Lovers in bed.

An American, an Englishman and a NewZealander were waling down the road one day, when they saw a sheep that had tried to jump a fence. The poor beast was hung up with it’s rump in the air and the back legs splayed and tangled in the wire.
The American looked up and said “oh Gods I wish that was Jaylo
The Englishman looked up and said “Lords I wish that was twiggy
And the New Zealander looked up and said “God I wish it were dark.

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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.
The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re going to live on $800 a year!’

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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”

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A joke I once heard

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn’t stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
“So, how much have you earned today?” the husband asked.
“Well”, the woman responded, “I’ve made one hundred dollars and fifty cents.”
“That’s strange”, the husband responded, “who gave you the fifty cents?”
Said the woman: “All of them, of course!”

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You know the drill, comment, rate, and give me your favourite jokes if you’d like to see them in a new ‘Reader Favourite’ post…..

One dayin Iraq, a brand new Lt, arrives in the outpost in the middle of the desert. He quickly develops a reputation as a know it all.
After a while, the Lt begins to get, lonely for companionship, so not wanting to look foolish in front of his men, he calls his Sgt aside and asks him “what do the men do for entertainment around here?”
The Sgt shrugs and says “well there is a town 40 miles north, another town about 45 miles to the west, another to the southeast
The Lt looks a bit short tempered and stops the Sgt “Sgt, I mean how do the men get…ENTERTAINMENT.
The Sgt gets a sly look and winks “we have a Camel out back”
The Lt looks a bit sick “A Camel? I don’t think I am THAT desperate.” and stalks off.
About a month later, The Lt is really feeling the need, so he returns to the Sgt and says “o.k. Show me how to…er..USE this Camel…
The Sgt grins and takes the Lt out back “now you just put your hand on her neck” The Sgt demonstrait and the Camel kneels right down.
Not wanting to lose his nerve the Lt looks at the Sgt and says “I can take it from here Sgt, Dismissed”
“but SIR” the Sgt protests
“I SAID Dismissed Sgt!”
So the Sgt salutes and leaves. He waits about 20 min, and doesn’t see the Lt, so he decides to have a look, and sure enough there is the Lt bent over humping the Camel.
The Sgt begins to laugh loudly and the red faced Lt snarls “what are you LAUGHING at! didn’t you say ALL the men USE this Camel!?
The Sgt wipes tears from his eyes grinning and says “Yes sir..they RIDE it into the town!

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1.Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2. Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow…just start them.)
7. Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not wear revealing clothes in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, “just do it”)
10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave ’em in the middle)

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A Greek and Italian were arguing
over who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, “We have the
Parthenon.” Arching his eyebrows, the Italian
replies, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek retorts, “We Greeks
gave birth to advanced
mathematics” The Italian, nodding agreement,
says, “But we built the Roman
Empire.”
And so on and so on until the Greek
comes up with what he thinks will
end the discussion. With a flourish
of finality he says, “We invented
sex!” The Italian after a few moments replies, “That is true, but
it was the Italians who introduced it
to women.”

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.

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A teacher is teaching her class of eight year olds English. She asks her young pupils to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. The class goes quiet for a moment until little Tommy raises his hand. The teacher hesitates for a moment as Tommy has a reputation for being rude and disruptive. As the rest of the class remains silent, the teacher finally gives in. Tommy stands up and says, “ My aunty’s cardigan has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only ‘fasten eight’.”
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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The more you rate/comment me, the more jokes I’ll write…… They ratings/comments don’t have to be good, I just want an opinion……

Not everything is as it seems

please go easy as this is my first time writing… Enjoy 😀

EGGS
A traveling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse. The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my beautiful daughter.”
“Oh, I don’t mind that,” exclaims the salesman.
“Just one thing,” says the farmer. “No funny business.”
“Oh no sir,” says the salesman. “You can count on me.”
Just to be safe, the farmer builds a wall of eggs between the two beds in the daughter’s room. In the middle of the night, the salesman can no longer control himself, busts through the eggs and has his way with the farmer’s daughter.
They take the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall.
The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter’s room and takes a couple eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. Cracking open the first egg, of course, produces nothing. Cracking open the second egg, likewise.
The farmer pokes his head out the window and yells, “OK, which one of you roosters is using a rubber?”

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a little boy went off to camp for the first time ever.the first nite there it started to thunder and lightning,so the the little boy ran into the sexy counslers tent..
boy: i am scared can i sleep with u
woman: no its not right
boy: but mom says its ok
woman: fine
so the boy crawls over and lays beside her
boy: can i play in your bellybutton,it will calm me down
woman: NO!
boy: but mom says its ok
woman: fine
after a few minutes
woman: THATS NOT MY BELLY BUTTON!
boy: and that aint my finger

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A man gets to Las Vegas and cannot wait to hit the Casino’s. Sure enough Lady Luck smiles on him and he hits it big. Taking his winnings, the Casino offers him the High Roller’s suite. On his way up he tips the Butler, and says:
“I hear Las Vegas has the BEST hooker in the world right here”
The Butler replies “Yes that is true sir”
“send her up!” the Guy says.
About an hour later there is a knock at the door and in walks the Hooker dressed in a slinky gold dress.
Excited the Guy asks her “how much for a Hand Job?”
“50 Dollars” the Hooker replies.
50DOLLARS? the man exclaims
The Hooker opens the drapes and points down to the street where a Brand New Rolls Royce is sitting and says “Bought and paid for one night, these hands.
Now curiosity has him and he pays the 50, and sure enough it is the BEST thing the guy ever felt…
Relaxing with a smoke the guy asks “how much for a Blow Job?”
Without blinking the hooker says “500 Dollars”
The man is stunned “500 Dollars for a BLOW job?
The Hooker again goes to the window and points to a condominium “Bought and paid for, one night these lips”
Unable to resist and after the great hand job, the guy pays and sure enough, it is the most WONDERFUL thing the man ever felt.
So after, he is panting and excited and asks “I have GOT to know… How much for straight sex.
Again without blinking the Hooker says “5000 dollars”
The guy is just amazed “really 5000?
The Hooker goes to the window and points to Ceasers Palace
Now the guy calls her “Wait a min, I KNOW a hooker does NOT own Ceaser’s Palace!”
The Hooker smiles back at him and says “I would if I were a woman….”

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It’s Stiff.

As always your comments, ratings, and jokes are greatly appreciated, and yes, i know this joke is alot shorter then most of my other ones, sorry about that, I’ll probably add bigger ones when I have the time.

Hooker in Bar

One day, a young boy comes home from school, and hears a strange man in the Bedroom with his mother. Hiding in the closet he see’s a man in bed with his mother.
Suddenly his mother looks up and says “Oh my god, my Husband is home early! Quick hide in the closet.
Once inside the man hears a voice “man..it sure is dark in here…
The man startled tries to quiet the lad “Shhh..please be quiet”
The boy leans up and says “o.k. if you’ll buy my Base ball”
The man asks “how much?”
The Kid says “$100”
The man says “are you crazy? $100 for a base ball?
The kid shrugs “I’ll go ask dad then”
O.k. o.k.” the man says “here’s $100.
The next day, same thing..kid comes home, see’s the man, The man ends up hiding in the closet. and hears the young voice…
“Sure is dark in here?”
The man sighs “look you gotta be quiet?
The kid says “Sell ya my Ball mit for $100.
The Man sighs and pays.
Later that day, the Father asks the kid to play BaseBall. the Kids says he can’t he sold his ball and glove.
His dad asks how much and the kid shows him the $200.
Immediately Furious, the man says “that was NOT a fair price, you cheated that man, you go to church and go to confession RIGHT NOW>
So dad hauls the lad to church, and up to the confessional. The door closes and the Kid says “man, it sure is dark in here, and from the other side of the screen he hears a familiar voice say “don’t start THAT again!

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Pals in a bar.

Once again, not mine, got them from a site, you may or may not like them (obviously), blah blah blah……..