To: Ginny Weasley
From: Lavender soon-to-be Finnegan
Re: Harry Potter 2002 Calendar

I just checked our WWW orders for the calendar, and we’re sold out already! It’s been listed for barely one week and we’re sold out of 50,000 units!

Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000… I’ve requests for the calendar to be licensed and marketed retail.

Your thoughts?

Lavender

To: Professor Dumbledore
From: M. McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Dangerous circumstands
Albus:

I am very concerned about Harry Potter’s mental state with regard to the upcoming Quidditch Match.

As you are no doubt aware, the Weasley twins have managed to put a magical wager in place, one that they unfortunately lost. The end result, the entire Gryffindor team must play the upcoming match in the buff.

Understandably, their teammates are not impressed, but I do not think anyone anticipated the depth of Harry’s revulsion at this idea. To be honest, I can not blame the poor lad.

His fan club, of which I am having difficulty identifying the founding members, has set up a mass marketing scheme for a print run of calendars featuring Harry’s… play at the upcoming game.

Albus… the boy has threatened to join forces with Voldemort unless something is done! Help!

– Minerva

To: M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress
From: Albus Dumbledore
Re: The Quidditch Match

Minerva, the bluff behind the school IS quite dangerous. Since the Forbidden Forrest is strictly forbidden, we may be able to invalidate the terms of the dare.

Besides, surely the Slytherin team will never agree to play there.

– Albus

To: Professor Dumbledore
From: M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress
Re: Re: The Quidditch Match
Of course they’re not going into the Forbidden Forest, you git! They’re not playing IN the Bluff, they’re dared to play Starkers. Naked. Nude.

NOW do you see my problem?

Minerva

To: M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress
From:Albus Dumbledore
Re: Re: Re: The Quidditch Match
Oh my. Well. I think our first priority is to establish the President of Harry’s fan club. If they’re to profit off of the calendar, a certain percentage should be returned to the school, do you not think?

I shall make a request of all staff for the identity of the club president.

– Albus

To: Harry Potter
From:Remus Lupin
Re: Harry Potter Fanclub information

Harry, the most alarming mmail has been issued to me. I’m sharing this to you in confidence, son, as it’s the least I can do.

Apparently, your fan club is planning to capture pictures from the upcoming game. I did not think this at all unusual until I found out the TERMS of the game.

Fred and George have certainly created a ruckus with this one, now haven’t they?

Harry… there’s no hope for the calendar, I’m afraid. McGonagall and Dumbledore have been unable to find the organizers or the methodology for how they will get the pictures. Obviously, cameras are strictly forbidden.

I’ve sent word to Sirius. This is the kind of thing that the Marauders are best suited for handling.

– Moony

To: Gryffindor Tower (all)
From:Harry Potter
CC: Remus Lupin, Snuffles
Re: My Beloved Fan Club
It has come to my attention that my unauthorized fan club intends to produce and market my assets from the upcoming game.

Given the unlicensed aspect of this, plus the fact I am a minor, I feel it needful to point out that without my express consent, this is a form of assault. As such, I will have charges laid against anyone who owns a copy of this calendar, or aids in the production.

HOWEVER, given that this situation has already been blown completely out of control, my legal counsel has advised that should a proposal be made to me on my terms, I may license such an enterprise. At a profit to ME, people. You want your naked pictures, you can have them. But if I’m going to be splattered across Britain in all my natural glory then I want a cut.

– Harry

To: Harry Potter
From:Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club
Harry, m’lad… that was ruddy brilliant. If you’re going to be burned this bad, take it over and make it a statement in your favor.

Look, here’s my take. You’re not a bad looking boy, or Witch Weekly, Good Witchkeeping, and In Broomsticks wouldn’t have you has the #1 eligible man in Britain. You consistently ousted Lockheart. (And I know what you think of that.)

Quidditch has built up your body. No, you’re not as broad in the shoulder as that muggle Arnold, but you’re enough to give a full grown man a few minutes thought before taking you on.

So. Here’s my suggestion. In keeping with your ploy, let’s get some professional shots done. I know a good photographer of high taste and great tact. Let’s make this a media ploy IN your favor, rather than to humiliate you. Trust me, Harry, you can do this.

– Snuffles

To: Harry Potter
From:Remus Lupin
CC: Snuffles
Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club
Harry, I’m willing to bet you’re freaking. I’m not one to do the testosterone display, but here’s some words that may get you through this. A mantra, if you will.

“When you got it, flaunt it.”

You’ve got the prowess in the game, you’ve got the admiration of the ladies, the respect of your peers, and I heard about that mmail… 6.23 x 2.75, wasn’t it? You can definitely take that to Gringotts!

– Remus

To: Tom Marvello Riddle
From:Your Favorite Enemy
Re: Joining the dark side of the Force
Tom, I’ve been thinking. Why should we be enemies? I’ve got the skills you’re looking for in a Death Eater. And, while I won’t do subservient, I think you could use a young, canny partner.

Whattaya think?

Harry Potter

To: Harry Potter
From:Ginny Weasley
Re: Your Beloved Fan Club

Harry, I’m sure it will come as no surprise that I’m president of your fan club.

I’m ashamed to admit, that yes, we were planning to do a calendar, but… in recent seeing how much this is disturbing you, we’re willing to scrap the project.

If we do scrap the project, will you at least make your unofficial fan club an official one?

Ginny

To: Harry Potter
From:M. McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Your Beloved Fan Club
Potter! What do you THINK you’re doing?! I want to see you immediately after class today!

– McGonagall

To: Harry Potter
From:Snuffles
CC: Moony
Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club
6.23 inches? Are you kidding me? And you’re worried about WHAT again?

To: Padfoot
From:Moony
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club
Padfoot…

Please, stop trying to help. Thanks.

– Moony

To: My Most Hated Enemy
From:Lord Voldemort
Re: Your Mmail

How did you get my Mmail address, Potter?

That aside, I would rather see you dead than ever ally with you. Either you are my minion or my enemy.

L.V.

To: Ginny Weasley
From:Harry Potter
Re: Fan Clubs

Ginny,

How COULD you? You know how I feel about celebrity. I didn’t ask to be famous or want to be! I just want a normal life. I won’t authorize a fan club. BUT, before you go ballistic and vengeful, how about a compromise.

It’s been pointed out to me that if I have to go down in flames, let them be flames of glory. I will agree to a calendar publication as long as

a) They are professionally taken photographs

b) I have final approval; and

c) 25 of sales goes to a charity of my choice.

Agreed? Meet me tonight in the common room to discuss further.

Harry

To: HP Fanclub, Hermione Granger
From: Ginny
Re: The Calendar

Hold onto your hats, ladies. While we will not be an official fan club, Harry has agreed (with terms) to the production of the calendar.

That’s right. We’re getting our naked Harry after all. All 6.23 in. of him. (And as Lavender pointed out, that’s an unexcited 6.23 in.!)

I met with Harry earlier this evening and we worked out some details. The photographer will be arranged by Harry and paid for by Harry.

Harry is asking that a 25 percent cut go to the St. Mungos Victims Unit. I think that very reasonable. He is also going to arrange to undercut production charges and legal fees for marketing.

Is this man a prince or what?

– Ginny

To: Oliver Wood
From:Harry Potter
Re: A Wild Little Idea

Listen, Oliver, this may sound nutters, but… I’ve got a plan.

Since the calendar can’t be stopped, I’m making it into a charity thing. And, I’m arranging for professional photos.

What’s this got to do with you? This. You’re being mobbed by YOUR fans, right? While I won’t pose WITH you, if you’re gutsy enough to do this we can increase revenues (which are going to St. Mungos Victims Unit) and make us look less like victims, and more like celebrities in control of the situation.

What do you think?

– Harry

To: Harry Potter
From:Oliver Wood
Re: Your Wild Little Idea
You’re completely stark raving nutters. You know that, right? That said, it’s a ruddy brilliant plan. My dignity is gone, so why not make the descent into madness look planned.

I’m in. And, taking a wild guess at what you’re going at, I’ve sent feelers out to other ‘young studs’ of the Quidditch Leagues. Krum’s in too, if you’re interested.

– Ollie
“The Bigger Staff”

To: Oliver Wood
From:Harry Potter
CC: Viktor Krum
Re: The Calendar

Gentlemen:

Welcome aboard. I’ve arranged for photographer, Ms. Sally Mann. A very controversial American photographer/artist that has been highly recommended to me by Charlie Weasley

The school has consented to allow us to use the grounds. At no charge, given the charity nature of the project.

If possible, I’d like to get the photos done before this bloody Quidditch match that I have to deal with. I want the market saturated with this product BEFORE the game as a distraction tactic.

How’s Wednesday for you gents?

– Harry

P.S. Bigger Staff? snort Sorry, Ollie, we shared a locker room for too many years for THAT to wash. You’re good. But you’re not THAT good.

To: Tommy
From:Harry
Re: Minions
Quite okay, Old Chap.

I’ll just take over.

– HP

To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team
From:Your Seeker
Re: The Game
Ladies and Bastards,

I want you to be aware of some of my recent… business ventures. First, my unofficial fan-clubs plans for the calendar. You will be pleased to know that no photographs will be taken during the game.

All of the especially charmed Omnioculars (charm TM of my good friend Hermione Granger) have been given into my custody.

Secondly, a professional photographer will be visiting the school on Wednesday, and I have reluctantly agreed to go this route. Joining me for this calendar, although not at the same time or on the same page, necessarily, will be Oliver Wood (I’ll pause for your gasps) and Victor Krum.

I realize that the Unholy Duo will be racing off at the mouth with this news, and I should forewarn them… I’ve already informed the Prophet, plugging the charity aspect of this venture.

25 percent of the proceeds for sale of the bloody calendar will be going to St. Mungos Victims Unit.

I may have to go out there starkers, and I may have to put up with the slurs of the Slytherins and the giggles of my peers for the next two years, but by damn I’ll have this mess enhance my reputation and not humiliate me.

As a good friend pointed out, “When you got it, flaunt it.”

Ladies, with unabashed candor: You’ve got it.

Bastards, we’re gonna make you look BAD.

And lastly, I have heard the rumors of an alliance between Voldemort and myself. I realize that I made the threat first. Be assured, there will NEVER be an alliance between Voldemort and I.

The Seeker

To: Harry Potter
From:Ginny Weasley
Re: The Photos

Harry, I’ve been thinking, can this photographer create an allusion to nudity without the full monty?

– Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley
From:Harry Potter
Re: Re: The Photos
Why, Ginny…

Don’t you want my full monty anymore?

Harry

To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: The Full Monty
Only if it’s for a private showing. Very private.

To: Harry Potter
From: Ron Weasley
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re:The Full Monty
HARRY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING MAKING A PASS AT MY SISTER LIKE THAT?!

There will be no showings, private or otherwise, exclusive or whatnot of any Monty to my sister!

And Ginny… watch your language, or I’m telling Mum!

– Ron

To: The Prat
From:His Sister
CC: Harry Potter, Mum
Re: Montage
Dear Ron:

First, what are you doing snooping through Harry’s sent files and trash? The mmails I send, or he sends me are none of your business.

Second, regarding the CALENDAR, Mum knows about it. I told her myself like I promised Harry. And, she said it was very ingenious, but I should have taken Harry’s feelings into consideration.

So, stuff it. And by the way, look up the word montage. You know, the library isn’t an evil place.

Your vengeful little sister,

Ginny

To: Potter
From: Lord Voldemort NOT Tommy!
Re: Re: Minions
Are you threatening ME?

-LV

To: TOMMY!
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Minions
Why, yes! Now that you ask.

Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me?

– Harry

“Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!
I DiD, I DiD
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort”

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Susan Bones
Re: The Calendar
Ginny, the Daily Prophet said Harry, Oliver Wood and Viktor Crum are ALL posing for the Calendar. Apparently, the photographer is a top-notch American woman and the shoot is to be sometime this week on Hogwarts grounds.

Do you know any more? Will we be able to WATCH the photo-sessions? Just to ensure accuracy, mind you. Even if Harry has said he’s generously proportioned, wouldn’t you like to validate that?

Sassy

To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Fwd: Re: The Calendar
Hermione, I’d go ask Ron, but my big brother is over-sensitive about this subject. Do you know where they are doing the photos or how security is going to be done? I’m not asking to get a sneak-advance peak, but… well, that would be nice… still, I’m more concerned that Hogwarts Femmes will try and swarm the photo-area.

Somehow, I don’t think Harry will ever forgive me if that happens, and I really quite frankly DON’T want any other woman fondling his bits.

– Ginny

To: Ginny
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar
GINNY! Do you MIND? That’s one of my best friends you’re mentally molesting! I feel quite rightly nauseous!

HG

To: Hermione Granger
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar
Excuse me, oh she who snuck pictures of my own brother in the buff? No matter, I’ll just go talk with Ron…

G

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
BCC: Hermione Granger
Re: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar
Gin,

I’m dying here. Do stop. The Photoshoot is Wednesday. Dumbledore and Flitwick are providing charms to shield the area, and Sally is using a very special professional camera.

If you want to come to the shoot, that’s fine. There are charms being placed on Ollie, Viktor and myself so that only the camera sees us… err… you know.

Your brother is coming down with three dragons, we’re doing a shot of “Quidditch” with us riding dragons. (Don’t ask. Please? Apparently, it’s a campaign for the more-humane-treatment-of-fantastic-beasts.) The dragons are enough of a spectacle to keep peoples eyes off of my chums, and me don’t you think?

And please, don’t go spreading that news to my UNauthorized fan club? And Hermione? You’re the one with the pics of Ron? You do know it’s driving him UTTERLY insane to figure out, right? I mean, rightly nutters! What were you thinking?

– HP

I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!

To: Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley
From: Hermione Granger
Re: Those damned pictures
I am NOT discussing this with either of you. And if EITHER of you tell Ron, I’ll make sure he knows about the full content of your discussion two nights past.

– Hermione

To: Hermione Granger-Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Those damned pictures
My, my… hostile aren’t you? Go ahead, tell Ron. I wonder what will distress him more, the candid nature of Ginny and my conversation about the calendar, or your subversive acquisition of a series of nude photos of HIM.

I’m given, from my sources, to understand such pictures were obtained from the men’s locker room. That means you used MY invisibility cloak. And, if others were to find out, well… the outrage would know no bounds, Ms. Prefect!

– HP

I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!

To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Have I mentioned?
I think I utterly love you… that was sheer genius! As for the photo-shoot, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I do appreciate the spells being cast and will respectfully keep my distance. Do you suppose I’d be able to talk to Ms. Mann? I’d love to learn more about photography… without actually touching or looking through her camera, you understand.

Ginny
To: Harry Potter
From: Hermione Granger
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Those damned pictures
That’s blackmail Potter!

To: Hermione Granger-Weasley
From: Harry Potter
CC: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re: Re: Re: Those damned pictures
Does look that way, doesn’t it?

Kiss, kiss.
HP

I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Have I mentioned?
lol I’ll talk to my friend who put me in touch with Sally. Perhaps after we guys are… done… and properly attired again you can have time to interview with her. The pictures will be ready almost immediately, and as I said, I get first right of refusal for the calendar layout.

Has the rest of the design been done?

– Harry

I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!

To: Harry Potter
From: Fred & George Weasley
Re: Stuff
Err, Harry… listen, mate… you’re scaring us. And why is Ginny grinning at us every time she sees us?
F&G

To: Fred & George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Stuff
Ginny’s on the inside track. As for your fears: I’ve only just begun.

HP

I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!

To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Ask you how?
What do you mean you “Mocked Voldemort”? Doesn’t everyone?
Gin

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Ask you how?
No, I actually “mocked” Voldemort.

Hey, Gin… how would you feel about being my right hand when I conquer Voldemort and take over the Death Eaters? Create a new regime of utter evil. You’re a Weasley, you’ve proven to be devious and ingenious… and you have past history in this area.

Whattaya think?

As for the mocking:
“I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort
I DiD, I DiD
I did tee a bid bad Moldiemort”

HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!

To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny
Re: You DIDN’T?!
Harry! You DIDN’T?!

– Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: You DIDN’T?!
I did. Why? What’s the worst he can do? Jump up and down shrieking “Kill him! Kill him!”?

– HP

I Mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!

To: Lucius Malfoy
From: Lord Voldemort
FW: Re: Re: Minions

Malfoy!

KILL HIM! KILL HIM!

Your Lord & Master,
Voldemort

To: Harry Potter
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Red Right Hand
Good point. Here’s a thought… want to have a series of T-Shirts or robes made up with the “I Tink I Taw” emblazoned on the back? It’d send Moldiemort through the roof!

-Ginny

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Have I Mentioned?
I think I love you.

Who do you have that can pull such a project off?

HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!

To: Harry Potter
From: Fred & George
Re: What are you doing?
With our sister? She’s just come to us with an offer. If we produce a series of robes that shimmer the following phrase:

“I Tink I Taw a Bid Bad Moldiemort
I DiD, I DiD
I DiD Tee a Bid Bad Moldiemort”,

and if we do it at our cost, it will reduce the vengeance we’re currently experiencing. Err, Harry, that shrinking potion will wear off in a week, right?

– G&F

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Have I mentioned
You are SO good.

HP
I Mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!

To: Fred & George Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: What are you doing?
Ginny and I are launching a very lucrative business relationship. And, as for the shrinking spell that depends ENTIRELY on you two.

– HP

I Mocked Voldemort
As me how!

To: Ginny Weasley
From: Gred & Forge
Re: Robes
How many do you want?
Traitor

Your Brothers

To: Gred & Forge
From: Ginny Weasley
BCC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Robes
You give me 25,000 units by week’s end, with a reserve for another 25,000 after the next match, and I’ll provide you with the antidote to your “little” problem.

– Ginny

To: Lee Jordan
From: Fred & George Weasley
Re: Problem Fixed
Our sister is in cahoots with Potter. Downside: We have to produce some robes that openly make fun of Voldemort. We’re still hoping we can make some sort of profit off this deal (WWW).

Upside, the sooner we produce 25,000 units the sooner our masculine glory is restored to us. So, stop researching potions, and get ready to sew, man.

US Not THEM.

To: Harry Potter
From: Lord Voldemort
Re: Robes
What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potter?
WHAT IS YOUR PRICE?

– Voldemort

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