Sometimes first dates go well and sometimes first dates go poorly.

There really isn’t a black or white way to classify a date that ends with you stranded in the Cretaceous Period [1] with a laptop, a solar cell, four condoms, a bottle of lube, 40 feet of high quality bondage rope, a pair of nipple clamps, and a half dozen cliff bars.

I also had the company of Opal G. Wetzel, my date for the night.

You see, Opal was a physicist. We met on OkCupid, the best place for shut-in nerds to meet other shut-in nerds who are looking for romance. I’m sure there are other use-cases, but they’re beyond my experience.

We had a very pleasant date at a coffee shop, the standard date of people who are scared of rejection and don’t want pressure throwing off their “game”. Or of people who realize that their best chance at romance comes if they can talk for a few hours. I can’t really do the animal magnetism thing [2].

I thought I had done a rather good job on the date and was proved correct when Opal invited me back to her place for the night. She told me there was something there I just had to see at her place.

I thought that this was just a convenient way of inviting me back for a spot of bumping uglies. Little did I know that she had a time machine.

Look, it’s not like anyone is going to read this. I’m 65 million years before humans begin to form societies, let alone understand how to use laptops. The worst case scenario is some poor fucker finding the fossilized remains of this laptop, believing the carbon dating, and losing their job. The hard drive isn’t going to survive. This record is for me, not anyone else. I don’t have to try and convince myself that I’m sane.

Maybe I took bad acid [3]. But barring that, I’m actually stuck here.

So, time machine.

She grabbed my hand as we climbed the porch of her house.

“I can’t wait to see your expression when you see it!”

She had a pleasant lilting voice, expressive and clear. It did much to allay any worries I had about that statement. I mean think about it. First dates where that were said often ended in gory newspaper articles.

She led me into a foyer pleasantly painted in pastel colours, with a lovely old-fashioned checkerboard floor [4]. She paused to give me a quick peck on the lips, before half-dragging me down the staircase to her basement.

She flipped on a light switch and revealed the laboratory of a mad scientist; or perhaps a mad electrician. She didn’t, for example, have a table with straps and a set of flensing knives.

Instead, tesla coils perched on their poles with a menacing quiescence. Wires joined and parted, connecting a bewildering array of devices. A control panel was set up in the corner. There was an oscilloscope on top of it and the eerie trace of the electron beam across its screen belied the quiet state of the equipment. The trace said it wasn’t completely shut down; it was drawing a current.

I walked over to the oscilloscope, dodging the clutter and the grasping cables. I glanced at the readout. Then did a double-take. Then a triple-take.

“Is your oscilloscope broken?”

Opal walked over to stand beside me.

“No, it’s working fine. What makes you think it’s broken?”

“It’s reading 20,000 volts!”

“Kilovolts,” she corrected me idly.

“TWENTY MILLION VOLTS ARE GOING THROUGH THESE WIRES?” My voice doubled in volume and skipped up several octaves.

She giggled. Her giggle was a study in mischievous confidence. I felt like I was being drawn into a joke that only she understood.

“You’re cute when you shriek.”

“Ah, thanks…”

I didn’t know what to say, but I backed up as far as possible from the tesla coils and loose wires.

I finally noticed what was in the centre of the room. It looked like a metal doorframe without any door in it.

I pointed at it. “What’s that?”

“That’s the gateway.”

“The gateway?”

“Maybe you can come up with a better name for it. This,” her arm swept an arc, taking in the equipment scattered around the floor, “picks the time. The current tears a rift in the time stream. Then we step though.”

I took several more steps backwards.

“You’re saying that you’ve made a time machine.”

“Not quite a time machine. More like a time portal. As long as it’s running, we can travel back and forth between here and any point in history.”

“Would you be offended if I thought you were playing a joke on me?”

“I’d be offended if you believed me right off the bat. Your profile said you were an empiricist.”

“I am.”

“So propose a test.”

“65 million years ago. Cretaceous period.”

“Oh! Good test!”

“I know enough about what fauna to expect that I think I could confirm it pretty quickly.”

“Good reasoning too.”

Opal flitted around the lab, flicking switches, checking gauges, and making connections. The air became charged. Her bob began to grow, as the static made it wild. I felt the electricity dancing along my skin.

The tesla coils powered up, ionizing the air. Purple lightning began to dance between them and the gate. There were no stray arcs, to my immense relief.

I could taste ozone on the tip of my tongue. The doorframe became opaque, then black. It slowly lightened, to the colour you see when your eyes are closed.

Opal had to shout to be heard over the crackle of the lightning, even though she’d moved to stand next to me.

“It will only be a minute now.”

The tesla coils synchronized, pounding the gate with round after round of lightning. The door began to glow.

“Can it handle that?”

“Tungsten.” She explained. I nodded in understanding.

With the sound of cracking glass, the gate resolved itself to show a clearing in a forest of dense ferns and trees unlike any that still existed.

“I’ll be damned…”

Opal grabbed my hand again and led me towards the door.

It took all my willpower (and curiosity for what lay beyond the gate) to step between the tesla coils with her.

She preceded me through the gate. She passed though it without incident and dragged me along with her.

The smell was overpowering. Sickly sweet and unlike anything I’d ever smelt before. It was primordial air, with scent molecules that predated my nose by eons.

After a few breaths of the air, I also realized that I felt more awake; more alive. Even in the sweltering heat, I found a spring in my step.

“The oxygen content really is higher!”

Opal laughed, a pleasant tinkling sound.

I found myself hugging her and then our lips were meeting. The charge that passed between us was no less intense than that coursing through the tesla coils. The kiss lasted for several minutes and our hands explored each other more than was strictly decorous.

I glanced behind us, just to check, and sure enough there was a window suspended in the middle of the clearing. Looking back through it, I could see her lab.

I found myself laughing freely in this place that had never heard a human laugh nor felt a human tread.

“You actually did it!”

My grin proved infectious and within moments we were kissing again. This time, it went on rather longer. Our clothes ended up even more ruffled.

Opal looked at me shyly through her lashes.

“How about I grab a tent and some supplies? Then we can spend the night here.”

Had I been thinking, I would have pointed out the risk. But I was exhilarated by the new discovery. Plus, I was doing my thinking with the wrong head. It is an unfortunate quirk of my biology that I only have enough blood supply for one head at a time. And right now I wasn’t thinking with one on top of my shoulders.

Fifteen minutes later saw us back through the portal. We were even more dishevelled. If we’d been less distractible, we’d have made it back in five minutes, not fifteen.

Her cupboard of supplies had been most distracting though. And we’d had too much fun going through it for ideas. And then pausing to kiss for a while.

Like I said. Blood supply for only one head.

The clearing was even more magical the second time around. The sun was just kissing the horizon, its orange glow hinting at the coming dusk.

“How does the time differential work?”

“The lab is a fixed point in time. We can spend as much time as we want here and emerge back into the present but a moment after we left it.”

“You mean we can get up to quite a lot here and no time ever passes out there?”

“That’s exactly what I mean.”

“That’s incredibly useful for first dates.”

Opal grinned. “I though it might be. Although I was saving it for a date that I actually enjoyed.”

I couldn’t help grinning back. And then I was falling into her eyes and kissing her again. This time we found ourselves sitting down by the time we remembered to come up for air.

“Do you want to set up the tent?”

She smiled at me. “You’re the biologist. Do you think it’s safe to get up to, um, things without a tent?”

“Hmmm. Most things here probably don’t know how to attack mammals our size. And our immune systems are 65 million years ahead in the evolutionary arms race.”

“Then let’s do it in the clearing. I’ve always wanted to have sex in the open. But I was always worried about people seeing. I don’t think we have to worry about that right now.”

“Not much risk of that, no.”

We kissed again, and by some magic her shirt managed to disappear in the middle of it. I found my pants unbuckled.

He bra was soft, lacy and white, but it didn’t stay on very much longer. I struggled for a few seconds with the clasps, but necessity made my hands clever and I soon had her breasts bared to the humid air.

As I worked on her bra, she got my pants past my hips. I shimmied out of them and guided her to the ground.

“My pants next.”

It took us some effort, but we soon had her out of them. My shirt was the next casualty of our fumbling hands. I relished the feel of air that no other human had ever breathed on my naked chest.

I fell down on top of her, kissing her with abandon. I felt my erection stirring as I ground my hips against hers. She ground hers back in retaliation. I could feel her moans, but my mouth stifled them.

I took a break from kissing her mouth to kiss down her chest, where her erect nipples and large areolae waited invitingly. Her hand found my dick and began to stroke it gently. I whimpered when she stopped, but it was only a temporary break for her to grab some saliva to make the rubbing smoother.

I focused on what I was doing, sucking her nipples into my mouth and covering them with gentle nips. She squirmed and groaned deeply in response. I gently stroked the other breast and then switched sides, giving both of her breasts the same attentions.

“Are you going to take off my underwear, or are you going to make me do it?”

I sat up enough to sketch a bow, before slowly bringing my hands down her stomach and to her hips. I stroked between her legs, pushing her underwear into her. I felt her wetness soaking into the thin fabric of her briefs.

She reached a hand threateningly towards her waistband, so I hurried myself up. One smooth motion and she was naked for all of the world (i.e. me) to see.

“Hurry up and get inside of me!”

Not one to say no to this, I hurried up and got inside of her – well, there was a slight delay for the condom, but after that things moved quickly.

Both of us let out a long sigh as I buried myself up to the hilt in her welcoming sheath [5]. Her hands dug into my shoulder blades.

“You feel so good inside of me!”

My response was an eloquent incoherent moan. I felt I’d managed good information density in that one, drawn-out syllable.

That was when the dinosaur roared.

It took me a second to realize. I was a little lost in the sensation, having just began to thrust into Opal.

It took a second roar for me to realize what was happening.

Opal’s eyes had become big. Like really big. It’s the sort of look you see on a person who realizes they left the oven on as they see their house on fire on TV.

“Umm?”

“SHHHH!”

I didn’t move. I froze completely, clutching her desperately.

I heard a crash, saw her eyes widen even further. Then there were lumbering footsteps moving away from us and finally, after another minute, silence.

“How did we miss it coming towards us?”

“SHHHH!”

Opal looked like she was about to cry.

“What’s wrong?”

“It destroyed the gate. We’re trapped here.”

“Um. This is where you tell me it’s April first and you’re actually Ashton Kutcher?”

She laughed. It sounded a bit hysterical. I joined in. My laugh was horribly thin and definitely more than a bit hysterical.

_________________________________________________________________

What would you do if you found yourself stranded in the cretaceous era?

In our case what we did was pitch the tent, huddle inside it clutching each other for a few hours, and then drift off to sleep with the noises of a strange time providing the menacing sound track.
_________________________________________________________________

It took us a week to feel up to having sex again. By which I mean, we spent a week scrambling to survive, and then as soon as something went right, we celebrated with sex.

By which I actually mean, Opal managed to catch a small Bagaceratops (unless I missed my guess) in a pit trap and one thing led to another.

Her catching it was a big deal! It would mean meat for us for quite a while. We were pretty sure we’d be able to eat the meat (and hopeful it would taste like chicken). We’d had mixed luck with berries and some of our early attempts had led to explosive bouts of diarrhoea.

The Bagaceratops was about thirty centimetres high at the shoulder and half a meter long. It was bright green in colour, with feathers that reminded me strongly of a parrot. It had the classic herbivorous dinosaur head – it looked like a triceratops without a frill or horns. Completing the resemblance to a parrot was the beak, which to my eyes made the connection between it and later birds incredibly obvious.

Anyway, after jumping up and down and hugging each other, Opal’s mouth found mine. We hadn’t kissed since the first night, but I was surprised to find my desire for her was still there and strong. Like a well banked fire, it was merely waiting to spring back up into the flames of passion.

Her hands roamed over my body, further enflaming my desire. I could feel myself becoming hard and after a moment, her questing hands could feel my hardness as well. Taking this as all the permission I needed, I retaliated by grinding my palm into her groin where her legs met. She ground hard into it and moaned deeply.

“Clothes. Off. Now.” She sounded desperate. There was a brief separate scramble, interrupted a few times for quick kisses, before we found ourselves naked again. I dropped to the ground in front of her and she pulled her my head into her. I eagerly lapped up the gentle coating of fluid that gathered on her folds like the morning dew on tulips.

She moaned and pushed me even harder against her. I couldn’t see anything, so I went by feel, searching with my tongue until I found the nub of her clit. Then her moans became rather loud and her grip even tighter.

I felt her legs begin to buckle, but I somehow managed to keep my mouth on target as she collapsed to the ground.

I lapped at her a bit more, until she pushed my head away. I looked up at her worried, but she was smiling. “You’re going to make me come too quickly like that. I want you inside of me when I come.”

“I, ah, I didn’t bring a condom.”

“I have an IUD.”

“Oh.”

“Hurry up and get inside of me!”

I’m a horrible tease, so I did nothing of the sort. Instead, I slowly made my way up her body, trailing kisses the whole way and stopping to suck on each of her nipples. I looked up and saw her about to growl something at me, so I stopped her mouth with a kiss.

I wasn’t quite ready to give her what she wanted, but I was desperate for some stimulation myself, so I thrust between her lips, gliding across her vulva and rubbing against her clit. Despite her bucking hips, I managed to keep myself from slipping inside of her. She moaned into me the first few times. After the fourth, she dug her hands into my back.

Before I could realize what had happened, she flipped me, so that she was on top. With a wicked smile, she ground against me a few more times, before finally pushing me inside of her.

We sighed again, just like the first time, but we didn’t rest on our laurels. She began rocking back and forth and I started rising to meet her. Both of us were moaning loudly, yelling nonsense syllables. I had my eyes squeezed tightly shut, focusing on the feelings, not on what I could see.

Opal’s moans became suddenly even louder. “Oh fuck me! Fuck me! That feels so good!”

The weirdest part was that her exclamations were combined with something licking my eyeball.

Confused, I opened my eyes. Then I screamed. Not a good scream, a terrified scream.

“DON’T STOP!” Opal’s yell was even louder than mine and her eyes were wild with pleasure.

Looking right at me, its tongue now curling over one of Opal’s ears, was a creature out of my blackest nightmares. Its head was covered in spikes and it had a viciously hooked beak studded with teeth. It looked like a dragon – and had been named for one too. Dracorex Hogwartsia [6].

But Opal was thrusting onto me and it did feel good and the dinosaur didn’t seem to be hurting her, so I listened to her and I didn’t stop. I wasn’t thinking straight, I was so horny and getting fairly close and I needed to keep thrusting.

The dinosaur’s tongue wrapped around her throat and she moaned even more loudly, before yelling “I’m going to come! I’m going to come with a dinosaur up my ass!”

I blanched. The dinosaur was up her ass? What the hell!

I suppose it beats being eaten though. Lots of things beat being eaten. Like being inside of someone as they come and their vag clenches down on your dick, bringing you so close to coming.

“I’m… almost… there…” I panted in between heaving breaths. But I was looking right into the dinosaur’s eyes and I was too confused and weirded out to make that final leap.

“This will help!”

Opal twisted me over again, so that I was on top. I don’t know how she managed it, but my dick didn’t even pop out.

“What are you… EEP”

Something pushed hard against my asshole, and then was inside of me, ignoring the resistance. It hurt for a split second, but then it found my prostate.

My prostate’s been hit only once before and the feeling is unmistakable. It shakes my whole pelvis, overwhelming me with uncontainable pleasure. The dinosaur was doing this every second, as it thrust quickly in and out of my ass.

I timed my thrusts with it, pushing back into it and then forward into Opal. I was frantic and wild eyed, and suddenly I was coming. Waves of pleasure were crashing around me and overwhelming me, dragging me out into the undertow of post-orgasmic bliss (and incoherent yelling about the fact that I was coming).

I collapsed on top of Opal, but the dinosaur kept on going, eliciting weak moans from me. It felt good, but it was almost too much. Each thrust was pleasure beyond what I could take. And it was getting quicker. I could feel in the dinosaur echoes of my own desperation.

Sure enough, after one last particularly deep thrust, I felt something filling up my bowels. The dinosaur must have been pumping me full of its cum. I fought back revulsion (which was easy to do in my current blissed out state) and focused on the sensation. Opal was laughing in delight and stroking the dinosaur’s cheek. Given that she wasn’t screaming or waving around a stump, it seemed like the dinosaur was down to tolerate this sort of treatment.

After one or two last desultory thrusts, the dinosaur pulled out of me. Even with the lubrication of its jizz, my ass was reluctant to relinquish its hold on the reptilian cock.

Opal sighed in disappointment as the dinosaur lumbered away. I sighed in something a bit more complicated [7].

“Did we… just get fucked in the ass by a dinosaur?”

She kissed my nose and giggled.

“Maybe being trapped back here won’t be so bad after all.”

________________________________________________
FOOTNOTES:
[1] I know; the title is misleading.
[2] I mean I can, but I need a strong electromagnet and a small animal. You see, water is diamagnet, and by magnetic theory… okay, okay, I’ll skip the lecture and get to the fucking.
[3] Yes, I’m aware bad acid can’t do that.
[4] Opal wants me to write down that it isn’t lovely, it’s a bitch to clean and she now hates black and white tiles with a burning passion.
[5] Remember kids, there’s nothing sexier than sword metaphors!
[6] Dragon King of Hogwarts
[7] The sigh was precisely 37% disappointment, 33% relief, 12% conflicted feelings about my sexuality, 10% pure bliss, and 8% longing,

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