A girl with scary prays

Hand from an alley.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”.
I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!”
He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.”
He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.”
He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too!”
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
“You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.”
The Judge said, “Me too!” Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning.
I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog.”

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have some fun

I’M GLAD I’M A MAN
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west.
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won’t cry if you say it’s not going to work.
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a man, you see.
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery.
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days.
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!
I’M GLAD I’M A WOMAN
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt.
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind.
I’m a woman you see-I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack.
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb.
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I’m a woman, you know-I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

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one liner jokes

A joke for the ppl who never heard it before.

A little boy and hsi dad are walking down the street and they see two dogs fucking. The little boy asks his father, “Daddy what are they doing?” , They’re trying to make puppies the father replies.
Later that night watching animal planet with his son, they see two lions fucking, they little bay asks his father , “Daddy what are they doing?” They’re trying to make kittens the father replies.
The little boy walks into his parents room around 1;30 in the morning and sse’s his parents fucking and says “Daddy what are you doing?” “We’re trying to make you a little brother or sister”, the father replies
“Turn her over I want a puppy”, the little boy blurts out

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A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he stumbles through the front door, his wife snaps at him, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” The man replies, “I’m sorry honey. I ran out of money.”
///////////////
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked the car. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, “Ouch! That ring is hurting me!” To which he replied “That’s no ring… That’s my watch!”
//////////////////
A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the leaned over, wakes the woman and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?” The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says “I have a better idea, just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married!” The man says happily, “Sure. That sounds great!” The woman says, “Good… get your own fucking blanket!”
///////////
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street, when they come across this dog sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, “I sure wish I could do that!”
The other one looks at him and says, “Well, I think I’d pet him first.”
////:///////////,
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
She replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”

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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
“What are you doing?” asked the mother.
“Mom, I’m 40 years old and look at me. I’m ugly. I’ll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband.” The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
“What the hell are you doing?” he asked.
His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I’m 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.” The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and holding the vibrator up his ass with the other, watching a football game on TV.
“What on earth are you doing?” she cried.
The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m going? I’m having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!”

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This is really just common sense, but believe it or not, common sense isn’t all that common…….

This is just the beginning of what I have, but right now this is all i can be bothered to write……..

You know the drill, comment, rate, and give me your favourite jokes if you’d like to see them in a new ‘Reader Favourite’ post…..

Old joke I heard when I was younger, hope you like it

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself”.
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Not that well…when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my mail man came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: – $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: – $2.50.
Hand Job: – $10.00.
After checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “Can I help you?”
“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
“Yes”, she purrs, “indeed I am”
The man replies “Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

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Charges read out.

a very drunkman was laying on a beach jacking off when a little girl about 5 came walking toward him so he threw a newspaper over his erection..”whats under there?”asked the little girl…after a minute the man replied his pet bird…”can i play with it?”..the man shakes his head,the girl walks away and the man falls asleep…he wakes up in the hospital in tremendous pain and after asking the doctor what happenend the doctor told him he suffered mass injury to his genitials….the man told police about the little girl maybe she saw something…the little girl was brought to the hospital and when asked she said,”well u had a pet bird on the beach so i played with it when he fell asleep and after a while it spit in my eye and hair,so i broke the birds neck,crushed his eggs,and set his nest on fire

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You don’t have to smile at them afterwards
You don’t have to get out of bed to fetch them
They don’t get tired before you do…
You always know where your fingers have been
For variety, you have ten to choose from
They are also useful *out* of bed
You can stop if you want to
Your fingers don’t want to meet your family
Your fingers don’t get jealous
Your fingers don’t smell
Your fingers won’t just fall asleep afterwards
Your fingers don’t want you to meet *their* family
You don’t get jealous of your fingers
Your fingers don’t mind if you fall asleep afterwards
Your fingers won’t let you down (Snowwhite)
Your fingers don’t want to watch a football match instead
Your mother won’t critisize your fingers
You can’t get pregnant from your fingers
Your fingers don’t need batteries
People aren’t surprised to find you have them
Fingers don’t need adaptors to covert American plugs to English ones (I’ve heard this can be a problem.)
They don’t shrink afterwards (Snowwhite)
You always have them with you
You can chew on them when you are nervous (Snowwhite)
You can use more than 1 at a time
They are agile
They’ll never leave you (Snowwhite)
You don’t have to make your fingers coffee in the morning (Gideon)
You can also use them to clean the wax out of your ears (Gideon)
They want to when you want to
They don’t take up half the bed at night
They are easy to clean
If the ones you are using get tired, you can switch to some of the others
They don’t demand acrobatics in bed
They don’t want to try out stuff they heard from friends
You can use them to try out stuff *you* heard from friends without worrying about it going horribly wrong
They don’t look worried when *you* want acrobatics in bed
Your fingers don’t give you bite-marks (Addition: unless you *like* bite-marks)
You can share them with a friend
Fingers don’t cheat on you
Fingers don’t have hidden wifes/girlfriends/husbands/boyfriends/children
Your fingers don’t yelp when you give them bite marks
For variety you can paint them any colour you want?
It’s not suspicious if you take them to the toilet with you
Since they come on 2 hands, you can use them on 2 places at the same time
They write your e-mail for you
You can use them for netsex when company is required
They’re compatible with a wide range of leather goods and electrical appliances
No one ever fell in love with their fingers
They’ll change the video channel for you
You can use them to write down your fantasy and share it with people
They won’t ask: Am I the first?
You can type with them (although I’d rather like to see a man… *whistle*)
They won’t be disgusted when you have your period
They don’t snore, fart, burp or have smelly breath
They don’t want you to swallow
They don’t whistle after other, better-looking women or men
They don’t care if your hair is a mess
You don’t have to tell them how you’d like it
They don’t brag how great they are
They don’t cost you time, money or patience
They don’t want to know where you were last eveing
Your friends don’t criticise them
Their friends don’t criticise you (fingers don’t *have* friends)
Afterwards, they won’t ask: ‘Did you come?’ (Eva T.)
They don’t leave you to sleep in the wet spot (Eleni)
They don’t mind if you scream ‘oh yes, *METHOS*!!’
They’re useful for scooping up nutella, chocolate, lube (take your pick) and smearing it in the appropriate places… (Claire)
Fingers don’t ask who you are fantasizing about (Cher)
They don’t have STDs (Mona)
Fingers are more sensitive to what you are feeling (LP)
Unlike zucchinis, you don’t have to bring them to room temperature (tyree)
You won’t be crushed underneath them in bed (Che & Wes)
They come in varing sizes – thumb to pinkie, or any combination thereof, it’s up to you (Che & Wes)
There’re extremely gentlemanly – they’ll open doors for you, pull your chair out, and even cook you dinner! (Che & Wes)
They won’t finish just before you reach orgasm (Eva T.)
You don’t have to worry wether or not they wont come back after a goodnight

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Got these from a site a friend suggested to me. Check out my profile for other jokes. Ratings and comments appreciated

Guy comes home from work to find his pet parrot has eaten all his supply of Viagra which had left on the sideboard. He is so annoyed with the parrot he stuffs it into the freezer to teach it a lesson.
After an hour he decides the parrot has been punished enough so he opens the freezer to let him out. To his great surprise the parrot instead of being very cold is sweating his bollocks off, “why are you sweating so much?” he asks.
The parrot replies ” you would be too if you ever try getting the legs of a frozen chicken apart”

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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we had decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was just 22, had a very HOT slim figure, wore very short miniskirts or tight jeans, and generally went bra-less most of the time. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, brushing her long hair aside, and I always got more than a nice view of her ample cleavage. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else that I ever saw.
One day my Fianc? little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was still living with her parents, but she was all alone when I arrived. She quickly nuzzled up to me and whispered in a soft and sultry voice that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me, just once before I got married and committed my life with her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
Looking me straight in the eyes, she said in a sultry voice, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the stairs. She turned her head and winked at me seductively over her now bare shoulder, then while wiggling her nice buns, she scurried up to her bedroom.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Suddenly, before I got to my car, my entire future family came out of the bushes and was standing in the driveway, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!”
The moral of this story is…
…always keep your condoms in your car!

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I can’t remember where these came from (I’ve got thousands more of all types)

(this is a re-post of icesnake9985)

4 guys telling about their kids