1963, 1991, & 1998
Introduction:
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Farty Jimbo answered the phone.
âHelloâ said Farty Jimbo
âHello, this is Tuesdayâ said the voice on the phone
âNo,â said Farty Jimbo âThis is Sunday. I know for a fact.â
âNo, I mean this is Tuesday Wells. I donât know what day it is there. It may very well be Sunday.â
âWell it is Sunday, and I donât know any Tuesday Wells.â Said Farty Jimbo
âWell I guess we havenât met yet, but we will. It was hard getting a hold of you.â Said Tuesday Wells. âI know this all must sound very strange, but I need you to listen and trust me.â
âThis DOES sound very strange. What do you mean we havenât met yet and it was very hard getting a hold of me?â asked Farty Jimbo
âWell, what is the date there?â asked Tuesdayâ
âWhat the fuck do you mean what is the date here? Itâs the same as the date thereâ
âI seriously doubt that, Jimboâ said Tuesday. âI woke up this morning in a strange room. When I got out of bed, I realized I wasnât wearing a thong like I always am. I was wearing a pair of granny panties. I havenât worn underwear like that since my mother bought my clothes. I noticed all the furnishings in the room looked new, but old fashioned. I went and got a paper and its Thursday November 21, 1963 here, and Iâm in Dallas Texas!â
âReally? That means JFK will be assassinated tomorrow!â
âYes, and I can go see âCry of Battleâ and âWar is Hellâ at the Texas Theatre in the Oak Cliff area of Dallas.â Said Tuesday. âWhatâs the date there?â
âJuly 21â said Farty Jimbo.
âWhat year?â
â1991â said Farty Jimbo
âWe wonât meet until 1998. In1991 you live in Milwaukee Wisconsin. Holy shit! You know Jeffrey Dahmer. He will be arrested tomorrow. Heâs a serial killer and a cannibal!â said Tuesday
âJeff is a great guy.â Youâre full of shit âŠâ
âFull of shit up to my ears?â interrupted Tuesday
âHey how did you know I was going to say that?â asked Farty Jimbo
âBecause when I met you in 1998, you always said that. You told me youâve used that phrase since you were a kid. Itâs like your catch phrase.
âWowâ said Farty Jimbo, âIf you know that, everything you are saying must be true! Youâre calling me from November 21, 1963 in Dallas Texas and tomorrow Jeffery Dahmer will be arrested here in 1991. I wonât even know you until 1998. Fucken-a! What do you look like?â continued Farty Jimbo, âAre you a babe? Do you have a nice rack with big nipples?â
âI have average sized breasts, but my areolas are huge. Thereâs only one kind of regular bra I can wear that I like that covers my areolas well. Like itâs asking too much for a bra to cover my areolasâŠâ Tuesday said
âIâll scratch my balls and take a quick whiff of my fingers and I can smell ammonia or goat cheese or both. Thatâs neither here nor there. We got a couple of serious situations on our hands. As I see it, there isnât much either one of us can do.â Said Farty Jimbo. âYou should go down there to the Plaza and check out the Grassy Knoll.â
âMaybe I willâ said Tuesday, âIâll be back in 1998 soon.â
âIâm making a Southwestern-style ass hair meatloaf. I was just about to dry shave my ass when you called.â Replied Farty Jimbo
âAll right. Iâll let you go. Buy a couple thousand shares of Intel and a bunch of Microsoft.â Tuesday Wells hung up and didnât see Farty Jimbo again until 1998.
Farty Jimbo hung up. The next day, Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested. Farty Jimbo wrote the following poem.
âHer face was thin through vomit
A chemical sheen on her forehead caked over a tan booth bronze
Looking at her gave me a warm scrotal rush that was not unpleasant
And oh to have my stiffened spunk hose
Embraced by the sleek and shiny lips
Lips glossed with ultra-lip plumping ingredients for irresistibly luscious lips â glazed with unsurpassed shine
Locked around my pole of joy in a selfless spaghetti suck of love
Then Iâd want that bitch to make me dinner.â
Soon there was world peace, no more diseases and the end of hunger and no more global warming because of the poem. Young boys were still fucked by priests, but other than that the world was a fine place. Farty Jimbo won a Nobel prize and found a grocery store that stocked âCount Choculaâ, âFrankenberryâ and âBoo Berryâ at the same time. He bought a bunch of shares of Intel and Microsoft.
Life was good indeed for Farty Jimbo
fin