Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat……
He says, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, “Here – try these on.” She did and said, “These are too big, I can’t wear them.”
I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never had any problems.”
“Hmmm,” says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, “Here try these on.”
She does and says, “These are too large, they don’t fit me.”
Mike says, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, “Here you try on mine.”
He does and says, “I can’t get into your pants.” Karen says, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will.”

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Song lyrics, to the tune of Big Rock Candy Mountain

A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, “If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?” She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. “Go get help,” he pleads.
She replies, “I can’t, I’m naked.”
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, “Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road.”
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, “Help! Help! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, “I think it’s too late- he’s too far in!”

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One day a lady goes to her doctor and asks her how to get her husband to sleep with her more. The doctor leaves the room then returns with a little bottle and says, “Put one pill into his coffee everyday, the results are instant.” The lady goes home and puts one into his coffee right away, and that night she got a little feel from her husband but nothing more. Disappointed, the next day she dumped in the whole bottle. Six months later the phone rings And the doctor asks, “Did they work”? The son replied, “My moms dead, my sister is pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad… Well Dad’s on the roof chasing the cat with a bottle of Vaseline.”

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Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Ans: Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.

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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her, “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

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When the fire chief retired from his dept. of 25 yrs., the dept. buys him a brass bell. He takes the bell home and tells his wife that if he rings the bell once, he is thinking about sex. If he rings it twice, he’s getting ready. If he rings it three times, here he comes. Well, later that night she hears ding. A few minutes later she hears, ding ding. A few minutes more and she hears. ding ding ding. They go at it for a while when he hears, ding ding ding ding. He asks his wife, “What the hell does that mean?”
She replies,”I need more hose or you have to get closer to the fire!”

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Three guys, who were old friends were hanging out one day when one of them starts looking at his hands continually. Finally one of the others asks him about this and the friend replies, “Well, I have noticed how small my hands are. I bet they are the smallest men’s hands in the world. I was thinking about going to the people at the Guinness Book of World Records and asking them to measure them to see if I can get in their record book. I believe they pay lots of money also.
Then the second guy starts in. He tells the others how small his feet are and relays how he only wears a size 5 shoe and that his feet are probably the smallest men’s feet in the world. He inquires about how much the record book pays and when told, decides to go with his friend with the small hands to the Guinness office.
The third guy is listening to the others and decides to offer up his story. He tells the others how embarrassed he is to admit this but that his penis size is so small, he is sure he could set the world record. Realizing how much money he could make if he gets in the record book, he also decides to go to the Guinness office with his friends.
All three are in the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records and the first guy with the small hands goes in.
Finally after two hours, he emerges grinning ear to ear and holding up a big check for $100,000. The other two men hover around him admiring his good fortune. Then the second guy with the small feet goes in and after a couple hours, he also emerges smiling and holding up a big fat check for $100,000.
The third guy with the small penis goes in but he is only inside the interviewer’s office for a couple of minutes and when he emerges, there’s a glum expression on his face and he doesn’t have any money either. The other men ask what happened.
He replies,”Do any of you know who [insert here the name of male friend who is listening to you tell this joke] is?”

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

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It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead…

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A woman from France is touring in the United States when she develops a serious case of the crabs. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition. Her English is not very good and she tells the pharmacist, “I vould like some medicine that geet reed of bugs in de bush.” The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The French woman did as she was instructed and bought one of these products.
In a week she was back in the pharmacy again and talking to the pharmacist. He asked her if her condition was cleared up.
“Why yes, eet is,” she replied. “In fact all of de bugs in de bush are gone. My hair down there, eets gone too. And Pierre’s moustache—eet’s also gone!”

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge fed tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, “what do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentleman responded, “Well twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
“No” she replied. “But my cucumbers are enormous.”

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A very dirty and disheveled Indian goes up to the front door of a whore house and says to the madam, “me want woman. I never had anyone before.” The madam takes one look at him and smells the Indian and realizes that she doesn’t want him near any of her women because he is so dirty and malodorous. Trying to be polite however, she tells him that he should practice first and then she will let him in. She tells him to locate a tree nearby with a knot hole and use it for practice. The Indian listens to her advice and leaves but in three days, he is back at the madam’s doorsteps as dirty and smelly as before.
When the madam answers, he says to her, “me practice and now me want woman.” The madam realizing her predicament decides to let the man go upstairs and have sex with one of the whores. While upstairs in bed with the whore getting ready for sex, the Indian hauls off and kicks the whore squarely in the butt. “Ouch,” screams the whore, “why did you do that to me?”
“Me check for bees first,” replies the smelly Indian.

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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”
“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He’d walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!” Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!” Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, “Take me now or climb the ladder to success!” Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
“Take me now or climb the ladder to success,” she huskily whispered. Harry couldn’t believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6’8″ hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, “Who are you?”
The biker answers, “I’m Cess.”

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A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes.” Asked how she used it, she said, “To assist sexual intercourse.”
The interviewer was amazed. He said, “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.”

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What’s the German word for VASELINE?
Ans: Eurweinerslider.

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Basiclly I’m Cinemasins for this site.

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get our of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

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Two Hillbillies were hunting with no luck. Then one of them saw a sheep with its head caught in a fence. One hillbilly looks at the other and says, “Let’s have sex with the sheep.”
The other one said, “ok.” So when the first Hillbilly is done he turns to second hillbilly and says, “Your turn.” So the second one sticks his head in the fence.

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A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.
After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks “Dad, what’s that hanging down from the elephant?”
His father replies “That’s his trunk son.”
“No, no, Dad,” says the boy, “at the back.”
“Oh, that’s his tail” replies his father.
“No, Dad,” the boy says, “Between his legs.”
The father looks over and replies “That’s his penis, son.”
The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father “Last week Mommy told me that was nothing.”
“Well son,” replies his father, “You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman.”

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.
As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to
another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.
After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doc says, “I bet you are a surgeon.”
She confirms, and asks how he knew.
“Easy, he said, you’re always washing your hands.”
“That’s very clever!” she says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”
“Wow, how did you guess?” he asked.
“I didn’t feel a thing!” she replied.

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along,”

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Upon arriving home from their honeymoon, the husband decides to play the tape he made of their first night . The tape starts up and his wife is heard to say on the tape, “That’s happiness, that’s happiness.”
The new husband’s wife walks into their bedroom and tells him, “Hey, you got it on slo mo, here rewind it and play it at normal speed.”
When the tape starts up, his wife is heard saying on the tape: “That’s a penis? …..that’s a penis?”

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact…. “Mary…Mary….”
“Is that you, Fred?”
“Yes Mary, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
“Not exactly — I’m a rabbit in Idaho!”

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother ( who couldn’t think of an answer)told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy said, “Yes she did.”
“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.”

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Q: What do eating pussy and dealing with the mafia have in common?
A: One slip of the tounge and you’re in deep shit!!

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Two fleas are talking about winter migration and one’s freezing its ass of.
FLEA1: “I spent the whole trip in a biker’s beard.”
FLEA2: “That’s not the way you do it, what you do is get on a plane and climb up a stuartess’s skirt and sleep in her pussy, that’s what I always do.”
The next year the fleas talk again. The first flea is still freezing his ass off.
FLEA2: “What the fuck is wrong with you, didn’t you do what I told you?”
FLEA1: “Yeah, you stupid pansy, I climbed up a stuartess’s skirt and slept in her pussy and I woke up in a biker’s beard!”

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