finally ready to admit you’ve been wrong about me all these years.” Rita’s perplexed expression indicated that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained. “You’re always saying that I have my head stuck up my ass.” Rita nodded in agreement. “Well,” I said with a smug smile, “if my head was really up my ass why would we need to hire a doctor to see what’s wrong… I could see it for myself.”
I thought that was hilarious, so I slapped my wife’s butt and did a little victory jig while laughing my head off. Rita wasn’t amused.
“Oh, you can’t take it when I get the upper hand.” I started to mock her. “You think you and that fairy brother of yours are so much smarter than me. Just ‘cause I don’t have a fancy college education don’t mean that I can’t tell when you’re trying to pull my leg. There is no such thing as an ass-hole-enter-whatever, So, go ahead and make an appointment with your made-up doctor. I dare you.” Rita just gave me an icy stare, smiled and walked away.
A week later we were sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him explain why I needed to have a colonoscopy. I told the doc I’ve never heard of a cola-ass-copy and had no idea what he was talking about. The doctor picked up a book with full color illustrations and used it to thoroughly explain the procedure. Pointing to the interior of the large intestine he indicated the areas that he wanted to examine and photograph.
Nodding thoughtfully, I pretended to understand what he was talking about and asked a question or two that was intended to display my advanced knowledge of medical terms. “Will you be using an x-ray camera or an MIR to photograph my inners?
The doctor smiled. “No, we use a flexible hose to guild a miniature camera through your anus and into the full length of your large intestine.” Then he showed me a picture of a little camera attached to a very long black hose.
Hell no! I said to myself. I won’t even let my family doctor check my prostate, so there was no way this joker was going to shove a big old hose up my ass. Looking around the office I spotted the door, popped up out of my seat and began to vigorously shake the doctor’s hand while I thank him profusely for wonderful presentation. The doctor seemed confused and tired to interrupt me several times but I just continued to pump his hand while backing up towards the door. My plan was working just fine and I actually got to openthe door open and had one foot over the threshold before my wife decided to intervene.
Now at this point I’d like to pause to give my male readers some advice. Never marry a stout, red headed woman of Italian-Irish descent. That combination gives them a split personality that makes Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Hulk look like a mild eccentricity. In public she tries to maintain the illusion that she is the devoted wife and I’m the boss in our relationship… but in reality she calls all the shots and only lets me do what she wants me to do.
In public she always agrees with me but she uses a code to let me know what she really wants. Whenever she smiles and says ‘Yes dear’ while putting the accent on the ‘yes’ but elongating the ‘dear,’ that means that if I even think about doing what I want, she’ll make my life a living hell. And let me tell you, when my wife says ‘living hell’ she’s not talking about Dante’s little cake walk through the seven levels of the fiery pit. She’s talking about providing me with my own personal apocalypse. Believe me, when it comes to pursuing a vengeful agenda, my wife puts Captain Ahab to shame.
In this case she was determined that I was going to have that colonoscopy, so she moved quickly to intercept me at the door. Putting her arm around me in a very loving way, she smiled at the doctor while she worked her hand under my coat and up to my neck. Putting me in her version of the Vulcan death grip, Rita paralyzed my body. When the doctor noticed that my expression suddenly went blank, he asked if there was something wrong. All I could do was move my head left to right as Rita manipulated the back of my neck. When he asked if he could schedule my procedure, I wanted to say hell no but I found myself nodding ‘yes.’ Then, when the doctor smiled and said goodbye, Rita squeezed the nerves in my neck so hard that my pained grimmest looked like I was smiling back.
By the time we left the doctor’s office, I was feeling dizzy. Leaning against Rita, we walked over to the discharge nurse who gave us the doctor’s instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘Koli-Kleen.’ The nurse said I was to drink two doses of Koli-kleen the night prior to the colonoscopy. What she didn’t tell us was that using that product was going to be, without doubt, the most gruesome part of the whole procedure.
I didn’t know it then but a week after my colonoscopy I did a google search and found that Koli-Kleen is sold in the United States as a prescription laxative, but it was originally developed during world war two by the Gestapo. The Germans called it Magen-buster and used it to get prisoners to voluntarily run into gas chambers they mislabeled “Latrines.” After the war, the Russians developed the formula into a WMD or Weapon of Mass Defecation. When the cold war ended, the KBG sold the formula to the CIA who used it in Guantanamo as an interrogation aid. It was reported that the CIA had a lot of success getting even the most resistant terrorist to literally spill their guts, but when the UN found it was being used on the prisoners, they banned its use as inhumane and a serious breach of the Geneva Convention.
Considering the nefarious history of this product, it was beyond my comprehension how any Pharmaceutical Company could get it approved by the FDA for sale to the American public. But then I saw the outrages price on the insurance company’s invoice and my question was answered.
I was totally ignorant of all that before the colonoscopy so I spent the week prior to the procedure nervously worrying about the ‘big fat hose’ and never gave a second thought to the hellish experience that awaited me on the night before.
When the time came for me to get ready, I read the instructions. Step one said that 12 hours prior to the colonoscopy I shouldn’t take any solid foods by mouth. That kind of confused me since taking solid foods by mouth was the only way I knew how to do that. Anyway, by supper time I was pretty hungry so the wife suggested I try some chicken broth. I love chicken soup but chicken broth was a big disappointment. It is nothing more than hot salty water with a little food coloring. The only chicken you’ll find in chicken broth is the word “chicken” printed on the box.
But I digress… the second step was to try and drink the first dose of Koli-Kleen. I say try because the stuff tastes like industrial grade toilet cleaner. The pharmacist recommended the lemon flavored product but I can tell you right now that the lemon flavoring in that noxious concoction does absolutely nothing to mask its totally disgusting taste. In fact, to this day I still can’t look at a lemon without getting the dry heaves.
The instructions warned that After drinking the first dose I might experience some gastric discomfort followed by a loose bowel movement. That was a gross understatement. What the instructions should have said was that after taking Koli-Kleen, my guts would heave, toss and turn like a small boat caught in a typhoon and that shortly thereafter, everything in my stomach would simultaneously attempt to abandon ship through the stern of my little brown boat.
Holy Crap, that stuff works fast. It may not be written on the box but I believe that one of Koli-Kleen’s chief ingredients is rocket fuel. I say that because when that stuff kicks in, your colon ignites and the full content of your alimentary canal is explosively jettisoned out of your ass with such force that, unless you hold on to the toilet seat, it’s possible that your body could be propelled into low earth orbit.
Needless to say, I spent the whole night sitting on the toilet and nervously waiting for the many intestinal eruptions that followed. Whenever I felt my gut begin to rumble I shut my eyes, held on to the toilet seat and did a short count-down as my rocket powered ass violently sprayed whatever was in my guts into the crapper.
This went on for hours until my intestines were totally empty and I had nothing more to give. By then it was time to drink the second round of Koli-Kleen, and to my absolute amazement, the process started all over again. I couldn’t believe it possible that there was anything left in me to expel, but apparently I was wrong.
My only explanation for this extraordinary phenomenon is that the second dose of Koli-Kleen must have the ability to tap into the spiritual realm, locate my long dead ancestors and channel the festering content of their ancient intestines through my flaming ass-hole and into the commode.
And that leads us to a subject that isn’t covered by the Koli-Kleen instructions. I’m talking about the smell. Oh my god the smell is incredible.
Let’s face it, you can’t flush out the rotting content of someone’s intestine without creating some serious atmospheric pollution. You’re probably going to think I’m exaggerating but things got so bad at my house, that I actually saw lines of staggering insects abandoning the residence. I also witness our house plants literally wither and die right before my eyes. Even the plastic plants keeled over. Rita could attested to all this but she barricaded herself in the guestroom, stuffed towels into the crack under the door, and refused to come out until it was time to go to the clinic.
Needless to say, by the end of the evening I was exhausted. All that running back and forth to the bathroom left my legs feeling like the rubbery limbs of a punch drunk boxer, and my asshole like the business end of a blow torch. That night, after pushing several ice cubes up my raw pucker, I finally passed out and slept like a very tired and dehydrated baby.
The next morning my wife got me up at what is known in military time as “oh five hundred hours.” The “oh” stands for; “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s still dark.” Anyway, when we arrived at the clinic we thought, since they wanted us there at the crack of dawn, that they intended to begin the procedure right away. We were wrong. Instead they had us filling out forms for hours. The frustrating part is that they had me answering questions I’ve already answered hundreds of times before. What the hell do they do with all that information? Obviously they don’t keep it or they wouldn’t need to ask the same dam questions over and over again.
When I was finished with the questioner the nurse brought in the consent form and asked me to sign. After looking it over I told her that I couldn’t possible sign it. She asked me why and I told her that just over the signature line there was a statement that said that I understood and agreed to all the terms, conditions and provisions stated therein. The document was twelve pages long and written in a Pig-Latin dialect of legalize that was so convoluted and incomprehensible that even my lawyer’s lawyer couldn’t have understood it.
The nurse looked at me and smiled. Then she told me I could take all the time I needed to read the consent forms and I didn’t have to sign them until I fully understood what I was signing. However, she quickly added that if I didn’t have the form signed within the next five minutes she would have to reschedule my procedure.
That’s all she had to say. It took me about five seconds to sign the release and hand it to her. There was no way I was going to reschedule the colonoscopy knowing full well that I would have to go through the same gut-draining pre-procedure I went through the night before. I think the clinic counts on that reaction and that’s why they ask you to sign the consent form after you’ve had the Koli-Kleen experience.
A half hour after I finished the paper work, a very fruity looking male nurse named Hector, came for me. He gave my wife a wink, put his hand on my shoulder and walked around me without taking his hand off my body. Then he asked her a question in a very swishy Spanish accent. “Is this jew hombre?” My wife nodded while trying to contain a very smug smile. Hector returned her smile and said, “Ay que Lindo.” And they both began to giggle as Hector put his hand through my arm and walked me down the clinic’s main corridor. “Don jew warry lindo,” he said as he snuggled up to me. “I will take berry good car of jew.”
Looking over my shoulder I made eye contact with my wife and with a sorrowful and plaintiff gaze I pleaded for her help, but Rita just smiled. It seemed to me that she was enjoying my predicament because all she did was hold up a box of Kolie-Kleen and gave me a looked that seemed to said… ‘are you sure you want to reschedule the procedure?
It was a long and uncomfortable walk to the prep-room, and when we got there Hector released my arm and handed me a plastic bag. He instructed me to go into a little room that had a curtain instead of a door. He asked me to take off all my clothes and put them in the bag. Then he handed me one of those hospital gowns. You know… the kind that is designed to strip you of all your dignity and make you feel more exposed and venerable then you’ve ever felt before.
After putting on the gown I noticed that my ass was hanging out of the back. Try as I might, I couldn’t stretch the cloth to cover my exposed behind. That’s when I saw Hector peeking through the curtains. The pervert was staring at my ass but when he saw me looking at him he smiled and asked if I was ready. Then he pushed a wheel chair into the room and with a big grin he patted the bench and told me to put my cute little tushie into the seat.
There was no way I was going to turn my bare bottom towards that flaming fruitcake so I just stood there looking at him. That’s when Hector decided to come around from behind the chair to help me get into the seat. It was more likely that he wanted to help himself into my seat, so as he approached, I clutched the back of my hospital gown and slowly backed away. Hector kept advancing and I kept retreating so we went around and around that wheelchair until I finally saw an opportunity to safely sit down.
The fruity nurse laughed, his very girly laugh, and called me a crazy gringo as he pushed my wheelchair into another room. There he tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm and tried to put an I.V. needle into the back of my hand. It only took him five tries, and while I would have normally fainted after the second attempt, there was no way I was going to allow myself to pass out while I was alone in the room with him. This was especially true after he started talking about the procedure. With a faraway and dreamy look in his eyes, he described the length and girth of the hose the doctor would be using… and then he said, “El doc-tor wheel e’put it in jew ass nice and e’slow. He wheel go in deeper and deeper. Ay bandito, It’z so beautiful I juice want to e’cry every time I thing about it.”
If I had any doubt about Hector’s sexual orientation, after listening to him describe the procedure, all my doubts were gone. Hector was what I called a real Granola Bar; flaky, fruity and nuts.
“listen up, Hector.” I said with my most manly voice. “There is no way that I am going to have sex with you.”
“What?” Hector said with a genuine look of surprise. Giving me a very stern look and with a very indignant voice he continued. “Is dat what jew ting? Will jew are so rung. Having sex wit jew is da last ting on my mine. DA LAST TING! No senor. First jew will half to ax me to dinner, and den to a show and den after dat….”
“Read my lips Hector… No Way!!!”
Hector looked disappointed so he changed the subject and asked me if I had taken the Koli-Kleen as proscribed. My revolted expression and the cold shiver that ran up and down my spine leaving my puckered face quivering with a look of pure disgust, told him all he needed to know.
“O’ I si, no juan e’toll jew?” The blank expression on my face let him know I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so he went on. “Jew can e’take un poco de Tequila before jew drink that sheet. Dat e’helps it e’go down mucho more ezy.”
As soon as I figured out what he was trying to say, a light bulb went on over my head. What a great idea. I had a fully stocked bar at home and would have gladly downed a bottle of good Iris whisky if I had known it was okay to drink before taking that Koli-Krap. But then I started to imagine myself drunk and stumbling around the house, squirting and dripping all over the rug and the furniture. There was no way Rita would have cleaned up after me, and knowing her, she probably would have had no alternative but to shot me, torch the house for the insurance money and move down to Florida.
As Hector wheeled me into the procedure room I looked around nervously and saw the doctor and anesthesiologist standing there, but no sign of the dreaded “Big fat hose.” No doubt they planed on bringing it in after I was asleep. That sounded like such a waste of Anastasia. Not because I was so brave that I didn’t need it, but because all they would have had to do was to show me that “big fat hose” and I would have passed out on my own.
Before putting me under, the doctor had me roll over on my side, pull up my knees and count backward from a hundred. As I started to count I heard someone, standing behind me and singing with a swishy Spanish accent. To my great horror I realized it was Hector. He was standing behind me while he sang ”I fee pretty” from ‘West Side Story.’ Oh my god, that raving queen was going to be in the room while I was laying there unconscious and my naked butt exposed.
With my last once of strength I looked up at the doctor and with pleading eyes begged him. “Please shot me now before I pass out from the anesthesia,” but no such luck. The room went dark and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, still feeling high from the drugs they gave me.
The first thing I saw was my doctor’s smiling face. He looked down at me and asked how I felt. I told him I felt great except for a little discomfort around that place where the sun never shines. That reminded me of my last thoughts before going under so I reached up, grasped my doctor by the collar and pulling his face down close to mine. In an almost threatening tone I asked him, “Did you leave me alone with Hector at any time during the procedure?” The doctor looked puzzled but he assured me that he hadn’t. When I let him go the doctor said he had good news. My colon was fine and there was no evidence of any malignancy.
“Thanks doc,” I said. Then I asked him to do me a favor. “Please tell my wife…”
“I’ve already given her the good news.” The doctor interrupted.
“No, not that.” I said, as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down close to my face again. “I want you to let her know that you’ve performed a very thorough inspection of my entire intestinal track and looked into every nook and cranny of my colon… Got that?” The doctor nodded that he did. “Okay, then I want you to tell her that you’ve found absolutely no evidence that I’ve ever had my head up my ass.”
THE END
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MY COLONOSCOPY (Humor)

Dedicated to fellow writer Clarise.
Dear reader; this non-erotic short story is my first attempt at writing humor. If you want a little chuckle read on and then leave a comment to let me know what you think of my effort. If you are looking for something a little more sexually salacious, you might want to look at another offering and then come back when you are in the mood for humor.
In support and in solidarity, I dedicate this story to my friend and fellow writer, Clarise, who recently had one of her stories deleted. My Colonoscopy:
by Hardrive
After several weeks of complaining about stomach discomfort and constipation, my wife Rita got tired of my belly aching and called her fudge-packing brother for advice. That made a lot of sense. After all, who better to ask about asshole problems than your queer brother? Woops, did I say queer? I meant to say Homo-American. Anyway, Rita said her brother recommended I go see a gastroenterologist for a full evaluation.
“What?” I asked, “An ass-hole-enter what? That doesn’t even sound like a real doctor. It’s probably some kind of voodoo fag doctor.”
“No, you homophobic ignore-anus” came Rita’s cynical reply. “A gas-tro-enter-ologist, is a doctor that specializes in disorders of the digestive system. My brother is a well regarded general practitioner and if he says you should have a full evaluation of your intestinal track, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. It’s high time someone looks up your stupid ass to see what kind of problems you’ve got brewing up there.”
“Oh, really,” I said, mocking her sarcastic tone, “Since you insist I need to have my colon examined by a doctor, I guess you’re finally ready to admit you’ve been wrong about me all these years.” Rita’s perplexed expression indicated that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained. “You’re always saying that I have my head stuck up my ass.” Rita nodded in agreement. “Well,” I said with a smug smile, “if my head was really up my ass why would we need to hire a doctor to see what’s wrong… I could see it for myself.”
I thought that was hilarious, so I slapped my wife’s butt and did a little victory jig while laughing my head off. Rita wasn’t amused.
“Oh, you can’t take it when I get the upper hand.” I started to mock her. “You think you and that fairy brother of yours are so much smarter than me. Just ‘cause I don’t have a fancy college education don’t mean that I can’t tell when you’re trying to pull my leg. There is no such thing as an ass-hole-enter-whatever, So, go ahead and make an appointment with your made-up doctor. I dare you.” Rita just gave me an icy stare, smiled and walked away.
A week later we were sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him explain why I needed to have a colonoscopy. I told the doc I’ve never heard of a cola-ass-copy and had no idea what he was talking about. The doctor picked up a book with full color illustrations and used it to thoroughly explain the procedure. Pointing to the interior of the large intestine he indicated the areas that he wanted to examine and photograph.
Nodding thoughtfully, I pretended to understand what he was talking about and asked a question or two that was intended to display my advanced knowledge of medical terms. “Will you be using an x-ray camera or an MIR to photograph my inners?
The doctor smiled. “No, we use a flexible hose to guild a miniature camera through your anus and into the full length of your large intestine.” Then he showed me a picture of a little camera attached to a very long black hose.
Hell no! I said to myself. I won’t even let my family doctor check my prostate, so there was no way this joker was going to shove a big old hose up my ass. Looking around the office I spotted the door, popped up out of my seat and began to vigorously shake the doctor’s hand while I thank him profusely for wonderful presentation. The doctor seemed confused and tired to interrupt me several times but I just continued to pump his hand while backing up towards the door. My plan was working just fine and I actually got to openthe door open and had one foot over the threshold before my wife decided to intervene.
Now at this point I’d like to pause to give my male readers some advice. Never marry a stout, red headed woman of Italian-Irish descent. That combination gives them a split personality that makes Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Hulk look like a mild eccentricity. In public she tries to maintain the illusion that she is the devoted wife and I’m the boss in our relationship… but in reality she calls all the shots and only lets me do what she wants me to do.
In public she always agrees with me but she uses a code to let me know what she really wants. Whenever she smiles and says ‘Yes dear’ while putting the accent on the ‘yes’ but elongating the ‘dear,’ that means that if I even think about doing what I want, she’ll make my life a living hell. And let me tell you, when my wife says ‘living hell’ she’s not talking about Dante’s little cake walk through the seven levels of the fiery pit. She’s talking about providing me with my own personal apocalypse. Believe me, when it comes to pursuing a vengeful agenda, my wife puts Captain Ahab to shame.
In this case she was determined that I was going to have that colonoscopy, so she moved quickly to intercept me at the door. Putting her arm around me in a very loving way, she smiled at the doctor while she worked her hand under my coat and up to my neck. Putting me in her version of the Vulcan death grip, Rita paralyzed my body. When the doctor noticed that my expression suddenly went blank, he asked if there was something wrong. All I could do was move my head left to right as Rita manipulated the back of my neck. When he asked if he could schedule my procedure, I wanted to say hell no but I found myself nodding ‘yes.’ Then, when the doctor smiled and said goodbye, Rita squeezed the nerves in my neck so hard that my pained grimmest looked like I was smiling back.
By the time we left the doctor’s office, I was feeling dizzy. Leaning against Rita, we walked over to the discharge nurse who gave us the doctor’s instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘Koli-Kleen.’ The nurse said I was to drink two doses of Koli-kleen the night prior to the colonoscopy. What she didn’t tell us was that using that product was going to be, without doubt, the most gruesome part of the whole procedure.
I didn’t know it then but a week after my colonoscopy I did a google search and found that Koli-Kleen is sold in the United States as a prescription laxative, but it was originally developed during world war two by the Gestapo. The Germans called it Magen-buster and used it to get prisoners to voluntarily run into gas chambers they mislabeled “Latrines.” After the war, the Russians developed the formula into a WMD or Weapon of Mass Defecation. When the cold war ended, the KBG sold the formula to the CIA who used it in Guantanamo as an interrogation aid. It was reported that the CIA had a lot of success getting even the most resistant terrorist to literally spill their guts, but when the UN found it was being used on the prisoners, they banned its use as inhumane and a serious breach of the Geneva Convention.
Considering the nefarious history of this product, it was beyond my comprehension how any Pharmaceutical Company could get it approved by the FDA for sale to the American public. But then I saw the outrages price on the insurance company’s invoice and my question was answered.
I was totally ignorant of all that before the colonoscopy so I spent the week prior to the procedure nervously worrying about the ‘big fat hose’ and never gave a second thought to the hellish experience that awaited me on the night before.
When the time came for me to get ready, I read the instructions. Step one said that 12 hours prior to the colonoscopy I shouldn’t take any solid foods by mouth. That kind of confused me since taking solid foods by mouth was the only way I knew how to do that. Anyway, by supper time I was pretty hungry so the wife suggested I try some chicken broth. I love chicken soup but chicken broth was a big disappointment. It is nothing more than hot salty water with a little food coloring. The only chicken you’ll find in chicken broth is the word “chicken” printed on the box.
But I digress… the second step was to try and drink the first dose of Koli-Kleen. I say try because the stuff tastes like industrial grade toilet cleaner. The pharmacist recommended the lemon flavored product but I can tell you right now that the lemon flavoring in that noxious concoction does absolutely nothing to mask its totally disgusting taste. In fact, to this day I still can’t look at a lemon without getting the dry heaves.
The instructions warned that After drinking the first dose I might experience some gastric discomfort followed by a loose bowel movement. That was a gross understatement. What the instructions should have said was that after taking Koli-Kleen, my guts would heave, toss and turn like a small boat caught in a typhoon and that shortly thereafter, everything in my stomach would simultaneously attempt to abandon ship through the stern of my little brown boat.
Holy Crap, that stuff works fast. It may not be written on the box but I believe that one of Koli-Kleen’s chief ingredients is rocket fuel. I say that because when that stuff kicks in, your colon ignites and the full content of your alimentary canal is explosively jettisoned out of your ass with such force that, unless you hold on to the toilet seat, it’s possible that your body could be propelled into low earth orbit.
Needless to say, I spent the whole night sitting on the toilet and nervously waiting for the many intestinal eruptions that followed. Whenever I felt my gut begin to rumble I shut my eyes, held on to the toilet seat and did a short count-down as my rocket powered ass violently sprayed whatever was in my guts into the crapper.
This went on for hours until my intestines were totally empty and I had nothing more to give. By then it was time to drink the second round of Koli-Kleen, and to my absolute amazement, the process started all over again. I couldn’t believe it possible that there was anything left in me to expel, but apparently I was wrong.
My only explanation for this extraordinary phenomenon is that the second dose of Koli-Kleen must have the ability to tap into the spiritual realm, locate my long dead ancestors and channel the festering content of their ancient intestines through my flaming ass-hole and into the commode.
And that leads us to a subject that isn’t covered by the Koli-Kleen instructions. I’m talking about the smell. Oh my god the smell is incredible.
Let’s face it, you can’t flush out the rotting content of someone’s intestine without creating some serious atmospheric pollution. You’re probably going to think I’m exaggerating but things got so bad at my house, that I actually saw lines of staggering insects abandoning the residence. I also witness our house plants literally wither and die right before my eyes. Even the plastic plants keeled over. Rita could attested to all this but she barricaded herself in the guestroom, stuffed towels into the crack under the door, and refused to come out until it was time to go to the clinic.
Needless to say, by the end of the evening I was exhausted. All that running back and forth to the bathroom left my legs feeling like the rubbery limbs of a punch drunk boxer, and my asshole like the business end of a blow torch. That night, after pushing several ice cubes up my raw pucker, I finally passed out and slept like a very tired and dehydrated baby.
The next morning my wife got me up at what is known in military time as “oh five hundred hours.” The “oh” stands for; “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s still dark.” Anyway, when we arrived at the clinic we thought, since they wanted us there at the crack of dawn, that they intended to begin the procedure right away. We were wrong. Instead they had us filling out forms for hours. The frustrating part is that they had me answering questions I’ve already answered hundreds of times before. What the hell do they do with all that information? Obviously they don’t keep it or they wouldn’t need to ask the same dam questions over and over again.
When I was finished with the questioner the nurse brought in the consent form and asked me to sign. After looking it over I told her that I couldn’t possible sign it. She asked me why and I told her that just over the signature line there was a statement that said that I understood and agreed to all the terms, conditions and provisions stated therein. The document was twelve pages long and written in a Pig-Latin dialect of legalize that was so convoluted and incomprehensible that even my lawyer’s lawyer couldn’t have understood it.
The nurse looked at me and smiled. Then she told me I could take all the time I needed to read the consent forms and I didn’t have to sign them until I fully understood what I was signing. However, she quickly added that if I didn’t have the form signed within the next five minutes she would have to reschedule my procedure.
That’s all she had to say. It took me about five seconds to sign the release and hand it to her. There was no way I was going to reschedule the colonoscopy knowing full well that I would have to go through the same gut-draining pre-procedure I went through the night before. I think the clinic counts on that reaction and that’s why they ask you to sign the consent form after you’ve had the Koli-Kleen experience.
A half hour after I finished the paper work, a very fruity looking male nurse named Hector, came for me. He gave my wife a wink, put his hand on my shoulder and walked around me without taking his hand off my body. Then he asked her a question in a very swishy Spanish accent. “Is this jew hombre?” My wife nodded while trying to contain a very smug smile. Hector returned her smile and said, “Ay que Lindo.” And they both began to giggle as Hector put his hand through my arm and walked me down the clinic’s main corridor. “Don jew warry lindo,” he said as he snuggled up to me. “I will take berry good car of jew.”
Looking over my shoulder I made eye contact with my wife and with a sorrowful and plaintiff gaze I pleaded for her help, but Rita just smiled. It seemed to me that she was enjoying my predicament because all she did was hold up a box of Kolie-Kleen and gave me a looked that seemed to said… ‘are you sure you want to reschedule the procedure?
It was a long and uncomfortable walk to the prep-room, and when we got there Hector released my arm and handed me a plastic bag. He instructed me to go into a little room that had a curtain instead of a door. He asked me to take off all my clothes and put them in the bag. Then he handed me one of those hospital gowns. You know… the kind that is designed to strip you of all your dignity and make you feel more exposed and venerable then you’ve ever felt before.
After putting on the gown I noticed that my ass was hanging out of the back. Try as I might, I couldn’t stretch the cloth to cover my exposed behind. That’s when I saw Hector peeking through the curtains. The pervert was staring at my ass but when he saw me looking at him he smiled and asked if I was ready. Then he pushed a wheel chair into the room and with a big grin he patted the bench and told me to put my cute little tushie into the seat.
There was no way I was going to turn my bare bottom towards that flaming fruitcake so I just stood there looking at him. That’s when Hector decided to come around from behind the chair to help me get into the seat. It was more likely that he wanted to help himself into my seat, so as he approached, I clutched the back of my hospital gown and slowly backed away. Hector kept advancing and I kept retreating so we went around and around that wheelchair until I finally saw an opportunity to safely sit down.
The fruity nurse laughed, his very girly laugh, and called me a crazy gringo as he pushed my wheelchair into another room. There he tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm and tried to put an I.V. needle into the back of my hand. It only took him five tries, and while I would have normally fainted after the second attempt, there was no way I was going to allow myself to pass out while I was alone in the room with him. This was especially true after he started talking about the procedure. With a faraway and dreamy look in his eyes, he described the length and girth of the hose the doctor would be using… and then he said, “El doc-tor wheel e’put it in jew ass nice and e’slow. He wheel go in deeper and deeper. Ay bandito, It’z so beautiful I juice want to e’cry every time I thing about it.”
If I had any doubt about Hector’s sexual orientation, after listening to him describe the procedure, all my doubts were gone. Hector was what I called a real Granola Bar; flaky, fruity and nuts.
“listen up, Hector.” I said with my most manly voice. “There is no way that I am going to have sex with you.”
“What?” Hector said with a genuine look of surprise. Giving me a very stern look and with a very indignant voice he continued. “Is dat what jew ting? Will jew are so rung. Having sex wit jew is da last ting on my mine. DA LAST TING! No senor. First jew will half to ax me to dinner, and den to a show and den after dat….”
“Read my lips Hector… No Way!!!”
Hector looked disappointed so he changed the subject and asked me if I had taken the Koli-Kleen as proscribed. My revolted expression and the cold shiver that ran up and down my spine leaving my puckered face quivering with a look of pure disgust, told him all he needed to know.
“O’ I si, no juan e’toll jew?” The blank expression on my face let him know I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so he went on. “Jew can e’take un poco de Tequila before jew drink that sheet. Dat e’helps it e’go down mucho more ezy.”
As soon as I figured out what he was trying to say, a light bulb went on over my head. What a great idea. I had a fully stocked bar at home and would have gladly downed a bottle of good Iris whisky if I had known it was okay to drink before taking that Koli-Krap. But then I started to imagine myself drunk and stumbling around the house, squirting and dripping all over the rug and the furniture. There was no way Rita would have cleaned up after me, and knowing her, she probably would have had no alternative but to shot me, torch the house for the insurance money and move down to Florida.
As Hector wheeled me into the procedure room I looked around nervously and saw the doctor and anesthesiologist standing there, but no sign of the dreaded “Big fat hose.” No doubt they planed on bringing it in after I was asleep. That sounded like such a waste of Anastasia. Not because I was so brave that I didn’t need it, but because all they would have had to do was to show me that “big fat hose” and I would have passed out on my own.
Before putting me under, the doctor had me roll over on my side, pull up my knees and count backward from a hundred. As I started to count I heard someone, standing behind me and singing with a swishy Spanish accent. To my great horror I realized it was Hector. He was standing behind me while he sang ”I fee pretty” from ‘West Side Story.’ Oh my god, that raving queen was going to be in the room while I was laying there unconscious and my naked butt exposed.
With my last once of strength I looked up at the doctor and with pleading eyes begged him. “Please shot me now before I pass out from the anesthesia,” but no such luck. The room went dark and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, still feeling high from the drugs they gave me.
The first thing I saw was my doctor’s smiling face. He looked down at me and asked how I felt. I told him I felt great except for a little discomfort around that place where the sun never shines. That reminded me of my last thoughts before going under so I reached up, grasped my doctor by the collar and pulling his face down close to mine. In an almost threatening tone I asked him, “Did you leave me alone with Hector at any time during the procedure?” The doctor looked puzzled but he assured me that he hadn’t. When I let him go the doctor said he had good news. My colon was fine and there was no evidence of any malignancy.
“Thanks doc,” I said. Then I asked him to do me a favor. “Please tell my wife…”
“I’ve already given her the good news.” The doctor interrupted.
“No, not that.” I said, as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down close to my face again. “I want you to let her know that you’ve performed a very thorough inspection of my entire intestinal track and looked into every nook and cranny of my colon… Got that?” The doctor nodded that he did. “Okay, then I want you to tell her that you’ve found absolutely no evidence that I’ve ever had my head up my ass.”
THE END
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MY COLONOSCOPY (Humor)

Dedicated to fellow writer Clarise.
Dear reader; this non-erotic short story is my first attempt at writing humor. If you want a little chuckle read on and then leave a comment to let me know what you think of my effort. If you are looking for something a little more sexually salacious, you might want to look at another offering and then come back when you are in the mood for humor.
In support and in solidarity, I dedicate this story to my friend and fellow writer, Clarise, who recently had one of her stories deleted. My Colonoscopy:
by Hardrive
After several weeks of complaining about stomach discomfort and constipation, my wife Rita got tired of my belly aching and called her fudge-packing brother for advice. That made a lot of sense. After all, who better to ask about asshole problems than your queer brother? Woops, did I say queer? I meant to say Homo-American. Anyway, Rita said her brother recommended I go see a gastroenterologist for a full evaluation.
“What?” I asked, “An ass-hole-enter what? That doesn’t even sound like a real doctor. It’s probably some kind of voodoo fag doctor.”
“No, you homophobic ignore-anus” came Rita’s cynical reply. “A gas-tro-enter-ologist, is a doctor that specializes in disorders of the digestive system. My brother is a well regarded general practitioner and if he says you should have a full evaluation of your intestinal track, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. It’s high time someone looks up your stupid ass to see what kind of problems you’ve got brewing up there.”
“Oh, really,” I said, mocking her sarcastic tone, “Since you insist I need to have my colon examined by a doctor, I guess you’re finally ready to admit you’ve been wrong about me all these years.” Rita’s perplexed expression indicated that she had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained. “You’re always saying that I have my head stuck up my ass.” Rita nodded in agreement. “Well,” I said with a smug smile, “if my head was really up my ass why would we need to hire a doctor to see what’s wrong… I could see it for myself.”
I thought that was hilarious, so I slapped my wife’s butt and did a little victory jig while laughing my head off. Rita wasn’t amused.
“Oh, you can’t take it when I get the upper hand.” I started to mock her. “You think you and that fairy brother of yours are so much smarter than me. Just ‘cause I don’t have a fancy college education don’t mean that I can’t tell when you’re trying to pull my leg. There is no such thing as an ass-hole-enter-whatever, So, go ahead and make an appointment with your made-up doctor. I dare you.” Rita just gave me an icy stare, smiled and walked away.
A week later we were sitting at the doctor’s office listening to him explain why I needed to have a colonoscopy. I told the doc I’ve never heard of a cola-ass-copy and had no idea what he was talking about. The doctor picked up a book with full color illustrations and used it to thoroughly explain the procedure. Pointing to the interior of the large intestine he indicated the areas that he wanted to examine and photograph.
Nodding thoughtfully, I pretended to understand what he was talking about and asked a question or two that was intended to display my advanced knowledge of medical terms. “Will you be using an x-ray camera or an MIR to photograph my inners?
The doctor smiled. “No, we use a flexible hose to guild a miniature camera through your anus and into the full length of your large intestine.” Then he showed me a picture of a little camera attached to a very long black hose.
Hell no! I said to myself. I won’t even let my family doctor check my prostate, so there was no way this joker was going to shove a big old hose up my ass. Looking around the office I spotted the door, popped up out of my seat and began to vigorously shake the doctor’s hand while I thank him profusely for wonderful presentation. The doctor seemed confused and tired to interrupt me several times but I just continued to pump his hand while backing up towards the door. My plan was working just fine and I actually got to openthe door open and had one foot over the threshold before my wife decided to intervene.
Now at this point I’d like to pause to give my male readers some advice. Never marry a stout, red headed woman of Italian-Irish descent. That combination gives them a split personality that makes Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Hulk look like a mild eccentricity. In public she tries to maintain the illusion that she is the devoted wife and I’m the boss in our relationship… but in reality she calls all the shots and only lets me do what she wants me to do.
In public she always agrees with me but she uses a code to let me know what she really wants. Whenever she smiles and says ‘Yes dear’ while putting the accent on the ‘yes’ but elongating the ‘dear,’ that means that if I even think about doing what I want, she’ll make my life a living hell. And let me tell you, when my wife says ‘living hell’ she’s not talking about Dante’s little cake walk through the seven levels of the fiery pit. She’s talking about providing me with my own personal apocalypse. Believe me, when it comes to pursuing a vengeful agenda, my wife puts Captain Ahab to shame.
In this case she was determined that I was going to have that colonoscopy, so she moved quickly to intercept me at the door. Putting her arm around me in a very loving way, she smiled at the doctor while she worked her hand under my coat and up to my neck. Putting me in her version of the Vulcan death grip, Rita paralyzed my body. When the doctor noticed that my expression suddenly went blank, he asked if there was something wrong. All I could do was move my head left to right as Rita manipulated the back of my neck. When he asked if he could schedule my procedure, I wanted to say hell no but I found myself nodding ‘yes.’ Then, when the doctor smiled and said goodbye, Rita squeezed the nerves in my neck so hard that my pained grimmest looked like I was smiling back.
By the time we left the doctor’s office, I was feeling dizzy. Leaning against Rita, we walked over to the discharge nurse who gave us the doctor’s instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘Koli-Kleen.’ The nurse said I was to drink two doses of Koli-kleen the night prior to the colonoscopy. What she didn’t tell us was that using that product was going to be, without doubt, the most gruesome part of the whole procedure.
I didn’t know it then but a week after my colonoscopy I did a google search and found that Koli-Kleen is sold in the United States as a prescription laxative, but it was originally developed during world war two by the Gestapo. The Germans called it Magen-buster and used it to get prisoners to voluntarily run into gas chambers they mislabeled “Latrines.” After the war, the Russians developed the formula into a WMD or Weapon of Mass Defecation. When the cold war ended, the KBG sold the formula to the CIA who used it in Guantanamo as an interrogation aid. It was reported that the CIA had a lot of success getting even the most resistant terrorist to literally spill their guts, but when the UN found it was being used on the prisoners, they banned its use as inhumane and a serious breach of the Geneva Convention.
Considering the nefarious history of this product, it was beyond my comprehension how any Pharmaceutical Company could get it approved by the FDA for sale to the American public. But then I saw the outrages price on the insurance company’s invoice and my question was answered.
I was totally ignorant of all that before the colonoscopy so I spent the week prior to the procedure nervously worrying about the ‘big fat hose’ and never gave a second thought to the hellish experience that awaited me on the night before.
When the time came for me to get ready, I read the instructions. Step one said that 12 hours prior to the colonoscopy I shouldn’t take any solid foods by mouth. That kind of confused me since taking solid foods by mouth was the only way I knew how to do that. Anyway, by supper time I was pretty hungry so the wife suggested I try some chicken broth. I love chicken soup but chicken broth was a big disappointment. It is nothing more than hot salty water with a little food coloring. The only chicken you’ll find in chicken broth is the word “chicken” printed on the box.
But I digress… the second step was to try and drink the first dose of Koli-Kleen. I say try because the stuff tastes like industrial grade toilet cleaner. The pharmacist recommended the lemon flavored product but I can tell you right now that the lemon flavoring in that noxious concoction does absolutely nothing to mask its totally disgusting taste. In fact, to this day I still can’t look at a lemon without getting the dry heaves.
The instructions warned that After drinking the first dose I might experience some gastric discomfort followed by a loose bowel movement. That was a gross understatement. What the instructions should have said was that after taking Koli-Kleen, my guts would heave, toss and turn like a small boat caught in a typhoon and that shortly thereafter, everything in my stomach would simultaneously attempt to abandon ship through the stern of my little brown boat.
Holy Crap, that stuff works fast. It may not be written on the box but I believe that one of Koli-Kleen’s chief ingredients is rocket fuel. I say that because when that stuff kicks in, your colon ignites and the full content of your alimentary canal is explosively jettisoned out of your ass with such force that, unless you hold on to the toilet seat, it’s possible that your body could be propelled into low earth orbit.
Needless to say, I spent the whole night sitting on the toilet and nervously waiting for the many intestinal eruptions that followed. Whenever I felt my gut begin to rumble I shut my eyes, held on to the toilet seat and did a short count-down as my rocket powered ass violently sprayed whatever was in my guts into the crapper.
This went on for hours until my intestines were totally empty and I had nothing more to give. By then it was time to drink the second round of Koli-Kleen, and to my absolute amazement, the process started all over again. I couldn’t believe it possible that there was anything left in me to expel, but apparently I was wrong.
My only explanation for this extraordinary phenomenon is that the second dose of Koli-Kleen must have the ability to tap into the spiritual realm, locate my long dead ancestors and channel the festering content of their ancient intestines through my flaming ass-hole and into the commode.
And that leads us to a subject that isn’t covered by the Koli-Kleen instructions. I’m talking about the smell. Oh my god the smell is incredible.
Let’s face it, you can’t flush out the rotting content of someone’s intestine without creating some serious atmospheric pollution. You’re probably going to think I’m exaggerating but things got so bad at my house, that I actually saw lines of staggering insects abandoning the residence. I also witness our house plants literally wither and die right before my eyes. Even the plastic plants keeled over. Rita could attested to all this but she barricaded herself in the guestroom, stuffed towels into the crack under the door, and refused to come out until it was time to go to the clinic.
Needless to say, by the end of the evening I was exhausted. All that running back and forth to the bathroom left my legs feeling like the rubbery limbs of a punch drunk boxer, and my asshole like the business end of a blow torch. That night, after pushing several ice cubes up my raw pucker, I finally passed out and slept like a very tired and dehydrated baby.
The next morning my wife got me up at what is known in military time as “oh five hundred hours.” The “oh” stands for; “Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s still dark.” Anyway, when we arrived at the clinic we thought, since they wanted us there at the crack of dawn, that they intended to begin the procedure right away. We were wrong. Instead they had us filling out forms for hours. The frustrating part is that they had me answering questions I’ve already answered hundreds of times before. What the hell do they do with all that information? Obviously they don’t keep it or they wouldn’t need to ask the same dam questions over and over again.
When I was finished with the questioner the nurse brought in the consent form and asked me to sign. After looking it over I told her that I couldn’t possible sign it. She asked me why and I told her that just over the signature line there was a statement that said that I understood and agreed to all the terms, conditions and provisions stated therein. The document was twelve pages long and written in a Pig-Latin dialect of legalize that was so convoluted and incomprehensible that even my lawyer’s lawyer couldn’t have understood it.
The nurse looked at me and smiled. Then she told me I could take all the time I needed to read the consent forms and I didn’t have to sign them until I fully understood what I was signing. However, she quickly added that if I didn’t have the form signed within the next five minutes she would have to reschedule my procedure.
That’s all she had to say. It took me about five seconds to sign the release and hand it to her. There was no way I was going to reschedule the colonoscopy knowing full well that I would have to go through the same gut-draining pre-procedure I went through the night before. I think the clinic counts on that reaction and that’s why they ask you to sign the consent form after you’ve had the Koli-Kleen experience.
A half hour after I finished the paper work, a very fruity looking male nurse named Hector, came for me. He gave my wife a wink, put his hand on my shoulder and walked around me without taking his hand off my body. Then he asked her a question in a very swishy Spanish accent. “Is this jew hombre?” My wife nodded while trying to contain a very smug smile. Hector returned her smile and said, “Ay que Lindo.” And they both began to giggle as Hector put his hand through my arm and walked me down the clinic’s main corridor. “Don jew warry lindo,” he said as he snuggled up to me. “I will take berry good car of jew.”
Looking over my shoulder I made eye contact with my wife and with a sorrowful and plaintiff gaze I pleaded for her help, but Rita just smiled. It seemed to me that she was enjoying my predicament because all she did was hold up a box of Kolie-Kleen and gave me a looked that seemed to said… ‘are you sure you want to reschedule the procedure?
It was a long and uncomfortable walk to the prep-room, and when we got there Hector released my arm and handed me a plastic bag. He instructed me to go into a little room that had a curtain instead of a door. He asked me to take off all my clothes and put them in the bag. Then he handed me one of those hospital gowns. You know… the kind that is designed to strip you of all your dignity and make you feel more exposed and venerable then you’ve ever felt before.
After putting on the gown I noticed that my ass was hanging out of the back. Try as I might, I couldn’t stretch the cloth to cover my exposed behind. That’s when I saw Hector peeking through the curtains. The pervert was staring at my ass but when he saw me looking at him he smiled and asked if I was ready. Then he pushed a wheel chair into the room and with a big grin he patted the bench and told me to put my cute little tushie into the seat.
There was no way I was going to turn my bare bottom towards that flaming fruitcake so I just stood there looking at him. That’s when Hector decided to come around from behind the chair to help me get into the seat. It was more likely that he wanted to help himself into my seat, so as he approached, I clutched the back of my hospital gown and slowly backed away. Hector kept advancing and I kept retreating so we went around and around that wheelchair until I finally saw an opportunity to safely sit down.
The fruity nurse laughed, his very girly laugh, and called me a crazy gringo as he pushed my wheelchair into another room. There he tied a rubber tourniquet around my arm and tried to put an I.V. needle into the back of my hand. It only took him five tries, and while I would have normally fainted after the second attempt, there was no way I was going to allow myself to pass out while I was alone in the room with him. This was especially true after he started talking about the procedure. With a faraway and dreamy look in his eyes, he described the length and girth of the hose the doctor would be using… and then he said, “El doc-tor wheel e’put it in jew ass nice and e’slow. He wheel go in deeper and deeper. Ay bandito, It’z so beautiful I juice want to e’cry every time I thing about it.”
If I had any doubt about Hector’s sexual orientation, after listening to him describe the procedure, all my doubts were gone. Hector was what I called a real Granola Bar; flaky, fruity and nuts.
“listen up, Hector.” I said with my most manly voice. “There is no way that I am going to have sex with you.”
“What?” Hector said with a genuine look of surprise. Giving me a very stern look and with a very indignant voice he continued. “Is dat what jew ting? Will jew are so rung. Having sex wit jew is da last ting on my mine. DA LAST TING! No senor. First jew will half to ax me to dinner, and den to a show and den after dat….”
“Read my lips Hector… No Way!!!”
Hector looked disappointed so he changed the subject and asked me if I had taken the Koli-Kleen as proscribed. My revolted expression and the cold shiver that ran up and down my spine leaving my puckered face quivering with a look of pure disgust, told him all he needed to know.
“O’ I si, no juan e’toll jew?” The blank expression on my face let him know I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, so he went on. “Jew can e’take un poco de Tequila before jew drink that sheet. Dat e’helps it e’go down mucho more ezy.”
As soon as I figured out what he was trying to say, a light bulb went on over my head. What a great idea. I had a fully stocked bar at home and would have gladly downed a bottle of good Iris whisky if I had known it was okay to drink before taking that Koli-Krap. But then I started to imagine myself drunk and stumbling around the house, squirting and dripping all over the rug and the furniture. There was no way Rita would have cleaned up after me, and knowing her, she probably would have had no alternative but to shot me, torch the house for the insurance money and move down to Florida.
As Hector wheeled me into the procedure room I looked around nervously and saw the doctor and anesthesiologist standing there, but no sign of the dreaded “Big fat hose.” No doubt they planed on bringing it in after I was asleep. That sounded like such a waste of Anastasia. Not because I was so brave that I didn’t need it, but because all they would have had to do was to show me that “big fat hose” and I would have passed out on my own.
Before putting me under, the doctor had me roll over on my side, pull up my knees and count backward from a hundred. As I started to count I heard someone, standing behind me and singing with a swishy Spanish accent. To my great horror I realized it was Hector. He was standing behind me while he sang ”I fee pretty” from ‘West Side Story.’ Oh my god, that raving queen was going to be in the room while I was laying there unconscious and my naked butt exposed.
With my last once of strength I looked up at the doctor and with pleading eyes begged him. “Please shot me now before I pass out from the anesthesia,” but no such luck. The room went dark and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room, still feeling high from the drugs they gave me.
The first thing I saw was my doctor’s smiling face. He looked down at me and asked how I felt. I told him I felt great except for a little discomfort around that place where the sun never shines. That reminded me of my last thoughts before going under so I reached up, grasped my doctor by the collar and pulling his face down close to mine. In an almost threatening tone I asked him, “Did you leave me alone with Hector at any time during the procedure?” The doctor looked puzzled but he assured me that he hadn’t. When I let him go the doctor said he had good news. My colon was fine and there was no evidence of any malignancy.
“Thanks doc,” I said. Then I asked him to do me a favor. “Please tell my wife…”
“I’ve already given her the good news.” The doctor interrupted.
“No, not that.” I said, as I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him down close to my face again. “I want you to let her know that you’ve performed a very thorough inspection of my entire intestinal track and looked into every nook and cranny of my colon… Got that?” The doctor nodded that he did. “Okay, then I want you to tell her that you’ve found absolutely no evidence that I’ve ever had my head up my ass.”
THE END
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Mom’s Horney Pills

Mom’s Horny Pills r
My mom Megan, felt she was not performing in bed very well. She didn’t get dad, who was way older, turned on anymore. She didn’t want dad to stray to another woman so she went to the Doctor.
This was a new Doctor, and he was a young guy which she felt may be better suited for her problem. She told him she wanted to turn her husband on and be hotter in bed for him.
Mom had a killer hot body. She had beautiful smooth skin, big tits, perfect hips and legs.
This Doctor saw opportunity to take advantage of her. He gave her a pelvic exam and massaged her G spot, her clit and then masturbated her. He said everything worked, but she just needed ‘sex lessons’. She like his ‘treatment’ and he had made her very sexually excited. She wanted to go back once a week for his ’special’ treatment. He continued masturbating her each week and showed her things that stimulated her sexually. She liked this even more. ‘Sex lessons‘, she called it.
He would always give her a ‘special pill’ at the start of the appointment and then he started showing her about kissing and feeling her body. She kept his ‘treatment’ very secret, but loved him turning her on each week. After he got her very hot, then he would always masturbated her on the table. She was loving all this and found she was having urges to have sex with him. “Show me more, Doctor.” she would say to him. He would say: “Ok”, and then go further each time.
He would unhook her bra and feel her tits. He started kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Next he would lift up her patient gown, and began to kiss her pussy. He licked it and sucked on her clit as she bucked her hips with delight. He had her feel his boner and then suck on it all in the name of ’sex lessons’. One appointment he was masturbating her while she sucked on his boner. She blurted out to put his boner in her and show her how to fuck real good.
He said: “No, I can’t do that. You’ll have to find someone else to do that.”
She said: “But my husband won’t even talk about sex. He just has sex with me for about two minutes and then he’s done. That’s the end of our sex life. I try to turn him on, but I guess I need practice.
After the session, she thought as she drove home….’I know, I’ll ask Johnny to help me.’
That’s when she thought of me, Johnny, her son. Not knowing all this yet, I was 16 and I loved my mom’s hot body and I fantasized about fucking her many times.
That next day, it started. Mom came in my room after dad had left for work. She had on a see through night gown. I could see her big red bra, and red panties thru her white night gown. I was still in bed and she sat down beside me to have a talk with me. She explained her problem and wanted to ’just practice’ turning me on.
I didn’t know what to say at first, but finally the idea sound pretty hot to me and I said ’ok’ …’just for practice’, I’ll do it. The idea sounded hotter and hotter the more I thought about it. I was to tell her ’if’ and ’how much’ she was turning me on. I said ’ok’. She said first she had to go take a pill.
She came back about 20 minutes later. I lay in bed anxiously waiting. She whispered: (“…watch this.”) She began to slowly take her bra shoulder straps down while she still had her night gown on. Damn, she was going to do a strip for me right now.
She looked hot as she took down the shoulder straps and wiggled her arms out of them. She dropped the top of her night gown down to just below her bra. She turned around and sat with her back to me. She asked me to unhook her bra. She reached back and guided my hands to the hooks. When I unhooked it, she guided my hands under her loose bra around to her front and now my hands were full of both of her hot tits. She said: “If you feel ’turned on’, go ahead and feel them all you want.”
I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. Mom had nice full tits, so I proceeded to feel them. She and I were breathing hard as I felt them and her hard nipples. I had never seen her sexually excited, and it was exciting me. Those ‘special’ pills were making her horny, no doubt about it.
She was using me to test out her sex appeal. She became like a hungry animal as she got aggressive with me. She turned, pushed me back on my bed. She jerked her bra out and, opened up her night gown and laid on top of me. Her big tits were bare against my chest. She put her head down by my ear and began to….well…I’d call it ..’moaning talk’. Her voice was soft, sexy and she kinda whispered. She moaned as she talked with little ’oooo’s’. She was breathing hard and her pussy was resting right on my dick. She asked me: “ …feel my body …Johnny.”
I closed my eyes and put my hands under her night gown. Her skin was very warm as she squirmed on top of me. I felt the sides of her tits and down to her ass. She got kinda hyper and her hands were all over me. She was breathing heavy in my ear. She was feeling me up and kissed my neck. She did some more moaning talk….
“….oh baby, you’d like to have sex with me, wouldn’t you Johnny. You want me bad, don’t you. I want you to want me, tell me how much I turn you on and you want me bad….tell me…say it…”
I was in shock as I have never seen my mom act this way. I told her how I felt. “Mom, you’re the hottest mom ever. You turn me on perfect….I’m getting a boner…and… “
She was rubbing her pussy on my boner now. “YES!…go on!” she said. I was in shock at her actions. She acted like she was going to rape me or something. I said: “Yes, you turn me on a lot and yes, I’d like to have sex with you.”
That was just the first morning. The next morning as soon at dad’s car left, here she came again. She had already taken her pill. She came in with a new pink nightie that left her half naked. A tiny top barely covering her ’no bra’ tits, and tiny little panties. She spun around for me to admire it, and her. She laid on top of me again and started that moan talk again. “You liked that, mmmmm, didn’t you Johnny. I can feel your erection under me.
I need your help.
I need to be masturbated bad. I’ll show you what to do.
My mind was going crazy. Fantasizing about my mom was one thing…but… actually doing something, that was something entirely different. She didn’t wait for my answer and laid us on our sides. She took off her nightie and little panties. She took my hand and put it on her wet pussy. My dick went to max hard instantly. Next thing I knew, she had three of my fingers in her wet pussy. She had her legs wide open and used both her hands to push and work my fingers in and out of her pussy. She had me massage her big clit with my other hand.
This was crazy, but I was loving it. She whispered for me to feel around for a certain area called her ‘good’ spot. She instructed me and I went right to it.
I was fingering my mom and liking it. She began to moan and held my wrist tight with both hands. She use my fingers as a dick in her. I was masturbating my own mom.
“That’s it Johnny…that’s it baby…oooo….you got it….this turns you on, doesn’t it. You wish it was your boner in me, don’t you…you can say it, tell me how bad you want to have sex with me…..say it.”
I told her what she wanted to hear.
I got to listen and watch my own mom orgasm with my fingers in her warm wet pussy.
I shot a load in my pajama bottoms.
————-
I had fucked several girls at my age and ate pussy too. This was changing everything. All I could think about was my mom and how hot she was making me. I had wonderful wet dreams about fucking her, eating her warm pussy and her giving me wonderful blow jobs. All these things I hoped….were headed in that direction for real.
Each morning got hotter. When I didn’t think it could get any better.
I waited for mom to come to my room. She would spot my boner and smile. “Already turning you on, am I?” she would say. She would do her sexy tease dance, and watch my eyes get excited.
This morning she told me she wanted to turn me on a new way. She took off my pajama bottoms and started feeling my hard dick. She slowly jacked me and then leaned over and started sucking on my boner.
I went into shock.
She said: “You let me know how I’m doing Johnny, ok?” She got naked and turned herself to go 69. Her wet pussy was staring me in the face. She reached down and pulled my head into her pussy as she began sucking on my dick. She lifted one leg. Opening her pussy wide. How could I resist. She pulled my head into her pussy. “Is that a turn on Johnny?….put your fingers in me like I taught you.” she said. I went for her ’good’ spot and listened as she moaned.
She teased my boner with her tongue. I would just about cum, and she would pull off and do something else. She began to push her clit to my lips and started humping my face. I couldn’t hold off cuming any longer. She seemed to know it and put my dick all the way in her mouth.
I exploded my cum in her mouth. She moaned a victory moan and then held my head and face fucked my tongue hard. She orgasmed a big one. My dick just kept pumping cum in her mouth as she rubbed my face on her pussy and shook hard. I got dizzy it felt so good. Finally she said: “Wow, I must have really turned you on Johnny!….that was fantastic!”
I didn’t have any cum on me, she had licked it all off and swallowed it all.
Sex with mom was the best ever. She wants to be desired, and now I’m going to make her squirm with desire for me. I now dream of fucking her all the time. She got me so hot for her, it’s time to turn her on, like she does me.
After our showers, I had time until dad gets home. She wasn’t expecting me to start turning her on. She wore her robe most of today. I knew she had nothing on under it, but I sure knew what was under it. She had such a smooth hot body. Such nice tits and sexy legs. I found her in the laundry room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her. She sighed big and leaned her head back on me. I whispered: (“..mom, you shouldn’t wear this sexy robe around the house, a guy could come up behind you and molest you. I know you wouldn’t want that. He might just want you so bad he’d feel your tits
( I reached in her robe and felt her nice tits.), feel your ass, ( ran my hand over her naked ass) and reach thru your robe and feel your warm pussy. (I felt her pubic hair and ran a finger down her damp slit.) She was gasping for air now. She moaned out between breaths : “Oh…thank you…. Johnny…..I…never thought about that…will you protect me from a guy…. who wants me so bad, he would put his… hands on my body…and make me all hot…and horny…you know how….I might not want that…..”
Megan thought…. Oh my god…I’m so elated at Johnny’s lust for me.
It was suppose to be a test to see if I could still turn a man on. I didn’t think about his reaction to my turning him on.
That tells me it’s dad, and not me.
I haven’t been turned on by a guy in a very long time. I want a lot more of this from Johnny. His hands have got me so horny, I’m dizzy. He’s making me want to have sex with him so bad. I don’t have the will power to stop this. Keep going Johnny…just keep going….
Johnny’s thoughts….Her little test showed she can really turn on a guy. I don’t know what dad’s problem is but I want to have total sex with mom. We both want it, and it’s going to happen.
I started feeling her body all over from behind her. I slowly took off her robe, I let her robe drop to the floor. She was shaking, waiting for my next move. I lowered my shorts. My boner was sticking between her legs. She moaned and back up tight to me. She spread her legs apart and leaned down on the washer. My boner went in her wet pussy by itself.
I held her smooth hips and started our first fuck. Her pussy was wet and warm as my dick slid in all the way. She began to moan and fucking back on me.
Megan thought… Oh damn Johnny, you feel so good in me, fuck me like I’ve wanted for so long now. I’ve never been fucked from behind before. I’ve got a thousand new hot feelings….oooo fuck me hard and make me climax hard…I need it…I need it bad…cum in me baby…I want to feel you shoot it in me…Oh god it’s happening…..oh baby yes….
Johnny’s reaction…My boner fits in her so hot, I’m going to hold her tits when I cum…I have to cum now…ooooo damn….
She fucked back on my boner so fast, her ass was a blur. She was moaning so loud, as our bodies were slapping together…. she made me cum extra hard. I jerked and shoved my cum in her deep, over and over. My mind went crazy and my legs got weak. She could somehow squeeze her pussy on my boner. It felt out of this world.
She held onto my hands on her tits and just kept fucking and fucking as she kept moaning wonderful sounds. Damn my boner felt hot in her. We squirmed and gasp in euphoria. Her body and mine shook and twitched as it felt so damn good.
There is nothing like the first time…….
Megan….
I’m shaking inside so bad with best climax I’ve ever had. My whole body climaxed, not just my pussy. The feel of his hot cum shooting in me made me go crazy with pleasure. He’s mine…all mine. He better get ready to have a lot of sex with me….I’ve found what has been missing in my sex life. Mmmmm just leave it to me Johnny and cum some more baby…oh…that feels so damn good…mmmmmm…
—————
Johnny reflects…
Mom’s little horny pills opened the door for us. Now she doesn’t take them.
She tells me that ‘I’m’ her little horny pill now.
I think we’ve fucked in every room in the house now, even on the kitchen table and in dad‘s chair.
She fucks like a 16 year old,…only…
…. a whole lot better….
—————

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Mom’s Horney Pills

Mom’s Horny Pills r
My mom Megan, felt she was not performing in bed very well. She didn’t get dad, who was way older, turned on anymore. She didn’t want dad to stray to another woman so she went to the Doctor.
This was a new Doctor, and he was a young guy which she felt may be better suited for her problem. She told him she wanted to turn her husband on and be hotter in bed for him.
Mom had a killer hot body. She had beautiful smooth skin, big tits, perfect hips and legs.
This Doctor saw opportunity to take advantage of her. He gave her a pelvic exam and massaged her G spot, her clit and then masturbated her. He said everything worked, but she just needed ‘sex lessons’. She like his ‘treatment’ and he had made her very sexually excited. She wanted to go back once a week for his ’special’ treatment. He continued masturbating her each week and showed her things that stimulated her sexually. She liked this even more. ‘Sex lessons‘, she called it.
He would always give her a ‘special pill’ at the start of the appointment and then he started showing her about kissing and feeling her body. She kept his ‘treatment’ very secret, but loved him turning her on each week. After he got her very hot, then he would always masturbated her on the table. She was loving all this and found she was having urges to have sex with him. “Show me more, Doctor.” she would say to him. He would say: “Ok”, and then go further each time.
He would unhook her bra and feel her tits. He started kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Next he would lift up her patient gown, and began to kiss her pussy. He licked it and sucked on her clit as she bucked her hips with delight. He had her feel his boner and then suck on it all in the name of ’sex lessons’. One appointment he was masturbating her while she sucked on his boner. She blurted out to put his boner in her and show her how to fuck real good.
He said: “No, I can’t do that. You’ll have to find someone else to do that.”
She said: “But my husband won’t even talk about sex. He just has sex with me for about two minutes and then he’s done. That’s the end of our sex life. I try to turn him on, but I guess I need practice.
After the session, she thought as she drove home….’I know, I’ll ask Johnny to help me.’
That’s when she thought of me, Johnny, her son. Not knowing all this yet, I was 16 and I loved my mom’s hot body and I fantasized about fucking her many times.
That next day, it started. Mom came in my room after dad had left for work. She had on a see through night gown. I could see her big red bra, and red panties thru her white night gown. I was still in bed and she sat down beside me to have a talk with me. She explained her problem and wanted to ’just practice’ turning me on.
I didn’t know what to say at first, but finally the idea sound pretty hot to me and I said ’ok’ …’just for practice’, I’ll do it. The idea sounded hotter and hotter the more I thought about it. I was to tell her ’if’ and ’how much’ she was turning me on. I said ’ok’. She said first she had to go take a pill.
She came back about 20 minutes later. I lay in bed anxiously waiting. She whispered: (“…watch this.”) She began to slowly take her bra shoulder straps down while she still had her night gown on. Damn, she was going to do a strip for me right now.
She looked hot as she took down the shoulder straps and wiggled her arms out of them. She dropped the top of her night gown down to just below her bra. She turned around and sat with her back to me. She asked me to unhook her bra. She reached back and guided my hands to the hooks. When I unhooked it, she guided my hands under her loose bra around to her front and now my hands were full of both of her hot tits. She said: “If you feel ’turned on’, go ahead and feel them all you want.”
I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. Mom had nice full tits, so I proceeded to feel them. She and I were breathing hard as I felt them and her hard nipples. I had never seen her sexually excited, and it was exciting me. Those ‘special’ pills were making her horny, no doubt about it.
She was using me to test out her sex appeal. She became like a hungry animal as she got aggressive with me. She turned, pushed me back on my bed. She jerked her bra out and, opened up her night gown and laid on top of me. Her big tits were bare against my chest. She put her head down by my ear and began to….well…I’d call it ..’moaning talk’. Her voice was soft, sexy and she kinda whispered. She moaned as she talked with little ’oooo’s’. She was breathing hard and her pussy was resting right on my dick. She asked me: “ …feel my body …Johnny.”
I closed my eyes and put my hands under her night gown. Her skin was very warm as she squirmed on top of me. I felt the sides of her tits and down to her ass. She got kinda hyper and her hands were all over me. She was breathing heavy in my ear. She was feeling me up and kissed my neck. She did some more moaning talk….
“….oh baby, you’d like to have sex with me, wouldn’t you Johnny. You want me bad, don’t you. I want you to want me, tell me how much I turn you on and you want me bad….tell me…say it…”
I was in shock as I have never seen my mom act this way. I told her how I felt. “Mom, you’re the hottest mom ever. You turn me on perfect….I’m getting a boner…and… “
She was rubbing her pussy on my boner now. “YES!…go on!” she said. I was in shock at her actions. She acted like she was going to rape me or something. I said: “Yes, you turn me on a lot and yes, I’d like to have sex with you.”
That was just the first morning. The next morning as soon at dad’s car left, here she came again. She had already taken her pill. She came in with a new pink nightie that left her half naked. A tiny top barely covering her ’no bra’ tits, and tiny little panties. She spun around for me to admire it, and her. She laid on top of me again and started that moan talk again. “You liked that, mmmmm, didn’t you Johnny. I can feel your erection under me.
I need your help.
I need to be masturbated bad. I’ll show you what to do.
My mind was going crazy. Fantasizing about my mom was one thing…but… actually doing something, that was something entirely different. She didn’t wait for my answer and laid us on our sides. She took off her nightie and little panties. She took my hand and put it on her wet pussy. My dick went to max hard instantly. Next thing I knew, she had three of my fingers in her wet pussy. She had her legs wide open and used both her hands to push and work my fingers in and out of her pussy. She had me massage her big clit with my other hand.
This was crazy, but I was loving it. She whispered for me to feel around for a certain area called her ‘good’ spot. She instructed me and I went right to it.
I was fingering my mom and liking it. She began to moan and held my wrist tight with both hands. She use my fingers as a dick in her. I was masturbating my own mom.
“That’s it Johnny…that’s it baby…oooo….you got it….this turns you on, doesn’t it. You wish it was your boner in me, don’t you…you can say it, tell me how bad you want to have sex with me…..say it.”
I told her what she wanted to hear.
I got to listen and watch my own mom orgasm with my fingers in her warm wet pussy.
I shot a load in my pajama bottoms.
————-
I had fucked several girls at my age and ate pussy too. This was changing everything. All I could think about was my mom and how hot she was making me. I had wonderful wet dreams about fucking her, eating her warm pussy and her giving me wonderful blow jobs. All these things I hoped….were headed in that direction for real.
Each morning got hotter. When I didn’t think it could get any better.
I waited for mom to come to my room. She would spot my boner and smile. “Already turning you on, am I?” she would say. She would do her sexy tease dance, and watch my eyes get excited.
This morning she told me she wanted to turn me on a new way. She took off my pajama bottoms and started feeling my hard dick. She slowly jacked me and then leaned over and started sucking on my boner.
I went into shock.
She said: “You let me know how I’m doing Johnny, ok?” She got naked and turned herself to go 69. Her wet pussy was staring me in the face. She reached down and pulled my head into her pussy as she began sucking on my dick. She lifted one leg. Opening her pussy wide. How could I resist. She pulled my head into her pussy. “Is that a turn on Johnny?….put your fingers in me like I taught you.” she said. I went for her ’good’ spot and listened as she moaned.
She teased my boner with her tongue. I would just about cum, and she would pull off and do something else. She began to push her clit to my lips and started humping my face. I couldn’t hold off cuming any longer. She seemed to know it and put my dick all the way in her mouth.
I exploded my cum in her mouth. She moaned a victory moan and then held my head and face fucked my tongue hard. She orgasmed a big one. My dick just kept pumping cum in her mouth as she rubbed my face on her pussy and shook hard. I got dizzy it felt so good. Finally she said: “Wow, I must have really turned you on Johnny!….that was fantastic!”
I didn’t have any cum on me, she had licked it all off and swallowed it all.
Sex with mom was the best ever. She wants to be desired, and now I’m going to make her squirm with desire for me. I now dream of fucking her all the time. She got me so hot for her, it’s time to turn her on, like she does me.
After our showers, I had time until dad gets home. She wasn’t expecting me to start turning her on. She wore her robe most of today. I knew she had nothing on under it, but I sure knew what was under it. She had such a smooth hot body. Such nice tits and sexy legs. I found her in the laundry room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her. She sighed big and leaned her head back on me. I whispered: (“..mom, you shouldn’t wear this sexy robe around the house, a guy could come up behind you and molest you. I know you wouldn’t want that. He might just want you so bad he’d feel your tits
( I reached in her robe and felt her nice tits.), feel your ass, ( ran my hand over her naked ass) and reach thru your robe and feel your warm pussy. (I felt her pubic hair and ran a finger down her damp slit.) She was gasping for air now. She moaned out between breaths : “Oh…thank you…. Johnny…..I…never thought about that…will you protect me from a guy…. who wants me so bad, he would put his… hands on my body…and make me all hot…and horny…you know how….I might not want that…..”
Megan thought…. Oh my god…I’m so elated at Johnny’s lust for me.
It was suppose to be a test to see if I could still turn a man on. I didn’t think about his reaction to my turning him on.
That tells me it’s dad, and not me.
I haven’t been turned on by a guy in a very long time. I want a lot more of this from Johnny. His hands have got me so horny, I’m dizzy. He’s making me want to have sex with him so bad. I don’t have the will power to stop this. Keep going Johnny…just keep going….
Johnny’s thoughts….Her little test showed she can really turn on a guy. I don’t know what dad’s problem is but I want to have total sex with mom. We both want it, and it’s going to happen.
I started feeling her body all over from behind her. I slowly took off her robe, I let her robe drop to the floor. She was shaking, waiting for my next move. I lowered my shorts. My boner was sticking between her legs. She moaned and back up tight to me. She spread her legs apart and leaned down on the washer. My boner went in her wet pussy by itself.
I held her smooth hips and started our first fuck. Her pussy was wet and warm as my dick slid in all the way. She began to moan and fucking back on me.
Megan thought… Oh damn Johnny, you feel so good in me, fuck me like I’ve wanted for so long now. I’ve never been fucked from behind before. I’ve got a thousand new hot feelings….oooo fuck me hard and make me climax hard…I need it…I need it bad…cum in me baby…I want to feel you shoot it in me…Oh god it’s happening…..oh baby yes….
Johnny’s reaction…My boner fits in her so hot, I’m going to hold her tits when I cum…I have to cum now…ooooo damn….
She fucked back on my boner so fast, her ass was a blur. She was moaning so loud, as our bodies were slapping together…. she made me cum extra hard. I jerked and shoved my cum in her deep, over and over. My mind went crazy and my legs got weak. She could somehow squeeze her pussy on my boner. It felt out of this world.
She held onto my hands on her tits and just kept fucking and fucking as she kept moaning wonderful sounds. Damn my boner felt hot in her. We squirmed and gasp in euphoria. Her body and mine shook and twitched as it felt so damn good.
There is nothing like the first time…….
Megan….
I’m shaking inside so bad with best climax I’ve ever had. My whole body climaxed, not just my pussy. The feel of his hot cum shooting in me made me go crazy with pleasure. He’s mine…all mine. He better get ready to have a lot of sex with me….I’ve found what has been missing in my sex life. Mmmmm just leave it to me Johnny and cum some more baby…oh…that feels so damn good…mmmmmm…
—————
Johnny reflects…
Mom’s little horny pills opened the door for us. Now she doesn’t take them.
She tells me that ‘I’m’ her little horny pill now.
I think we’ve fucked in every room in the house now, even on the kitchen table and in dad‘s chair.
She fucks like a 16 year old,…only…
…. a whole lot better….
—————

Read 165531 times |
Rated 92.3 % |
(973 votes)

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Mom’s Horney Pills

Mom’s Horny Pills r
My mom Megan, felt she was not performing in bed very well. She didn’t get dad, who was way older, turned on anymore. She didn’t want dad to stray to another woman so she went to the Doctor.
This was a new Doctor, and he was a young guy which she felt may be better suited for her problem. She told him she wanted to turn her husband on and be hotter in bed for him.
Mom had a killer hot body. She had beautiful smooth skin, big tits, perfect hips and legs.
This Doctor saw opportunity to take advantage of her. He gave her a pelvic exam and massaged her G spot, her clit and then masturbated her. He said everything worked, but she just needed ‘sex lessons’. She like his ‘treatment’ and he had made her very sexually excited. She wanted to go back once a week for his ’special’ treatment. He continued masturbating her each week and showed her things that stimulated her sexually. She liked this even more. ‘Sex lessons‘, she called it.
He would always give her a ‘special pill’ at the start of the appointment and then he started showing her about kissing and feeling her body. She kept his ‘treatment’ very secret, but loved him turning her on each week. After he got her very hot, then he would always masturbated her on the table. She was loving all this and found she was having urges to have sex with him. “Show me more, Doctor.” she would say to him. He would say: “Ok”, and then go further each time.
He would unhook her bra and feel her tits. He started kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Next he would lift up her patient gown, and began to kiss her pussy. He licked it and sucked on her clit as she bucked her hips with delight. He had her feel his boner and then suck on it all in the name of ’sex lessons’. One appointment he was masturbating her while she sucked on his boner. She blurted out to put his boner in her and show her how to fuck real good.
He said: “No, I can’t do that. You’ll have to find someone else to do that.”
She said: “But my husband won’t even talk about sex. He just has sex with me for about two minutes and then he’s done. That’s the end of our sex life. I try to turn him on, but I guess I need practice.
After the session, she thought as she drove home….’I know, I’ll ask Johnny to help me.’
That’s when she thought of me, Johnny, her son. Not knowing all this yet, I was 16 and I loved my mom’s hot body and I fantasized about fucking her many times.
That next day, it started. Mom came in my room after dad had left for work. She had on a see through night gown. I could see her big red bra, and red panties thru her white night gown. I was still in bed and she sat down beside me to have a talk with me. She explained her problem and wanted to ’just practice’ turning me on.
I didn’t know what to say at first, but finally the idea sound pretty hot to me and I said ’ok’ …’just for practice’, I’ll do it. The idea sounded hotter and hotter the more I thought about it. I was to tell her ’if’ and ’how much’ she was turning me on. I said ’ok’. She said first she had to go take a pill.
She came back about 20 minutes later. I lay in bed anxiously waiting. She whispered: (“…watch this.”) She began to slowly take her bra shoulder straps down while she still had her night gown on. Damn, she was going to do a strip for me right now.
She looked hot as she took down the shoulder straps and wiggled her arms out of them. She dropped the top of her night gown down to just below her bra. She turned around and sat with her back to me. She asked me to unhook her bra. She reached back and guided my hands to the hooks. When I unhooked it, she guided my hands under her loose bra around to her front and now my hands were full of both of her hot tits. She said: “If you feel ’turned on’, go ahead and feel them all you want.”
I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. Mom had nice full tits, so I proceeded to feel them. She and I were breathing hard as I felt them and her hard nipples. I had never seen her sexually excited, and it was exciting me. Those ‘special’ pills were making her horny, no doubt about it.
She was using me to test out her sex appeal. She became like a hungry animal as she got aggressive with me. She turned, pushed me back on my bed. She jerked her bra out and, opened up her night gown and laid on top of me. Her big tits were bare against my chest. She put her head down by my ear and began to….well…I’d call it ..’moaning talk’. Her voice was soft, sexy and she kinda whispered. She moaned as she talked with little ’oooo’s’. She was breathing hard and her pussy was resting right on my dick. She asked me: “ …feel my body …Johnny.”
I closed my eyes and put my hands under her night gown. Her skin was very warm as she squirmed on top of me. I felt the sides of her tits and down to her ass. She got kinda hyper and her hands were all over me. She was breathing heavy in my ear. She was feeling me up and kissed my neck. She did some more moaning talk….
“….oh baby, you’d like to have sex with me, wouldn’t you Johnny. You want me bad, don’t you. I want you to want me, tell me how much I turn you on and you want me bad….tell me…say it…”
I was in shock as I have never seen my mom act this way. I told her how I felt. “Mom, you’re the hottest mom ever. You turn me on perfect….I’m getting a boner…and… “
She was rubbing her pussy on my boner now. “YES!…go on!” she said. I was in shock at her actions. She acted like she was going to rape me or something. I said: “Yes, you turn me on a lot and yes, I’d like to have sex with you.”
That was just the first morning. The next morning as soon at dad’s car left, here she came again. She had already taken her pill. She came in with a new pink nightie that left her half naked. A tiny top barely covering her ’no bra’ tits, and tiny little panties. She spun around for me to admire it, and her. She laid on top of me again and started that moan talk again. “You liked that, mmmmm, didn’t you Johnny. I can feel your erection under me.
I need your help.
I need to be masturbated bad. I’ll show you what to do.
My mind was going crazy. Fantasizing about my mom was one thing…but… actually doing something, that was something entirely different. She didn’t wait for my answer and laid us on our sides. She took off her nightie and little panties. She took my hand and put it on her wet pussy. My dick went to max hard instantly. Next thing I knew, she had three of my fingers in her wet pussy. She had her legs wide open and used both her hands to push and work my fingers in and out of her pussy. She had me massage her big clit with my other hand.
This was crazy, but I was loving it. She whispered for me to feel around for a certain area called her ‘good’ spot. She instructed me and I went right to it.
I was fingering my mom and liking it. She began to moan and held my wrist tight with both hands. She use my fingers as a dick in her. I was masturbating my own mom.
“That’s it Johnny…that’s it baby…oooo….you got it….this turns you on, doesn’t it. You wish it was your boner in me, don’t you…you can say it, tell me how bad you want to have sex with me…..say it.”
I told her what she wanted to hear.
I got to listen and watch my own mom orgasm with my fingers in her warm wet pussy.
I shot a load in my pajama bottoms.
————-
I had fucked several girls at my age and ate pussy too. This was changing everything. All I could think about was my mom and how hot she was making me. I had wonderful wet dreams about fucking her, eating her warm pussy and her giving me wonderful blow jobs. All these things I hoped….were headed in that direction for real.
Each morning got hotter. When I didn’t think it could get any better.
I waited for mom to come to my room. She would spot my boner and smile. “Already turning you on, am I?” she would say. She would do her sexy tease dance, and watch my eyes get excited.
This morning she told me she wanted to turn me on a new way. She took off my pajama bottoms and started feeling my hard dick. She slowly jacked me and then leaned over and started sucking on my boner.
I went into shock.
She said: “You let me know how I’m doing Johnny, ok?” She got naked and turned herself to go 69. Her wet pussy was staring me in the face. She reached down and pulled my head into her pussy as she began sucking on my dick. She lifted one leg. Opening her pussy wide. How could I resist. She pulled my head into her pussy. “Is that a turn on Johnny?….put your fingers in me like I taught you.” she said. I went for her ’good’ spot and listened as she moaned.
She teased my boner with her tongue. I would just about cum, and she would pull off and do something else. She began to push her clit to my lips and started humping my face. I couldn’t hold off cuming any longer. She seemed to know it and put my dick all the way in her mouth.
I exploded my cum in her mouth. She moaned a victory moan and then held my head and face fucked my tongue hard. She orgasmed a big one. My dick just kept pumping cum in her mouth as she rubbed my face on her pussy and shook hard. I got dizzy it felt so good. Finally she said: “Wow, I must have really turned you on Johnny!….that was fantastic!”
I didn’t have any cum on me, she had licked it all off and swallowed it all.
Sex with mom was the best ever. She wants to be desired, and now I’m going to make her squirm with desire for me. I now dream of fucking her all the time. She got me so hot for her, it’s time to turn her on, like she does me.
After our showers, I had time until dad gets home. She wasn’t expecting me to start turning her on. She wore her robe most of today. I knew she had nothing on under it, but I sure knew what was under it. She had such a smooth hot body. Such nice tits and sexy legs. I found her in the laundry room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her. She sighed big and leaned her head back on me. I whispered: (“..mom, you shouldn’t wear this sexy robe around the house, a guy could come up behind you and molest you. I know you wouldn’t want that. He might just want you so bad he’d feel your tits
( I reached in her robe and felt her nice tits.), feel your ass, ( ran my hand over her naked ass) and reach thru your robe and feel your warm pussy. (I felt her pubic hair and ran a finger down her damp slit.) She was gasping for air now. She moaned out between breaths : “Oh…thank you…. Johnny…..I…never thought about that…will you protect me from a guy…. who wants me so bad, he would put his… hands on my body…and make me all hot…and horny…you know how….I might not want that…..”
Megan thought…. Oh my god…I’m so elated at Johnny’s lust for me.
It was suppose to be a test to see if I could still turn a man on. I didn’t think about his reaction to my turning him on.
That tells me it’s dad, and not me.
I haven’t been turned on by a guy in a very long time. I want a lot more of this from Johnny. His hands have got me so horny, I’m dizzy. He’s making me want to have sex with him so bad. I don’t have the will power to stop this. Keep going Johnny…just keep going….
Johnny’s thoughts….Her little test showed she can really turn on a guy. I don’t know what dad’s problem is but I want to have total sex with mom. We both want it, and it’s going to happen.
I started feeling her body all over from behind her. I slowly took off her robe, I let her robe drop to the floor. She was shaking, waiting for my next move. I lowered my shorts. My boner was sticking between her legs. She moaned and back up tight to me. She spread her legs apart and leaned down on the washer. My boner went in her wet pussy by itself.
I held her smooth hips and started our first fuck. Her pussy was wet and warm as my dick slid in all the way. She began to moan and fucking back on me.
Megan thought… Oh damn Johnny, you feel so good in me, fuck me like I’ve wanted for so long now. I’ve never been fucked from behind before. I’ve got a thousand new hot feelings….oooo fuck me hard and make me climax hard…I need it…I need it bad…cum in me baby…I want to feel you shoot it in me…Oh god it’s happening…..oh baby yes….
Johnny’s reaction…My boner fits in her so hot, I’m going to hold her tits when I cum…I have to cum now…ooooo damn….
She fucked back on my boner so fast, her ass was a blur. She was moaning so loud, as our bodies were slapping together…. she made me cum extra hard. I jerked and shoved my cum in her deep, over and over. My mind went crazy and my legs got weak. She could somehow squeeze her pussy on my boner. It felt out of this world.
She held onto my hands on her tits and just kept fucking and fucking as she kept moaning wonderful sounds. Damn my boner felt hot in her. We squirmed and gasp in euphoria. Her body and mine shook and twitched as it felt so damn good.
There is nothing like the first time…….
Megan….
I’m shaking inside so bad with best climax I’ve ever had. My whole body climaxed, not just my pussy. The feel of his hot cum shooting in me made me go crazy with pleasure. He’s mine…all mine. He better get ready to have a lot of sex with me….I’ve found what has been missing in my sex life. Mmmmm just leave it to me Johnny and cum some more baby…oh…that feels so damn good…mmmmmm…
—————
Johnny reflects…
Mom’s little horny pills opened the door for us. Now she doesn’t take them.
She tells me that ‘I’m’ her little horny pill now.
I think we’ve fucked in every room in the house now, even on the kitchen table and in dad‘s chair.
She fucks like a 16 year old,…only…
…. a whole lot better….
—————

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Mom’s Horney Pills

Mom’s Horny Pills r
My mom Megan, felt she was not performing in bed very well. She didn’t get dad, who was way older, turned on anymore. She didn’t want dad to stray to another woman so she went to the Doctor.
This was a new Doctor, and he was a young guy which she felt may be better suited for her problem. She told him she wanted to turn her husband on and be hotter in bed for him.
Mom had a killer hot body. She had beautiful smooth skin, big tits, perfect hips and legs.
This Doctor saw opportunity to take advantage of her. He gave her a pelvic exam and massaged her G spot, her clit and then masturbated her. He said everything worked, but she just needed ‘sex lessons’. She like his ‘treatment’ and he had made her very sexually excited. She wanted to go back once a week for his ’special’ treatment. He continued masturbating her each week and showed her things that stimulated her sexually. She liked this even more. ‘Sex lessons‘, she called it.
He would always give her a ‘special pill’ at the start of the appointment and then he started showing her about kissing and feeling her body. She kept his ‘treatment’ very secret, but loved him turning her on each week. After he got her very hot, then he would always masturbated her on the table. She was loving all this and found she was having urges to have sex with him. “Show me more, Doctor.” she would say to him. He would say: “Ok”, and then go further each time.
He would unhook her bra and feel her tits. He started kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Next he would lift up her patient gown, and began to kiss her pussy. He licked it and sucked on her clit as she bucked her hips with delight. He had her feel his boner and then suck on it all in the name of ’sex lessons’. One appointment he was masturbating her while she sucked on his boner. She blurted out to put his boner in her and show her how to fuck real good.
He said: “No, I can’t do that. You’ll have to find someone else to do that.”
She said: “But my husband won’t even talk about sex. He just has sex with me for about two minutes and then he’s done. That’s the end of our sex life. I try to turn him on, but I guess I need practice.
After the session, she thought as she drove home….’I know, I’ll ask Johnny to help me.’
That’s when she thought of me, Johnny, her son. Not knowing all this yet, I was 16 and I loved my mom’s hot body and I fantasized about fucking her many times.
That next day, it started. Mom came in my room after dad had left for work. She had on a see through night gown. I could see her big red bra, and red panties thru her white night gown. I was still in bed and she sat down beside me to have a talk with me. She explained her problem and wanted to ’just practice’ turning me on.
I didn’t know what to say at first, but finally the idea sound pretty hot to me and I said ’ok’ …’just for practice’, I’ll do it. The idea sounded hotter and hotter the more I thought about it. I was to tell her ’if’ and ’how much’ she was turning me on. I said ’ok’. She said first she had to go take a pill.
She came back about 20 minutes later. I lay in bed anxiously waiting. She whispered: (“…watch this.”) She began to slowly take her bra shoulder straps down while she still had her night gown on. Damn, she was going to do a strip for me right now.
She looked hot as she took down the shoulder straps and wiggled her arms out of them. She dropped the top of her night gown down to just below her bra. She turned around and sat with her back to me. She asked me to unhook her bra. She reached back and guided my hands to the hooks. When I unhooked it, she guided my hands under her loose bra around to her front and now my hands were full of both of her hot tits. She said: “If you feel ’turned on’, go ahead and feel them all you want.”
I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. Mom had nice full tits, so I proceeded to feel them. She and I were breathing hard as I felt them and her hard nipples. I had never seen her sexually excited, and it was exciting me. Those ‘special’ pills were making her horny, no doubt about it.
She was using me to test out her sex appeal. She became like a hungry animal as she got aggressive with me. She turned, pushed me back on my bed. She jerked her bra out and, opened up her night gown and laid on top of me. Her big tits were bare against my chest. She put her head down by my ear and began to….well…I’d call it ..’moaning talk’. Her voice was soft, sexy and she kinda whispered. She moaned as she talked with little ’oooo’s’. She was breathing hard and her pussy was resting right on my dick. She asked me: “ …feel my body …Johnny.”
I closed my eyes and put my hands under her night gown. Her skin was very warm as she squirmed on top of me. I felt the sides of her tits and down to her ass. She got kinda hyper and her hands were all over me. She was breathing heavy in my ear. She was feeling me up and kissed my neck. She did some more moaning talk….
“….oh baby, you’d like to have sex with me, wouldn’t you Johnny. You want me bad, don’t you. I want you to want me, tell me how much I turn you on and you want me bad….tell me…say it…”
I was in shock as I have never seen my mom act this way. I told her how I felt. “Mom, you’re the hottest mom ever. You turn me on perfect….I’m getting a boner…and… “
She was rubbing her pussy on my boner now. “YES!…go on!” she said. I was in shock at her actions. She acted like she was going to rape me or something. I said: “Yes, you turn me on a lot and yes, I’d like to have sex with you.”
That was just the first morning. The next morning as soon at dad’s car left, here she came again. She had already taken her pill. She came in with a new pink nightie that left her half naked. A tiny top barely covering her ’no bra’ tits, and tiny little panties. She spun around for me to admire it, and her. She laid on top of me again and started that moan talk again. “You liked that, mmmmm, didn’t you Johnny. I can feel your erection under me.
I need your help.
I need to be masturbated bad. I’ll show you what to do.
My mind was going crazy. Fantasizing about my mom was one thing…but… actually doing something, that was something entirely different. She didn’t wait for my answer and laid us on our sides. She took off her nightie and little panties. She took my hand and put it on her wet pussy. My dick went to max hard instantly. Next thing I knew, she had three of my fingers in her wet pussy. She had her legs wide open and used both her hands to push and work my fingers in and out of her pussy. She had me massage her big clit with my other hand.
This was crazy, but I was loving it. She whispered for me to feel around for a certain area called her ‘good’ spot. She instructed me and I went right to it.
I was fingering my mom and liking it. She began to moan and held my wrist tight with both hands. She use my fingers as a dick in her. I was masturbating my own mom.
“That’s it Johnny…that’s it baby…oooo….you got it….this turns you on, doesn’t it. You wish it was your boner in me, don’t you…you can say it, tell me how bad you want to have sex with me…..say it.”
I told her what she wanted to hear.
I got to listen and watch my own mom orgasm with my fingers in her warm wet pussy.
I shot a load in my pajama bottoms.
————-
I had fucked several girls at my age and ate pussy too. This was changing everything. All I could think about was my mom and how hot she was making me. I had wonderful wet dreams about fucking her, eating her warm pussy and her giving me wonderful blow jobs. All these things I hoped….were headed in that direction for real.
Each morning got hotter. When I didn’t think it could get any better.
I waited for mom to come to my room. She would spot my boner and smile. “Already turning you on, am I?” she would say. She would do her sexy tease dance, and watch my eyes get excited.
This morning she told me she wanted to turn me on a new way. She took off my pajama bottoms and started feeling my hard dick. She slowly jacked me and then leaned over and started sucking on my boner.
I went into shock.
She said: “You let me know how I’m doing Johnny, ok?” She got naked and turned herself to go 69. Her wet pussy was staring me in the face. She reached down and pulled my head into her pussy as she began sucking on my dick. She lifted one leg. Opening her pussy wide. How could I resist. She pulled my head into her pussy. “Is that a turn on Johnny?….put your fingers in me like I taught you.” she said. I went for her ’good’ spot and listened as she moaned.
She teased my boner with her tongue. I would just about cum, and she would pull off and do something else. She began to push her clit to my lips and started humping my face. I couldn’t hold off cuming any longer. She seemed to know it and put my dick all the way in her mouth.
I exploded my cum in her mouth. She moaned a victory moan and then held my head and face fucked my tongue hard. She orgasmed a big one. My dick just kept pumping cum in her mouth as she rubbed my face on her pussy and shook hard. I got dizzy it felt so good. Finally she said: “Wow, I must have really turned you on Johnny!….that was fantastic!”
I didn’t have any cum on me, she had licked it all off and swallowed it all.
Sex with mom was the best ever. She wants to be desired, and now I’m going to make her squirm with desire for me. I now dream of fucking her all the time. She got me so hot for her, it’s time to turn her on, like she does me.
After our showers, I had time until dad gets home. She wasn’t expecting me to start turning her on. She wore her robe most of today. I knew she had nothing on under it, but I sure knew what was under it. She had such a smooth hot body. Such nice tits and sexy legs. I found her in the laundry room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her. She sighed big and leaned her head back on me. I whispered: (“..mom, you shouldn’t wear this sexy robe around the house, a guy could come up behind you and molest you. I know you wouldn’t want that. He might just want you so bad he’d feel your tits
( I reached in her robe and felt her nice tits.), feel your ass, ( ran my hand over her naked ass) and reach thru your robe and feel your warm pussy. (I felt her pubic hair and ran a finger down her damp slit.) She was gasping for air now. She moaned out between breaths : “Oh…thank you…. Johnny…..I…never thought about that…will you protect me from a guy…. who wants me so bad, he would put his… hands on my body…and make me all hot…and horny…you know how….I might not want that…..”
Megan thought…. Oh my god…I’m so elated at Johnny’s lust for me.
It was suppose to be a test to see if I could still turn a man on. I didn’t think about his reaction to my turning him on.
That tells me it’s dad, and not me.
I haven’t been turned on by a guy in a very long time. I want a lot more of this from Johnny. His hands have got me so horny, I’m dizzy. He’s making me want to have sex with him so bad. I don’t have the will power to stop this. Keep going Johnny…just keep going….
Johnny’s thoughts….Her little test showed she can really turn on a guy. I don’t know what dad’s problem is but I want to have total sex with mom. We both want it, and it’s going to happen.
I started feeling her body all over from behind her. I slowly took off her robe, I let her robe drop to the floor. She was shaking, waiting for my next move. I lowered my shorts. My boner was sticking between her legs. She moaned and back up tight to me. She spread her legs apart and leaned down on the washer. My boner went in her wet pussy by itself.
I held her smooth hips and started our first fuck. Her pussy was wet and warm as my dick slid in all the way. She began to moan and fucking back on me.
Megan thought… Oh damn Johnny, you feel so good in me, fuck me like I’ve wanted for so long now. I’ve never been fucked from behind before. I’ve got a thousand new hot feelings….oooo fuck me hard and make me climax hard…I need it…I need it bad…cum in me baby…I want to feel you shoot it in me…Oh god it’s happening…..oh baby yes….
Johnny’s reaction…My boner fits in her so hot, I’m going to hold her tits when I cum…I have to cum now…ooooo damn….
She fucked back on my boner so fast, her ass was a blur. She was moaning so loud, as our bodies were slapping together…. she made me cum extra hard. I jerked and shoved my cum in her deep, over and over. My mind went crazy and my legs got weak. She could somehow squeeze her pussy on my boner. It felt out of this world.
She held onto my hands on her tits and just kept fucking and fucking as she kept moaning wonderful sounds. Damn my boner felt hot in her. We squirmed and gasp in euphoria. Her body and mine shook and twitched as it felt so damn good.
There is nothing like the first time…….
Megan….
I’m shaking inside so bad with best climax I’ve ever had. My whole body climaxed, not just my pussy. The feel of his hot cum shooting in me made me go crazy with pleasure. He’s mine…all mine. He better get ready to have a lot of sex with me….I’ve found what has been missing in my sex life. Mmmmm just leave it to me Johnny and cum some more baby…oh…that feels so damn good…mmmmmm…
—————
Johnny reflects…
Mom’s little horny pills opened the door for us. Now she doesn’t take them.
She tells me that ‘I’m’ her little horny pill now.
I think we’ve fucked in every room in the house now, even on the kitchen table and in dad‘s chair.
She fucks like a 16 year old,…only…
…. a whole lot better….
—————

Read 165534 times |
Rated 92.3 % |
(973 votes)

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Mom’s Horney Pills

Mom’s Horny Pills r
My mom Megan, felt she was not performing in bed very well. She didn’t get dad, who was way older, turned on anymore. She didn’t want dad to stray to another woman so she went to the Doctor.
This was a new Doctor, and he was a young guy which she felt may be better suited for her problem. She told him she wanted to turn her husband on and be hotter in bed for him.
Mom had a killer hot body. She had beautiful smooth skin, big tits, perfect hips and legs.
This Doctor saw opportunity to take advantage of her. He gave her a pelvic exam and massaged her G spot, her clit and then masturbated her. He said everything worked, but she just needed ‘sex lessons’. She like his ‘treatment’ and he had made her very sexually excited. She wanted to go back once a week for his ’special’ treatment. He continued masturbating her each week and showed her things that stimulated her sexually. She liked this even more. ‘Sex lessons‘, she called it.
He would always give her a ‘special pill’ at the start of the appointment and then he started showing her about kissing and feeling her body. She kept his ‘treatment’ very secret, but loved him turning her on each week. After he got her very hot, then he would always masturbated her on the table. She was loving all this and found she was having urges to have sex with him. “Show me more, Doctor.” she would say to him. He would say: “Ok”, and then go further each time.
He would unhook her bra and feel her tits. He started kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Next he would lift up her patient gown, and began to kiss her pussy. He licked it and sucked on her clit as she bucked her hips with delight. He had her feel his boner and then suck on it all in the name of ’sex lessons’. One appointment he was masturbating her while she sucked on his boner. She blurted out to put his boner in her and show her how to fuck real good.
He said: “No, I can’t do that. You’ll have to find someone else to do that.”
She said: “But my husband won’t even talk about sex. He just has sex with me for about two minutes and then he’s done. That’s the end of our sex life. I try to turn him on, but I guess I need practice.
After the session, she thought as she drove home….’I know, I’ll ask Johnny to help me.’
That’s when she thought of me, Johnny, her son. Not knowing all this yet, I was 16 and I loved my mom’s hot body and I fantasized about fucking her many times.
That next day, it started. Mom came in my room after dad had left for work. She had on a see through night gown. I could see her big red bra, and red panties thru her white night gown. I was still in bed and she sat down beside me to have a talk with me. She explained her problem and wanted to ’just practice’ turning me on.
I didn’t know what to say at first, but finally the idea sound pretty hot to me and I said ’ok’ …’just for practice’, I’ll do it. The idea sounded hotter and hotter the more I thought about it. I was to tell her ’if’ and ’how much’ she was turning me on. I said ’ok’. She said first she had to go take a pill.
She came back about 20 minutes later. I lay in bed anxiously waiting. She whispered: (“…watch this.”) She began to slowly take her bra shoulder straps down while she still had her night gown on. Damn, she was going to do a strip for me right now.
She looked hot as she took down the shoulder straps and wiggled her arms out of them. She dropped the top of her night gown down to just below her bra. She turned around and sat with her back to me. She asked me to unhook her bra. She reached back and guided my hands to the hooks. When I unhooked it, she guided my hands under her loose bra around to her front and now my hands were full of both of her hot tits. She said: “If you feel ’turned on’, go ahead and feel them all you want.”
I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. Mom had nice full tits, so I proceeded to feel them. She and I were breathing hard as I felt them and her hard nipples. I had never seen her sexually excited, and it was exciting me. Those ‘special’ pills were making her horny, no doubt about it.
She was using me to test out her sex appeal. She became like a hungry animal as she got aggressive with me. She turned, pushed me back on my bed. She jerked her bra out and, opened up her night gown and laid on top of me. Her big tits were bare against my chest. She put her head down by my ear and began to….well…I’d call it ..’moaning talk’. Her voice was soft, sexy and she kinda whispered. She moaned as she talked with little ’oooo’s’. She was breathing hard and her pussy was resting right on my dick. She asked me: “ …feel my body …Johnny.”
I closed my eyes and put my hands under her night gown. Her skin was very warm as she squirmed on top of me. I felt the sides of her tits and down to her ass. She got kinda hyper and her hands were all over me. She was breathing heavy in my ear. She was feeling me up and kissed my neck. She did some more moaning talk….
“….oh baby, you’d like to have sex with me, wouldn’t you Johnny. You want me bad, don’t you. I want you to want me, tell me how much I turn you on and you want me bad….tell me…say it…”
I was in shock as I have never seen my mom act this way. I told her how I felt. “Mom, you’re the hottest mom ever. You turn me on perfect….I’m getting a boner…and… “
She was rubbing her pussy on my boner now. “YES!…go on!” she said. I was in shock at her actions. She acted like she was going to rape me or something. I said: “Yes, you turn me on a lot and yes, I’d like to have sex with you.”
That was just the first morning. The next morning as soon at dad’s car left, here she came again. She had already taken her pill. She came in with a new pink nightie that left her half naked. A tiny top barely covering her ’no bra’ tits, and tiny little panties. She spun around for me to admire it, and her. She laid on top of me again and started that moan talk again. “You liked that, mmmmm, didn’t you Johnny. I can feel your erection under me.
I need your help.
I need to be masturbated bad. I’ll show you what to do.
My mind was going crazy. Fantasizing about my mom was one thing…but… actually doing something, that was something entirely different. She didn’t wait for my answer and laid us on our sides. She took off her nightie and little panties. She took my hand and put it on her wet pussy. My dick went to max hard instantly. Next thing I knew, she had three of my fingers in her wet pussy. She had her legs wide open and used both her hands to push and work my fingers in and out of her pussy. She had me massage her big clit with my other hand.
This was crazy, but I was loving it. She whispered for me to feel around for a certain area called her ‘good’ spot. She instructed me and I went right to it.
I was fingering my mom and liking it. She began to moan and held my wrist tight with both hands. She use my fingers as a dick in her. I was masturbating my own mom.
“That’s it Johnny…that’s it baby…oooo….you got it….this turns you on, doesn’t it. You wish it was your boner in me, don’t you…you can say it, tell me how bad you want to have sex with me…..say it.”
I told her what she wanted to hear.
I got to listen and watch my own mom orgasm with my fingers in her warm wet pussy.
I shot a load in my pajama bottoms.
————-
I had fucked several girls at my age and ate pussy too. This was changing everything. All I could think about was my mom and how hot she was making me. I had wonderful wet dreams about fucking her, eating her warm pussy and her giving me wonderful blow jobs. All these things I hoped….were headed in that direction for real.
Each morning got hotter. When I didn’t think it could get any better.
I waited for mom to come to my room. She would spot my boner and smile. “Already turning you on, am I?” she would say. She would do her sexy tease dance, and watch my eyes get excited.
This morning she told me she wanted to turn me on a new way. She took off my pajama bottoms and started feeling my hard dick. She slowly jacked me and then leaned over and started sucking on my boner.
I went into shock.
She said: “You let me know how I’m doing Johnny, ok?” She got naked and turned herself to go 69. Her wet pussy was staring me in the face. She reached down and pulled my head into her pussy as she began sucking on my dick. She lifted one leg. Opening her pussy wide. How could I resist. She pulled my head into her pussy. “Is that a turn on Johnny?….put your fingers in me like I taught you.” she said. I went for her ’good’ spot and listened as she moaned.
She teased my boner with her tongue. I would just about cum, and she would pull off and do something else. She began to push her clit to my lips and started humping my face. I couldn’t hold off cuming any longer. She seemed to know it and put my dick all the way in her mouth.
I exploded my cum in her mouth. She moaned a victory moan and then held my head and face fucked my tongue hard. She orgasmed a big one. My dick just kept pumping cum in her mouth as she rubbed my face on her pussy and shook hard. I got dizzy it felt so good. Finally she said: “Wow, I must have really turned you on Johnny!….that was fantastic!”
I didn’t have any cum on me, she had licked it all off and swallowed it all.
Sex with mom was the best ever. She wants to be desired, and now I’m going to make her squirm with desire for me. I now dream of fucking her all the time. She got me so hot for her, it’s time to turn her on, like she does me.
After our showers, I had time until dad gets home. She wasn’t expecting me to start turning her on. She wore her robe most of today. I knew she had nothing on under it, but I sure knew what was under it. She had such a smooth hot body. Such nice tits and sexy legs. I found her in the laundry room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her. She sighed big and leaned her head back on me. I whispered: (“..mom, you shouldn’t wear this sexy robe around the house, a guy could come up behind you and molest you. I know you wouldn’t want that. He might just want you so bad he’d feel your tits
( I reached in her robe and felt her nice tits.), feel your ass, ( ran my hand over her naked ass) and reach thru your robe and feel your warm pussy. (I felt her pubic hair and ran a finger down her damp slit.) She was gasping for air now. She moaned out between breaths : “Oh…thank you…. Johnny…..I…never thought about that…will you protect me from a guy…. who wants me so bad, he would put his… hands on my body…and make me all hot…and horny…you know how….I might not want that…..”
Megan thought…. Oh my god…I’m so elated at Johnny’s lust for me.
It was suppose to be a test to see if I could still turn a man on. I didn’t think about his reaction to my turning him on.
That tells me it’s dad, and not me.
I haven’t been turned on by a guy in a very long time. I want a lot more of this from Johnny. His hands have got me so horny, I’m dizzy. He’s making me want to have sex with him so bad. I don’t have the will power to stop this. Keep going Johnny…just keep going….
Johnny’s thoughts….Her little test showed she can really turn on a guy. I don’t know what dad’s problem is but I want to have total sex with mom. We both want it, and it’s going to happen.
I started feeling her body all over from behind her. I slowly took off her robe, I let her robe drop to the floor. She was shaking, waiting for my next move. I lowered my shorts. My boner was sticking between her legs. She moaned and back up tight to me. She spread her legs apart and leaned down on the washer. My boner went in her wet pussy by itself.
I held her smooth hips and started our first fuck. Her pussy was wet and warm as my dick slid in all the way. She began to moan and fucking back on me.
Megan thought… Oh damn Johnny, you feel so good in me, fuck me like I’ve wanted for so long now. I’ve never been fucked from behind before. I’ve got a thousand new hot feelings….oooo fuck me hard and make me climax hard…I need it…I need it bad…cum in me baby…I want to feel you shoot it in me…Oh god it’s happening…..oh baby yes….
Johnny’s reaction…My boner fits in her so hot, I’m going to hold her tits when I cum…I have to cum now…ooooo damn….
She fucked back on my boner so fast, her ass was a blur. She was moaning so loud, as our bodies were slapping together…. she made me cum extra hard. I jerked and shoved my cum in her deep, over and over. My mind went crazy and my legs got weak. She could somehow squeeze her pussy on my boner. It felt out of this world.
She held onto my hands on her tits and just kept fucking and fucking as she kept moaning wonderful sounds. Damn my boner felt hot in her. We squirmed and gasp in euphoria. Her body and mine shook and twitched as it felt so damn good.
There is nothing like the first time…….
Megan….
I’m shaking inside so bad with best climax I’ve ever had. My whole body climaxed, not just my pussy. The feel of his hot cum shooting in me made me go crazy with pleasure. He’s mine…all mine. He better get ready to have a lot of sex with me….I’ve found what has been missing in my sex life. Mmmmm just leave it to me Johnny and cum some more baby…oh…that feels so damn good…mmmmmm…
—————
Johnny reflects…
Mom’s little horny pills opened the door for us. Now she doesn’t take them.
She tells me that ‘I’m’ her little horny pill now.
I think we’ve fucked in every room in the house now, even on the kitchen table and in dad‘s chair.
She fucks like a 16 year old,…only…
…. a whole lot better….
—————

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Mom’s Horney Pills

Mom’s Horny Pills r
My mom Megan, felt she was not performing in bed very well. She didn’t get dad, who was way older, turned on anymore. She didn’t want dad to stray to another woman so she went to the Doctor.
This was a new Doctor, and he was a young guy which she felt may be better suited for her problem. She told him she wanted to turn her husband on and be hotter in bed for him.
Mom had a killer hot body. She had beautiful smooth skin, big tits, perfect hips and legs.
This Doctor saw opportunity to take advantage of her. He gave her a pelvic exam and massaged her G spot, her clit and then masturbated her. He said everything worked, but she just needed ‘sex lessons’. She like his ‘treatment’ and he had made her very sexually excited. She wanted to go back once a week for his ’special’ treatment. He continued masturbating her each week and showed her things that stimulated her sexually. She liked this even more. ‘Sex lessons‘, she called it.
He would always give her a ‘special pill’ at the start of the appointment and then he started showing her about kissing and feeling her body. She kept his ‘treatment’ very secret, but loved him turning her on each week. After he got her very hot, then he would always masturbated her on the table. She was loving all this and found she was having urges to have sex with him. “Show me more, Doctor.” she would say to him. He would say: “Ok”, and then go further each time.
He would unhook her bra and feel her tits. He started kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Next he would lift up her patient gown, and began to kiss her pussy. He licked it and sucked on her clit as she bucked her hips with delight. He had her feel his boner and then suck on it all in the name of ’sex lessons’. One appointment he was masturbating her while she sucked on his boner. She blurted out to put his boner in her and show her how to fuck real good.
He said: “No, I can’t do that. You’ll have to find someone else to do that.”
She said: “But my husband won’t even talk about sex. He just has sex with me for about two minutes and then he’s done. That’s the end of our sex life. I try to turn him on, but I guess I need practice.
After the session, she thought as she drove home….’I know, I’ll ask Johnny to help me.’
That’s when she thought of me, Johnny, her son. Not knowing all this yet, I was 16 and I loved my mom’s hot body and I fantasized about fucking her many times.
That next day, it started. Mom came in my room after dad had left for work. She had on a see through night gown. I could see her big red bra, and red panties thru her white night gown. I was still in bed and she sat down beside me to have a talk with me. She explained her problem and wanted to ’just practice’ turning me on.
I didn’t know what to say at first, but finally the idea sound pretty hot to me and I said ’ok’ …’just for practice’, I’ll do it. The idea sounded hotter and hotter the more I thought about it. I was to tell her ’if’ and ’how much’ she was turning me on. I said ’ok’. She said first she had to go take a pill.
She came back about 20 minutes later. I lay in bed anxiously waiting. She whispered: (“…watch this.”) She began to slowly take her bra shoulder straps down while she still had her night gown on. Damn, she was going to do a strip for me right now.
She looked hot as she took down the shoulder straps and wiggled her arms out of them. She dropped the top of her night gown down to just below her bra. She turned around and sat with her back to me. She asked me to unhook her bra. She reached back and guided my hands to the hooks. When I unhooked it, she guided my hands under her loose bra around to her front and now my hands were full of both of her hot tits. She said: “If you feel ’turned on’, go ahead and feel them all you want.”
I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. Mom had nice full tits, so I proceeded to feel them. She and I were breathing hard as I felt them and her hard nipples. I had never seen her sexually excited, and it was exciting me. Those ‘special’ pills were making her horny, no doubt about it.
She was using me to test out her sex appeal. She became like a hungry animal as she got aggressive with me. She turned, pushed me back on my bed. She jerked her bra out and, opened up her night gown and laid on top of me. Her big tits were bare against my chest. She put her head down by my ear and began to….well…I’d call it ..’moaning talk’. Her voice was soft, sexy and she kinda whispered. She moaned as she talked with little ’oooo’s’. She was breathing hard and her pussy was resting right on my dick. She asked me: “ …feel my body …Johnny.”
I closed my eyes and put my hands under her night gown. Her skin was very warm as she squirmed on top of me. I felt the sides of her tits and down to her ass. She got kinda hyper and her hands were all over me. She was breathing heavy in my ear. She was feeling me up and kissed my neck. She did some more moaning talk….
“….oh baby, you’d like to have sex with me, wouldn’t you Johnny. You want me bad, don’t you. I want you to want me, tell me how much I turn you on and you want me bad….tell me…say it…”
I was in shock as I have never seen my mom act this way. I told her how I felt. “Mom, you’re the hottest mom ever. You turn me on perfect….I’m getting a boner…and… “
She was rubbing her pussy on my boner now. “YES!…go on!” she said. I was in shock at her actions. She acted like she was going to rape me or something. I said: “Yes, you turn me on a lot and yes, I’d like to have sex with you.”
That was just the first morning. The next morning as soon at dad’s car left, here she came again. She had already taken her pill. She came in with a new pink nightie that left her half naked. A tiny top barely covering her ’no bra’ tits, and tiny little panties. She spun around for me to admire it, and her. She laid on top of me again and started that moan talk again. “You liked that, mmmmm, didn’t you Johnny. I can feel your erection under me.
I need your help.
I need to be masturbated bad. I’ll show you what to do.
My mind was going crazy. Fantasizing about my mom was one thing…but… actually doing something, that was something entirely different. She didn’t wait for my answer and laid us on our sides. She took off her nightie and little panties. She took my hand and put it on her wet pussy. My dick went to max hard instantly. Next thing I knew, she had three of my fingers in her wet pussy. She had her legs wide open and used both her hands to push and work my fingers in and out of her pussy. She had me massage her big clit with my other hand.
This was crazy, but I was loving it. She whispered for me to feel around for a certain area called her ‘good’ spot. She instructed me and I went right to it.
I was fingering my mom and liking it. She began to moan and held my wrist tight with both hands. She use my fingers as a dick in her. I was masturbating my own mom.
“That’s it Johnny…that’s it baby…oooo….you got it….this turns you on, doesn’t it. You wish it was your boner in me, don’t you…you can say it, tell me how bad you want to have sex with me…..say it.”
I told her what she wanted to hear.
I got to listen and watch my own mom orgasm with my fingers in her warm wet pussy.
I shot a load in my pajama bottoms.
————-
I had fucked several girls at my age and ate pussy too. This was changing everything. All I could think about was my mom and how hot she was making me. I had wonderful wet dreams about fucking her, eating her warm pussy and her giving me wonderful blow jobs. All these things I hoped….were headed in that direction for real.
Each morning got hotter. When I didn’t think it could get any better.
I waited for mom to come to my room. She would spot my boner and smile. “Already turning you on, am I?” she would say. She would do her sexy tease dance, and watch my eyes get excited.
This morning she told me she wanted to turn me on a new way. She took off my pajama bottoms and started feeling my hard dick. She slowly jacked me and then leaned over and started sucking on my boner.
I went into shock.
She said: “You let me know how I’m doing Johnny, ok?” She got naked and turned herself to go 69. Her wet pussy was staring me in the face. She reached down and pulled my head into her pussy as she began sucking on my dick. She lifted one leg. Opening her pussy wide. How could I resist. She pulled my head into her pussy. “Is that a turn on Johnny?….put your fingers in me like I taught you.” she said. I went for her ’good’ spot and listened as she moaned.
She teased my boner with her tongue. I would just about cum, and she would pull off and do something else. She began to push her clit to my lips and started humping my face. I couldn’t hold off cuming any longer. She seemed to know it and put my dick all the way in her mouth.
I exploded my cum in her mouth. She moaned a victory moan and then held my head and face fucked my tongue hard. She orgasmed a big one. My dick just kept pumping cum in her mouth as she rubbed my face on her pussy and shook hard. I got dizzy it felt so good. Finally she said: “Wow, I must have really turned you on Johnny!….that was fantastic!”
I didn’t have any cum on me, she had licked it all off and swallowed it all.
Sex with mom was the best ever. She wants to be desired, and now I’m going to make her squirm with desire for me. I now dream of fucking her all the time. She got me so hot for her, it’s time to turn her on, like she does me.
After our showers, I had time until dad gets home. She wasn’t expecting me to start turning her on. She wore her robe most of today. I knew she had nothing on under it, but I sure knew what was under it. She had such a smooth hot body. Such nice tits and sexy legs. I found her in the laundry room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her. She sighed big and leaned her head back on me. I whispered: (“..mom, you shouldn’t wear this sexy robe around the house, a guy could come up behind you and molest you. I know you wouldn’t want that. He might just want you so bad he’d feel your tits
( I reached in her robe and felt her nice tits.), feel your ass, ( ran my hand over her naked ass) and reach thru your robe and feel your warm pussy. (I felt her pubic hair and ran a finger down her damp slit.) She was gasping for air now. She moaned out between breaths : “Oh…thank you…. Johnny…..I…never thought about that…will you protect me from a guy…. who wants me so bad, he would put his… hands on my body…and make me all hot…and horny…you know how….I might not want that…..”
Megan thought…. Oh my god…I’m so elated at Johnny’s lust for me.
It was suppose to be a test to see if I could still turn a man on. I didn’t think about his reaction to my turning him on.
That tells me it’s dad, and not me.
I haven’t been turned on by a guy in a very long time. I want a lot more of this from Johnny. His hands have got me so horny, I’m dizzy. He’s making me want to have sex with him so bad. I don’t have the will power to stop this. Keep going Johnny…just keep going….
Johnny’s thoughts….Her little test showed she can really turn on a guy. I don’t know what dad’s problem is but I want to have total sex with mom. We both want it, and it’s going to happen.
I started feeling her body all over from behind her. I slowly took off her robe, I let her robe drop to the floor. She was shaking, waiting for my next move. I lowered my shorts. My boner was sticking between her legs. She moaned and back up tight to me. She spread her legs apart and leaned down on the washer. My boner went in her wet pussy by itself.
I held her smooth hips and started our first fuck. Her pussy was wet and warm as my dick slid in all the way. She began to moan and fucking back on me.
Megan thought… Oh damn Johnny, you feel so good in me, fuck me like I’ve wanted for so long now. I’ve never been fucked from behind before. I’ve got a thousand new hot feelings….oooo fuck me hard and make me climax hard…I need it…I need it bad…cum in me baby…I want to feel you shoot it in me…Oh god it’s happening…..oh baby yes….
Johnny’s reaction…My boner fits in her so hot, I’m going to hold her tits when I cum…I have to cum now…ooooo damn….
She fucked back on my boner so fast, her ass was a blur. She was moaning so loud, as our bodies were slapping together…. she made me cum extra hard. I jerked and shoved my cum in her deep, over and over. My mind went crazy and my legs got weak. She could somehow squeeze her pussy on my boner. It felt out of this world.
She held onto my hands on her tits and just kept fucking and fucking as she kept moaning wonderful sounds. Damn my boner felt hot in her. We squirmed and gasp in euphoria. Her body and mine shook and twitched as it felt so damn good.
There is nothing like the first time…….
Megan….
I’m shaking inside so bad with best climax I’ve ever had. My whole body climaxed, not just my pussy. The feel of his hot cum shooting in me made me go crazy with pleasure. He’s mine…all mine. He better get ready to have a lot of sex with me….I’ve found what has been missing in my sex life. Mmmmm just leave it to me Johnny and cum some more baby…oh…that feels so damn good…mmmmmm…
—————
Johnny reflects…
Mom’s little horny pills opened the door for us. Now she doesn’t take them.
She tells me that ‘I’m’ her little horny pill now.
I think we’ve fucked in every room in the house now, even on the kitchen table and in dad‘s chair.
She fucks like a 16 year old,…only…
…. a whole lot better….
—————

Read 165528 times |
Rated 92.3 % |
(973 votes)

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Mom’s Horney Pills

Mom’s Horny Pills r
My mom Megan, felt she was not performing in bed very well. She didn’t get dad, who was way older, turned on anymore. She didn’t want dad to stray to another woman so she went to the Doctor.
This was a new Doctor, and he was a young guy which she felt may be better suited for her problem. She told him she wanted to turn her husband on and be hotter in bed for him.
Mom had a killer hot body. She had beautiful smooth skin, big tits, perfect hips and legs.
This Doctor saw opportunity to take advantage of her. He gave her a pelvic exam and massaged her G spot, her clit and then masturbated her. He said everything worked, but she just needed ‘sex lessons’. She like his ‘treatment’ and he had made her very sexually excited. She wanted to go back once a week for his ’special’ treatment. He continued masturbating her each week and showed her things that stimulated her sexually. She liked this even more. ‘Sex lessons‘, she called it.
He would always give her a ‘special pill’ at the start of the appointment and then he started showing her about kissing and feeling her body. She kept his ‘treatment’ very secret, but loved him turning her on each week. After he got her very hot, then he would always masturbated her on the table. She was loving all this and found she was having urges to have sex with him. “Show me more, Doctor.” she would say to him. He would say: “Ok”, and then go further each time.
He would unhook her bra and feel her tits. He started kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Next he would lift up her patient gown, and began to kiss her pussy. He licked it and sucked on her clit as she bucked her hips with delight. He had her feel his boner and then suck on it all in the name of ’sex lessons’. One appointment he was masturbating her while she sucked on his boner. She blurted out to put his boner in her and show her how to fuck real good.
He said: “No, I can’t do that. You’ll have to find someone else to do that.”
She said: “But my husband won’t even talk about sex. He just has sex with me for about two minutes and then he’s done. That’s the end of our sex life. I try to turn him on, but I guess I need practice.
After the session, she thought as she drove home….’I know, I’ll ask Johnny to help me.’
That’s when she thought of me, Johnny, her son. Not knowing all this yet, I was 16 and I loved my mom’s hot body and I fantasized about fucking her many times.
That next day, it started. Mom came in my room after dad had left for work. She had on a see through night gown. I could see her big red bra, and red panties thru her white night gown. I was still in bed and she sat down beside me to have a talk with me. She explained her problem and wanted to ’just practice’ turning me on.
I didn’t know what to say at first, but finally the idea sound pretty hot to me and I said ’ok’ …’just for practice’, I’ll do it. The idea sounded hotter and hotter the more I thought about it. I was to tell her ’if’ and ’how much’ she was turning me on. I said ’ok’. She said first she had to go take a pill.
She came back about 20 minutes later. I lay in bed anxiously waiting. She whispered: (“…watch this.”) She began to slowly take her bra shoulder straps down while she still had her night gown on. Damn, she was going to do a strip for me right now.
She looked hot as she took down the shoulder straps and wiggled her arms out of them. She dropped the top of her night gown down to just below her bra. She turned around and sat with her back to me. She asked me to unhook her bra. She reached back and guided my hands to the hooks. When I unhooked it, she guided my hands under her loose bra around to her front and now my hands were full of both of her hot tits. She said: “If you feel ’turned on’, go ahead and feel them all you want.”
I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. Mom had nice full tits, so I proceeded to feel them. She and I were breathing hard as I felt them and her hard nipples. I had never seen her sexually excited, and it was exciting me. Those ‘special’ pills were making her horny, no doubt about it.
She was using me to test out her sex appeal. She became like a hungry animal as she got aggressive with me. She turned, pushed me back on my bed. She jerked her bra out and, opened up her night gown and laid on top of me. Her big tits were bare against my chest. She put her head down by my ear and began to….well…I’d call it ..’moaning talk’. Her voice was soft, sexy and she kinda whispered. She moaned as she talked with little ’oooo’s’. She was breathing hard and her pussy was resting right on my dick. She asked me: “ …feel my body …Johnny.”
I closed my eyes and put my hands under her night gown. Her skin was very warm as she squirmed on top of me. I felt the sides of her tits and down to her ass. She got kinda hyper and her hands were all over me. She was breathing heavy in my ear. She was feeling me up and kissed my neck. She did some more moaning talk….
“….oh baby, you’d like to have sex with me, wouldn’t you Johnny. You want me bad, don’t you. I want you to want me, tell me how much I turn you on and you want me bad….tell me…say it…”
I was in shock as I have never seen my mom act this way. I told her how I felt. “Mom, you’re the hottest mom ever. You turn me on perfect….I’m getting a boner…and… “
She was rubbing her pussy on my boner now. “YES!…go on!” she said. I was in shock at her actions. She acted like she was going to rape me or something. I said: “Yes, you turn me on a lot and yes, I’d like to have sex with you.”
That was just the first morning. The next morning as soon at dad’s car left, here she came again. She had already taken her pill. She came in with a new pink nightie that left her half naked. A tiny top barely covering her ’no bra’ tits, and tiny little panties. She spun around for me to admire it, and her. She laid on top of me again and started that moan talk again. “You liked that, mmmmm, didn’t you Johnny. I can feel your erection under me.
I need your help.
I need to be masturbated bad. I’ll show you what to do.
My mind was going crazy. Fantasizing about my mom was one thing…but… actually doing something, that was something entirely different. She didn’t wait for my answer and laid us on our sides. She took off her nightie and little panties. She took my hand and put it on her wet pussy. My dick went to max hard instantly. Next thing I knew, she had three of my fingers in her wet pussy. She had her legs wide open and used both her hands to push and work my fingers in and out of her pussy. She had me massage her big clit with my other hand.
This was crazy, but I was loving it. She whispered for me to feel around for a certain area called her ‘good’ spot. She instructed me and I went right to it.
I was fingering my mom and liking it. She began to moan and held my wrist tight with both hands. She use my fingers as a dick in her. I was masturbating my own mom.
“That’s it Johnny…that’s it baby…oooo….you got it….this turns you on, doesn’t it. You wish it was your boner in me, don’t you…you can say it, tell me how bad you want to have sex with me…..say it.”
I told her what she wanted to hear.
I got to listen and watch my own mom orgasm with my fingers in her warm wet pussy.
I shot a load in my pajama bottoms.
————-
I had fucked several girls at my age and ate pussy too. This was changing everything. All I could think about was my mom and how hot she was making me. I had wonderful wet dreams about fucking her, eating her warm pussy and her giving me wonderful blow jobs. All these things I hoped….were headed in that direction for real.
Each morning got hotter. When I didn’t think it could get any better.
I waited for mom to come to my room. She would spot my boner and smile. “Already turning you on, am I?” she would say. She would do her sexy tease dance, and watch my eyes get excited.
This morning she told me she wanted to turn me on a new way. She took off my pajama bottoms and started feeling my hard dick. She slowly jacked me and then leaned over and started sucking on my boner.
I went into shock.
She said: “You let me know how I’m doing Johnny, ok?” She got naked and turned herself to go 69. Her wet pussy was staring me in the face. She reached down and pulled my head into her pussy as she began sucking on my dick. She lifted one leg. Opening her pussy wide. How could I resist. She pulled my head into her pussy. “Is that a turn on Johnny?….put your fingers in me like I taught you.” she said. I went for her ’good’ spot and listened as she moaned.
She teased my boner with her tongue. I would just about cum, and she would pull off and do something else. She began to push her clit to my lips and started humping my face. I couldn’t hold off cuming any longer. She seemed to know it and put my dick all the way in her mouth.
I exploded my cum in her mouth. She moaned a victory moan and then held my head and face fucked my tongue hard. She orgasmed a big one. My dick just kept pumping cum in her mouth as she rubbed my face on her pussy and shook hard. I got dizzy it felt so good. Finally she said: “Wow, I must have really turned you on Johnny!….that was fantastic!”
I didn’t have any cum on me, she had licked it all off and swallowed it all.
Sex with mom was the best ever. She wants to be desired, and now I’m going to make her squirm with desire for me. I now dream of fucking her all the time. She got me so hot for her, it’s time to turn her on, like she does me.
After our showers, I had time until dad gets home. She wasn’t expecting me to start turning her on. She wore her robe most of today. I knew she had nothing on under it, but I sure knew what was under it. She had such a smooth hot body. Such nice tits and sexy legs. I found her in the laundry room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her. She sighed big and leaned her head back on me. I whispered: (“..mom, you shouldn’t wear this sexy robe around the house, a guy could come up behind you and molest you. I know you wouldn’t want that. He might just want you so bad he’d feel your tits
( I reached in her robe and felt her nice tits.), feel your ass, ( ran my hand over her naked ass) and reach thru your robe and feel your warm pussy. (I felt her pubic hair and ran a finger down her damp slit.) She was gasping for air now. She moaned out between breaths : “Oh…thank you…. Johnny…..I…never thought about that…will you protect me from a guy…. who wants me so bad, he would put his… hands on my body…and make me all hot…and horny…you know how….I might not want that…..”
Megan thought…. Oh my god…I’m so elated at Johnny’s lust for me.
It was suppose to be a test to see if I could still turn a man on. I didn’t think about his reaction to my turning him on.
That tells me it’s dad, and not me.
I haven’t been turned on by a guy in a very long time. I want a lot more of this from Johnny. His hands have got me so horny, I’m dizzy. He’s making me want to have sex with him so bad. I don’t have the will power to stop this. Keep going Johnny…just keep going….
Johnny’s thoughts….Her little test showed she can really turn on a guy. I don’t know what dad’s problem is but I want to have total sex with mom. We both want it, and it’s going to happen.
I started feeling her body all over from behind her. I slowly took off her robe, I let her robe drop to the floor. She was shaking, waiting for my next move. I lowered my shorts. My boner was sticking between her legs. She moaned and back up tight to me. She spread her legs apart and leaned down on the washer. My boner went in her wet pussy by itself.
I held her smooth hips and started our first fuck. Her pussy was wet and warm as my dick slid in all the way. She began to moan and fucking back on me.
Megan thought… Oh damn Johnny, you feel so good in me, fuck me like I’ve wanted for so long now. I’ve never been fucked from behind before. I’ve got a thousand new hot feelings….oooo fuck me hard and make me climax hard…I need it…I need it bad…cum in me baby…I want to feel you shoot it in me…Oh god it’s happening…..oh baby yes….
Johnny’s reaction…My boner fits in her so hot, I’m going to hold her tits when I cum…I have to cum now…ooooo damn….
She fucked back on my boner so fast, her ass was a blur. She was moaning so loud, as our bodies were slapping together…. she made me cum extra hard. I jerked and shoved my cum in her deep, over and over. My mind went crazy and my legs got weak. She could somehow squeeze her pussy on my boner. It felt out of this world.
She held onto my hands on her tits and just kept fucking and fucking as she kept moaning wonderful sounds. Damn my boner felt hot in her. We squirmed and gasp in euphoria. Her body and mine shook and twitched as it felt so damn good.
There is nothing like the first time…….
Megan….
I’m shaking inside so bad with best climax I’ve ever had. My whole body climaxed, not just my pussy. The feel of his hot cum shooting in me made me go crazy with pleasure. He’s mine…all mine. He better get ready to have a lot of sex with me….I’ve found what has been missing in my sex life. Mmmmm just leave it to me Johnny and cum some more baby…oh…that feels so damn good…mmmmmm…
—————
Johnny reflects…
Mom’s little horny pills opened the door for us. Now she doesn’t take them.
She tells me that ‘I’m’ her little horny pill now.
I think we’ve fucked in every room in the house now, even on the kitchen table and in dad‘s chair.
She fucks like a 16 year old,…only…
…. a whole lot better….
—————

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Mom’s Horney Pills

Mom’s Horny Pills r
My mom Megan, felt she was not performing in bed very well. She didn’t get dad, who was way older, turned on anymore. She didn’t want dad to stray to another woman so she went to the Doctor.
This was a new Doctor, and he was a young guy which she felt may be better suited for her problem. She told him she wanted to turn her husband on and be hotter in bed for him.
Mom had a killer hot body. She had beautiful smooth skin, big tits, perfect hips and legs.
This Doctor saw opportunity to take advantage of her. He gave her a pelvic exam and massaged her G spot, her clit and then masturbated her. He said everything worked, but she just needed ‘sex lessons’. She like his ‘treatment’ and he had made her very sexually excited. She wanted to go back once a week for his ’special’ treatment. He continued masturbating her each week and showed her things that stimulated her sexually. She liked this even more. ‘Sex lessons‘, she called it.
He would always give her a ‘special pill’ at the start of the appointment and then he started showing her about kissing and feeling her body. She kept his ‘treatment’ very secret, but loved him turning her on each week. After he got her very hot, then he would always masturbated her on the table. She was loving all this and found she was having urges to have sex with him. “Show me more, Doctor.” she would say to him. He would say: “Ok”, and then go further each time.
He would unhook her bra and feel her tits. He started kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Next he would lift up her patient gown, and began to kiss her pussy. He licked it and sucked on her clit as she bucked her hips with delight. He had her feel his boner and then suck on it all in the name of ’sex lessons’. One appointment he was masturbating her while she sucked on his boner. She blurted out to put his boner in her and show her how to fuck real good.
He said: “No, I can’t do that. You’ll have to find someone else to do that.”
She said: “But my husband won’t even talk about sex. He just has sex with me for about two minutes and then he’s done. That’s the end of our sex life. I try to turn him on, but I guess I need practice.
After the session, she thought as she drove home….’I know, I’ll ask Johnny to help me.’
That’s when she thought of me, Johnny, her son. Not knowing all this yet, I was 16 and I loved my mom’s hot body and I fantasized about fucking her many times.
That next day, it started. Mom came in my room after dad had left for work. She had on a see through night gown. I could see her big red bra, and red panties thru her white night gown. I was still in bed and she sat down beside me to have a talk with me. She explained her problem and wanted to ’just practice’ turning me on.
I didn’t know what to say at first, but finally the idea sound pretty hot to me and I said ’ok’ …’just for practice’, I’ll do it. The idea sounded hotter and hotter the more I thought about it. I was to tell her ’if’ and ’how much’ she was turning me on. I said ’ok’. She said first she had to go take a pill.
She came back about 20 minutes later. I lay in bed anxiously waiting. She whispered: (“…watch this.”) She began to slowly take her bra shoulder straps down while she still had her night gown on. Damn, she was going to do a strip for me right now.
She looked hot as she took down the shoulder straps and wiggled her arms out of them. She dropped the top of her night gown down to just below her bra. She turned around and sat with her back to me. She asked me to unhook her bra. She reached back and guided my hands to the hooks. When I unhooked it, she guided my hands under her loose bra around to her front and now my hands were full of both of her hot tits. She said: “If you feel ’turned on’, go ahead and feel them all you want.”
I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. Mom had nice full tits, so I proceeded to feel them. She and I were breathing hard as I felt them and her hard nipples. I had never seen her sexually excited, and it was exciting me. Those ‘special’ pills were making her horny, no doubt about it.
She was using me to test out her sex appeal. She became like a hungry animal as she got aggressive with me. She turned, pushed me back on my bed. She jerked her bra out and, opened up her night gown and laid on top of me. Her big tits were bare against my chest. She put her head down by my ear and began to….well…I’d call it ..’moaning talk’. Her voice was soft, sexy and she kinda whispered. She moaned as she talked with little ’oooo’s’. She was breathing hard and her pussy was resting right on my dick. She asked me: “ …feel my body …Johnny.”
I closed my eyes and put my hands under her night gown. Her skin was very warm as she squirmed on top of me. I felt the sides of her tits and down to her ass. She got kinda hyper and her hands were all over me. She was breathing heavy in my ear. She was feeling me up and kissed my neck. She did some more moaning talk….
“….oh baby, you’d like to have sex with me, wouldn’t you Johnny. You want me bad, don’t you. I want you to want me, tell me how much I turn you on and you want me bad….tell me…say it…”
I was in shock as I have never seen my mom act this way. I told her how I felt. “Mom, you’re the hottest mom ever. You turn me on perfect….I’m getting a boner…and… “
She was rubbing her pussy on my boner now. “YES!…go on!” she said. I was in shock at her actions. She acted like she was going to rape me or something. I said: “Yes, you turn me on a lot and yes, I’d like to have sex with you.”
That was just the first morning. The next morning as soon at dad’s car left, here she came again. She had already taken her pill. She came in with a new pink nightie that left her half naked. A tiny top barely covering her ’no bra’ tits, and tiny little panties. She spun around for me to admire it, and her. She laid on top of me again and started that moan talk again. “You liked that, mmmmm, didn’t you Johnny. I can feel your erection under me.
I need your help.
I need to be masturbated bad. I’ll show you what to do.
My mind was going crazy. Fantasizing about my mom was one thing…but… actually doing something, that was something entirely different. She didn’t wait for my answer and laid us on our sides. She took off her nightie and little panties. She took my hand and put it on her wet pussy. My dick went to max hard instantly. Next thing I knew, she had three of my fingers in her wet pussy. She had her legs wide open and used both her hands to push and work my fingers in and out of her pussy. She had me massage her big clit with my other hand.
This was crazy, but I was loving it. She whispered for me to feel around for a certain area called her ‘good’ spot. She instructed me and I went right to it.
I was fingering my mom and liking it. She began to moan and held my wrist tight with both hands. She use my fingers as a dick in her. I was masturbating my own mom.
“That’s it Johnny…that’s it baby…oooo….you got it….this turns you on, doesn’t it. You wish it was your boner in me, don’t you…you can say it, tell me how bad you want to have sex with me…..say it.”
I told her what she wanted to hear.
I got to listen and watch my own mom orgasm with my fingers in her warm wet pussy.
I shot a load in my pajama bottoms.
————-
I had fucked several girls at my age and ate pussy too. This was changing everything. All I could think about was my mom and how hot she was making me. I had wonderful wet dreams about fucking her, eating her warm pussy and her giving me wonderful blow jobs. All these things I hoped….were headed in that direction for real.
Each morning got hotter. When I didn’t think it could get any better.
I waited for mom to come to my room. She would spot my boner and smile. “Already turning you on, am I?” she would say. She would do her sexy tease dance, and watch my eyes get excited.
This morning she told me she wanted to turn me on a new way. She took off my pajama bottoms and started feeling my hard dick. She slowly jacked me and then leaned over and started sucking on my boner.
I went into shock.
She said: “You let me know how I’m doing Johnny, ok?” She got naked and turned herself to go 69. Her wet pussy was staring me in the face. She reached down and pulled my head into her pussy as she began sucking on my dick. She lifted one leg. Opening her pussy wide. How could I resist. She pulled my head into her pussy. “Is that a turn on Johnny?….put your fingers in me like I taught you.” she said. I went for her ’good’ spot and listened as she moaned.
She teased my boner with her tongue. I would just about cum, and she would pull off and do something else. She began to push her clit to my lips and started humping my face. I couldn’t hold off cuming any longer. She seemed to know it and put my dick all the way in her mouth.
I exploded my cum in her mouth. She moaned a victory moan and then held my head and face fucked my tongue hard. She orgasmed a big one. My dick just kept pumping cum in her mouth as she rubbed my face on her pussy and shook hard. I got dizzy it felt so good. Finally she said: “Wow, I must have really turned you on Johnny!….that was fantastic!”
I didn’t have any cum on me, she had licked it all off and swallowed it all.
Sex with mom was the best ever. She wants to be desired, and now I’m going to make her squirm with desire for me. I now dream of fucking her all the time. She got me so hot for her, it’s time to turn her on, like she does me.
After our showers, I had time until dad gets home. She wasn’t expecting me to start turning her on. She wore her robe most of today. I knew she had nothing on under it, but I sure knew what was under it. She had such a smooth hot body. Such nice tits and sexy legs. I found her in the laundry room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her. She sighed big and leaned her head back on me. I whispered: (“..mom, you shouldn’t wear this sexy robe around the house, a guy could come up behind you and molest you. I know you wouldn’t want that. He might just want you so bad he’d feel your tits
( I reached in her robe and felt her nice tits.), feel your ass, ( ran my hand over her naked ass) and reach thru your robe and feel your warm pussy. (I felt her pubic hair and ran a finger down her damp slit.) She was gasping for air now. She moaned out between breaths : “Oh…thank you…. Johnny…..I…never thought about that…will you protect me from a guy…. who wants me so bad, he would put his… hands on my body…and make me all hot…and horny…you know how….I might not want that…..”
Megan thought…. Oh my god…I’m so elated at Johnny’s lust for me.
It was suppose to be a test to see if I could still turn a man on. I didn’t think about his reaction to my turning him on.
That tells me it’s dad, and not me.
I haven’t been turned on by a guy in a very long time. I want a lot more of this from Johnny. His hands have got me so horny, I’m dizzy. He’s making me want to have sex with him so bad. I don’t have the will power to stop this. Keep going Johnny…just keep going….
Johnny’s thoughts….Her little test showed she can really turn on a guy. I don’t know what dad’s problem is but I want to have total sex with mom. We both want it, and it’s going to happen.
I started feeling her body all over from behind her. I slowly took off her robe, I let her robe drop to the floor. She was shaking, waiting for my next move. I lowered my shorts. My boner was sticking between her legs. She moaned and back up tight to me. She spread her legs apart and leaned down on the washer. My boner went in her wet pussy by itself.
I held her smooth hips and started our first fuck. Her pussy was wet and warm as my dick slid in all the way. She began to moan and fucking back on me.
Megan thought… Oh damn Johnny, you feel so good in me, fuck me like I’ve wanted for so long now. I’ve never been fucked from behind before. I’ve got a thousand new hot feelings….oooo fuck me hard and make me climax hard…I need it…I need it bad…cum in me baby…I want to feel you shoot it in me…Oh god it’s happening…..oh baby yes….
Johnny’s reaction…My boner fits in her so hot, I’m going to hold her tits when I cum…I have to cum now…ooooo damn….
She fucked back on my boner so fast, her ass was a blur. She was moaning so loud, as our bodies were slapping together…. she made me cum extra hard. I jerked and shoved my cum in her deep, over and over. My mind went crazy and my legs got weak. She could somehow squeeze her pussy on my boner. It felt out of this world.
She held onto my hands on her tits and just kept fucking and fucking as she kept moaning wonderful sounds. Damn my boner felt hot in her. We squirmed and gasp in euphoria. Her body and mine shook and twitched as it felt so damn good.
There is nothing like the first time…….
Megan….
I’m shaking inside so bad with best climax I’ve ever had. My whole body climaxed, not just my pussy. The feel of his hot cum shooting in me made me go crazy with pleasure. He’s mine…all mine. He better get ready to have a lot of sex with me….I’ve found what has been missing in my sex life. Mmmmm just leave it to me Johnny and cum some more baby…oh…that feels so damn good…mmmmmm…
—————
Johnny reflects…
Mom’s little horny pills opened the door for us. Now she doesn’t take them.
She tells me that ‘I’m’ her little horny pill now.
I think we’ve fucked in every room in the house now, even on the kitchen table and in dad‘s chair.
She fucks like a 16 year old,…only…
…. a whole lot better….
—————

Read 165522 times |
Rated 92.3 % |
(973 votes)

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Mom’s Horney Pills

Mom’s Horny Pills r
My mom Megan, felt she was not performing in bed very well. She didn’t get dad, who was way older, turned on anymore. She didn’t want dad to stray to another woman so she went to the Doctor.
This was a new Doctor, and he was a young guy which she felt may be better suited for her problem. She told him she wanted to turn her husband on and be hotter in bed for him.
Mom had a killer hot body. She had beautiful smooth skin, big tits, perfect hips and legs.
This Doctor saw opportunity to take advantage of her. He gave her a pelvic exam and massaged her G spot, her clit and then masturbated her. He said everything worked, but she just needed ‘sex lessons’. She like his ‘treatment’ and he had made her very sexually excited. She wanted to go back once a week for his ’special’ treatment. He continued masturbating her each week and showed her things that stimulated her sexually. She liked this even more. ‘Sex lessons‘, she called it.
He would always give her a ‘special pill’ at the start of the appointment and then he started showing her about kissing and feeling her body. She kept his ‘treatment’ very secret, but loved him turning her on each week. After he got her very hot, then he would always masturbated her on the table. She was loving all this and found she was having urges to have sex with him. “Show me more, Doctor.” she would say to him. He would say: “Ok”, and then go further each time.
He would unhook her bra and feel her tits. He started kissing them and sucking on her nipples. Next he would lift up her patient gown, and began to kiss her pussy. He licked it and sucked on her clit as she bucked her hips with delight. He had her feel his boner and then suck on it all in the name of ’sex lessons’. One appointment he was masturbating her while she sucked on his boner. She blurted out to put his boner in her and show her how to fuck real good.
He said: “No, I can’t do that. You’ll have to find someone else to do that.”
She said: “But my husband won’t even talk about sex. He just has sex with me for about two minutes and then he’s done. That’s the end of our sex life. I try to turn him on, but I guess I need practice.
After the session, she thought as she drove home….’I know, I’ll ask Johnny to help me.’
That’s when she thought of me, Johnny, her son. Not knowing all this yet, I was 16 and I loved my mom’s hot body and I fantasized about fucking her many times.
That next day, it started. Mom came in my room after dad had left for work. She had on a see through night gown. I could see her big red bra, and red panties thru her white night gown. I was still in bed and she sat down beside me to have a talk with me. She explained her problem and wanted to ’just practice’ turning me on.
I didn’t know what to say at first, but finally the idea sound pretty hot to me and I said ’ok’ …’just for practice’, I’ll do it. The idea sounded hotter and hotter the more I thought about it. I was to tell her ’if’ and ’how much’ she was turning me on. I said ’ok’. She said first she had to go take a pill.
She came back about 20 minutes later. I lay in bed anxiously waiting. She whispered: (“…watch this.”) She began to slowly take her bra shoulder straps down while she still had her night gown on. Damn, she was going to do a strip for me right now.
She looked hot as she took down the shoulder straps and wiggled her arms out of them. She dropped the top of her night gown down to just below her bra. She turned around and sat with her back to me. She asked me to unhook her bra. She reached back and guided my hands to the hooks. When I unhooked it, she guided my hands under her loose bra around to her front and now my hands were full of both of her hot tits. She said: “If you feel ’turned on’, go ahead and feel them all you want.”
I couldn’t believe the luck I was having. Mom had nice full tits, so I proceeded to feel them. She and I were breathing hard as I felt them and her hard nipples. I had never seen her sexually excited, and it was exciting me. Those ‘special’ pills were making her horny, no doubt about it.
She was using me to test out her sex appeal. She became like a hungry animal as she got aggressive with me. She turned, pushed me back on my bed. She jerked her bra out and, opened up her night gown and laid on top of me. Her big tits were bare against my chest. She put her head down by my ear and began to….well…I’d call it ..’moaning talk’. Her voice was soft, sexy and she kinda whispered. She moaned as she talked with little ’oooo’s’. She was breathing hard and her pussy was resting right on my dick. She asked me: “ …feel my body …Johnny.”
I closed my eyes and put my hands under her night gown. Her skin was very warm as she squirmed on top of me. I felt the sides of her tits and down to her ass. She got kinda hyper and her hands were all over me. She was breathing heavy in my ear. She was feeling me up and kissed my neck. She did some more moaning talk….
“….oh baby, you’d like to have sex with me, wouldn’t you Johnny. You want me bad, don’t you. I want you to want me, tell me how much I turn you on and you want me bad….tell me…say it…”
I was in shock as I have never seen my mom act this way. I told her how I felt. “Mom, you’re the hottest mom ever. You turn me on perfect….I’m getting a boner…and… “
She was rubbing her pussy on my boner now. “YES!…go on!” she said. I was in shock at her actions. She acted like she was going to rape me or something. I said: “Yes, you turn me on a lot and yes, I’d like to have sex with you.”
That was just the first morning. The next morning as soon at dad’s car left, here she came again. She had already taken her pill. She came in with a new pink nightie that left her half naked. A tiny top barely covering her ’no bra’ tits, and tiny little panties. She spun around for me to admire it, and her. She laid on top of me again and started that moan talk again. “You liked that, mmmmm, didn’t you Johnny. I can feel your erection under me.
I need your help.
I need to be masturbated bad. I’ll show you what to do.
My mind was going crazy. Fantasizing about my mom was one thing…but… actually doing something, that was something entirely different. She didn’t wait for my answer and laid us on our sides. She took off her nightie and little panties. She took my hand and put it on her wet pussy. My dick went to max hard instantly. Next thing I knew, she had three of my fingers in her wet pussy. She had her legs wide open and used both her hands to push and work my fingers in and out of her pussy. She had me massage her big clit with my other hand.
This was crazy, but I was loving it. She whispered for me to feel around for a certain area called her ‘good’ spot. She instructed me and I went right to it.
I was fingering my mom and liking it. She began to moan and held my wrist tight with both hands. She use my fingers as a dick in her. I was masturbating my own mom.
“That’s it Johnny…that’s it baby…oooo….you got it….this turns you on, doesn’t it. You wish it was your boner in me, don’t you…you can say it, tell me how bad you want to have sex with me…..say it.”
I told her what she wanted to hear.
I got to listen and watch my own mom orgasm with my fingers in her warm wet pussy.
I shot a load in my pajama bottoms.
————-
I had fucked several girls at my age and ate pussy too. This was changing everything. All I could think about was my mom and how hot she was making me. I had wonderful wet dreams about fucking her, eating her warm pussy and her giving me wonderful blow jobs. All these things I hoped….were headed in that direction for real.
Each morning got hotter. When I didn’t think it could get any better.
I waited for mom to come to my room. She would spot my boner and smile. “Already turning you on, am I?” she would say. She would do her sexy tease dance, and watch my eyes get excited.
This morning she told me she wanted to turn me on a new way. She took off my pajama bottoms and started feeling my hard dick. She slowly jacked me and then leaned over and started sucking on my boner.
I went into shock.
She said: “You let me know how I’m doing Johnny, ok?” She got naked and turned herself to go 69. Her wet pussy was staring me in the face. She reached down and pulled my head into her pussy as she began sucking on my dick. She lifted one leg. Opening her pussy wide. How could I resist. She pulled my head into her pussy. “Is that a turn on Johnny?….put your fingers in me like I taught you.” she said. I went for her ’good’ spot and listened as she moaned.
She teased my boner with her tongue. I would just about cum, and she would pull off and do something else. She began to push her clit to my lips and started humping my face. I couldn’t hold off cuming any longer. She seemed to know it and put my dick all the way in her mouth.
I exploded my cum in her mouth. She moaned a victory moan and then held my head and face fucked my tongue hard. She orgasmed a big one. My dick just kept pumping cum in her mouth as she rubbed my face on her pussy and shook hard. I got dizzy it felt so good. Finally she said: “Wow, I must have really turned you on Johnny!….that was fantastic!”
I didn’t have any cum on me, she had licked it all off and swallowed it all.
Sex with mom was the best ever. She wants to be desired, and now I’m going to make her squirm with desire for me. I now dream of fucking her all the time. She got me so hot for her, it’s time to turn her on, like she does me.
After our showers, I had time until dad gets home. She wasn’t expecting me to start turning her on. She wore her robe most of today. I knew she had nothing on under it, but I sure knew what was under it. She had such a smooth hot body. Such nice tits and sexy legs. I found her in the laundry room. I came up behind her and put my arms around her. She sighed big and leaned her head back on me. I whispered: (“..mom, you shouldn’t wear this sexy robe around the house, a guy could come up behind you and molest you. I know you wouldn’t want that. He might just want you so bad he’d feel your tits
( I reached in her robe and felt her nice tits.), feel your ass, ( ran my hand over her naked ass) and reach thru your robe and feel your warm pussy. (I felt her pubic hair and ran a finger down her damp slit.) She was gasping for air now. She moaned out between breaths : “Oh…thank you…. Johnny…..I…never thought about that…will you protect me from a guy…. who wants me so bad, he would put his… hands on my body…and make me all hot…and horny…you know how….I might not want that…..”
Megan thought…. Oh my god…I’m so elated at Johnny’s lust for me.
It was suppose to be a test to see if I could still turn a man on. I didn’t think about his reaction to my turning him on.
That tells me it’s dad, and not me.
I haven’t been turned on by a guy in a very long time. I want a lot more of this from Johnny. His hands have got me so horny, I’m dizzy. He’s making me want to have sex with him so bad. I don’t have the will power to stop this. Keep going Johnny…just keep going….
Johnny’s thoughts….Her little test showed she can really turn on a guy. I don’t know what dad’s problem is but I want to have total sex with mom. We both want it, and it’s going to happen.
I started feeling her body all over from behind her. I slowly took off her robe, I let her robe drop to the floor. She was shaking, waiting for my next move. I lowered my shorts. My boner was sticking between her legs. She moaned and back up tight to me. She spread her legs apart and leaned down on the washer. My boner went in her wet pussy by itself.
I held her smooth hips and started our first fuck. Her pussy was wet and warm as my dick slid in all the way. She began to moan and fucking back on me.
Megan thought… Oh damn Johnny, you feel so good in me, fuck me like I’ve wanted for so long now. I’ve never been fucked from behind before. I’ve got a thousand new hot feelings….oooo fuck me hard and make me climax hard…I need it…I need it bad…cum in me baby…I want to feel you shoot it in me…Oh god it’s happening…..oh baby yes….
Johnny’s reaction…My boner fits in her so hot, I’m going to hold her tits when I cum…I have to cum now…ooooo damn….
She fucked back on my boner so fast, her ass was a blur. She was moaning so loud, as our bodies were slapping together…. she made me cum extra hard. I jerked and shoved my cum in her deep, over and over. My mind went crazy and my legs got weak. She could somehow squeeze her pussy on my boner. It felt out of this world.
She held onto my hands on her tits and just kept fucking and fucking as she kept moaning wonderful sounds. Damn my boner felt hot in her. We squirmed and gasp in euphoria. Her body and mine shook and twitched as it felt so damn good.
There is nothing like the first time…….
Megan….
I’m shaking inside so bad with best climax I’ve ever had. My whole body climaxed, not just my pussy. The feel of his hot cum shooting in me made me go crazy with pleasure. He’s mine…all mine. He better get ready to have a lot of sex with me….I’ve found what has been missing in my sex life. Mmmmm just leave it to me Johnny and cum some more baby…oh…that feels so damn good…mmmmmm…
—————
Johnny reflects…
Mom’s little horny pills opened the door for us. Now she doesn’t take them.
She tells me that ‘I’m’ her little horny pill now.
I think we’ve fucked in every room in the house now, even on the kitchen table and in dad‘s chair.
She fucks like a 16 year old,…only…
…. a whole lot better….
—————

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Trafficked Love Ch. 5

— THIS STORY CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT AND VULGAR LANGUAGE. It is fictional and does not depict real people or events. — Call girl, Angel, believes there’s nothing nothing more to life than what she is doing now. But when she falls in love with an undercover cop, and things get heated between her and her pimp, Angel searches for answers. Is this really all she is destined for? Could she escape if she wanted to? Would the outside world accept her if she left this lifestyle behind?

One Step Ahead – Part 3

Starting to get into the sex. Lots more to come after this. Please let me know what you think. I appreciate the feedback whether it’s positive or negative.Part 3
Once I’d decided that I was going to get revenge on Mindy it felt as if a weight had been taken off my chest. I was going to find a way to release the rage and pain. I started going through my options for how to get back at Mindy.
The first thing that occurred to me was to physically overpower her. There was a unbelievable appeal to this; I was surprised how appealing the idea of controlling her was to me, but I was more than willing willing to work with it. Despite the initial appeal of the idea, the more I thought about it the more it seemed like it was iffy at best.
I had no desire to get into a war with Mindy where I would use my size and strength but she would use handcuffs or whatever else whenever I was sleeping. No, I needed to have something to hold over her head, I needed to find a way to make it so that should couldn’t retaliate.
Some sort of blackmail was the obvious solution, but I knew Mindy well enough to know her general actions on a day to day basis and I was fairly sure that she didn’t get up to anything worth blackmailing over. Besides, even if she was doing something, she was technically a single widow so how bad would it be? I doubted the repercussions would affect her even if I could dig something up.
I thought about financials too and while it was possible she was stealing money or something else that was wrong, it seemed incredibly unlikely. Mindy had cards with no limit and in her current life could do anything she wanted, she had no reason to steal anything. I also knew that she could just walk away if need be. My dad had made sure that Mindy would get enough money that she wouldn’t be strapped for cash for a long time, if ever, even if she left our lives completely.
I needed leverage that was undeniably wrong and associated with her as a person so she couldn’t just leave if the shit hit the fan. I figured the only thing like that would be a criminal record. It occurred to me that molestation was a criminal charge so what she was doing to ME was illegal… I was fairly sure that the age of consent in my state was 16 but there was no consenting in any of the things that Mindy had done to me. I needed to capture her in the act of abusing me.
I didn’t know yet how I wanted to go about catching Mindy in the act, but by my math I had some time to figure it out. My aunt and uncle would be home the following afternoon. I didn’t want a repeat of this morning so I’d just stay out overnight. I could crash at a hotel. So long as I was home before my aunt and uncle arrived I doubted that Mindy would make an issue out of it. That meant that if I could dodge tomorrow morning I would have two and a half weeks until my aunt and uncle were out of town again, leaving me alone with Mindy.
They were going to Japan or China or something for that trip and would be gone for two and a half weeks so I knew that I needed to have my plan figured by then or those two weeks would be a living hell for me.
I wasn’t sure where to begin looking for assistance on how to catch her but I knew someone who might know how to get me what I needed. I called my dad’s lawyer. I didn’t know Francis extremely well, but I knew him pretty well all things considered. He’d been at my birthday parties before and I know that my dad had considered him to be nearly family. Going to Francis to ask to put me in touch with someone who knew about covert surveillance would probably be an awkward conversation, but a 16 year old kid is probably a weird enough client that he’d just shrug it off to me being a teen boy. I was worried that maybe he’d tell my uncle, or, even worse, Mindy, but it was a risk I was willing to take so called him and to hell with the consequences.
His assistant answered after only a single ring. I asked her to put me through to him.
“Jason! This is an unexpected call. Before we get to what you’re calling about I want you to know that you don’t need to call my office. Let me give you my personal phone number, it’ll go right through unless I’m in a meeting or already on a call.”
He sounded genuinely happy to hear from me which emboldened me to get down to business.
“I’ll make sure to do so in the future. Francis, I have a couple of questions for you that are not in and of themselves wrong, but before I ask I need to know if our conversations will be passed on to anyone else.”
He paused for a few seconds as if to gather his thoughts before replying, “Jason, your relationship with your lawyer is one of the few relationships where you can tell me literally anything and be confident that I won’t say a word to another soul. After your father’s passing I’ve considered myself to be your lawyer. My invoices are paid by your accounts and any of our conversations, no matter the content, will remain between you and I without another soul knowing. Not your uncle. Not your aunt. Not your step mom. I really mean that. I hope that we have years left to work together, and I hope that we can be friends, but know that regardless of that nothing you tell me will ever be passed on to another soul.”
I didn’t quite breathe a sigh of relief, but I wanted to. “Well I’m very glad to hear that. I don’t think that I have any business secrets that can’t get out and I have no mistresses to hide from my wife, but I’m glad to know that when my life is at its worst I’ll have one place I can surely go.
“I have two questions to put to you. The first question is when are you free to grab a lunch. I’ve been out of touch with what’s happening and I’d really appreciate if you could take a few hours to explain to me where my business stands, how my finances are, and anything else you might think is pertinent for me to know. Second, I’d really appreciate if you could put me in contact with a PI who specializes in covertly, and remotely capturing evidence.”
“As to the first, I’m sure that we can make that happen as soon as this Friday, but I’ll have my assistant give you a call when we finish and she can give you more definite dates. I’ll make sure she knows it’s a priority to find a time that is convenient for you. As to the second, a few names are coming to mind but I’ll ask around to make sure I find the best. Are you looking to hire their services or just get a consult? If you’re looking to hire we can handle that for you,” Francis replied.
“I think that right now I’m only looking to get a consult but if I need to hire them for anything I’ll be sure to let you know,” I said.
We said our goodbyes then he put me on with his assistant to find a good date to get some lunch and learn about everything that was mine in this world (while I wanted to learn this I had other things on my mind so I pushed it out a few weeks). Not fifteen minutes after hanging up with his assistant I got a text message from Francis with the contact information for a PI.
I got a lot of good advice from the PI on how to monitor a room without anyone in it knowing that they were being watched and/or listened to. I was tempted to hire them to do the install but was afraid that my uncle would find out and ask hard to answer questions. Instead I just got them to order me what I needed.
After just a few hours I already had a plan mostly formulated and all that was left was to prepare it and then put it into action. I knew that everything had to be just perfect. I alternated between shaking with excitement at the prospect of succeeding in what I was planning and shivering with fear of failing or being found out.
I’d stayed out the night before my aunt and uncle got home. Mindy didn’t comment when I got home but she did give me a lascivious wink and a little shake of her ass. The first two parts of my plan were taking place simultaneously. The first was to begin preparations to catch Mindy. The second was to “allow” myself to be teased, but steadfastly ignore her. I needed her to be dying to push things even farther to get my attention.
Two weeks flew by. Summer always passes fast but this summer in particular seemed to skip June entirely and leap straight into July. After two weeks of close proximity to Mindy but not once slipping up and giving her the satisfaction of seeing me give in my lust I knew that she was again getting to a point of pushing the envelope. She started taking to wearing nothing but cut off shorts and a bikini top whenever my aunt and uncle weren’t around to witness it.
Her teasing started to pick up even when other people were present. I was watching a premiere league game with my uncle on afternoon (typical Yankee, I was a ManU fan and would often watch their games during the summer when hockey and football weren’t available), lying on the couch with my head on the armrest. My uncle was in a recliner at the end of the couch, on the end with my feet.
Mindy came into the room and made a little joke about boys and their sports (which was ironic because she was a die-hard Bears fan) then put her hands on my shoulders. I forced myself to not tense up at the unwelcome contact. My uncle joked back with her then went back to watching the game. As soon as his eyes left us she leaned down to rest her breasts against the top of my head then whisper into my ear, “Only a few more days then it’s just again sugar. You can’t stay out all the nights, eventually you’ll be mine.” She gave my ear a quick nibble and a kiss before straightening and walking out of the room.
I pretended to ignore her but in reality I was thinking to myself that she had quite the surprise in store for her if she thought that *I* was going to be *hers*.
After having two weeks fly by the last few days went at a crawl. I’d made all my preparations. I’d done more research over those two weeks than I’d done in the rest of my life combined. Now all I had to do was wait and examine and re-examine my plan looking for flaws.
The biggest weakness of my plan was that I needed her to *do* something before I had anything on her. There was generic teasing that she always did, but that was only inappropriate, not illegal. That meant that I’d need to suffer through another episode of her torturing me before I had anything on her. Every time I considered that my stomach would flip flop inside of me and I’d break out in cold sweats. I’d tell myself that it was only once more, but I was afraid that once more would be once more too many.
The day finally came when my aunt and uncle were leaving. They left early in the morning. Their driver was waiting to take them to the airport and Mindy and I were at the doors saying our goodbyes. As soon as the car was driving away Mindy took a step to get next to me, pressing her breasts against my arm and clutching me to her. She had her face pressed against my chest and she said in a voice only slightly louder than a whisper, “I’ve been waiting for this. You’re all mine for two weeks. I’m so very excited.”
I was staring down at the top of her head, daggers shooting out of my eyes, but I didn’t say a word to her. I knew this last day of waiting would kill me so instead of staying in the house I thought it’d be a good idea to head over to the Park and see if Keith, Larry and Tony were there. Sure enough, they were along with some other guys, playing pickup football.
I passed the day with them, although I don’t know that they were grateful for me to be on their team. To say I was distracted would be a huge understatement. I got home in the early evening and went straight to my room. I doubted I’d sleep anytime soon but sitting in my room would still be better than facing Mindy. I was scared to death of what I was about to put myself through, but excited at the prospect of maybe being only a day away from breaking out of the bondage she had put me in.
I hadn’t seen Mindy when I got home and she didn’t come into my room that evening. I must have checked to make sure everything was in place and in working order over a dozen times. I don’t know how I finally managed to get to sleep but I did. The last time I checked the clock there was a 4:30am staring right back at me.
Part of me had been nervous that she wouldn’t do anything to me the next morning (imagine that, nervous that she *wouldn’t* do something…) and that I’d have another day of anxiety. Those fears were unfounded. I jerked awake to feeling a pressure on top of me. Mindy had me handcuffed again, spread eagle on the bed. My waking conscious’ first thought, oddly enough, was to wonder how she’d managed to cuff me two different times without waking me.
Mindy was lying on directly on top of me, snuggling against my chest. She must have felt me wake up because she looked up at me with a cheshire cat grin on her face. She met my eyes and I felt simultaneously nervous and aroused. To my shame I could feel myself harden just meeting her eyes and seeing the passion there. I could also feel my heart skip a beat seeing that there was no mercy in those eyes.
She sat up so that she was sitting on my stomach reaching up to my head with her right hand and holding my head in place so that I couldn’t look away. She then bent down and kissed my left nipple, sucking it into her mouth and giving it a light bite. She kissed her way up my chest, up my the left side of my next until she was at my ear then she gave my ear the lightest of licks, almost as if her breath were somehow the thing actually giving the lick.
“I thought that maybe you would try to hide from me, I thought I’d have to wait a few days until you were brave enough to come back to my waiting arms, but here you are. I had no idea you would be so excited to see me again. We are going to have so much funnnnn,” she breathed into my ear. Her voice had grown in passion until the last words were almost a hiss.
Then she pressed her mouth against mine. I know it was technically a kiss but it felt more like a declaration of both passion and desperation. She kept kissing me but reached down with her left hand, grabbing hold of my hardness and squeezing it in her hand. She would pull her head away from kissing me just long enough to say a word or two so that her sentence came out in broken up gasps, “I can…feel…how hard…you are…waiting…for me…to ravish…youuuuu.”
Her hips had begun to grind against my abs. Her eyes had closed but mine hadn’t. I was mesmerized watching the passion in front of me. This was so different from the other times that it hadn’t sunk in yet that I was a still a victim. That thought crossed my mind, and, as if reading my thoughts, she abruptly stopped kissing me.
She sat straight up again and I noticed for the first time that she was completely nude. I forced myself not to drink in the sight of her but I would be lying to say that it wasn’t difficult to tear my eyes away. The problem with Mindy had certainly never been her beauty. She saw my attraction and it seemed as if that gave her energy, she drank in my brief appreciation, almost purring her approval of my looks.
She had never let go of my cock and been squeezing and pulling on it the whole time she’d been kissing me. She stopped now but only to slide herself down my body. She placed herself between my legs then looked me in the eyes. She no longer needed to hold my head to force me to watch, I couldn’t look away from her eyes and she dropped her head and put me into her mouth. She slowly sucked me into her mouth then I felt the scraping of her teeth against me as she pulled back off. It wasn’t very painful but it was a reminder that from here out this was likely not going to be a pleasant experience.
I was more worked up than I had realized because in only a few minutes I was already on the edge of an orgasm. She stopped her attentions to me, sitting back up. Instead of a painful squeeze to my balls this time she reached down to my feet and pinched the webbing between my big toe and the other toes on my right foot. It was certainly painful but distant enough from my cock that it didn’t do as much to reduce the orgasm.
That wasn’t the only way her “routine” had changed. She sat up on her knees looking down at me while I took deep breaths trying to calm my beating heart. For once she wasn’t looking me in the eyes but instead was looking at me as a whole. It wasn’t until later that I realized she was looking at me the same I had looked at her when I noticed her nudity.
I watched her hands which were pressed firmly against her rib cage just below her breasts. She ran her hands down pressing her palms against her sides, pushing them down to her hips then she slowly pushed her right hand to her groin. She moaned loudly when her finger made contact with her clit and as if someone had flipped a switch she immediately began to work on her clit in a frenzy. I’d never seen something so animalistic, something so sensual, and it turned me on to an almost painful extent watching her. In a way it was just as painful to watch and not be able to do anything as it had been when she was touching me.
She did that for a minute or an hour, I couldn’t tell how long it lasted but I also couldn’t stop watching. She stopped as suddenly as she had started immediately diving back down to bring me right back to the brink of orgasm. When I was almost there she lifted her knee up, kneeing me somewhat gently in the balls. Taking a knee somewhat gently to the balls still hurts like hell. She went back to rubbing herself, but this time not with the same frenzy.
She repeated this process multiple times but after the fifth or sixth time I could hear her quietly moaning to herself, “can’t cum, need to cum, can’t do it, need to cum.” It certainly looked to me like she was extremely close to cumming but maybe my perception was distorted by my own world enveloping need for release.
After the seventh or eighth time of her working on herself something in her snapped. She stopped rubbing herself and looked down at me. “You are going to make me CUM,” she said to me with something akin to anger in her voice.
She worked her way forward on her knees and I realized what she was planning. In a few more moments she was going to drop her hips and I would be buried in her. I was a virgin and maybe it shouldn’t have mattered after all the time she had spent blowing me, but the thought of losing my virginity this way was more distressing than anything else she had done to me. I had, of course, fantasized about losing my virginity. I had even fantasized about losing it to her some of the times she had me more worked up. Losing it this way was a nightmare, not a fantasy. I hadn’t realized how important it was to me until I was faced with the moment.
I started yanking against my restraints while shouting at her, “No! No! Please, PLEASE Mindy not that. Please don’t do that. PLEASE. It’s my first time Mindy, please!” Tears were forming in my eyes but my body wasn’t of the same opinion as my mind. My cock was as hard as ever and in a few more moments that would be the only happy part of me.
She paused when she heard that I was still a virgin. She looked at me and for a second I thought she was going to say something, for a moment I even thought that she would stop. Instead she grinned at me, I could see her face saying that she was relishing taking away my virginity.
She dropped herself onto me. She was incredibly wet. I slid all the way into her immediately. We both screamed. My voice was a mix of anguish and pleasure. Her voice was pure pleasure. She lifted her hips once and dropped them again then screamed that she was cumming. She repeated it over and over as if it were a miracle.
She lost herself to the orgasm, her hips started fucking against me, alternating between grinding and short thrusts. While her body shuddered with pleasure my own orgasm, withheld for so long, was on the verge of release. My entire body was tense, the cuffs on my wrists and ankles were cutting into my skin I was pulling so hard on them.
When my orgasm hit me I let out a wordless scream. It was one of the best orgasms, if not *the* best orgasm, of my life but there was no joy in it. I was screaming but not with pleasure. I’d just been raped and my own body didn’t have the decency to not enjoy it.
Mindy had no such qualms. As soon as my cum started spurting into her she started saying with wonder in her voice, “again, I’m cumming again.”
I can’t have been cumming very long but it felt like minutes on end. When my orgasm finally stopped my entire body collapsed, exhausted. Mindy was right behind me, falling flat onto my chest, my deflating cock still held within her pussy. We lay like that for a few minutes, both of us still breathing heavily until she sat up and gave me a kiss on the lips.
“I’ve needed that for a long, long time Jason. Thank you for being so accommodating. You’re just so sweet to me! Enjoy the rest of your day, I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” she said.
With that she set the cuffs to release in a few minutes, gave me a wink, and walked out of the room. I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling until well after the cuffs had unlocked. I’d known what was going to happen this morning, or, at least, I thought I had. I’d willingly put myself into this situation. Was it my fault that it had ended the way it did? I wasn’t sure. Certainly my greed had facilitated things going the way that they had.
Eventually I got out of bed. I pulled on a pair of boxers then walked over to my computer. In my room I had four microphones and six fiber-optic cameras set up. Everything that had happened this morning was recorded. I had full audio and color recordings from all different angles. There would be no doubting on the film that this had not been a consensual act.
I still didn’t know if the price had been worth the goods, that was yet to be determined, but I’d done it. I knew had something I could use against Mindy. I already had backups of the files stored on multiple dedicated servers (I’d told myself this was ridiculous and unnecessary, but after what had happened today was glad there was almost no chance of losing this because there was no way I’d be able to do it again) and all that was left was proper editing.
I went about creating a video clip demonstrating just how incriminating the video I had was. I had a full day to work on it so I took my time, reviewing all the angles to make sure I always had the best one, the one that most clearly showed the rape. When I was done I was sure that it was good enough. I had my weapon. All that was left was to spring my trap. I was giddy with anticipation. I hadn’t actually done anything yet but it already felt as if she were mine.

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