Living with it
I didn’t sleep that night, just sat there staring at the wall. Faye was so happy to see me when she woke up, you would think I had been away for a month not a week, I should have been happy but I wasn’t. I wasn’t anything, I was numb. I tried my best to play along with the emotions for her sake but she could tell something was wrong with me. She didn’t push it, she knew what she wanted to know about the work I did for the gang and just didn’t ask about the rest. I didn’t eat breakfast, I had no appetite. My dad greeted me like I hadn’t been away.
I went to have a shower to try and get some of the dirt off that only I could see. I had never felt unclean like this before, when I closed my eyes I could feel the blood on my body. No one gives you the emotional skills to deal with self loathing, not that young, and all I could think about was lashing out at someone, at anyone. I got out of the shower and saw the bathroom mirror, I could look at myself, I couldn’t look at my own eyes, in the end I turned it around so I could carry on. The flat was too small, I couldn’t breathe in it, I had to get out.
I went running, I tour my way across the roofs with a furry, it had been a while signs I had been out by myself. I liked running with Tazz but he couldn’t keep up with me when I went all out. I ran until my arms hurt, until my legs were on fire, until I had nothing left, and I kept running. In the end I stopped because I missed a jump and feel. I lay on the ground, I couldn’t be bothered to sit up, and cursed the world.
I blamed that depression I felt then on what I had seen Lacy do, on what I had help him do, but that is not quit true. What I saw was the course but it wasn’t the reason for it, that night had been the first time I had seen who I was. It happens so slowly, bit by bit you give up pieces of yourself to the person the gang that wants you to be until the is nothing left of who you where, and you don’t notices it happening. The more you change the easier it become to change, I had done things that damned me and I had like them at the time, and the trick is not to stop. You never stop, you never give yourself time to look back and see all that you have lost until there isn’t enough left of you to care, you fold the self loathing into yourself to keep you moving. I had stopped, I had seen the monster I was and the bits of myself that where left could barely stand it.
The next few weeks where hard, I could look at myself in the mirror anymore without hate. I focused on the day to day tasks, Lacy hadn’t been seen since we came back, he didn’t leave his flat, every day at the end of business I sent a lad to take him his next day’s supply. I work the corner and kept the money that was his, if he came down I would give it to him I said but he didn’t. Faye didn’t understand it, she seemed to think I was just in a bad mood and any second I would snap out of it and be fine again.
The first week she tried to snap me out of it with sex, I was a teenage boy no matter how dark I was feeling I could get aroused by a girl who was trying, but it really didn’t help. It wasn’t making love, it wasn’t fucking, I am not even sure if it was sex, it was really just masturbation using someone else’s body. Cold and mechanical with no emotion in it, I trust into here in simple controlled strokes. She tried so hard but I felt nothing, I knew I loved her, I KNEW it, but I just couldn’t feel it anymore. She knew, she didn’t enjoy it but I was a teenage boy so I was going to cum.
She tried again the next night and if anything it was worse. We lay there after staring at the ceiling not talking, the room filling up with all the talking that we didn’t do. We slept in the same bed but we didn’t sleep together. She tried again the third night and I was determined to put in as much effort as possible, I was GOING to enjoy it. Even without my soul in it I knew her very well, I used all I knew to make sure she came this time but it felt forced and dirty. As I lay next to her that night I heard her cry. I wanted so badly to reach out to her, to tell her everything was going to be ok, to tell her I loved her but my body wouldn’t do it, we both lay there in separate pools of misery. She didn’t try to have sex with me after that, and I am thankful for it because I couldn’t have said how much control I would have had later, I was angry a lot of the time then.
I should have had friends to lean on but they where there. Tazz was in as much of a self destruct as I was, that night had affected us all, and when you are walking alone in the gutter it is hard to pull someone else out. But misery loves company and I found myself sending more and more time with Tazz not talking about all the things we needed to talk about, we drank heavily when we were together. I should have had a Boss to watch out for me but Lacy was not there, he was nothing more than an addict now. Cain knew what I was going through but he told me that I had to pull myself together, if I did I would become what he needed, if I didn’t he would miss me.
I drunk to make it go away, I drunk because it made me forget, I drunk because I could sleep without dreams, and I drunk because I drunk. That was the only time on the estate that I considered picking up a needle to make it all better but I didn’t, I had watch Lacy descent and couldn’t do that to myself. I considered suicide of a bit, I would stand at impossible jumps and think about trying them just to see if I would feel anything before I hit the ground.
I don’t remember my birthday, well that is a lie I remember the start of the night. There was a party at the YMCA thrown for me, I was important enough to the gang for that. I walk in the door, found Tazz and got pissed, really pissed, we passed around a bottle of Lamb’s navy rum between us while Faye and Amy looked on worried, I had developed a taste for rum in those weeks which I still have today. I really don’t remember most of the night but I was told later that I made a speech about the end of the world, I don’t remember getting home.
I do remember the hangover the next day, I was rough but it would wear off, I was still young. I forced myself out of bed, something that was getting harder and harder even without the constant hangovers I was getting use to. I turned the mirror around in the bathroom first thing now and went to work making myself look presentable for the day. I sat with Faye and ate breakfast even if I had no appetite, the small talk we made was almost as bad as the silence. We walked to school as if an invisible wall was between us.
I made it through the morning and was feeling ok by lunch but I still blame what happened on the hangover. I didn’t know the first year, he more than likely knew me as I was a face by now, I hear that the where bets that year to impress some new friends to touch certain people, maybe that is what it was. I was in the dinner hall, just having gotten lunch. I turned and a lad was standing behind me with his arm out stretched, he caught my tray sending my food flying.
It is the same everywhere, you get that moment, when the world seems to freeze, before the room explodes with cheers. That moment was all it took me to hit full speed. I sent the lad back across the room with a kick, to his credit he kept his feet but he was unlucky for that. If he had gone down it would have been over but still standing he was a target. I gadded his blazer and picked him off the floor like her weight nothing and threw him across the room, he crashed down in the middle of a table making the girls sat there scream. The room was already canting, Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight. Each word matching the beating of my heart, I would like to say I lost control then, that I didn’t have control of what I did but that would be a lie.
I knew what I was doing, I knew he was just a kid and I knew I should have stopped but I was so angry with the world I live in and I was going to take it out on someone and the lad was there. People scattered as I jumped onto the table, I smashed me fist into him, I lost count of how many times I hit him. Somebody tried to pull me off but they failed, but it probably saved the lads life and me some jail time. I looked up at the crowd and found a group of young lads around me, his friends, and I had others to lash out at, to share my pain. I guess that 5 on 1 gave them a chance but not in the mood I was in, it was systematic and vicious and I loved every minute it.
You can feel the movement in the crowd when they start to move away, teachers where here. I walked out the other side, the crowd parted, sick looks on their faces. I was smiling for the first time in days but inside I still felt black. I had blood on my hands and the smell of it began to excite me.
I headed for the bathroom, one look at me sent the people in there running, I washed my hands in the sink making the water turn pink. I calmed down, everything would have been ok but at that point I looked up. And there I was, that fucking mirror with me looking out, staring back at me, a smirk on my face and nothing behind my eyes. The face in the mirror could have been consider hansom but my nose had been broken one too many times and the bruising, I don’t remember a time as a kid when my face wasn’t bruised, but even so I was a good looking kid but for those eyes. Those cold, dead eyes, that had seen too much, that had watched my decent, that where soulless. Eyes now filled with rage, with hate, with disgust.
I really don’t remember making the choices to lash out but the mirror exploded around my fist in a maelstrom of shining shards. I didn’t stop there, it is so easy to rip a sink off the wall, it came lose in a squeal of metal and a smash of tiles, I sent it across the room into a urinal. They both disintegrated into a mass of jagged chunks of flying porcelain as the water shot out of the damaged pipes behind me soaking me. I took apart everything, smashed lights, broken stalls, I even took the hand drier off the wall and then I sat in the flowing water and waited of some to come.
I got two weeks suspension, it was the longest they could give me as they couldn’t exclude, the when no places at other schools and lots at this one, if they had tried I would have been back at the end of the month. They may have tried but no one saw the “fight” there was a crowd of people but no one saw it. I really didn’t care by this point, two weeks off seem like a good idea.
I was home where Faye came in, she had heard of what I had done, had seen the aftermath of it and she was scared for me. She tried to talk to me, tried to pull me out of the shell of despair I had built around my soul but I would have none of it. It took me less than ten minutes to turn it into a shouting match about her. We called each other names that could never be taken back and it felt good to say them. I had to get out of there, I couldn’t deal with it, not then. I ran for the door but she grabbed my arm.
“I just need you to talk to me” She screamed, tears running freely down her face. I had to get out of there but she was holding my arm, I had to get out of there because I was so angry, so very angry. What happened next haunts me to this day, I have done things, but this was the worst because there are some lines you do not cross. I hit her, it wasn’t hard, it wasn’t well aimed, but still I hit the girl I loved out of anger, real men do not hit women. EVER! I stepped forward as she staggered back, I wanted to do bad things to her then, I really wanted to but I saw her eyes. The look of hurt and betrayal in her eyes was enough to stop me. I LOVED HER. I turned and I ran.
I ran and ran as the sun sunk lower in the sky letting my anger grow in my chest. When evening changed to night I was out on the streets looking for trouble, I needed trouble. The night’s first victims off my wrath where a pair of Hell Boy’s that I ran into, tagging just our side of the border. This was a real fight, they were fully grown gang members after all, but I was something else by now. I tried to lose it to the red mist at the back of my skull, I tried to let it swallow my brain it a sea of rage but it wouldn’t come, I couldn’t force it. Even without the berserk force of nature to call upon I was more than a match of them and sent them limping at speed toward the border. The outburst of violence only helped to get my blood pumping.
I saw a car moving slowly down a street below me, the aimless speed made them one of two things, a man curb crawling or someone looking to score. Both put them as people from outside the estate, normal people with normal lives come here to dip their toe into the sleazy underbelly of their town, I hated the person in that car then, I was going to have some fun. I jumped from the walkway turning a slow flip before I hit the ground in a crouch. The car was sleek and black and looked pricy if it wasn’t for the money these people set down on coke they wouldn’t get into the estate without getting car jacked. I ran towards the car at speed, first foot hit the middle of the bonnet, the second crashed into the roof and I span of the back. I smiled to myself at the two dints I had left in the body work.
The man in the car surprised me then, he got out, who in their right mind gets out of the car. He was swearing and cursing at me and pointing at the car. I stated back towards him, he didn’t run, he was young and well off and arrogant and I was some nothing street kid that he was going to give a talking to. He realized his mistake to late, his eyes opening wide in panic as I dove my forehead into the bridge of his nose. I hooked both my hands around the back of his head and drove it down, putting another dint into his bonnet, he rolled off lying face up on the ground. I kicked him hard in the stomach making him vomit on himself and it was then I saw the girl in the car.
She was too well dressed to be a hooker, all dressed up for a night out. She was pretty in an uptight way, blonde hair pulled back tight, too much make up, clearly scared out of her mind.
“Get out” I shouted at her, when she didn’t respond I kick the man again. She moved quickly now desperate to stop me from hurting him.
“So here is your choice” I leered at her “I am going to hurt him unless you give me something else to do. So what are you going to show me to stop me?” She looked at me dumbly, so I kick him again. “SHOW ME SOME THING!” I roared. She still didn’t respond so I kick him again and again.
“For the love of God Emma show him your tits” the lad screamed. This shook Emma out of her stupor and she began to lift her top, it made me sick at how quickly the lad had given up on the girl to protect himself. He just lay there muttering “just do whatever he wants” over and over not trying to stop me. She was too skinny to have good breast but they were nice enough, her body quivered as I ran my eyes over her exposed flesh. “Show me something else” I said my voice heavy with lust.
She began to sob and she undid her pants, I could feel how aroused I was get because of her fear, a tiny part of me screamed at how far I had fallen but that just egged me on, if you are going to be bad why not be evil. She dropped her pants and underwear down to her ankles. Her legs where better than her chest, long and slender, the colour of her pubic hair made you think that her hair was dyed. I move in close and she began to shake almost violently, I breathed deeply the smell of fear coming off her, as I whispered in her ear “touch yourself slut”. I think it was to see how far I could push her before she would stop but she did it. Her movements where slow, almost mechanical as she forced herself to run her hand over her slit, if she had gotten into it maybe I wouldn’t have keep going but she board me.
“Turn around” which she did, her arse was nice, I ran my hand over the curve of it keeping a few centimetres from touching. “Bend over the car” she froze.
“Please don’t” she cried.
“For fuck sake Emma, do as he says” the lad shouted from the floor. I turned and kicked him, he was pathetic and weak, I turned back and saw my reflection in the windshield of the car. This is what I was, a monster, the are some lines a real man doesn’t cross and I could barely see some of them anymore, I wasn’t going to cross one of the last few. I would have raped her if it hadn’t been for the reflection, I know I would have, and that keeps me up at night. It took me three kicks to break the windshield.
“You are lucky your boyfriend is such a Fuck, if you didn’t have to put up with him you might not be so lucky” I said to Emma “because with a body like yours it would love to do some very bad things. But I would find one that doesn’t bring you to hell to show off.” And I walked away. Behind me I heard he break down crying. I might not force her but Emma had made me horny so I went to find a more willing play fellow.
I smashed into the YMCA as a force of nature, there were gang members downstairs in several stages of having sex. The girls were mostly the same, gang sluts with low IQ’s, low self-esteem, and no standards. I picked one with most of her cloths on at random, I pulled the lad of her. He started to protested before he folded up around my fist, half the eyes in the room where on me as I grabbed the girls arm, not one of them stood up for their friend or the girl I was taking. It was not the first time I wondered how our gang was becoming so weak. The girl didn’t protest as I dragged her upstairs, this was what they where her of and I was of rank.
She wasn’t that good looking but she would do for my needs, she was a little on the chubby side but that did wonders for her bra size which I wasn’t going to complain about. The was no empty room upstairs so I made one by evicting one of Eddy’s Lts and his girlfriend, throwing them naked into the hall. I pretty much slammed the girl onto the bed, ripping at her clothes with real need. Once naked I took both her hand in one of mine and pined them above her head, fumbling with my belt. My erection sprung free and I drove it almost straight into her, she should be thankful that the lad down stairs had do some prep work because she was wet enough of it not to hurt.
I thrust into her hard and fast, making her breast bounce widely, she tried to fake it like I was doing a good job, I wasn’t, I knew I wasn’t. This was about me not her, I really don’t get why girls fake if I want her to get off I need to know I am doing it wrong. I didn’t keep it up for long, I was young, horny and it had been weeks since I did anything with Faye. I came in her quickly but I wasn’t done with one. No sooner had I finish than I forced her to her knee getting her to use her mouth to get me hard again, making her taste herself on me, it wasn’t long until I was ready to go again. This time I took her from behind, again the fake moans began as I used her for my pleasure, this time I lasted longer and by the time I was ready to cum again her moans had taken on a real tone as her body responded to the fast stimulus.
This time I pushed her to her knees before I came, having her take my load in her mouth, I made sure that some spilled getting on her chin and those big tits. With that I set up a cycle, she would get me hard, I would fuck her and cum in her face. The fourth time she reached her own climax for the constant sex, I used her until I couldn’t anymore. Then I kicked her out, I pushed the cum covered girl, naked, into the hall and threw what was left of her ripped clothes after her. I wasn’t going home that night, I wasn’t going anywhere near someone I cared for in the state I was in so I settled down on the sweat soaked sheets and drifted into a fitful sleep.
With nothing to do I spent the next day walking the streets until two lads found me. They had gone out around town last night and had seen a guy that looked like Tazz, he had been holding hand with another guy and they thought they had seen them kissing. It couldn’t have been Tazz right, what were they to do, it looked so like him, how could we have a faggot as a gang member let alone a crew chief? The question kept coming, they wanted to tell the world. I broke one of their hands and threatened to kill them if they said anything, I told them that a rumour like this weakened the whole gang and if they had no proof they should keep their mouths shut because Bob come go after Tazz, his friend, or them if it came out. I then told them I would look into it and if it was true I would deal with it.
I couldn’t believe that Tazz had been so dumb as to be seen, I spent the rest of the day making myself madder at him, I waited outside school for him to get out. I walked up behind him and slapped him on the back of the head. “We are going running.” It wasn’t a hard run, I just wanted to get him to a place where no one would hear us. It was some roof top where I stopped, turned and ran at him. I push him hard with both hands, I did it again, and again, and again until he swung at me. A year ago I wouldn’t have stood a chances, six months ago he would have put me on my arse in 5 minutes, 3 months ago it would have gone down fighting, now I was bigger, I was stronger, and I was better.
It was a brawl but I came out on top, pinning him down “What the fuck do you think you are doing Tazz?” I screamed at him.
“What the fuck am I doing? Last night you hit Faye then you bring me up here and attack me” He shouted back.
“Last night you where seen Tazz, you where fucking seen” I let him up “You where seen with Dale, god I hope it was Dale, how could you be so stupid. Don’t worry about it I only had to scare them shitless so they won’t talk, if you needed time with him I could have sorted it.”
“Oh you would have sorted it, some dirty back room right? Fuck what is wrong with wanting to be the real me in public once in a while ha.”
“What wrong? You know they will fucking kill you right” my voice was now high pitched, breaking with emotion, I sounded very, very young “And what do you think will happen to Amy once it comes out that she was dating a fag? They will fucking kill you, and worse they will have me do it.” I sank down onto the roof, my head in my hands, that was why I was mad, how could he do this to me.
“And I will do it because that is who I am” I was quite now, monotone “Your my best friend, and I love you, and yet I know if the order comes down I would kill you. What kind of person does that make me? Do you really think I can carry that weight? I am just a kid Tazz, how do I deal with this?”
He came and sat next to me and put his arm around me. We talked, about nothing, about everything. We had no answers for each other, no solutions to the world we lived in but it was good to talk about it with someone who knew. I would have spent forever on that rooftop but as the night came in we had to go and close up our corners. Tazz’s was closer so we hit that first, then walked over to Lacy’s. I gave a vial to a lad and told him to run it up to Lacy, he went white. He wouldn’t go, none of them would, I knew they were scared of me but they still they wouldn’t go and they wouldn’t tell me why. In the end I grabbed the lad by the neck and drag him with me, he was whimpering all the way.
The front door was open and that set my teeth on edge, the living room was a mess, three junkies sat on the couch laughing at the TV, the was a woman semi naked tied to the radiator, it took me a second to realizes it was Lacy’s mother. “What the fuck is going on here” I yelled “get out NOW” one of the addicts got up and ran at me, I pretty much took his head off. Tazz and I threw out the others and I set about untying the woman. “What happened?” I asked her. She pointed back at the room and looked at me with eyes so full of despair that it made my own look like a drop in the ocean “He came back wrong” was all she would say.
I ran to the back room, Lacy’s bedroom, it was a junkies room now, needles and vials where scatter all over the place. Lacy lay naked on the middle of the bed, high as a kite. Charlotte was huddle in one corner of the room, tiers tracks in the grim on her face, as naked as Lacy. She was so small, so thin, she looked so young, the where needle marks on her arms. I held out my hand and she came running towards me.
“I thought I told you to not come back” Lacy screamed from the mattes. He tried to stand to stop her leaving so I hit him, the old Lacy would have kill me but this was not him, the gang member was gone all that was left was the junky. I sent Charlotte to put on some clothing and just watch what was left of him lie there. Tazz took the women out, I left enough product on his bedside table to last a week and walked out after them. They spent the night on my coach, I spent the night with Faye. I told her everything, EVERYTHING, about me, about what I had done, about every dark impulse, she cried for some of it.
I told her how sorry I was for hitting her, she seemed to think it was some kind of show that I loved her, her parents had been an abusive relationship and she seemed to think it was ok. You try telling someone you love that you hurt them because it made you feel better. I made her promise me that if I ever did it again, if I ever came close she would leave me, she would take my money and leave me. We didn’t have sex, we weren’t there yet, but we slept together, not just in the same bed that night.
I got up early that morning, I needed to go see to Lacy. Part of me hopes it was a suicide, an attempt at atonement for his sin, but most of me know it was an over dose, just a smackhead with too much product on his hand and no way of passing himself. I left his body where I found it, to be followed by rumours that I had killed him. I went back home, I needed a shower, I walked into the bathroom and didn’t turn the mirror around, I was going to have to live with myself.

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