A young blonde woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” the captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” the captain said. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

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This my first post ever so hope you enjoy!!
One day a daughter goes to visit her dad at work and asks “Daddy, can I borrow the car?” Dad says “Sure but you have to give me a blowjob first.” So daughter gets down and starts working on him but after a couple seconds gets and says “Dad your dick tastes like shit!” He says “Oh yeah, I forgot…your brother has the car…”
Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Don’t post if your just going to
comment about jow fucked up incest is…it’s a joke…chill

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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

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Check out my profile for other jokes, ratings and comments appreciated

Ms. Nice Gal – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller – “You goddamn spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable?”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Disadvantages: Contagious.
The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair colour?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

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An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

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GRANDMA AND LITTLE BOY DISCUSSING SCHOOL
The grandmother greeted her 12-year old grandson when he came home from school and decided to make casual conversation. She said to him, “Johnny, what did you learn in school today?
Little Johnny looked at her and said, “Oh, the usual. I learned about masturbation, sexual intercourse, and AIDs prevention.”
The grandmother was mortified and swung her hand and slapped Johnny upside his face. “Now you know better than to use those kind of naughty words around this house. What kind of school would teach you those kind of bad things?” Johnny looked at her in bewilderment and felt ashamed of himself when his mother came into the room to ask what happened.
Grandmother blurted out that Johnny had told her how he learned about masturbation, sexual intercourse, and AIDs prevention in school and had said these words to her. Johnny’s mother started to calm old grandma down. She said to grandma, “You know nowadays, kids learn about sex in school as part of sex education and health class. I’m afraid your grandson was just being honest and straightforward with you and you should apologize to him.”
By this time Johnny had gone upstairs and was in his room when his grandmother came to speak to him and discuss what happened. She opened his bedroom door and found Johnny naked from the waist down in bed masturbating. Shocked by his behavior, she said to him, “Johnny, I wanted to talk to you more about what happened, but I can see you are busy studying for school…..”

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A couple meet in a bar and really seem to hit it off. Several beers later, they wind up at the mans house. The first thing the woman sees in the guys bedroom is: Teddy bears. Bright pink teddy bears. She shrugs it off and the two of them make steamy love all night. The next morning, they wake up and the guy says:
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Pick any prize from the bottom shelf.

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During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something so at least they would die laughing.
The navigator went down and said to the crew, “What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?”
The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and whammed it on the table. Just when his penis hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.
As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator, “Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?” The navigator then told him the story.
The captain replied, “Well, you better be careful with that penis of yours. The torpedo missed!”

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Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy”. I call mine “Sex.” He is a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!” Then, I said “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then, I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny – I have the same problem.”
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said. “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal any more.”
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

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Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. “What’s the problem?”
“I want to hit that adulterin’ bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the oil man. “I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn’t a piece of property; you don’t own her!”
“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin’ rights!

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Two guys sneak into a farmer’s fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. “Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want,” said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.
The farmer says,”now shove em’ all up your ass.”
The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.
“Why you laughing?” asked the farmer.
To which the man replied, “My friend is out picking watermelons!”

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TIGHT MINI SKIRT
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

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Basiclly I’m Cinemasins for this site.

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the “new, improved” method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ANSI does it in the standard way
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest – penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
C’Bers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can’t stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRY WALLER’S are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGE MEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep ’em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILE MEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.
WRITERS have novel ways.
ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

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A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love”.
The old man replied, “I thought so…would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window…they’re choking my ducks!”

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A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite on the romantic island of Jamaica. After unpacking, the husband abruptly took off his pants. “Put these on,” he said to his wife. She did, and they were nearly twice her size. “There’s no way I can wear these. They’re too big,” she said.”
“Good, now you know who wears the pants in the family.”
Flustered, the wife takes off her underwear and gives it to her husband. “Put these on,” she commands. The husband looks at the small pair of underwear and then at his waist and says, “There’s no way I can get into these.”
To which the wife replied, “You’re right about that until you change your attitude.”

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Hehe

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in.
The guy said, “Dude,thank goodness you showed up!” “I’m starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch.”
The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly.
The guy said, “Dude, don’t ask any questions, just sell it to em.”
The friend said, “Ok”. So the guy left.
A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, “I want a vibrator. What do you have?”
The friend said, “We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones.”
The lady said, “I’ll take a little red one to carry in my bag.”
He sold it to her.
Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, “I would like a vibrator, what do you have?”
The friend replied, “Red, black or white, large, medium or small.
The woman asked, “Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?”
The friend said, “Well, I’ll sell it to ya if you want,” so she bought it.
A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, “Thanks Dude, you’re a life saver. So did you sell anything?”
The friend said, “Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos.”

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There once was a man, that was an absolute golf NUT. Once each year he would save up for an all expenses paid golf vacation on a resort Island.
This year he met a beautiful woman. and they hit it off famously Golf all day, and wonderful sex all night.
At the end of the 2 weeks, the man proclaimed his love for her and asked her to marry him. HOWEVER, he explained “I LOVE golf, I eat sleep and DRINK Golfs, and you’ll have to accept that.
Overwhelmed and close to tears, the woman replied that see too…had a secret that he must first know before they could wed.
“Honey” she said “I’m a Hooker”
The man shrugged and replies “Your breaking your wrists before you hit the ball!

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It has been studied and determined that the most often used
Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs…
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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There is a fly flying above the lake, unbeknownst to this fly, a fish was watching him , and thinking if that fly would drop four inches, I could jump out of the water and have me some dinnner, unbeknownst to the fish there was a bear watching the fish watching the fly, and the bear was thinking, if that fly would drop four inches, the fish is gonna jump out to grab the fly and I can reach out and grab the fish and have me some dinner. Well unbeknownst to the bear, there’s a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. The hunter’s thinking if that fly would just drop four inches, that fish is gonna jump out of the water to grab that fly, that bear is gonna reach out and grab that fish, I’ll be able to crack off a shot, and have me some dinner. Well unbeknownst to the hunter, there is a mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The mouse is thinking, if that fly would drop four inches, that fish is going to jump out of the water, that bear is gonna reach out and grab that fish, the hunter is gonna crack a shot, that cheese sandwich is gonna fall out of the hunter’s pocket, and I’m gonna have me some dinner. Well, unbeknownst to the mouse, there is a cat, watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. And the cat was thinking, if that fly would drop four inches, that fish is gonna jump out of the water and grab that fly, that bear is gonna reach out and grab that fish, that hunter is gonna crack a shot at that bear, that mouse is gonna jump on that cheese sandwich that falls out of the hunters pocket, I can grab that mouse and have me some dinner. Well, wouldn’t you know it, that fly dropped four inches, that fish jumped out of the water and grabbed that fly, that bear reached out and grabbed that fish, that hunter cracked a shot at the bear, and that mouse jumped on that cheese sandwich, the cat jumped for the mouse, missed and slid right into the lake. What’s the moral of the story?? When the fly drops four inches, the pussy gets wet!!!!

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For those who said my last joke wasnt funny, write your own shit

A 20 year old girl and 20 year old guy were engaging into foreplay. The girl proceeded to pull out his penis and stroke it till it got hard. As soon as the guy goes to put on the condom his penis starts to go down.
“No problem, I’ll get it back up again” says the girl. So she strokes his penis again until it got rock hard but as soon as he started to put on the condom, he got soft again.
The girl got frustrated and this time give him some head until he got rock hard. But soon as he tried to put the condom on, we went soft again.
“WTF” she says with an agitated voice. “What is wrong with your penis? Why it keep going down?”
“Nothing is wrong with my penis” he says. “Let me try something different this time”
She started to handstroke him again until he got rock hard. He then proceeded to put on the condom and this time he did not go down. Then they had passionate sex for a good hour.
Finally after they finish she said “WOW that was great!” ” So how come the first few times you kept going down but then you manage to get it up?”
“You don’t want to know” says the guy. “Of course I do, it’s okay, you can tell me” says the girl.
So the guy says, “Okay, but don’t take this personal, but I never opened my eyes”

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What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
Ans: Cash and Carry.

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Preparing for mams Bukkake.

Another old joke, and yes I love the Leafs

Check out my profile for other jokes, ratings and comments appreciated

As always your comments, ratings, and jokes are greatly appreciated