Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
“Well,” answered the man, “I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically.”
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, “do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?”
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, “what is the difference?”
The clerk responds, “Well when it’s sliced, it gets harder faster.”
To which the man responded, “How come everyone knew about this but me?”

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BROTHERS WHO CROSS MEDICINES
Once there were two brothers who were depressed. One was depressed because his penis was too small; the other was depressed because his pubic hair was too long, so they decided to go to the doctor.The doctor prescribed different medicine for them both and told them to never cross them up and to take only one capsule a week.
When the brothers got home they thought to themselves if they cross the medicine and double the dosage everything would even out. So they took the medicine mixed, and doubled the dosage and went to bed. They were so anxious they couldn’t wait. When one brother awoke he felt strange. He looked around and saw he was in a jungle of some sort, so he panicked and screamed HELP! I’M LOST IN THIS JUNGLE. To his surprise his brother heard his cries and replied, “HANG ON, I’LL THROW YOU SOME ROPE!”

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What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Ans: Spit, Swallow, and Gargle.

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July 12, 1990
Subject: IBM BALL REPLACEMENT
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive; however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33F6424 – Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 – Foreign Mouse Balls

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A man with a 12 inch penis who practices autofellatio is prone to putting a foot in his mouth.

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When do you slap a midget?
Ans: When he says, “Gee, your hair smells terrific!”

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
“Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!”

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A just ready to be married couple is at church on their wedding day. They are going over some final preparations for the wedding ceremony, when the urge strikes them and they retreat rapidly to a small private room in the church. She performs oral sex on him. After a while he emerges and returns to the men in his wedding party.
One of his groomsmen notices that he has a big happy grin on his face and says to him, “Bill, why are you looking so happy and relaxed? I thought this being your wedding day, you would be very nervous and fidgety.”
He replies, “Well, the reason I am so happy and relaxed is because I just got the best blow job I have ever received from my bride to be.”
Meanwhile the bride to be is back with the people in her wedding party all happy and relaxed too. Her maid of honor notices this demeanor and asks her, “Why are you so happy and relaxed on your wedding day? You should be very nervous and excited.”
She replied, “Well, the reason I am so happy is that I just gave the last blow job of my life.”

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!

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There once was a cucumber, a stick, and a dick. The cucumber said, “I have a terrible life. People cut me up and eat me.”
The stick shook his head and said, “My life is worse. People cut me up and burn me!”
The dick shook his head and said, “I had the worse life out of either one of you. People shove me in a dark room and make me do push-ups until I throw-up.”

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A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. “Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!”
“Good..”
“Now I also want you to take off my Bra.”
“Good…”
“Now can you take off my panties.”
“Very Good! Now, don’t let me catch you wearing them again!”

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An Aussie once visited England. While there he was walking down a country lane alongside a farm. After a while he saw an English sheep farmer fucking one of his sheep. To this the Aussie yells, “Aye, Mate! In Australia we shear those!”
To which the farmer replies, “I ain’t sharing nothing with you. Go and get your own.!”

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Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”

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Why did the snowman pull his pants down?
Ans: Because the snow blower was coming by.

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From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps who use our library. The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to everyone so you consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called, “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one.
“Well, not exactly.” his friend replied, “she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”
“Well, not exactly – I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.”

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What is the definition of making love?
Ans: What your wife does while you are fucking her.

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A lady named Cindy works at a tickle me elmo factory, one day her boss hears she is majorly behind schedule and the toys are piling up the side of the conveyer belt. He decides to personaly handle it. He gos to that part of the building and sure enough there Cindy is, inbetween mountians of tickle me elmos. He noticed she was glueing two cotton balls to the upper thigh of it. The boss walks over to her and says “I told u to give all of them two test tickles.
A child and his father are out in the garden one day and the kid asks his dad is that a mommy longleg under that daddy longleg? The dad says ” no son, there are no mommy longlegs.” The father feels proud at his sons intuitiveness, until his son smashes them and says”we’ll have non of that gay shit around here”.

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A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
“NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE”
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
“what I’ll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it’s a snake skin belt”
“Yes” the woman replies “but what about the skunk?”
“I don’t know, you’ll just have to hide it up your skirt”
“but what about the smell?” the woman asks.
To which the man replies “Look, if it dies it dies!”

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Three men are discussing their previous night’s lovemaking. The Italian says, “My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes.”
The Frenchman says, “I smooth sweet butter on my wife’s body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour.”
The Jew says, “I covered my wife’s body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours.”
The others say, “Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?”
He shrugs. “I wiped my hands on the drapes.”

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It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig’s ass popping out.
The first man says, “I wish that was Demi Moore’s Ass”
The second man says, “I wish that was Pamela Anderson’s Ass.”
Then the third man says, “I wish it was dark.”

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There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years.
One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, “you know, I’ve never had a woman in my life.”
So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.
He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. “What are you doing?” the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, “Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!”

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In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he’s driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, “Charlie! What are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Can’t talk right now…. I’m driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he suddenly stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, “Well Charlie, how you doing?”
Charlie says, “I’m exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.”
“That’s great,” replied the nurse, “I’m glad you had a safe trip.” The nurse leaves Charlie’s room, and then goes across the hall into another patients’ room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, “Ed what are you doing?”
To which Ed replies, “Shhh, I’m screwing Charlie’s wife, while he’s in Chicago.”

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A man’s wife is in coma in the hospital, and one day the doctor walks in and changes her IV bag. While doing so, he accidentally grazes her breast and she moans. Happily, the doctor runs to the husband and tells him what had happened and tells him to perform oral sex on her because it might liven her up a bit. The husband runs in and quickly starts performing oral sex on her, but he comes back out 3 minutes later, very sad looking. “Well… what happened,” the doctor asks. “She’s dead,” the husband starts crying. “Why?” the doctor says. “She choked.”

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Here are a couple of jokes for you guys, they are not my original work, but I thought they were funny. So please enjoy them.
Why do lesbians shop at Gander Moutain?
A: Because they don’t like Dick’s.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A lick-a-lota-pus.
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are both going from San Francisco to New York who gets there first?
A: The gay guys, they had their shit packed the night before.
What do West Virginians like to do on Halloween?
A: Pump-kin
What do Cats and West Virginians have in common?
A: They both like to lick their PAWS.

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What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepherd?
Ans: The Stones said, “Hey, you! Get off of my cloud.” The Scottish Shepherd says, “Hey McCloud! Get off of my ewe.”

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A Japanese tourist got separated from his group on tour in Amsterdam. He ends up in the red light district, and decides to have a go. He enters a sex shop, goes up to the guy behind the counter and asks, “One condom please.” He gets the answer they only sell condoms by six, nine or twelve. “But I only need one condom!” says the Japanese.
“Too bad, we only sell them by six, nine or twelve,” is the answer from the shop owner.
The tourist really wants to know why, so the shop owner explains: “The package of six is for the Italians: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Not on Sunday, as they have to go to church.”
“Oh,” says the Japanese, “So who is the package of nine for?”
“Easy, the French. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday and twice on Sunday.”
The Japanese tourist is having the wildest imagination on the 12-condoms package, so he asks, “Who’s that for?”
“Well,” says the shop owner, “The package of twelve is for the English. January, February, March…”

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Three guys were driving down an old country road during a thunderstorm when their car broke down. One of the guys said he thought he saw a hotel a little ways back, so they decided to walk to the hotel. When they got there they asked the owner if there was any spare rooms they could stay in because their car broke down and they had nowhere to stay.
The owner, being nice, said that because it was a big storm and it would last for three days that they could stay there. The problem was there were no spare rooms so the owner said one of them could sleep with his daughter and the other two could sleep in the lobby. They could rotate sleeping arrangements during the three days. But he said if any of them had sex with his daughter he would kill them.
So after the three days passed they were about to leave and the owner said, “Hold on a minute. If you had sex with my daughter your dick will fall off because I strapped a razor blade to her bajina. So pull down your pants!”
The first guy pulls down his pants and his dick falls off, so the owner shoots him. Same with the second guy. But when the third guy pulls down his pants nothing happens, so he opens up his mouth to laugh and his tongue falls off.

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