A guy was trying to impress this sexy lady so she would go out with him. He told her, “Babe, if you go out with me, I’m gonna love you like you’ve never been loved before. She asked, “What are you going to do?”
He replied, “I’m gonna kiss you on the belly button.”
She said, “I have guys who do that all the time.”
He asks, “From the inside?”

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, “That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied “From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law.”

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A mum and dad take their boy to a nude beach, when they get there the dad walks off the mum sunbathes and the boy goes to swim in the sea, after a few minutes the boy goes running up to his mum saying “mummy mummy i saw two men with bigger willies then daddy” and the mum says “well the bigger they are the dumber they are” so the boy says “oh okay” and goes back to play in the sea. the boy then comes back a few minutes later saying “mummy mummy i saw two women with bigger boobies than you” and the mum says ” the bigger they are the dumber they are” and the boy replies “oh okay” and goes back to play in the sea. the boy then comes running back to his mom a few minuets later saying “mummy mummy i saw daddy talking to the dumbest women on the earth and the more and more he talked the dumber and dumber he got”

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Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine-year-old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?”
The nine year old says, “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother?”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

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A ventriloquist was on vacation, driving through the desert southwest. As he was driving, he noticed an adobe hut, with an Indian sitting on the front porch. There was also a horse next to the hut. The ventriloquist thought to himself, “I think I’ll have a little fun with this guy.”
He pulled over and walked up to the Indian and said, “Can I talk to your horse?” The Indian looked puzzled and said, “Horse no talk. You must be crazy man, think horse talk”
The ventriloquist said, “No I’m not crazy. I’m an animal communicator. Animals talk to me. Here, I’ll show you.” He walked over to the horse and put his arm around the horse and said, “Well, horse. How do you like living in this desert?”
The horse answered, “Not too bad. When the sun gets too hot, I just move into the shade.”
The man asked, “How about your owner, does he take good care of you?”
The horse answered, “Yeah. He feeds me and waters me. I’ve got no complaints.”
The man walked back over to the Indian, whose eyes were the size of silver dollars, and said, “See, I told you I could talk to your horse”
The Indian said, in shock, “Horse never talk to me”.
The ventriloquist then asked, “You got any other animals around here?”
The Indian answered, “Have sheep out back.”
The man asked, “Can I talk to one of them?”
The Indian, still in shock, blurted out, NO TALK TO SHEEP, SHEEP LIE!”

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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he began to climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. “Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, slightly easier on the eye. “Screw me hard, or climb the ladder to success,” she said. “Well,” thought the man, “might as well carry on.”
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was actually quite desirable. “Screw me now or climb the ladder to success” she said. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, best of the lot. “Love me hard and long or climb the ladder to success” she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
“Who are you?” the man asked.
“Hello,” the ugly fat man said. “My name’s Cess!”

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The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one Sunday Morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven “Which part of your body goes first?”
Suzie raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzie?
” Suzie replied:”Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!”
“What a wonderful answer!” the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.” The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t had her pinned down, we’d have lost her.”

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A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them taken aback. The picture depicts three very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; two have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, “Can I help you with this painting? I’m the artist who painted it.”
The man says, “Well, we like the painting but don’t understand why you have threeAfrican men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis.”
The Irish artist says, ” Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They’re not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.”

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Three young boys are sitting on a bench in the park. A little girl walks up and asks if the first little boy wants to go walking in the woods. He replies, yes, they take off, and are gone for about thirty minutes. When he returns he has a very big grin on his face. The same situation happens to the second little boy. He also comes back with a big grin on his face. Another girl walks up and asks the third little the very same question. He replies, no, and the little girl walks off. The two boys ask the third boy if he knew what went on in the woods and how much fun they had. He said, “yes, but my mom always told me if I did something bad I would turn to stone and something was getting mighty hard.

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A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o’clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked (thinking he is pretty weird). The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door.
Upset, she asked where he’d been.
The man replied, “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep.That’s why I’m late.”
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, “I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you?”

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There are three men who every weekend go fishing. They’ve been doing it since they were kids–same fishing hole. One weekend one of them decides to go off and get married, so the other two go fishing. A little while later the third one comes walking down the path with his fishing pole.his buddy looks up and says, “I thought you got married today?”
He replies, “Yup I did.”
“Well how come you’re not home consummating your marriage?”
“Can’t do it,,” he says, “she’s got gonorrhea.”
“Well why don’t you bend her over and come in from behind?”
“Nope she’s got diarrhea.”
“Well,” he says, “what about oral sex?”
“Can’t do it! She’s got pyorrhea.”
His other buddy says, “Why did you marry this girl anyway?”
“Well,” he says, “she’s got worms too and you know how I like to go fishing!”

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Sorry for what the story. Here’s the repost with no mistakes

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So what happened that is so horrible?”
Farmer: “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.”
Man: “That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So then what happened?”
Farmer: “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: “Again? So, what did you do then?”
Farmer: “I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.”
Man: “And then what?”
Farmer: “I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: “Wow, you must have been pretty upset!”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So then what did you do?”
Farmer: “Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

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FATHER TELLS DATE HIS DAUGHTER LIKES TO SCREW
It was the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.
“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool.” says Bobby. Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says “Whaaaat?”
“Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw, she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Bobby’s eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying “Have a good evening kids,” with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!”

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Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answer might be! You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”
“Relax honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her, “It will all be OK.”
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. “Where are you going?” Jane asked.
“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.” After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”
“What is it?” she cried excitedly.
“OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is: The head, the heart, and the penis.” The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. “The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies in her stomach. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the big question: “Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”
“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.
“Very good. Six seconds.”
“Eh, uh, the heart?”
“Very good! Four seconds.”
“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”
“That’s close enough!” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS–YOU WIN!!”

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It was Mike the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house gave him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, led him through the door, closing it behind him and then led him upstairs to the bedroom where she indulged him with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced. When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast of eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh squeezed OJ.
When his appetite was satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.
All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but what’s the dollar for?
Well, said the blonde, last night I told my husband that today would be your last day and suggested we do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said “screw him…give him a dollar.” The breakfast was my idea, said the blonde.

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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, and spend your last nine months floating… then finish off as an orgasm.

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple begin talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally. Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, “Pretty much the way you do.”
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny weenie member…about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.
“Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “it’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies, “all I got was a headache… She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

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A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
“I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive”, she said.
“Well,”said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?”
“$50.00?? For a Frog??” asked the woman.
The clerk said, “It’s a special frog. It gives blow jobs.” Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She’d get her husband a gift he’d surely enjoy, and she’d never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he’d try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she’d never have to give another blow job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
“What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?” asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, “Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here.”

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One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, “Do you know what it is?”
“No, I don’t,” said the little boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, “Spit it out! It’s a piece of Ass!”

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A married couple was having problems with their sex life. The husband showed a lack of enthusiasm and interest. Finally his wife decided to confront him and asked, “Honey, can you tell me what’s wrong? You don’t seem very interested in sex anymore. Is it my fault?”
Seizing on the moment, he replied, “Yes, the one thing I really would like would be if you could just moan when I made love to you.”
She agreed to his request but said to him, “You know I am not very experienced in this. The next time we make love, you will have to help me to moan at the right time.”
He said, “Of course.”
The next evening they were in bed and he started to kiss his wife. She stopped him in midstream and said, “Should I moan now.”
“No, not yet,” he replied. He proceeded to lift up her blouse and remove her bra.
She asked him, “What about now?”
“No, not yet.” Then he started fondling and kissing her breasts.
She asked him, “Do you want me to moan now?”
“No, not yet,” he replied.
Finally after some foreplay, they were engaged in intercourse. His wife asked him, “Would you like me to moan?”
“YES! YES! This would be the perfect time, go ahead!”
To which his wife responded, “Oy Vey, you wouldn’t believe the miserable day I had.”

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A small boy gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and passes his recently divorced mother’s bedroom. He hears moaning and looks in her bedroom and sees her completely nude, rubbing herself all over and saying, “I need a man, I need a man…”.
The small boy continues to the bathroom and then back to bed. This same thing happens several nights in a row, until one evening when he looks in her bedroom a man is making passionate love to his mother. The boy quickly runs back into his room, tears off all of his clothes, jumps into bed and starts rubbing himself all over, saying, “I need a bike, I need a bike…”

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What’s the difference between Mayonnaise and semen?
Ans: Mayonnaise doesn’t hit the back of a girls throat at thirty miles an hour.

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A guys goes in a bar and orders for a beer. After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him. He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her, ” Hi. Would you like me to buy you a drink?”
The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs: “WHAT? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? NO WAY!”
Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving. The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened. After a while the same woman walks in, approaches him and tells him, “I’m sorry about that little incident but you see I’m a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations.”
The guy then yells: “WHAT? TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB?”

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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”
“No!” she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked.
“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.
“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.

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A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby
cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight
attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, “If dogs have
baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The little boy admitted that she did. “Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now,
let your mother explain that to you.”

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Q: what the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: spitting, swallowing, and gargeling

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One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.
Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny’s eyes opened wide in amazement. “You know,” he said, “I’m not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!”

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Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100?
Ans: When she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

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A guy goes to see a doctor because he’s …well, a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it’s 25 inches long. He can’t get any women to have sex with him. The doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. The witch takes a look at the problem and tells him, “Go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says ‘no,’ you’ll be five inches shorter.”
The guy decides it’s worth a try and dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would, finds the pond, and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Will you marry me?” he calls to the frog.
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, “No.”
The Guy looks down and sure enough, he’s five inches shorter. “Hey, this is great,” he thinks to himself, “Let’s try it again.”
“Will you marry me?” he asks the frog.
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!”
Twitch! The guy’s down to 15 inches. “Well, it’s still a bit excessive,” he thinks. “Down another five would be perfect.” So he calls across again, “Will you marry me?”
The frog yells back, “Look! How many times do I have to tell you? NO! NO! NO!”

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