Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”

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What’s the difference between an airline stewardess and a bowling ball?
Ans. You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a little sex?’…..and she’s always sound asleep.”

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A bloke goes to the doctor and says, “I got this sex problem, doc.”
“Well,” says the quack, “Tell me about your average day?”
“Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o’clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work”.
“Oh I see,” said the doc.
“No, hang on,” said the man,”…you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there.”
“Oh….now I see, “said the quack.
“No you don’t,” said our hero. “When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom.”
“Oh….now I see” said the quack.
“No no no,” he said. “When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I’m very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie.”
“Now I understand,” said the patient doctor.
“No, hang on, “said the bloke. “When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she’ll give me the sack.”
“Ahh….”, said the doctor, “now I see.”
“No, there’s more,” said our man, “When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards.”
“What’s your problem?” asked the doc.
“Well…”, said our hero, “it hurts when I masturbate.”

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A man is looking for a Christmas gift for his wife, and after walking through the mall for hours he gives up and goes to the bar. He sees a friend of his sitting at the bar. He goes over to him and says, ” I will buy you a drink if you can give me some ideas about what to buy my wife for Christmas.” His friend replies, “I got my wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator.” He looks at his friend all confused and asks why. His friend explains that if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

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Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, “That was great how did you do that?”
The Boy told him, “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”
“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison.'”

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A couple were invited to a swanky family, masked, fancy dress, Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice “chick” he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.”

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A principal realized one day that he was not making as much money as he wanted to, so he decided to open a whore house. He decided to use people that were around him on his other job. He used janitors, students, and teachers. When the whorehouse opened and people started to come frequently he noticed that everyone wanted to go to the third floor where the teachers were. He even offered the people extra time with the men or women on the first and second floor but they all wanted to wait for the teachers. The principal decided to find out why everyone wanted the teachers so he started to investigate.
He went to the first floor where the janitors rooms were and he listened at the door. All he heard was, I’m going to get my money back…you halfway did your job.” He then went to the second floor where the students were and he listened. All he heard was, “Now what am I supposed to do again?” He finally got to the third floor and he listened at the teachers door. And this is what he heard: “We are going to do this over and over again until you get this right!!!”

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A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some.
“How hard is it?” she asked.
“About as hard as my dick,” he replies.
To which the woman replied, “OK, then pour me some!”

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Little Lucy found her cat, Tiddles, lying on the ground with its eyes shut, and its legs stiff in the air. “Daddy! What’s wrong with Tiddles?”
Daddy gently said, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.”
“But why are his legs sticking up in the air, Daddy?” asked Lucy, as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say, he replied, “Well, ah, Tiddles’ legs are pointing up because that makes it easier for Jesus to pick her up and take her back to heaven.”
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles’ death pretty well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy almost died this morning!”
“What? What happened, Lucy? Tell Daddy!”
“Well,” mumbled Lucy, “this morning I found Mommy lying on the kitchen floor with her legs straight up in the air, shouting,’Oh, Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!’ It’s a good thing the mailman was holding her down or she’d have gone to heaven!”

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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation… She is speaking in a cheery voice) “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

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This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

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Do you like mathematics? If you do, then stand up, subtract your clothing, add a bed, divide your legs and let’s multiply!

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How are condoms and women similar?
Ans: They both are in your wallet and aren’t on your dick enough.

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A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, “If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?” She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over.
The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. “Go get help,” he pleads.
She replies, “I can’t, I’m naked.”
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, “Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road.”
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, “Help! Help! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, “I think it’s too late–he’s too far in!”

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A young man is driving along in the middle of a thunderstorm when his car breaks down. Lucky for him a farm is nearby. He knocks on the door and a farmer answers. “Hi my car broke down i need a place to stay until morning. Is it alright if I sleep in the barn over there?” “Sure you can stay but on condtion, You stay away from my two virgin daughters Nelly and Venus. If you do I’ll kill you.” says the farmer. The guy thinks sure no problem.
Later that night. The guy thinks hell how would the farmer know. So he sneaks into the house, finds the girls bedrooms, and fucks both of them.
In morning the farm gives the man a ride into town and drops him off at his house.
4 months later the guy recieves a letter from the farmer. It reads.
Dear Sir, Since you met my daughter Nelly, she’s been growning at the belly. If your ever near stop around.
A few days later the farmer recieves a letter from the man. It reads.
Dear Farmer, Since I met your daughter Venus i’ve been scratching at my penis. So I think we’re fifty fifty all around.

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The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.” He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
“Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.”

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President Clinton died of a heart attack as a result of all of the harassment and scandals and entered the gates of Hell. The Gatekeeper greeted him, recognizing the President and said, “Mr. President, you were a good man and tried to serve your country, so I am prepared to cut you a deal. You will be allowed to pick between these three doors. Whichever one you choose, will be the one you enter.”
President Clinton went over to door Number One and opened it. Gazing in he noticed a deep pit and in the pit was former President Nixon. Nixon was bare naked and running around trying to get out and at the top of the pit were many devils throwing stones at him. His body looked beat up and battered and he did not look very happy to say the least. Clinton closed this door and opened up door Number Two. Gazing inside, he noticed former President Roosevelt. He was trying to move his wheelchair across a rope strung over another deep pit but he and his chair kept falling into the pit, unable to make it across to the other side. Once at the bottom of the pit, several devils would hurl stones at him. Roosevelt kept trying to get up the sides of the pit and then across the pit on the rope, but every time, he failed the same way. Clinton decided to close door Number Two. Finally, he opened door Number Three. Inside this door he could see Ken Starr totally naked and tied up to a wall with legs spread apart. On her knees in front of him and giving him a blow job was a woman wearing a black beret. Clinton looked excited now and told the Gatekeeper he wanted door Number Three.
“Okay,” replied the Gatekeeper, “door Number Three it is!” And then the Gatekeeper shouted into door Number Three, “Monica, you can leave now. Your replacement is here.”

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Two old boys from the Mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”
“But we’s privates,” protests Jasper.
“We’s sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside. “Now, Jasper, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.
You blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’s sergeants now.”
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
“Jasper,” he says, “what fo’ you give me the okay?”
“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But we’s sergeants now!”

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One day a boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school.” The father replies, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for 1 million dollars.” The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says, “Ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” He does and sure enough she says yes. The father says, “You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores.”

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This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.”
His mom is taken by surprise and says,”Oh, well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”
And the boy says, “Well, that won’t work!”
His mom says, “Why?”
And the boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!”

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Bob calls in to his job:
“Hey, boss I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”
The boss says:
“You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.”
2 hours later Bob calls:
“Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.”

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There was a 12 year old boy named David. He had heard about this house where you could go and have sex with any woman. There was one woman who had herpes. But, she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen. Most of the town has herpes because they had fucked her.
Well, one day the little boy was dragging a dead frog on a string up to the door of the house. When a woman answered he said that he would like to have sex with the one lady that has herpes. Looking astonished the woman agrees.
An hour and half later the boy is ready to leave. He is still carrying his frog. The woman, curious, asks the little boy why he is carrying the dead frog.
The little boy responded and said, “Well if you must know, when my mom and dad go out tonight they’re going to leave me at home with the babysitter, who is very fond of little boys. When my mom and dad get home, dad will drive the babysitter home and he’ll have a quickie with her, then he’ll come back home and screw my mom, then in the morning when my dad goes to work, my mom will take a long time in the kitchen with the milkman. And that is the mother fucking bastard who ran over my fucking frog!”

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This man buys a brand new Mustang. He decides to take it out and see what it can really do. So he is traveling down the highway going around 90. Suddenly he see a patrol car behind him with its sirens on. He thinks “I can out run that car easy.” So he starts speeding faster. Cop keeps pace. Faster and fast. Finally the man gives up and pulls over. The officer gets out and approaches the man. He says “I’ve had a long day and am almost done with alot of paper work, If you can give me one excuse for your driving that I’ve never heard before you can go.”
The man thinks for a second then says. “I just found out that my wife was having an affair with a police man. I though you were coming to return her.
The officer says. “Have a nice day!”

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REDNECK POETRY CONTEST
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists-a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was: “Timbuktu.”
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
“Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination – Timbuktu.”
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
“Me and Tim a huntin’ we went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.”
The redneck won hands down!

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What is the difference between meat and fish?
Ans: If you beat your fish, it will die.

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A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”
The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “He’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”
The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”
“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.
“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up.”

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INGREDIENTS:
2 laughing eyes
2 loving arms
2 well shaped legs
2 warm milk containers
1 fur lined mixing bowl
1 large banana
METHOD:
1. look into laughing eyes
2. spread well shaped legs
3. squeeze and message milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased
4. add banana and gently work in and out until creamed
5. cover with nuts and sigh with relief
NOTES:
Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash utensils and don’t lick the bowl.
ATTENTION:
IF BREAD STARTS TO RISE… LEAVE TOWN!

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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf….. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? ”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

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