Just a bit of fun…….

Got these from a site a friend recommended to me. Check out my profile for other jokes. Ratings and comments appreciated

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in

A woman calls her veterinarian and tells him that her male German
shepherd is making sexual advances towards her. He responds by
suggesting that she can bring him in to have him neutered.
“No,” she replies, “All I want you to do is clip his toe nails and
sweeten his breath.”
==========================================================================
A man walks into a bar with a St. Bernard and asks for a martini. The dog
requests a double martini.
The bartender says to the man “So you’re a ventriloquist. Big deal. We don’t
serve dogs in here.”
The man gets up to go to the men’s room, and the dog again requests his drink.
The bartender is amazed. “Good God, you can talk. Will you do a favor for me?”
The dog replies, “What’s in it for me?”
The bartender goes to the cash register and takes out a $20 bill. “Here’s $20.
Go across the street to Riley’s bar and tell the guys in there that they are a
bunch of wimps and that our softball team will whip their a**es when we play
them this weekend.”
The dog goes out. His owner returns and asks “Where’s Rex?”
The bartender says “He went across the street to do me a favor.” The
owner is visibly upset and says “I don’t let Rex out alone!”
The dog’s owner leaves immediately to retrieve Rex, but Rex is not across the
street. He is in the gutter in front of the bar going at it fast and hard with
an Irish Setter. The owner is amazed. “Rex, what’s come over you? You’ve
never done anything like this before.” Rex responds, “I’ve never had money
before.”

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Hope you like it.

A joke for the ppl who never heard it before.

You know the drill, comment, rate, and give me your favourite jokes if you’d like to see them in a new ‘Reader Favourite’ post…..

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
12. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
14. Women who claim the “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.
20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

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Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl’s house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says “See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can’t have one!”
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling “Nah na nah na nah”.
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. “See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can’t have them!”
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says “You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can’t go buy you one!”
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl “Well, what do you have to say NOW?”
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says “My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”

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I’ve STILL been getting a fair few emails from people (I’m assuming women) that I’m not posting enough jokes critisising men (ofcourse it couldn’t possible have anything to do with the possibility that I’m a guy, right ladies?), and since due to demand I’ve just added a page called “Jokes about Women” I thought it’d be fair to put a slightly longer one about men….

A joke for the ppl who never heard it before.

The cops raided the local brothel and had all of the girls standing in line
waiting to enter the paddy wagon. A little old lady walked up and asked one
of the girls what the line was for. The girl sarcastically stated that they
were handing out lollipops. The little old lady, having missed the sarcasm,
liked the idea of getting free lollipops, so she got in line, too. When she
got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, “Hey grandma, aren’t you a little
old to be doing this?” She replied, “As long as they keep making them, I’ll
keep sucking them.”

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This is just a little something a friend once told me and i found pretty funny, you may ofcourse agree or disagree….

A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl to spend the night
with him. She agreed to do so for $500. When he was ready to leave in the
morning, he told her that he didn’t have any money with him but that he
would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as “rent
for an apartment.” On the way to the office, he decided that the whole
thing wasn’t worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his
secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear madam:
Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount I agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression:
1. That it had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. That it was small.
Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn’t any heat and
it was entirely too large.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with
the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear sir:
I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how
you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As
for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on. As
for the size, it isn’t my fault if you didn’t have sufficient furniture
to fill it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Sometimes a good comeback is compensation enough…]

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Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.
4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls – if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
A Man’s thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)
1. First of all, yes you’re obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don’t worry about it and be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.
5. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.
13. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

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this is real short as most jokes are.

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, ‘I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.’
The husband replies, ‘That’s no big thing in this day and age.’
The wife continues, ‘But I’ve only been with one guy.’
Oh yeah? Who was the guy?’
‘Tiger Woods.’
‘Tiger Woods the golfer?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.’
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
‘What are you doing?’ asks his wife.
The husband says, ‘I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.’
‘Tiger wouldn’t do that!’ she claims.
‘Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?’
‘He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.’
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
‘What are you doing?’ she asks.
The husband says, ‘I’m still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.’
‘Tiger wouldn’t do that,’ again she claims.
‘Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?’
‘He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.’
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, ‘Are you calling room service?’
‘No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole!’

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A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, “Mom I’ve got a problem.”
She says “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are.
He says “well, pussy and bitch”.
She says “Oh That’s no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.”
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says “Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?”
He tells him…pussy and bitch.
Dad says “OK” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “son, everything inside this circle, is pussy.”
“OK dad, so what’s a bitch?”
“Son” he says, “everything outside that circle.”

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A joke for the ppl who never heard it before.

just something to read

May not be the best ideas, but i guarentee they’ll make your trips to the toilet more interesting.

A joke an old friend of mine used to tell a lot. Pretty long, but the payoff is good. Lol

One fine day, Superman went to visit his good friend Wonder Woman.
As he approached her front door, he heard some moaning sounds coming from an open window.
Curious, he went to the window and peered inside.
The sight he saw was shocking.
Wonder Woman was naked on her bed. Her legs were spread wide open, her arms were at her side, her eyes were closed, and she was moaning like she was having sex.
Superman figured that she must be asleep and having an erotic dream.
Becoming super horny, Superman was unable to control himself.
He flew through the open window, landed on top of Wonder Woman, fucked her, and flew back out the window, all faster than a speeding bullet.
Wonder Woman opened her eyes wide and exclaimed “What the fuck was that!!!”
And the Invisible Man gasped “I don’t know, but all of a sudden my asshole is killing me!!!”

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I heard this a long time ago and i thought you would all like it

One day the lone ranger is out Riding the rage on his horse, silver. Silver was an incredibly smart horse. However later that day they were ambushed by Indians.
Bound and helpless the Indian Chief walked up and spoke to the lone ranger:
“YOu very brave, so before we kill you,we give you 3 wishes, one a day for 3 days, when done, you Die. You make first wish.
The Lone ranger considers and says “for my first wish, I Want to speak with my Horse.
A bit offended that their gift was taken so frivolously they reluctantly agree and the Lone ranger moves next to Silver strokes his noes and whispers into the horses ear.
When finished Silver tosses up his head and gallops off. This confuses the Indians until Silver returned with a very long haired red headed beautiful woman stark naked in his saddle.
At this the Indian’s chuckle “white man want last night with Woman.
The next morning the Chief appears in front of the Lone Ranger “what Wish Number 2?”
Again the Lone ranger says “I wish to speak to my Horse.
Now curious the Indian’s grant this, and again the Lone ranger Gently strokes Silver’s nose and whispers into the Horse’s ear. As soon as he finishes Silver again Gallops off.
Now the Indians wait to see what the horse will return with. Sure enough near sunset, Silver returns with a Gorgeous naked black haired woman in his saddle.
The Indians are a bit insulted that this brave man seems to have only one thought on his mind.
The Final morning the chief again approaches the Lone ranger “What want for 3rd wish”
Again the Lone ranger says “I wish to speak with my horse.
Having been thru this twice before the Indians bring silver over, only this time the Lone Ranger grabs the horses bridle, looks the fore RIGHT in the eye and says “for the last time POSSE! P *O *S *S *E! POSSE!

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Lol… love this one.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

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A school teacher was teaching her first graders about religion and explaning in detail how after death the soul goes to heaven and the body stays on earth.
So after half an hour she started asking her pupils questions, and then she asked a boy named Jason:
Tell me Jason what part of the body did i say goes to heaven first?
Jason looked at the teacher and said
-Well miss you said that it’s the soul but it’s wrong it’s the legs !
-Why do you say that?
-Well it’s simple last night i went into my parents house and saw my mom screaming with her legs up in the air OH GOOODD AM CUMIINGG!

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An old favorite