A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked, How often I should have it?” His grandfather told him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time, and will maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.”
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?”
His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.”
“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.
“Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, ‘Fuck You’, and I holler back, ‘Fuck You’ too.”

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A little boy asks his father if he can get in the shower with him and he says yes.
So they get in and the father says don’t look down and he does. The boy said whats that and
the father said it is his snake. The next night he asks his mom if he can get in and she
said yes. So they get in and the mom says don’t look down and he does and asks what it is.
She said that is my bush. The next night they all get in bed and they said don’t look down and when
he does he screamed “Oh my…. Daddy’s snake is caught in mommy’s bush!

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Do you know why God created man?
Ans: Because She knew her vibrator wouldn’t take out the garbage.

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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. “One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, ‘Kiss me. Kiss me, and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.’
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ‘You now have 3 wishes.’
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ‘I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.’
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ‘What will be your second wish?’
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ‘I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.’
She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ‘You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?’
I looked at her and replied, ‘How about a little head?'”

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On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his Penis.
He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said “I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away.”
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr. Chu Wong.
Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said “These Amadican Doctors – so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not necesally.”
Joe was relieved.
Dr. Wong said “You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.”

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“Hello darling,” breathed the obscene phone caller. “If you can guess what’s in my hand, I’ll give you a piece of the action.”
“”Listen Dude,” drawled the lil’ Texas lady, “If y’all can hold it in one hand, I ain’t interested.”

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How do you break a blonde’s nose?
Place a dildo under a glass table!

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In Class one day a boy asks his teacher can he go to the bathroom..
The teacher tells him “Yes You have 5 minutes”…
The boy comes back 5 minutes later with no shirt on and the teachers asks him where was he….
The boy replied..”ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL”…
Another boy raises his hand and asks can he go to the restroom..
The teacher says yes “You Have 10 minutes”….
The boy returns 10 minutes later with no shirt or shoes..
The teacher asks him were was he the boy replied “ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL”…
A third boy raises his hand and asks can he go to the restroom the teacher says yes..
“You have 15 minutes”..The boys returns 15 minutes later with no shirt, pants, or shoes on..
The teacher asks him where was…The Boy replies “ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL”..
The forth boy raises his hand and asks can he go to the restroom..The teacher says yes “You have 20 minutes”…The boy returns 20 minutes later with no shirt,pants,shoes,and socks on…The teacher asks him where was he and the boy replied “ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL”….The last boy raises his hand and asks can he go to the restroom..The teacher says yes “You have 20 minutes”…The Boy returns 30 minutes later with no shirt,pants,shoes,socks,or underwear on…The teachers asks where was he and where was their cloths…all the boys said in unison…”ON TOP OF BLUEBERRY HILL!!!”…A girl walks in completely naked the teacher asks her who she is and the girls replies..”I’M BLUEBERRY HILL!!!” :-)…

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There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.
Well, there weren’t too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out, for a price.
The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman’s breast.
Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
One day, the woman realized that the man’s suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, “Is there anything else you’d like?”
The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, “Yeah, got any cookies?”

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A husband and wife stuck on a desert island take turns climbing the only palm tree in search of a rescue ship. One day the husband calls out, “Helen, a man on a raft is approaching.” When the man arrives, they tell him their story and that they are glad he is there because now each needs only to lookout for 8 hours instead of 12. The new man climbs the palm and after an hour he calls down, “Hey, stop fucking down there.”
The husband and wife look at each other perplexed and call back, “We aren’t fucking.”
The next day the man is on his watch in the palm and calls down, “Hey, stop fucking down there.”
Again the husband and wife shake their heads and answer, “We aren’t fucking.”
The next day the husband is up in the palm, looks down and thinks to himself, “You know , it DOES look like they are fucking down there.”

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There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.
A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they’d heard last night was.
He replied, “Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.”
The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.
During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, “Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.”
Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.
So, he said, “Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

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Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa.
After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.
The Colonel’s wife smiled demurely, “Don’t worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I’ve been able to tell what he has in his hand.”

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A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse… he said that they would have sex on the bell system.
He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off… two bells meant get into bed… and three bells meant start fooling around.
The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system…. he hollered “One Bell” and she took off her clothes. He hollered “Two Bells” and she got into bed. He hollered “Three Bells” and they started fooling around like crazy.
A few minutes later, SHE yells “Four Bells.”
“Four Bells?” the fire chief asks, “What is four bells?”
“Let out more hose, Your nowhere near the fire!”

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A young man comes home from the armed forces on leave for the first time, and his dad takes him out for a beer. When they get their beers, his dad asks him, “So son, how do you like the army so far?”
“Pretty good, dad,” the son replies, “but I had a strange experience the other day during parachute jump training.”
“What happened?” asked his dad.
“Well, we were up about 5000 feet, I was last in line, and when we got the green light, everyone jumped except me. I froze up in the door. The jumpmaster was about 6’7″, 250-lbs, and gay. He said if I didn’t jump, he was going to take me into the back of the plane and fuck me up the ass!”
“Well, did you jump?” asked his dad.
The son replied, “A little bit, at first.”

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A beautiful girl gets catches the eye of a young man at a party. He brings her a glass of wine, introduces himself and starts up a conversation. Seems that they like the same music, movies, food, etc. With all this in common, he figures he has a good chance to score. So he says,”Look, we are so compatible in so many areas, imagine how great we’ll be in bed!”
She says, “No, I can’t.”
He continues,”Am I not funny, caring, and intelligent enough for you?”
“Absolutely, but I just can’t,” she says.
“Look, I’ll send you flowers, call you tomorrow, buy you candy, what do you say?” he says.
She says,”Look, all that is true, but I’m on my menstrual cycle!”
He says, “That’s Okay, I’m on my Kawasaki, you can follow me!”

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LITTLE GIRL EXPLAINING WHERE BABIES COME FROM
One afternoon, a little girl returns home from school and announces to her mother that her friend has told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replies: “Really, sweetie, why don’t you tell me all about it?”
The little girl explains, “Well… okay… the mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, and the daddy’s thingy sort of stands up, and then mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that’s how you get babies!”
Her mom shakes her head, leans over to meet her eye-to-eye, and says, “Oh, honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not how you get babies…… That’s how you get jewelry.”

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One day, John decided to invite over his mother for dinner with him and his roommate, Julie. Julie made a great dinner, but John’s mother started to suspect more than friendship. The next day, Julie told John that the soup ladle was missing. This is the letter he wrote to his mother:
Dear Ma,
I’m not saying you did take the soup ladle, but I’m not saying you didn’t. But the fact remains, It’s missing.
Love,
John
This was her response…
Dear John,
I’m not saying you did sleep with Julie, But I’m not saying you didn’t. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it by now.
Love,
Mom

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There was this guy who was a new arrival at this logging camp in the wilds of British Columbia, Canada. After a couple of weeks he decides to go into the only town within a hundred miles and have a few beers at the local pub. After three or four beers, he asked the bartender about the availability of some “ladies of the evening.” The bartender told him that he hadn’t seen a woman in the town for at least ten years, however, he mentioned that there was this Chinese cook out in the kitchen. The logger stopped him right there and said: “No. I don’t go for that shit.”
So, he had a few more beers and went back to the camp. He returned in about three weeks, had a few beers and again asked the bartender if there were any ladies available. The bartender told him no, however, the Chinese cook was still in the kitchen. The logger, again, told him that he didn’t go for that shit and returned to camp.
About four weeks went by and the logger was getting desperate. He went back to the bar, had a few beers and asked the bartender, again about the ladies. The bartender again told him there were none and again reminded him about the Chinese cook. The logger again said; “No. I don’t go for that shit.” Then he thought about it for awhile and asked the bartender: “If I go out back with the Chinese cook, how many people will know about it”?
Well, the bartender says, ‘There will be you and me. All together, there will be four.”
“Four!” cries the logger. “I thought there would be just you and me. Where did the the other two come from?
And the bartender says, “Hell man. It takes two guys to hold him down. He don’t go for that shit either!”

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Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections, who can’t remember what to do with them.

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There were 3 dicks standing on the corner. They were talking about how hard there lives are. The first dick said, “I have it the worst, my master plays with me all night.” The second dick said, “No, I have it much worse than you, my master strokes me all night.” The third dick says, “That’s nothing, my master puts a plastic bag over my head, shoves me in a dark tunnel, and makes me do push ups until I puke.”

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It’s the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, “You know, you’re really a lousy lover.” The husband replies, “How can you tell after only 30 seconds?”

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FATHER PATRICK WAS TALKING TO HIS REPLACEMENT IN A SMALL VILLAGE CHURCH. ‘FATHER MICHAEL’HE SAYS,YOU WILL BE LOOKING AFTER MY FLOCK FROM NOW ON.’BUT WHERE DO I START?THE YOUNG PRIEST REPLIES.’YOUV’E BEEN HEARING CONFESSIONS FOR OVER 50 YEARS,I’LL BE LOST’. ‘DONT WORRY,SAYS FATHER PATRICK,’I’VE WRITTEN A LIST OF SINS AND ABSOLUTIONS ON THE WALL IN THE CONFESSION BOX.LOOK UP THE SIN AND IT WILL TELL YOU NEXT TO IT WHAT TO SAY.AFTER A WHILE YOU’LL GET TO KNOW THE CONGREGATION AND YOU’LL BE OKAY’. ONE WEEK LATER,FATHER MICHAEL IS SITTING IN THE CONFESSIONAL BOX LOOKING AT HIS MENTOR’S LIST WHEN HE GETS HIS FIRST VISITOR.’FORGIVE ME FATHER,FOR I HAVE SINNED’,SAYS A FEMALE VOICE.I HAD TO PERFORM ORAL SEX ON MY HUSBAND LAST NIGHT’.THE PRIEST SEARCHES THE WALL BUT CAN’T FIND THE CORRECT ANSWER ANYWHERE.IN DESPERATION HE PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN OF THE BOX AND STOPS A CHOIRBOY. OI!!’WHAT DID THE PRIEST GIVE FOR A BLOWJOB?’ ‘A SNICKERS’THE LAD REPLIES.

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes bored into her shoulder blades for her wings.”
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
“Oh my God,” says the old lady, “now what is happening”?
“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.”
I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m off to hell.”
“You can’t go there,” says St. Peter, “You’ll be raped and sodomized.”
“Yes, but I’ve already got the holes for that,” says the old lady.

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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed…”

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A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. “My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?” So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?” Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!” She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica.”

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One day, a woman went to the doctor’s office and said, “My husband isn’t doing very well in bed.”
The doctor handed her a bottle and said, “Give him one pill every night and see how things go.”
That night, she gave him one pill and had sex. The next morning, she woke up and said, “That was good. I’ll try two pills tonight.”
The next morning, she said, “That was great! I’ll try three pills tonight!”
The next morning, she said, “That was AMAZING! I’ll give him the rest of the bottle tonight!”
The next day, the doctor recieved a phonecall from a young boy. “Sir, you have to help me!”
“What’s wrong?” the doctor asked.
“You gave my mom some pills to give to my dad,” the boy said.
“Yes? And?” the doctor asked.
“Well, my mom’s dead, my sister’s in the hospital, my ass hurts, and my dad keeps going around the house saying, ‘Here, kitty kitty kitty…'”

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A man is Driving on a dark rode when his car starts to smoke…
In about ten minutes his cars die and it has been raining for sometime now…
He looks around until he sees a farm house with all the lights on in it…
HE pulled his coat over his head and run for the house…
When he get there he pounds on the door but gets on answer…
He walks around the house until he see someone in a window…
He looks in and see two old people standin the missle of the room…
The old women is looking at the old man shaking her tits…
The old man is looking at her while holding an umbrela and jacking off…
The man gets worried and run to the next farm down the rode…
The farmer is sitting on the front step…
The man asks for his help and the farmer goes and gets his tools…
They walk down to his car and get it running again…
The farmer looks at the man and asks…
Why he did not get help from the people at this farm…
The man takes him to the window where he he seen the two old people…
They both look and the farms ask what the problem is..
The man say that is not right…
The farmer looks at him and says…
There is nothing wrong with them there deff and dumd…
The old women is tell him to go milk the cows and he is saying fuck you its raining…

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This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her awhile then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”
She says, “I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?”
She says, “Well, your name never came up.”

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An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said “fuck you!”
A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.
After about half an hour of this the old man said “I’ll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!”

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PINOCCHIO NEEDS HELP WITH SEX
Pinocchio sought out Gippetto for help. He explained to Gippetto that every time he had sex with his girlfriend, she would get splinters and complain. Gipetto said to Pinocchio, “No problem. Before you have sex next time rub your nose with some sandpaper first.”
A few days later, Pinocchio ran into Gippetto. Gippetto asked him how sex with his girlfriend was going.
“What,” says Pinocchio, “who needs a girlfriend?”

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