One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
He asked how.
She said “I saw a man’s private part.” He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
He asked how.
“I touched a man’s private parts.” He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, “I’m not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.”

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A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams…and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he’s finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: “So what did you want to know about sex for?”
“Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”

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What is a man’s view of safe sex?
Ans: A padded headboard.

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George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged, that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, “George, if I’m not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand.”
Oprah agrees.
George sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, “Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand.”
Oprah says, “Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” George replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a shvartza *black person in Yiddish*, she stole my wallet.”

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One day a guy was standing on the first tee of his local golf course, when another man walked up and said, “The pro said I could join you, if you don’t mind.”
The guy said, “Sure, just put your clubs on the cart”. So he placed his clubs on the back of the cart and put a briefcase on the seat. Noticing the briefcase, the guy said, “What you got in the briefcase, extra balls?”
The man said, “I’m on my way to my next job. I carry my tools in my briefcase.”
The guy said, “Okay. What kind of work do you do?”
“I’m a hit man for the mob,” answered the man.
The guy said, “You’re kidding.”
“No,” said the hit man, “Here, I’ll show you.” He proceeds to open his briefcase and inside is a fold-down rifle with a huge scope.
The guy said, “Wow. I’m impressed.”
The hitman said, “I buy the best equipment I can get.”
The guy said, “I’ll bet with that scope, you could see my house way over that way.”
The hit man picked up the scope and looked in the direction shown and said, “Brick house…your red Toyota is in the driveway.”
The guy said, “That’s my wife’s car. Yep. That’s my house, all right.
The hit man said, “Then your name must be Bob.”
The guy answered, “How do you figure that?”
The hit man said, “There’s a Ford pick-up by the Toyota that has BOB on the license plate.”
The guy answered, “That’s my buddy Bob. What’s he doing there?”
The hit man said, “I can tell you exactly what he’s doing there. I can see them both taking of their clothes, right now.” BR> The guy said, “Kill them both”.
The hit man answered, “Listen fella. I do this for a living, not for fun. Every time I pull that trigger, it’s $5,000.”
The guy said, “Do it anyway.”
So the hit man snapped his rifle together, put it up to his shoulder, started to sight it in and asked, “Where do you want me to shoot them?”
The guy said, “Shoot her right in the head. And shoot him right in the nuts”.
The hit man focused for a second and said, “This must be your lucky day. I’m about to save you $5,000.”

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Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can’t see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time.”
“If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis….fifty times.”

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Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
Ans: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

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Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says:”I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says:”I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says:”I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and says, “I’ll make you a deal. I will open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

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A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her — knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.
The note read: “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”
WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: “Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey.”

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One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! you’re not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?”
“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

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How can you tell which is the head nurse?
Ans: The one with the dirty knees.

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

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What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
Ans: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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A young man is going to war. Leaving his girlfriend behind. He starts to lonely was he is being shipped over. So he goes to the captain of the vessel and asks for some advice. The captain tell him that other men keep a barrel in the lower decks and when they get lonely they stick their penises in the hole of the barrel.
The young man is repulsed by this. But as the trip lingers on he is becoming very horny. So he decides that he will try it.
Upon putting his dick in the hole. He gets the most wonderful sensation. And immedatly comes.
After the experience he again goes to the captain. “Thank you.” He says ” It was wonderful i can believe how real it felt.” The captain turns and says. “Glad you feel that way next week its your turn in the barrel.”

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A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.” The small white guy faints!
The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”
The small white guy says, “Excuse me but what did you say?”
The big dude looks down and says, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says,”Thank God, I thought you said, ‘Turn around.’ ”

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A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, “How many folk here believe in ghosts?”
About 80 students raise their hands.
“That’s a good start,” says the professor, “For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good,” continues the professor, “I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.
“Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?”
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have made love to a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!? Dang it!… I thought you said `goats.'”

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A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend’s response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.
That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, “Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis.”
The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.
The boy exposed himself and said, “This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!”

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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy, and your invention…the assembly line for the automobile…changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.” Ford thinks about it, and says, “I want to hang out with God Himself.”
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, “When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?”
God asks, “What do you mean?”
“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention: There’s too much front end protrusion, it chatters way too much at high speeds, maintenance is extremely high, it constantly needs repainting, and refinishing, it is out of commission at least five or six of every 28 days, the rear end wobbles too much, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust, the headlights are usually too small, and fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few.”
“Hmmm…,” replies God, “Hold on a minute.” God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

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One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, “Please give me the good news first.”
Smiling, God explained, “I’ve created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.”

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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

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A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, “Umm… err, I’ve never purchased condoms before, and I don’t know what size to buy.”
“That’s okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back.”
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She then quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, “Have you decided on the appropriate size?”
“Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!”

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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?”
“Nope, I am actually 47.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47,”
Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonald’s”.

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Three lady friends were discussing what they should do about the fact that each of their husbands was named, Leroy. When they got together to talk, it was very confusing as to which husband they meant..and this happened all of the time. So one day when they were all together having lunch they decided to figure out a way to solve this problem. One lady suggested giving each of the husbands a nickname. She then exclaimed, “Mine will be called, ‘7-Up.'”
“Why do you want to call your husband, 7-Up?” asked the other two friends.
“Because my Leroy has seven inches and it’s always, UP!”
“Then I’ll call my Leroy, ‘Mountain Dew,'” said the second lady.
“Why would you call him that?” asked the other two friends.
“Because my Leroy is always Mountin’ me and doin’ it,” she proudly exclaimed.
“Well then,” said the third lady,”I’ll call my Leroy, ‘Jack Daniels.'”
“You can’t name him that,” cried the other two women, “Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!”
“Yessirreee! That’s my Leroy!”

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Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. “You can pay by the inch.”
When the first man comes back out his friends ask, “How much did she charge you?”
“$75 dollars,” said the first.
The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, “How much did she charge you?” ask the first two.
” $20 dollars” replies the third.
The first two start laughing hysterically.
“Hey guys,” replied the third, “I’m not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!”

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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked, anwas climbing into the bed when his wife complained as usual,”I have a headache.”
“Perfect,” the husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it’s up to you.”

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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. “Ah, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, “Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
“Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties…”
The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, “We will never forget you.”

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe’en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to…”

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